Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is not mine; it is the property of MGM. This
story has been written purely for entertainment value. No money has or will
exchange hands. Thanx.
Ok, a couple of my friends have said the start of this is confusing so, I guess it would help to say that this story takes place two years after divide and conquer and the very first line of speech is a memory.
Opening that door. By Arami Heartilly.
***
"None of this has to leave this room."
And it never had.
It didn't mean that she didn't still love him; it just meant that this was the only place that she would ever really acknowledge it properly. A place where she could think about him and torment herself with memories and half thought through fantasies of how it could all have turned out.
Sam would never admit to pining over him and certainly not out of that room, but if she didn't let a small part of her mind occupy itself with Jack then she wouldn't be able to handle any of it. She knew that by now she'd have lost her mind and part of herself along with it.
So she ended up there, sometimes by accident, sometimes after something had happened to endanger one or both of their lives and sometimes simply when she needed to... but it was always with the same result.
Sam sat there alone and contemplated the past, the future and the man she was, despite her best efforts in love with – the man the universe seemed so intent in keeping from her. She knew the future held two outcomes, either one or the other died before their time at the SGC was up or they, in some way were given the chance to be together and finally love each other properly.
She was under no illusions that living happily ever after would be waiting for them at the end of all of this, she just hoped that they managed to live and be together. Other wise she didn't know what she would do and the thought of the other outcome was too much to contemplate.
And the present?
It seemed so damn unfair – the concept of not being able to love him seemed too overwhelming to accept, so she didn't. There in that room she could let her heart and even her tears run free, she could scream and shout about why everything was so screwed up and why the only time she'd ever been allowed to touch him, to feel him touch her, kiss him and love him was when they didn't know who they were.
There stranded beneath a planet covered in ice they'd been who she'd always knew they could be, but when she'd found the truth they had come to know was a carefully constructed lie it had cut into her heart and froze her world. It was a chill that had never completely left her even since they'd returned from the P3R- 118.
She wasn't clear on whether the same chill still resided in his heart. Sam knew that Jack still loved her. Even now, two years after their unwilling confessions in that room. It was there sometimes, he would just look at her in that way and she knew it was still there. But what she didn't know was if it affected him the way it did her, if he ever found himself in room 3 sub-level 21. 'He probably goes fishing' she realised. That just led to more thoughts of them together.
Jack had asked her to go fishing more times than she could remember and every time rules and protocol had prevented her from saying yes. She suspected that he kept asking to show an interest and she made sure to tell him that she did want to go – just that she couldn't. Ok well she'd almost agreed once but Thor managed to show his spectacular grasp of bad timing right at that moment. Since then going fishing or anywhere alone with him for that matter had become almost impossible because too many people had the wrong ideas about them - and their confessions under the Za'tark testing device were known by General Hammond.
There was simply too much to risk – their careers for a start.
But what no one seemed to realise apart from her and Jack was that this wasn't about their careers. She wasn't a major in this and he wasn't her CO – they were just simply two people who felt something entirely natural. No rules, no inappropriateness – just feelings. Feelings that wouldn't and couldn't relinquish their hold on her, but neither would the fraternal regulations and that was the problem. The one rule that she couldn't break, the thing that reminded her that loving him was dangerous and put more than each other at risk, it threatened the team and the safety of the planet – or so everyone made out.
If she was completely honest then her professional judgement would already be impaired if they were in a serious situation because of the way she felt. But because she wasn't sleeping with him it was ok? Apparently so, and it was all right for every alternate reality version of herself to be with him – even marry him? And yes in those cases one or both of them had ended up dead but at least they'd had the time to be together – they didn't have the regrets she knew she would if the situation stayed how it was.
And most of all was it right for the place that had allowed her to fulfil her dreams was also the place she'd discovered her worst nightmare? Of finding the person she knew she could spend the rest of her life with but kept from him by regulations?
No, it wasn't fair, it never had been and it never would. Not until they left or discarded the rules. But to do that something would have to change or they'd have to talk about it, something they'd never actually done and she now realised that they had to.
So as Sam wiped her tears away and walked towards the door, she did so with the knowledge that their current situation would have to change. And she wasn't thinking of hiding or repressing things anymore. It was time to face this head on – time to talk to him and perhaps, she realised, time to love him and be loved by him properly.
Because if she didn't try then she would never know.
***
I know it's short but I don't think it needed to be any longer. I also don't know if I'll continue it.
