He had been expecting her, despite the fact that he hadn't seen her in nearly four years. In most ways, Sam looked quite the same as she had the last time he had laid eyes on her. There was no mistaking her, as blonde as ever and shivering on his front porch.
Freddie steps aside to let her through without even thinking.
Once he shuts the door behind her, Freddie realizes there isn't any turning back. The sudden realization is unbearable. He registers that Sam is now removing her coat and he notices for the first time that she's drenched in rain water. Freddie gets a good look at her for the first time in the light overhead. He hates how she's making him feel all over again.
He leads her to the den and gestures for her to sit, still not quite able to believe she is actually here at all. Freddie goes to get tea from the kitchen and his movements are almost robotic, as though his mind has still yet to catch up to his body. He places the cup in front of her, not that he expects her to take it.
He can tell what's she's thinking from the way she's looking around the room desperately and how her eyes fix on the tiny dollhouse in the corner. Freddie sits as far as he can from her, in a chair on the opposite side of the coffee table.
"She's asleep," he says, and she startles at the sound of his voice.
"I'm sorry I came by so late, I just wasn't sure if I should call. I-I didn't think you'd let me come if I asked," she said quickly.
"You're probably right."
Freddie knows that Sam only lifts the teacup to her lips in order to fill the silence that comes afterwards. His eyes follow her movement as she places the cup back onto it's coaster.
"Can I see her?" Sam says finally, her voice small like a whisper.
"Like I said, she's sleeping."
"I won't wake her up," and there's fiery hunger in her eyes, that determined look that Freddie knows so well.
Suddenly, Freddie can feel his heart beating loudly as he stands shakily.
"I can't let you do that." He crosses his arms and his eyes flit to down the hallway, where his daughter is currently sleeping soundly.
"Why not?" Sam snaps. "I just want to look at her. Please, I'm her mo-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence."
"Look, I know I've made mistakes, but I'm different now. Why do you think I waited so long to come here?" Sam says hurriedly, as though afraid of being interrupted again."I got my life together. I got my degree and I have a job now, a really good office job in Seattle with good pay. I could help provide for her-"
"We've been doing just fine without you so far," Freddie says, feeling a flash of anger because why should she offer her support now when he needed her then? And screw the financial part, Freddie had just needed her to be there.
"Where have you been, Sam? " Freddie finally asks flatly. More than anything he wanted to know what she had been doing. Sam must have graduated years ago. She barely had any classes left even when she had gotten pregnant.
"I haven't been in Seattle if that's what you're asking," she suddenly looks nervous again. "I couldn't stand to be so near and not be able to come see her, so I've been travelling here and there. I mostly spent time in France. I just flew back in a few hours ago because I have work in the morning. What about you?" Freddie knows it was her guilt that prompted her to change the subject.
"Me?" he scoffs because isn't it obvious what he's been doing? He has been raising their daughter like a responsible adult while she was doing God knows what for all these years.
"You haven't finished school yet, right?" Sam's eyes wander over to Freddie's laptop and a pile of papers littering a secluded corner of the table. "Carly told me you were taking online classes and you only have a few more credits left until you graduate."
"What else did Carly tell you?" He says, feelings of betrayal stirring up within him. He never expected that Carly of all people would tell Sam anything about his personal life after all he had been through because of her.
"She sends me updates sometimes, just little things about Callie…" Sam says nervously, their daughter's name sounding so very foreign on her tongue. "I know that she likes cartoons and doing arts and crafts, and that spaghetti is her favorite food," she bites her lip wistfully as she continues, "Carly never sent pictures though, she's only told me things. I haven't seen Callie since...that day."
"You didn't even look at her that day, did you?" Freddie bites back, wanting to yell but keeping his voice in a hushed whisper for Callie's sake. "The nurse tried to hand her to you, but you wouldn't take her, wouldn't even glance her way. So she gave her to me and I was the first person to hold her, hell I was the first person to love her and you knew she existed weeks before I did!"
"That's not true!" Sam keeps her voice low like Freddie's, though she wants to scream at the top of her lungs, "I loved her!"
"Bullshit," he growled lowly. "You didn't love her when you came to me and told me you were ten weeks pregnant and that you didn't want the baby. You would have gotten that abortion if I hadn't begged you to reconsider, wouldn't you? If I didn't swear to you that I would take care of her so that you wouldn't have to, you would have gotten rid of her, I know you would have!"
"I just wasn't ready to be a mother, Freddie!" She shouted.
"Nobody is ever really ready to be a parent, Sam! You think I felt ready to be a father or even wanted to be one at the time? What twenty-one year old is ready to have a kid? But I did it, because I had a responsibility not to abandon her when she needed me!"
"I didn't abandon her! I knew she had you and that she was in good hands. I would not have left if I wasn't sure of that!"
"So now you're blaming me?" Freddie couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"No! Of course not...just...you know what I was like. I wouldn't have been a fit mother then. I'm trying to tell you that I'm ready now," she said, casting a longing gaze towards the first bedroom visible from the hall, a carved, wooden sign hanging from the door in pink cursive writing plainly spelling out 'Callie.'
"I won't have you coming and going as you please. You can't ever be in her life if I can't count on you to show up. She deserves better than that," Freddie says and then thinks, We both deserve better than that.
"It's not like that this time!" Sam argued. "I want to be in her life. I'm not going to leave again!"
"So you think you can come back after three and a half years and be her mother all of a sudden? After you left us...after you left her."
"I am her mother!" Sam snarled.
"Keep your voice down!" Freddie hushed her when he thought he heard Callie stirring. He stepped towards her room, intending to check on her before noticing that Sam had also stood up and had started inching nearer.
"Did we wake her?" Sam asks, suddenly looking apologetic.
