Authors Comments: Woo~ Ok, so, I have this image of Fem!Canada being this very sweet girl who is caught up in this emotional downward spiral that is caused by low self esteem and thinking that people don't like her so she tries to get that love that she craves by getting stuck in sexual relations and touchy situations and her life once she's gotten stuck in this rut needs to be put back together.

And from the realization that this was my view of Fem!Canada, this story spawned... That and I was alone and this is the sort of crap that happens when my friends leave me alone for too long... I predict my future. XD

I don't own Hetalia! If I did there would be more fan-service! And probably more boobs, because I see how guys would get a little frustrated with all the implied gayness... the male fans really need some love. I think I'll write some yuri for the guy fans at some point. And the lesbian fans, I know you guys are out there too and craving some crazy girl on girl. (I just realized I haven't written any yaoi on fanfic yet... Oh that has to change too...)

"This is the last time this can happen." He says. That's always what he says when we're done-it's always the last time...

"I know." I hide my smile. He'll be back not long from now, ready for more-breaking from his word. Not that he was ever a man to go by his word, it's all show because he's the 'hero' and heroes always keep their words...until they need satisfaction again.

"I mean it this time. It really can't happen again, my dad would kill me if he found out." He sighed and I did too. That never stopped him with anything else, and it never stopped him here either. He knew just as well that this was far from the last time. He knew that we both wanted this to happen for the rest of our lives-why does he lie?

"I know Alfred, your dad is more important than me. I'm just a girl." My smile fades-that has always been true. I'm not worth the risk of his father's fury. I've known this for a long time, but it still burns at my throat to say it. My ears sting when I hear it-everyone says he's only out to please his father and no one else even if he ends up enraging the man in the end. Not even himself would he strive to please purposely. It hurts me to say that I'm not an exception. I've always been just that girl. I'm easy, and cute sometimes, and no matter how many times he breaks me I'll fix myself and offer again. That is just the way it has always been with Alfred and I.

"You know that's not it." But it is. We both know you lie. Every time. You lie to me and try to make it better-do you realize it doesn't work? That I'm not buying it? Maybe you do and you chose to ignore it. Or maybe you lie to yourself too. Is that what you do Alfred? To right your wrong doings?

"We both know that apparently. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Remember to bring your homework, and get enough sleep so you can pay attention in all your classes." I reminded him. It's sad how I can't stay no matter how much it breaks my heart, but sometimes that's just the way things go. His father would get mad if I stayed. That's more important than what I want because if daddy dearest is happy, so is Alfred.

"Madi... You always look out for me. Thank you." He hugs me, and I hug back. He wants me to kiss him, I can tell by the pleading in his eye and the tilt of his head. It's not going to happen thought, it's another thing we both know. I don't kiss him afterwards-I never have. You kiss people you love and people who love you back. I never kiss anyone, because I know they don't love me.

"I know, you're welcome. I'll see you tomorrow Alfred."

"See you Madi... I love you."

"...I know that's what you want me to think Al." I whispered, not letting my pain and sorrow flood into tears as I closed the door behind me and left Alfred alone, in the dark of him room. He was tired, I wore him out so he should rest now.

"Madi? I didn't know you were here, how are you?" I heard a strongly accented voice pipe up as I headed for the door and I forced a smile. Mr. Kirkland never knew when I was here, he never realized what went on under his very own roof...

"Hello Mr. Kirkland. I was only here for a minute-Alfred needed some help on his math. He's done now, so I'll be off. See you around, sir." I faked a smile. I hated Mr. Kirkland. It was his fault Alfred wouldn't pursue me properly. His fault I'm a mess. I blame him for a lot of things in my life-not that I'd ever tell him that. I don't think he really deserved the blame I placed on his shoulders, but that doesn't stop me. I say it's his fault, and that's the way it is.

"Oh, alright then. Thank you for helping him again-I don't know what the lad would do without you. I'll see you soon." He was always so happy with me-I know he liked me even if I didn't return the favor.

