Title: The Long Kiss Goodbye
Author: radarhunnihawk
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1085

Warnings: Spoilers for events in GFA.

Disclaimers: The characters are not mine and no money has been made from this fic. The characters belong to fox and this has been done purely for fun.

Author Notes: Inspired as my retaliation from all the H/M happy ever fiction. Don't like that then don't read! Thanks to Twilight for the beta. Wrote for hashbash challene on Live journal.
Summary: Margaret reflects on the last time she saw a certain somebody. Set post war
Pairing/Genre: implied references to H/M.

Something told me that would be the last time I would see Hawkeye Pierce. I am not sure what it was, a gut instinct maybe. It was not just the fact that our personalities had changed, they had, mine more so than his to be honest. The camp may have secretly thought that we would be have a fairy tale, happy ever after and all that, but at the end of the day I did not love him. Well not in the way that I loved Frank or Scully or even Donald. If I could say I loved him it was like a friend or a brother, not as a lover. Hawkeye and I were just too different for us to work in the long term. If I were honest with myself, we would not have worked in the short term either, as that unhappy experience in a certain hut showed.

Yet that kiss, that long, breathtaking kiss seemed to be a suitable way to say goodbye. I was taken aback slightly that he had kissed me, I was half expecting a hug if anything. However that kiss conveyed more than words ever could. I could never think of the words that could have expressed what we had been through together: Too many hours in OR, several relationships on both sides, but also from severe dislike to admiration over the course of three years. I could hardly believe that part of my life was over. I could not believe that Hawkeye Pierce would not be in my life anymore. Sure we could pretend that we could keep in touch, letters, the occasional phone call but that's all it would be. Pretending.

Our kiss had made the other doctors uncomfortable. Not like I would be comfortable if I was in their shoes. However it was goodbye and that is something that can be rushed. The kiss itself was indescribable, the emotions that were conveyed. I guess the best way to put it would be bitter sweet. Bitter would be the circumstances that drew, not just Hawkeye and I, but everyone else together. Nobody could describe Korea as fun. Sure there was moments that I would look fondly on but the sessions in OR were hell. The sweet for the people I met, the people who touched my life and formed the person I am today, the friendships - no matter how temporary, that were forged in that camp. I never knew what was going on in Hawkeye's mind - I doubt anyone really did. He was just that kind of person, class clown on the surface but always a bundle of contradictions that was impossible to fully understand. I would value meeting him, will value knowing him, for the rest of my life. He is unforgettable; believe me I have tried to. I have tried to forget everything about that place, that may not seem like me but the Army is not my life anymore. He helped myself break down the emotional barriers that kept me from enjoying life. He was the glue that held the camp together but I have to wonder at what personal cost? Maybe that's one of the reasons that will prevent us meeting up. It would be too painful for us both.

I was aware that he was holding me close and I appreciated that. The physical gesture was all I needed as I responded to his kiss to wordlessly tell him how I felt. To tell him 'thank you, I will miss you, it was good knowing you'. To be honest I did not know what it was I was conveying. Three years previously, if he tried to say goodbye in that way I probably would have decked him. Now I find myself missing him. I knew most people would. I sometimes wonder what he is up to, if he's happy 'getting Crabapple Cove to say Ahhh', to use his words. I sometimes find myself wondering if he misses me, I doubt it. The only thing He will miss is the still, and his relationship with BJ and Radar and everyone else but me.

But that kiss. That was the first and last time I have experienced anything like it. I regret my casual words afterwards. Our whole indefinable relationship concluded with a simple "See ya!" If I could turn back the clock I would have said something different. He was equally as casual though; the whole thing was awkward to say the least. I had this silly image in my head of wanting to mother him, to look after him make everything better. However I doubt even if he let me, that I could heal the mental wounds war left him with. Hell I could barely comprehend what I experienced and I was a regular army nurse. I had no idea how I thought I could help him, so I just got into the jeep and rode off to the 8063rd.

That night Charles and I had a conversation, which helped put things into perspective. It was then I realised Hawkeye and I would not meet up again. I wasn't as upset by the thought as I had expected to be. Maybe that was 'Hotlips' coming back to the surface again, maybe because that was my life experience. After all travelling as an army brat I have made a lot of temporary acquaintances and I guess that's the way I am always going to be: unable to settle in one place for very long. Hawkeye was too attached to his home, another reason any relationship would be doomed.

There is no point dwelling on the past. That was then, one kiss. The way I have pondered on it would make people think that it was the last time I was kissed. I guess it could truthfully be said that it was the last time Hawkeye and I kissed. That is one reason that it holds a special place in my memory, it was the end of an era, the end of my time at the 4077th. The last time I saw not only Hawkeye, but also most of the 4077th. I wish I had kept in touch with certain people but that was the nature of the way army life, of my life and a choice I have to live with. I cannot change the past but if I could I wonder if it would have been the last time that I saw Hawkeye. Guess I will never know.

Reviews welcome!