A/N: Hey! I just want to say to anybody out there reading this, thank you so much for taking the time to read my crappy fanfic. This is just my first, so you have to give me a while to adjust. I've never written for anybody else before. Because this is my first, I decided to stick with a one-shot. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!
8/26/18 EDIT: Jesus, this is terribly written. Good thing I'm studying to become an editor, don't you think?
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, Lacuna Coil lyrics, or any of the characters within.
Dean just wanted to drive and be on his own, but it didn't seem like that was meant to be. Sam kept calling his cell every five minutes and Dean was growing more frustrated by the minute.
Just leave me alone for now, Sammy, Dean thought. Can't you see I don't want to talk to you right now?
Why had Sam been standing right there when Cas appeared? Dean didn't even want to think about what had just happened, let alone talk about it with his snoopy little brother.
Cas had scared the living daylights out of Dean, which was hard to accomplish, considering his occupation, not to mention his years of experience dealing with Cas's sudden teleporting.
The hunter was washing his baby like he did every Friday night, when Cas decided to pull off his whole appearing-out-of-nowhere shtick. Cas had, for lack of a better term, landed right behind Dean while he was washing the windshield. Dean might never have known that Cas was standing there had Baby not shown him. Seven years, and he still had not gotten used to it.
Anyway, the angel had startled Dean badly.
"Dammit, Cas."
Cas flinched slightly. "What've I told you about this? You can't just appear right behind a guy when he's washin' his car!"
Cas looked at him, as blank-faced as usual. "I apologize, Dean. But... I had to speak with you."
Dean thought that the angel actually looked nervous. Castiel only ever looked nervous if he thought something bad might happen.
"Sure. What's up?"
Cas bit his lip, proving Dean's 'nervous' theory. "I- I wanted to to talk about -".
"About what, Cas?" As always when talking to Castiel, Dean began to notice just how close to the Angel he was standing. Cas was less than a foot away, and as always, Dean began to focus on Cas's lips.
The hunter shook himself mentally. Stop staring at his mouth, and focus on what he's saying, Dean thought. Not like he'd ever want you anyway.
"I wanted to talk about our- our relationship."
Dean stared at the angel in slight shock. Or not.
"What- what relationship? There's no relationship!" Perhaps he was reacting badly. Perhaps that wasn't even what Cas meant and Dean's mind was just too deep in the gutter to be pulled out now. But the look on the angel's face was telling him differently and Dean wanted nothing more than to forever get rid of that expression.
"C- Cas, I'm sorry. That's not the way I wanted that to come out."
"Then how did you mean for it to come out, Dean? We've known each other for so long, and we don't have a relationship?" Cas's blue eyes hardened, glints of anger easily seen. "If you're not willing to talk about this now, then we'll talk about it later. Or never, if you prefer. We can ignore the elephant in the room for as long as you like, but it will never leave if we don't address it. I have given up everything for you. I fell from Heaven for you. You don't think I deserve at least as much as hearing me out?"
Then he disappeared, leaving Dean standing alone with his jaw nearly scraping the floor.
"Dammit," he growled, kicking the Impala's front tire. He leaned on the hood of the Impala for a moment, overcome with some sort of emotion he couldn't identify.
There was motion in the corner of his eye, and Dean spun to face it. He relaxed only slightly when he realized it was only Sam standing at the entrance to the bunker with two coffee cups in his hands. His brother looked shell-shocked, to say the least. It didn't take a genius to figure out he had witnessed everything that had happened.
Sam opened his mouth, but Dean cut him off.
"Dont. Say. Anything," he growled just loud enough for Sam to hear. "I'm going for a drive."
He got in the car and slammed the door. As Dean drove past, Sam finally regained the ability to speak.
"Dean. . ." But the hunter was already long gone.
Dean was still driving an hour later when Sam called, again. He pressed the answer button, lifting the phone to his ear.
"What?" he snapped.
"You need to apologize to Cas," Sam said, getting right to the point.
"And why should I do that, Sam? He stepped way out of bounds."
Sam was silent for a moment. "How, Dean? All he did was approach you about something neither of you wanted to talk about before now. Something neither of you even wanted to think about for the last six years. Cas trusted you. He thought you could talk this through like adults, and you let him down."
Dean was shocked. There isn't anything...
"Sam- "
"No, Dean. You listen. Think about this. We both know the only reason you won't accept it is because you're afraid. You're afraid that you don't deserve happiness. That even if you do achieve it, it will be taken away from you, as it has in the past again and again. But that's not it, is it?
