Chapter 1

A/N: Alright I would just like to say first off the reason I am writing this is because I think Kogan is cute and because I think this would work really well. Second I would like to say I don't own Big Time Rush! Though I wish I did just so I could make Logan and Kendall get together. And third I suck at summaries and Titles so if you have suggestions for titles please tell me.

WARNING: Self-harm slash and suicidal thoughts/actions. If you don't like any of that don't read it! No one's forcing you to. I have given you a fair warning so you can't say I didn't.

3rd person pov:

Logan Mitchell sat in the bathroom of his band's apartment at the Palmwoods; a razor is being held shakingly over his left forearm. He watched with a sick satisfaction as he pressed the blade against his pale skin, blood pouring from the vertical slash he drew. He repeated this same action on his other arm and watched as the blood slowly dripped into the sink.

He quietly sighed and soon started bandage his fresh wounds knowing that his friends would be coming to check on him before long. Weather it would be James or Carlos he didn't know, though he definitely knew it wouldn't be Kendall. No, Kendall was out on a date... with Jo.

No one knew how much that just the fact alone, of Kendall going out with Jo, broke Logan's heart ... and most likely not for the reasons you would think. You see he didn't have feelings for Jo; all his hidden feelings were for Kendall. He's been in love with the other boy, his best friend and band mate, since junior high, but it's not like he would ever tell anyone that simple fact any time soon.

Logan sighed again as he finished putting all his stuff away and walking out the bathroom door; running into James as he did so.

"Hey, buddy! I was just coming over to check on you. You okay, Logan, because you've seemed kind of down in the dumps lately," James said, with a small hint of concern in his voice, not too much though. Many wouldn't believe it, and James wouldn't admit to it either, but he really was a softie who truly cared about his friends, nor was he as self-centered as he made himself out to be.

Logan faked a smiled and felt very relieved when he noticed that James didn't realize that it was forced smile, or that he also seemed irritated.

"Yeah, I'm fine, James. I've just been a little stressed lately and am starting to think it's just getting to my head is all," he lied smoothly to his friend, secretly regretting that he couldn't tell his friend the truth about any of his problems.

But it isn't a complete lie, he reasoned with himself, because he had been under a lot of stress lately; just not for the same reasons they assumed.

"Well then, do you want to go down to the pool with me and Carlos?" James smiled, "We can tan and watch as Carlos shamelessly tries to get a date with one of the Jennifer's," James chuckled shaking his head at the thought, but you could see there was mischief deep in his eyes.

Logan quickly thought about it, but then decided against going as he remembered that was where Kendall and Jo were having their date. He didn't want to face the pain of seeing them act a romantic, so he said, "Thanks, but no. I'll just stay here and... get caught up on my school work and just relax here where it's quiet."

"Alright... well then have fun. We won't be out for too long, and Kendall should be home soon," James said, before he turned around and walked away looking for Carlos, if Logan had seen the look in James' eyes when he turned around he would have seen the concern he had in his eyes as he left.

He sighed when James was out of view and thought, I really hope he's wrong and they are all out late, tonight. The only good thing about staying in the apartment alone is that Katie and Mrs. Knight are at a family reunion, because they are way too nosey and would never leave me alone until they figured out my secret ... all of them. I really don't want that happening, because if they did find out they would tell the whole band and that, most likely, wouldn't be too good. They'd probably just be disgusted, never talk to me again, and kick me out of the band for good. Just that thought alone brought tears to his brown eyes.

As soon as he heard the door slam shut signaling that James and Carlos had left the room he turned and walked into the room he shares with Kendall. No one knew it, but he hated sharing a room with him, because it is extremely hard to keep his secret hidden the longer they were together.

Slowly he took out his homework knowing that soon someone would be home and he didn't want to make anyone suspicious, knowing that James is most likely going to tell everyone why he didn't come along. In reality he just really wanted to run back to the bathroom, grab his razor, and slash his wrists to little, thin ribbons, but, no, he would not only slice his arms, he would slice his legs, his stomach, his sides, his chest, then, his throat. Blood would be going all over the place draining him of his life source, draining him dry.

Though it had just been an unlikely daydream, and he would never admit it, but he was now actually considering it. For the first time in his life Logan Mitchell was actually considering suicide.

*At the Pool*

"Hey guys! Where's Logan?" Kendall called, looking around as he saw Carlos and James walking towards him and Jo.

"He's still in the apartment. He said he wanted to finish up some school work, which that by it's self concerns me, because he got all his homework finished like two weeks ago. Usually he would've finished it by now, and last time I checked he did have it all finished," James said with concern evident in his voice and a frown plastered on his face.