"I don't think so," Freddie takes a deep breathed sigh. "Are you hungry? I have some food leftover from dinner in the kitchen." He asks mainly to keep her out of range of Callie's room.
She nods reluctantly with a look back at the hallway as he leads her to the kitchen. Sam wrinkles her nose at the mess. Sam's visit had distracted Freddie from cleaning up after putting Callie to bed like he normally would. Sam sat at the kitchen table, gazing questioningly at the dried cookie dough smeared on the counters and cookie crumbs surrounding the tabletop.
"Callie wanted me to bake cookies with her," he explained as he wiped away the crumbs. "Sorry, the kitchen isn't normally this messy." Sam stopped trying to peer through the dimmed kitchen to catch a glimpse of the photos of her daughter that covered the fridge at his words.
"Does she like to bake?" Sam suddenly looks less hungry despite just getting off of a twelve hour flight.
"I think she just likes to eat the cookie dough," he can't help the smile that spreads across his face at the thought of his daughter picking the chocolate chips out of the batter and smuggling them into her mouth when he wasn't looking, all in true Sam fashion.
Freddie is just opening the refrigerator when he hears it and freezes on the spot. Tiny footsteps are clattering through the hall and a small voice calls out sleepily, "Daddy?"
Sam is up and out of her seat as fast as lightning, but Freddie is still rooted to the spot, heart thumping wildly as his worst nightmare starts coming true right before his eyes. His feet feel like lead as they carry him out of the kitchen. He finds Sam standing in the doorway to the den where Callie is standing, gripping her stuffed bunny in her small fists.
Callie tilts her head curiously at Sam, who jumps out of the way when Freddie appears ashen-faced behind her. Callie runs to him and grabs his hand. He automatically bury's his other hand in her curls protectively.
"Baby, what are you doing out of bed?" He grips her hard, wanting desperately to shield her from Sam, but knowing that it was too late.
"I had a bad dream," she whimpered, eyes wide.
"It was just a dream, baby," he hugs her to his side, closing his eyes tightly. Sam was never supposed to see her ever again. Sam didn't deserve to see her. This couldn't be happening.
Callie is gazing at the blonde woman hovering in the doorway. She stares at Sam a moment longer before burying her face into Freddie's leg.
"Baby, this is Sam," he finds himself saying, not wanting to give Sam the opportunity of introducing herself and letting anything slip. Callie can't know who Sam really is. Not now.
"Hello, Callie," Sam says, her voice cracking. Freddie can see the tears forming in her eyes at the sight of the little girl.
"Say hello, sweetheart," Freddie urges his daughter. "She can be shy sometimes," he says to Sam who simply nods in response.
Freddie stroked her curls soothingly. "Let me tuck you back in, okay?"
Callie's eyes widened. "But Daddy, there's monsters! I want to stay with you," she suddenly let out a tired yawn.
"Callie Benson, you have to go back to bed so that you can be rested for preschool in the morning," Freddie said, only just now realizing exactly how late it was. He turned to Sam to suggest that she should probably head home when he realized that tears were now freely flowing down her face.
"Don't cry," Callie, overcoming her shyness slid out of her father's grasp to cling to Sam, who instantly wrapped her arms around the three year old.
"Let me look at you," Sam bends down to run her fingers through Callie's soft curls and take in the sight of her beautiful daughter. Sam's eyes connected with Freddie's from across the room and she knew they were both thinking the same thing. She looks like me.
"Are you all better? Hugs help me feel better when I cry," Callie said seriously and Sam couldn't help but laugh.
"Yes, I'm all better, baby," She answered just as the little girl let out another long yawn.
"It's time to go back to bed, Callie," Freddie took his daughter's hand.
"Could I take her?" Sam asked pleadingly, a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill and Freddie couldn't find it within himself to say no.
Freddie doesn't realize that his heart is still hammering until he's back in the quiet of the kitchen, scrubbing dried cookie dough off the counters. Sam is only gone for about ten minutes and it's the longest ten minutes of his life.
"She's sleeping. I've never seen someone fall asleep that fast," Sam announced from behind him, her eyes red from crying.
"She's like you in that way," Freddie says as he finishes loading the dishwasher.
"She looks like me, too," her voice breaks.
"What did you tell her?" Freddie demands.
"I didn't tell her that I'm her mother if that's what you're asking," She answered, looking offended. "I would never do that without asking you first. I just tucked her in and we talked a little before she fell asleep."
"What did you talk about?"
"She told me about her favorite cartoons and she told me about some of her friends in preschool," Sam smiles fondly. "She's a smart girl."
"She is," Freddie says, taking a gulp of coffee.
"Since when do you do caffeine?" Sam frowned.
"Since I started raising an infant into a three year old whilst simultaneously taking a dozen hours worth of college classes online," he answered dryly.
"Right," she said awkwardly. "I'm sorry…"
"It's getting late. You should go."
"Will I be allowed to see Callie again?" She asked desperately. "You don't have to do it all alone anymore. I want to to be responsible for her, too. I have a nice apartment with two bedrooms. She could stay with me sometimes."
"Can we talk about this in the morning? I have a paper due in a few hours that I need to finish. I'll call you," he adds despite himself
Sam felt relief wash through her because he didn't say no, but she wouldn't get her hopes up just yet.
"I really do love her, Freddie. I made a mistake and I dealt with it badly. But then you were always a better person than me."
"Am I?" Freddie couldn't help but laugh, because look at him. He's tired and stressed and so, so in love and it's too fucking late for this.
"You are." Her smile is identical to Callie's.
"I'll call you in the morning," he says, shaking his head. He watches her go and shuts the door after her curls.
A/N: Another year and here we are again. Happy Kissaversary!