A/N- A short story on Buffy's thoughts on her relationships with Angel and Spike. I do not own any of the characters.
I think about Angel all the time. He haunts my thoughts, my dreams, and my nightmares. I think about our past, about the one time that we were truly together. I know I shouldn't. We're long since over. He left to spare me any pain I'd have in the future. But I have it all now. I yearn for him constantly. He may be gone now but hell... it still feels like he's here, holding me, loving me.
I have a life with Spike now. Yes, he wouldn't be everyone's first choice but he makes me feel happy, in some sort of way. He wants me because I'm me and right now that's what I need, someone who is completely devoted and caring. In a way, he's filling a void. I do have some feelings for him but my feelings for Angel almost destroy them.
Lying in bed at night I think of the man who took my innocence and gave me my womanhood. The feel of his hands running over the small of my back as I surrounded him in love, passion and an intensity that he didn't even know existed. The moans, small intakes of breath and the heated moment. I would give my soul to have that moment again, without the consequences of him losing his.
Spike... he tries too hard sometimes. It's like he has to live up to Angel's reputation even though he hates the guy. He'll bring him up time and time again, which makes it harder for me to push past feelings aside. It's getting more difficult to deny the passion I have for the man that means everything to me.
It's cruel to say that things would have been better if Angel didn't return from hell. I'm glad he did but it made life complicated. We got close again but not as much as him becoming an evil bastard intending on destroying the world. Knowing that he's alive in the world really does create temptation to go running to him and allowing him to comfort my aching heart.
My poor Spike has no idea of what I feel. He doesn't seem to pick up on my distant moods, funny moments and bad temper. He has me and that's all he cares about. I don't blame him. He's gotten what he wanted, nothing else matters.
So I'm stuck. I can't do anything. Forever with a guy that means so little to me wanting a guy that means so much. Please, someone help me. I don't know what to do.