"I'm sure he's fine," Kendall said as he turned back to Jo; but not before noticing his friend's facial expressions, "but if it makes you feel better I'll go check on him in a minute," he added as an afterthought. They smiled as they walked off to do their own thing; for Carlos that was jumping into the pool causing a big splash and James going to flirt with some random girl.

Truth be told Kendall was more worried than he let on. Logan had been very distant lately from them all, but mostly with Kendall. Sure, they were all worried about him, they considered Logan the baby of the group. He was always the smallest and the most innocent, the other boys wouldn't let anything happen to him, no matter what, he was the youngest and the boys all felt responsible for him.

Especially Kendall, but only Jo knew that Logan had feelings for the brunette boy. He told her after finally giving up on trying to get her to go on a date with him.

*Flashback*

"Alright, look Jo, I know that you have a boyfriend back home so I'll stop harassing you. . . but I do need some advice," Kendall said looking at her with uncertainty on his face.

Jo looked at him shocked; she hadn't expected him to give up so quickly. "Yes, Kendall? What do you need advice on?" she asked with a smile. She was happy that he wouldn't be bugging her anymore but at the same time absolutely shocked. She had heard that he never gave up when he wanted to go out with someone, unless he lost fair and square.

"Well there's somebody else I really, really like, but I don't think they like me back in the same way," Kendall said looking down at his shoes miserably.

"Well, who is she? Maybe I could talk to her," Jo suggested happily that he liked someone else besides her. She quickly noticed Kendall looking down at worn and torn shoes, while mumbling something she couldn't quite make out. She also saw that he also looked ashamed, like if he told her she would slam the door in his face. "What was that? I didn't hear you," Jo said, now frowning, confusion gracing her features.

What has him so upset? Jo wondered in concern and curiosity.

He sighed and said in a hushed voice hoping that no one else would overhear what he was about to fess up to, "I'm in love with Logan, and I've felt this way since ... I don't know ... Junior High." Jo looked shocked before she smiled brightly and squealed hugging him real quick.

"Awwwww! That's so cute! You two would look great together!" Jo gushed excitedly, already looking forward to helping her new friend.

"Well that's the main problem, I don't know if he has any feelings for me or not. I mean I know he's gay- we've known that since, like, before the band even started, or was thought of, but I don't think he has feelings for me in the same way I have them for him," Kendall tells her with the same concerned and uncertain look on his face as before.

Jo was quiet as she thought before she smiled and said, "Oh, I know what to do! We can pretend like we're dating and see if he gets jealous at all, so that way we'll know if he likes you back! We just can't take it too far though, one of the reasons being because of my boyfriend and two because we don't want Logan to feel like he has no chance with you at all. As we both know that wouldn't too be good."

Kendall smiled as he replied, "I think that that might just work. Thanks, Jo, you really are a great friend."

"I know. Now, let me just call up my boyfriend and tell him, so if he sees it on the news he doesn't think I'm cheating on him," Jo replies with a giddy smile.

*End Flashback*

"Hey, Kendall! You still in there?" Jo asked as she waved a hand in front of Kendall's face with a frown on her own.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine just thinking about when you promised you'd help me figure out if Logan likes me back or not," he responds with a small smile. "Now, what should we do?" There was a drastic change from his previous mood as he thought of how Logan might not even like him more than as a friend.

"Hmmmm," she hummed with a thoughtful look on her face, then she smiled brightly as she said, "Maybe we could play it up a little bit, you know, maybe spend a little more time together and see if he finally reacts. All-in-all if that doesn't work out, you could always confront him with your feelings." Kendall rolled his eyes as she suggested confronting Logan, which she's been trying to get him to do, since she heard about Kendall loving him.

"Thanks for the suggestion Jo, but I don't think that would work too well," he said with a dejected sigh. He looked so depressed that Jo just had to get up and give him a comforting hug, just a nice friendly one and nothing more.

"Well if it would make you feel any better I could go talk to him," Jo suggests as she walks back to her seat on the opposite side of the table they were sitting at.

"That would be great, Jo," Kendall says with a small smile. "Well, I have to go check on Logan now. I'll see you tomorrow, Jo!"

"Bye, Kendall! See you tomorrow!" Jo yelled after him as he walked into the elevator, hitting the button that said floor two. He turned and waved towards her through the glass door. Though he wouldn't be so happy as soon as he saw what was happening in his and Logan's room.

When he got up to his floor he jogged towards room 2J wanting to make sure Logan was okay. He was determined to make sure the love of his life was perfectly fine. He couldn't even bare the thought of any pain coming to Logan.

As he opened the door and walked to his room he frowned upon hearing what sounded like sobbing on the other side of the door, but as soon as he opened it he stopped short upon the sight greeting him.

A/N: Cliffy! It's so much fun…:) Please review! It will get me to update faster