"Right. It was no problem, I love to help Alfred out." I wanted to lash out at him and ask him why I wasn't good enough for Alfred. I didn't though, I held my tongue like good girls were supposed to. I'm not sure why Mr. Kirkland didn't want Alfred dating, my reasoning was because he knew Alfred would go out with me. I don't think he thinks I'm good enough for his little boy. It makes me sick.

"I know, you've been helping him out a lot lately. I hope he's been paying you back somehow..."

"Oh, it's fine-it's a pleasure. I best be getting home now though."

"Right, I'll see you tomorrow maybe?"

"I hope so." And I left. Alfred said it was the last time. He knew it wasn't either. I dreaded the day he'd keep the promise.

(O0*o-_-o*0O)

"Madison, my comrade, where did you go last night? I thought you were going to meet me at the movies." A Russian voice called to me at school the next morning in homeroom. It was Ivan, a good friend of mine. We've always been close since we were children since we both enjoyed hockey so much-but when he decided he didn't like Alfred for some reason we became a little distant. That is until they made slight amends and we became friends again. The best of friends-Ivan knew everything about me and I knew more than the average person about him. It wasn't possible to know everything about the Russian boy though...

"I'm sorry Ivan. Something came up..." I blushed-Ivan knew what that meant. It meant I had spent the afternoon with Alfred and was too tired to come. He understood, and he would tease, but he'd never judge me. Ivan was remarkable the way he didn't mind. He often said he would love if I felt for him that way, but he never made any sign that he liked me that way. I figure he was just feeling left out when I would ditch him or fall asleep on him. I did feel bad about it, but I didn't regret how I spent my time.

"Ah, Alfred. You are so cute when you are thinking of him, you know?" He smiled a chilly smile as we sat down, I just blushed. Ivan's compliments were sweet-but they held a certain feeling to them that made you feel like he was watching you. Like he realized this after countless times of observing-like he's always there. It's a little creepy.

"Thanks?" I tried, not knowing how to respond. Ivan just smiled cheekily before turning to the board and listening to our teacher. Considering this was homeroom I just spaced out until our five minutes were over with. As soon as the 'class' was over we hit the hallways. Ivan had history next-I had English Literary. With Alfred. And Mr. Kirkland, our teacher. I both loved and despised English class.

Ivan walked me to my class and I said I'd see him at lunch. He smiled his chilly smile and pressed on to his class. I walked in-Alfred was already here his smile bright and turned to be as I walked in. No matter how serious we had been at our last meeting Alfred would never let it show unless we were alone how he felt. He bottled himself up so no one would worry. Being so happy after yesterday only worried me more though. "Hey Madi! Come here, I saved you a seat!" He cheered.

"Hey, thanks Al." I said casually and took out my note book. I always wrote notes for my classes-but in English before class I tended to write things to Alfred before his father would show up. Hell, we were always the first people here along with the Cuban guy who sat in the back stoned out of his mind. No one ever saw our conversations.

'I know you have something you want to say.' I wrote, flipping the book onto his desk. His smile became a plastic one as he pretended to be cheery-and I smiled along with him. We were so fake to everyone but each other it was disgusting sometimes.

'Yeah, how come you never kiss me when we're done? Or during? Or before? Or at all?' He wrote in his sloppy yet readable hand writing. I sighed, and giggled to cover it up in case the stoner in the back was reading the atmosphere for once in his life.

'You kiss people you love who love you back, Alfred. Those are the only people you kiss.' I wrote, my penmanship darker as this was a more serious statement. Alfred sighed and didn't try to cover it up at all this time, taking the book back.

'Does that mean you don't love me back? Do you just let me use you?' He asked, but I never got to respond as half the class bustled in and we faked our smile as I slammed the book closed and opened to a fresh sheet-ready to take notes on Mr. Kirkland's lectures. Alfred didn't seem as cheery. Everyone chalked it up as lack of sleep, I thought it was his lie he told me constantly consuming him. He really thought he loved me. What a pity...