"Because I think we both know that if Cas had chosen a female host, you two would have hooked up years ago. You can't keep battling the possibility of happiness because you need to convince yourself you're still straight. You can't keep denying yourself. It's the only reason you'll never be happy." Sam took a deep breath, apparently finished.
Too many shocks in just one night. Is that really what Sam thought? The first part was just about right, but the second part. . . That was maybe even worse. Was that what Cas thought as well?
Dean put his foot on the brake, slowing the Impala down and pulling over to the side of the road so he didn't have to focus on driving when emotions were rolling around inside his head like waves.
"Is that what you really think, Sam? Because that first bit is right. The second? Not so much. I've never cared about Cas being a guy. I'd be perfectly fine never looking at another woman for the rest of my life if I had Cas. . . But you're right. I don't deserve him. Not after everything I've done. Not after who've I become. I want him, oh God, do I want him, Sam. But I can't. So I tell myself I don't love him. That I'm still that ladies' man I was eight or nine years ago. Because I don't deserve him. I've let him down. I've let you down. I've let down every God-forsaken person that I care about, and I can't do it anymore. I won't. Because Cas is good. He doesn't need to deal with a guy who's been broken since he pulled me from Hell. He deserves more than I could ever give, Sam. Don't you see?"
Sam took a breath. "Dean. You're the biggest idiot in the world, I swear to Chuck."
Dean's mouth fell open. He was glad he'd stopped the car when he did. The hunter took a sharp breath. "What?" he asked finally.
Sam answered, "Honestly, Dean. Don't you think Cas knows all that already? It's part of the reason he loves you. But you don't get to choose for him. I don't know if you noticed, Dean, but Castiel is awfully headstrong. He makes his own decisions, and doesn't let anyone else choose for him." Sam laughed, almost hearing Dean's surprise. "So why don't you call him, and apologize. He deserves that much, don't you think?"
"Yeah, Sammy. You're right. I- I'll call him now."
"Good, because I'm locking you out of the bunker until you two make up." And with that, Sam hung up.
Dean held the phone to his ear for a few seconds longer before muttering, "Bitch." He threw the phone down on the seat beside him. Dean sat for a moment, think about what he was going to say to Cas.
Dean opened the door and got out. He was on the side of the road, in front of a sign telling him the next town was ten miles away.
The hunter looked up at the stars, seating himself on the hood of the Impala. He thought a minute more, then said, "Cas? I- It's me. I want to apologize. In person. You didn't deserve what I said earlier. I'd like to have an excuse, but I don't want to lie."
Dean waited a minute before continuing. "Cas, please. Please just let me say what I have to say. Please. Hear me out."
He heard the telltale sound of Cas's wings before watching the angel walk out of the mist about a hundred feet ahead of the Impala. "I'm here, Dean. Say what you need to."
"I'm so sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear. I was just trying to protect you."
Castiel looked at him curiously. "Protect me from what, Dean?"
"From me."
Dean saw a flash of anger behind those bright blue eyes. "Dean, I don't need protecting. Especially from you." The angel stepped forward. He now stood within five feet of Dean and Dean felt he couldn't breathe. "You are what I want most, and you don't get to decide what's best for me, and definitely not without consulting me first."
All this time, Cast had been steadily inching forward. They were sharing air. A foot is not much space at all.
Dean found himself spellbound by the angel's timeless eyes. He reached forward tentatively and took Cas's hand. It took the warmth of another human body for Dean to realize how cold the night was. His hands were freezing. The hunter took another step forward, seeking body heat and closing what little distance remained, but when he realized just how close his face was to Cas's, he couldn't resist the pull.
The kiss was sweet, more of sadness and longing than anything else. Dean swore he could taste the ocean.
Dean felt happier than he had in a long time; since the day Cas had yanked his ass out of Hell; since the day Sammy had died right in front of his eyes, provoking him to sell his soul; since Dad went missing. In one moment, it all became worth it.
"I'm haunted
Tell me who you are
I am Spellbound
You cannot have this control on me
Everywhere I go
I am Spellbound
I won't break this spell you put on me"
A/N- Well, thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Writing this was kinda fun, because I got up at midnight last night to write this out in my notebook. It took me three hours and eight pages. Nice, huh? Anyway, if you see any mistakes, grammar or spelling, be sure to let me know, because I hate those. Do me a favor and review? I would love to hear from all of you on how I did. Bye!
8/26/18 EDIT: Wow, I was naive, wasn't I? Three hours and eight pages ain't nothing compared to the stuff I write now. Wow. Just. . . wow.
Anyway, this is still cheesy as fuck despite all my editing, but if you all can think of a way to make it less so, let me know! I would love to hear your thoughts!