Cheating
Chapter 1: Guilt
Disclaimer: I want them so much so I can kill Kathy and Elliot and Olivia will have a happy ending.
A/N: EVERYONE CALM DOWN! I KNOW, I KNOW, I WANT TO KILL DICK WOLF TOO AND BASH ELLIOT OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GUITAR IN MY CLOSET THAT I NEVER USE BUT IT WON'T DO US ANY GOOD! SO EVERYONE JUST TAKE SOME DEEP, CALMING BREATHS! There, that's… NOT BETTER! Okay, let's just all focus our energy into collecting the ski masks and pitch forks and flaming bags of poop from various mammals. We will take over this show yet, even if we have to do it by force. Then Chris and Mariska will have to act out a sex scene every five minutes and Dick Wolf will have to bring us coffee and doughnuts.
So, this story is to try and explain just WHAT THE HELL Elliot was thinking. It will be EO of course with the appropriate amount of angst and drama.
He walked out of the building as fast as he could, not pausing for even a second because he knew she would be on his heals. He had never been good at hiding his emotions; they were always bubbling just beneath the surface and this morning when he saw her, when he heard her voice, asking if he was okay, he could barely stand it.
Sex with Kathy had never been the way it had been last night. They were two bodies, starved for human contact, desperate to receive it no matter the source. Being caught by Kathleen on the way out was the final nail in the coffin and he felt ashamed.
There were no innocent parties in that bed. Each had been using the other, perhaps trying to rekindle something that they hadn't realized was long dead and incapable of rising from the grave. It wasn't fair to Kathy to be balancing on the razor's edge that he seemed to have settled upon, keeping his distance yet keeping a closeness that was suffocating both of them.
He sank into his car, unsure of where he should go. He needed to go get some sleep. His apartment was the obvious choice. He reached for the keys when a voice from outside made him stop.
"Just had to outdo me didn't you," it was that voice. He couldn't bring himself to look at her because even though he had slept with his wife, it felt like he was cheating on Olivia.
He rolled down his window and leaned against it, still not looking at her "What do you mean?" he asked.
Olivia smiled softly. Cragen had told her about what had happened in the interrogation room. The memory of her stomping Michael Thatcher nearly to death still floated around them and he had just had to show her up by being even more insane than her on her worst day. "I wish I'd had the presence of mind to barricade myself inside when I was in there with Thatcher," she chuckled softly, trying to make light of her own troubles.
"Yeah," Elliot shrugged "Well, I wish I would have had the presence of mind to actually kill the bastard."
Olivia leaned inside the window "Hey," she said softly "He really got to you didn't he," she could tell that it was bothering him.
She was so close that he could smell her perfume. It was a subtle sent but it carried with it such warm thoughts that he closed his eyes and was almost at peace. But then he remembered his shame and he opened his eyes once more, gazing out the windshield and not at his partner who stood watching him worriedly. "It was a long night," he said simply.
"Wanna talk about it?" she offered.
It was at this point, Elliot did turn to look at her. He saw the look in her eyes. He didn't deserve her compassion, her understanding, her friendship. He turned away again "Not right now," he mumbled before starting the engine.
Olivia took a step back from the car as Elliot pulled away from the curb "Okay," she gave him a small wave and a warm smile that he caught a glimpse of out of the corner of his eye. "When you're ready to talk about it, you know where to find me."
"Yeah," he nodded, rolling up the window. Her smile only deepened his guilt. Still, he couldn't help taking one last look at her before he drove away.