As always positive feedback and constructive criticism welcome so please review.
Ok, a couple of my friends have said the start of this is confusing so, I guess it would help to say that this story takes place two years after divide and conquer and the very first line of speech is a memory.
Opening that door. By Arami Heartilly.
***
"None of this has to leave this room."
And it never had.
It didn't mean that she didn't still love him; it just meant that this was the only place that she would ever really acknowledge it properly. A place where she could think about him and torment herself with memories and half thought through fantasies of how it could all have turned out.
Sam would never admit to pining over him and certainly not out of that room, but if she didn't let a small part of her mind occupy itself with Jack then she wouldn't be able to handle any of it. She knew that by now she'd have lost her mind and part of herself along with it.
So she ended up there, sometimes by accident, sometimes after something had happened to endanger one or both of their lives and sometimes simply when she needed to... but it was always with the same result.
Sam sat there alone and contemplated the past, the future and the man she was, despite her best efforts in love with – the man the universe seemed so intent in keeping from her. She knew the future held two outcomes, either one or the other died before their time at the SGC was up or they, in some way were given the chance to be together and finally love each other properly.
She was under no illusions that living happily ever after would be waiting for them at the end of all of this, she just hoped that they managed to live and be together. Other wise she didn't know what she would do and the thought of the other outcome was too much to contemplate.
And the present?
It seemed so damn unfair – the concept of not being able to love him seemed too overwhelming to accept, so she didn't. There in that room she could let her heart and even her tears run free, she could scream and shout about why everything was so screwed up and why the only time she'd ever been allowed to touch him, to feel him touch her, kiss him and love him was when they didn't know who they were.
There stranded beneath a planet covered in ice they'd been who she'd always knew they could be, but when she'd found the truth they had come to know was a carefully constructed lie it had cut into her heart and froze her world. It was a chill that had never completely left her even since they'd returned from the P3R- 118.
She wasn't clear on whether the same chill still resided in his heart. Sam knew that Jack still loved her. Even now, two years after their unwilling confessions in that room. It was there sometimes, he would just look at her in that way and she knew it was still there. But what she didn't know was if it affected him the way it did her, if he ever found himself in room 3 sub-level 21. 'He probably goes fishing' she realised. That just led to more thoughts of them together.
Jack had asked her to go fishing more times than she could remember and every time rules and protocol had prevented her from saying yes. She suspected that he kept asking to show an interest and she made sure to tell him that she did want to go – just that she couldn't. Ok well she'd almost agreed once but Thor managed to show his spectacular grasp of bad timing right at that moment. Since then going fishing or anywhere alone with him for that matter had become almost impossible because too many people had the wrong ideas about them - and their confessions under the Za'tark testing device were known by General Hammond.
There was simply too much to risk – their careers for a start.
But what no one seemed to realise apart from her and Jack was that this wasn't about their careers. She wasn't a major in this and he wasn't her CO – they were just simply two people who felt something entirely natural. No rules, no inappropriateness – just feelings. Feelings that wouldn't and couldn't relinquish their hold on her, but neither would the fraternal regulations and that was the problem. The one rule that she couldn't break, the thing that reminded her that loving him was dangerous and put more than each other at risk, it threatened the team and the safety of the planet – or so everyone made out.
If she was completely honest then her professional judgement would already be impaired if they were in a serious situation because of the way she felt. But because she wasn't sleeping with him it was ok? Apparently so, and it was all right for every alternate reality version of herself to be with him – even marry him? And yes in those cases one or both of them had ended up dead but at least they'd had the time to be together – they didn't have the regrets she knew she would if the situation stayed how it was.
And most of all was it right for the place that had allowed her to fulfil her dreams was also the place she'd discovered her worst nightmare? Of finding the person she knew she could spend the rest of her life with but kept from him by regulations?
No, it wasn't fair, it never had been and it never would. Not until they left or discarded the rules. But to do that something would have to change or they'd have to talk about it, something they'd never actually done and she now realised that they had to.
So as Sam wiped her tears away and walked towards the door, she did so with the knowledge that their current situation would have to change. And she wasn't thinking of hiding or repressing things anymore. It was time to face this head on – time to talk to him and perhaps, she realised, time to love him and be loved by him properly.
Because if she didn't try then she would never know.
***
I know it's short but I don't think it needed to be any longer. I also don't know if I'll continue it.
As always positive feedback and constructive criticism welcome so please review.