I stare at myself through the mirror. I grimace because I see a person I don't want to be, and I hate her. I hate everything, and I hate everybody...
I don't even know what happened; how my life turned out like this, how half the girls in my grade started using me as a funny punch-line like, "Oh my gosh you are such a Lily!" and why I still put up with it. This always brings me to a thought that I wish I could push away, and leave behind in a place where my old happy self is...a place that is long gone. Suicide is that thought; I can finally move to heaven from my hell. The only reason I haven't gone through with it yet, is because of that one momentarily thought that by some chance, something good is coming my way. But from each passing day...I'm starting to doubt that'll ever happen. I don't think I'll ever find what I've lost.
"Lily, you slutted up today, good for you!" It was Chelsea Parker with her crew of "minions." I never really understood why they kept calling me a slut, because there were other times when they called me the exact opposite, "Wow, do you like it when your grandmother dresses you like that?" I guess they just say what's on their minds at the time. Why can't I do that? I sink my teeth into my lower lip and force it to stop trembling, continuing on my way. I trek through the long hallway of the school I once loved, but now feared. I walk right past Chelsea, no one ever knowing that we were once best friends. I vaguely remember what our feud was, but it was enough for her to realize how I was holding her back on her "Popularity Status," and enough for me to realize that I've lost a friend. I walk to my locker located beside the boys change room, and try to make the best of my day. Though that was kind of hard to do with a big fat paper reading:
Lily's Future = MENTAL INSTITUTE,
Just like her Mother.
That was taped to the outside of my metal beige locker. Looking at the yellow paper, I didn't know how I felt. Angry? Sad? Or maybe I was confused. Whatever the hell it was, I turned and ran my way to the washroom, my eyes welling up with hot tears threating to come down. I was scared that if I cried that first drop, the tears won't stop coming. How could Chelsea give away my darkest secret like it was just another pair of shoes to borrow! I didn't even bother to rip the paper from the locker, what was the point when half the school had already seen it? I burst through the washroom door, just in time for the tears to rain down my face. I walk to the sink, my legs shaking. I stare at myself through the mirror. I grimace because I see a person I don't want to be, and I hate her. I hate everything, and I hate everybody.I turn the faucet on and splash water on my face, imagining that I was drowning in a pool. I hate my mother. I hate the fact that she's crazy, and putting a burden on my shoulders, making me worry that I might become her. I was about to hide myself in a stall, when Chelsea walked in, pretending not to notice that I ran in here. She probably came in to check my reaction from her little prank.
There we were, Chelsea and I, standing face to face in the middle of the washroom. Two years ago, we would have been gossiping about the latest celebrity to enter Rehab. But it wasn't two years ago, now the space between us felt like two sides of the same magnet, pushing us away from each other. I had nowhere to go, and Chelsea had a whole school waiting for her. It was then when I realized; I didn't know who I was anymore. I used to be way stronger than this, and I didn't want to be a person that needs help when I felt all alone. My whole world was falling apart, and I didn't know how to rebuild it...and if I could rebuild it. Would I have to stay this way forever? Chelsea looked at me and snarled.
"Are you okay?" She asked in the outmost caring voice I have ever heard. "You didn't have to be so dramatic."
"I bet you'd feel the same if you were me." I looked at her with my blotchy red eyes, trying to look fierce, doubting that it was working. My hand was gripping the edge of the white sink, like it was the place where I was getting all my power from.
"Are you serious?" Chelsea scoffed, raising her eyebrows. "If anyone were you... they would kill themselves." She smiled her perfect smile and turned towards the door. "Trust me."
Standing alone in the washroom, my tears streamed down my face. So everyone else thinks I should die too? That maybe I was a waste of air? Because if they did, then that is exactly what I think too, and they just helped me make a decision that I've been holding back on for a very long time. I stayed in the washroom until the middle into 1st period, and then walked out the school doors.
Is recarnation real? I didn't know the answer to that, but if it is, I hope I don't come back as the loser I am now. I don't think I can ever live through this pain again; having no victory, moral, or a silver lining in my life. I sit in my car, and wait for the green light to turn red. It should be the other way around, but not for me. I've decided this is the way I want to go. To leave the hell I am in. A car crash seemed like a good idea to me; everyone thinking that it was just an accident. I wonder if anyone will attend my funeral, if they would bring me flowers and feel sorry for me. I decide that the answer is probably not. No one ever did feel sorry for me, or give me comfort, because if they did, would I be in this position right now? Did they know the cost of shed tears I went through because of their torment? I didn't bother writing one of those cheesy "Suicide Letter ". Who was going to read it? My dead father? My crazy mother? My grandmother who's always at the nursing home? The light turns yellow, and I bend my head and look down, my eyes closed. This was it. Just a few more seconds left.
With my eyes closed, I build up courage in my head and my heart, telling myself that I have to do this. It's not fair! I thought. It's not fair! I didn't deserve this life, and I can't fix it! Nothing will change...nothing will EVER change! There's nothing for me in this life, and maybe there will be in the next one. I open my eyes in time for the light to turn red. My thoughts take over me, and I step on the gas pedal. I squeeze my eyes shut once more, waiting for the inevitable. I hear the world around me; cars screeching to a halt as I kept on going forward into the intersection. That's when I heard the loud BEEEEEP coming from my side of the car. I open my eyes and looked out my window; the only thing I saw was a bright light coming from the headlights of the other car. Just when it was about to hit my door with full force enough to kill me, a thought ran through my head, alarming me.
Oh my god! I shouldn't have done this...