AN: This story features a guest author by the name of kacheep. It is the companion fic to The Terrible Lunchtime of Doom, and has the same format as explained in chapter four of TTLD. Also in the fic, Al is an armor.

Edward Elric was drowning in poo. More specifically, Black Hayate's poo.

"EARYGH! WON'T SOMEONE SAVE THIS INNOCENT CHILD?" Ed bawled, trying to stay afloat.

Black Hayate only barked, and continued his diarrhea.

"Black Hayate!" Riza snapped. "No playing until after you've finished your supper!" she admonished.

Roy put a hand on her shoulder. "Darling, don't worry, the short one can fend for himself,"

Riza brushed him off. "I don't love you," She handed him a gift card to the local brothel. "Here, content yourself with this,"

"I love you too," With a swoop of his coat, Roy was off. "Happy fun time, here I come!"

Alphonse Elric finally came to his brother's rescue. "Big Brother, you should be ashamed of yourself," He pulled Ed out of the stinky stuff."You look filthier than Mustang's hoes!"

Ed gasped. "Al! Your innocence has been compromised!"

Al paled. "Er... I mean... You look filthier than Mustang's lady friends!" To atone for his sin, he stood stock still and allowed his fangirls to glomp him as much as they pleased.

He began to rust from the massive amounts of drool emanating from the fangirls' mouths. One of them crawled into his armor.

Ed, having conveniently forgotten how his brother had just saved his life, decided to ponder the mysteries of the universe.

"Hmm...the world is such a small place for one as large as I," He straightened up and stroked an imaginary beard. "How sad Major Armstrong must be, so small compared to me..." He flexed his tiny muscles.

Roy returned, bearing a disconsolate expression. "In the last four minutes, I caught 63 STDs, 60 of which that are incurable. HAWKEYE, I WANT YOUR FLESH!"

Riza tossed him a piece of ham. "Fleshy enough for you?" she asked. "I also have some roast beef in my car."

With a roar of inhuman rage, Mustang lunged for Hawkeye's throat, only to get a bullet in the knee.

Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc arrived at the scene. "Mustang, why is there in a bullet in your knee?" asked Fuery.

Havoc recognized Mustang's problem. "BREDA, FALMAN, GET OUT HIS EMERGENCY PORNO, STAT!" The men quickly pulled out magazines from inside their coats and thrust them in front of Roy's eyes.

"Hehe..." Roy was reduced to a simpering blob. "My ladies...how beautiful you are in ink,"

Riza giggled. "Thanks for saving me. I shall now grant you all one favor."

Breda went first. "I want...your virginity,"

*bang* Breda drifted off to purgatory.

Falman nervously scratched his neck. "Hawkeye, I would like an eye color,"

Hawkeye invoked her powers of awesomeness. "YOUR EYES ARE NOW...THE COLOR OF GAY RAINBOWS AND UNICORN DUNG,"

Falman tearfully thanked her, and ran off in search of a mirror.

Fuery looked down at the ground shyly. "Perhaps it wouldn't be too difficult to grant me Black Hayate's first born son?"

Riza nodded solemnly. "You have my word." As if on cue, multiple puppies flew out of a female dog next to Black Hayate. The first male puppy to be born was automatically transported into Fuery's arms.

"Yay!" He squealed.

Havoc cleared his throat. "Er... could you possibly give me a girlfriend who thinks of me as a god?"

"Hm...that is a little difficult, but it can be done," Riza conjured up a woman of the highest caliber for Havoc.

"Ehmahgawd!" the woman gasped, bowing down at Havoc's feet. "Are you my boyfriend? You're hot,"

"Shall we go out on the town?" Havoc tipped an imaginary fedora.

The woman passed out romantically into his arms.

Roy had now recovered, and was up on his feet. "Havoc, your girlfriend is smexy, can I borrow her?"

Havoc shot him in the other knee. "NEVER!" He squealed, running off to the nearest police station, girlfriend in tow.

"AIEE~!" Fuery screeched, dropping to the floor and administering first aid onto Roy's knees. The puppy went off in search of a mate. "Get back here, White Etayah! No mating until you are a million years old!" Fuery shook a fist at the rebellious pup.

Roy blinked as he saw Fuery administering the first aid onto him. "Are you...my soul mate?"

Fuery smiled sadly. "Alas... I am not gay. Good day." Fuery left, leaving Mustang all alone, save for Ed and Al.

Ed walked over to Mustang. "You are a despicable excuse of a man. I shall castrate you with my automail blade. Also, now that both of your knees have been shot out, I am taller than you." Ed readied his weapon.

"...no...NO!" Roy cried out in self pity. "If you castrate me, I'll never be able to woo girls again!"

Al sighed. "Colonel Mustang, have you already forgotten about your 60 incurable STDs?"

"What STDs? I don't have any STDs," Roy said, wearing his cute eyes expression. He scratched his nether regions. They were really itchy.

"Don't play dumb with me, Bastard Colonel," Ed squatted down and pulled down Mustang's pants in a slightly homosexual way.

The sight that greeted him left him slightly blind. "...HOLY CRAP, MY EYES!" Ed screamed, pointing at Mustang's decimated reproductive system.

Roy grinned sheepishly. "That's not even the worst of it," He dramatically gestured to...

AN: What did Roy gesture to? The next chapter shall tell all.