A swing of the bat

by Wouter Jaegers

Butt-Head reflects back on what both was the coolest thing he ever did and what ended his friendship with Beavis

A Swing of the bat.

A Beavis and Butt-Head fanfiction story by Wouter Jaegers

There it stood, where it had been all of these years after it happened, that aluminium baseball bat that changed everything. Butt-Head's tired eyes glanced at it filled with hatred, that fucking baseball bat robbed him of companionship forever. Still he never felt like getting rid of it, it was afterall, a keepsake of the coolest thing he ever did.

Was what happened really that sudden or were there indications that something was about to take place? Butt-Head glanced at a picture of him and Beavis together. Beavis had the tendency to start babbling like a dumbass every once in a while. Butt-Head clearly recalled watching a music video of a Band named Korn when on such occurence happened, Beavis started babbling about what was wrong with the music and how it fitted in the mantle of alternative rock or whatever but then again he did say "sphyncter". Butt-Head quickly learned that a smack in Beavis' face would be enough to get him back to normal.

But that wasn't the case when the Baseball bat incident happened. Butt-head slowly laughed as he saw the thing in his mind again. They were playing frog baseball when all of a sudden the biggest butterfly Butt-Head ever recalled seeing landed on Beavis 'head. They stole this brand new metal bat from a sport store earlier and Butt-Head recalled thinking that squashing that big ass butterfly would be the perfect way to break that bat in, hitting Beavis in the process would be an added bonus.

As expected Beavis went out cold after recieving the blow that he never even saw coming. Butt-Head laughed out loud as he recalled seeing Beavis hitting the ground. Even after all those years the memory of having knocked Beavis down was enough to have him laughing for hours. That was without a doubt the coolest thing that ever happened, just how long he stood there laughing at that fartknocker, he couldn't recall but every time he tried to get over to Beavis to see if he was alright, just the sight of him lying there was enough to get him laughing again. Eventually Beavis came around again and if it weren't for the fact that he was still laughing Butt-Head could have noticed that Beavis was different. First of all, Beavis' "Heh-heh" way of laughing wasn't there, instead Beavis reached for his head and asked what happened. Butt-Head laughed at seeing Beavis confused at what was happening. "Come on dude, let's get out of here." Butt-Head laughed.

But Beavis, seeing the metal bat in Butt-Head's hands, apparently had put two and two together. Butt-Head recalled seeing Beavis' face going into a shock and that made him laugh even louder. "Did you hit me in the head with that?" Beavis shouted in a tone of voice Butt-Head never heard before and that was yet another reason to laugh, this just got cooler and cooler. "Yeah, huh-huh, it was cool." But what happened next was unexpected, Beavis suddenly leaped up and ran away screaming for police and an ambulance. Butt-Head remembered being baffled: normaly Beavis would start to fight and try kick him in the nads. In a way it was cool, Butt-Head would later call him a cowardice buttwipe for it. Shrugging it off, Butt-Head decided to go home.

But when arriving home, Beavis wasn't there, instead there was a cop car and the clerk of the sport store waiting for him to arrive. Butt-Head saw them, looked at the stolen metal baseball bat in his own hands and looked at the cops and the clerk looking at him and all of a sudden felt his inside going really cold. This would be a great time to panic, he couldn't recall ever running so hard but the cops and the shepperd dog they had with them caught up with him without any trouble. Once he was shoved in the back of the cop car, Butt-Head tried to piece together the chain of events that got him there. It must have been the theft of the bat and that Beavis must be in custody already. When being brought into the office Butt-Head tried to make out Beavis' voice in the mish-mash of voices inside the building but Beavis' tell tail voice wasn't among them.

"Uuhh, huh-huh, where's Beavis?" Butt-Head asked the cop who took his fingerprints and mug shots? The answer was confusing, something about a hospital, charges of first degree assault and theft. When he was placed in a cell Butt-Head once again asked around for Beavis, the others in the cells had no idea where this "dumbass fartknocker" as Butt-Head described him was. It was at that time that Butt-Head got a little worried. So he asked the cop who was guarding the place where the bunghole that he hit with the bat was? The cop turned to him and told him that Beavis was in the hospital being treated for his injuries.

The next day Butt-Head stood in a line up. "That's the one officer." Mr. Stevenson said while pointing straight to Butt-Head. "That's the boy who lives with Beavis and who whacked him in the back of the head with a metal bat." Butt-Head was taken to a seperate room and a cop asked him about it. This time Butt-Head wanted to know a little more about what happened to Beavis. Butt-Head was told that Beavis had suffered severe trauma to his head and had sustained possible brain damage, it was the adrenaline rush that abled him to run away to safety. Hearing that and seeing the thing happening again made Butt-Head chuckle "Yeah I kicked his ass." The cop then started to look really darkly at him and said "So you admit to doing it?" it only made Butt-Head laugh louder "Yeah, it was cool."

Afterwards Butt-Head was put in another line up and this time the store clerk identified him as the one who took the bat. When being pressed about it Butt-Head insisted that Beavis had been there as well but when shown the security camera footage Butt-Head was reminded that when he stole the bat, he had Beavis outside the store to stand guard. Butt-Head slowly began to understand that whatever was about to happen now, it was gonna suck. As the days went by in the cell, Butt-Head found out that being locked up sucked. he was constantly being beat up by guys bigger than him. Then there was this homosexual assmunch who tried to score with him. If there was food, the food sucked and worst of all, no TV. Butt-Head recalled wanting to go to Burgerworld or Taco bell to get something real to eat.

The court case was cool though: those lawyers and judges in their silly suits, plus he finally got to see Beavis again. Butt-Head just sat there in the courtroom laughing at words like "Penal" and at the wordplay of his defense attourney, it was all a big laugh really. But the biggest laugh of all was when Beavis was brought forwards to testify. Beavis was wearing formal attire, the judge had to remove Butt-Head from the hearing because of him laughing so hard at how Beavis looked. "Butt-Head, may I have a word with you." a familiar voice spoke up after Butt-Head was removed from the court room, it was Mr. Van Driessen. He told him that Beavis was found by Mr. Stevenson who took him to the hospital. And Beavis managed to tell Mr. Stevenson and the medics that Butt-Head had hit him with a bat. The medics allerted the police and Stevenson gave them the home adress of Beavis and Butt-Head. Van Driessen also told him that Beavis now lived at the Stevenson's house and how Beavis had improved really well.

In the end Butt-Head was convicted of first degree assault, apparently stating that "It was the coolest thing in the world" was the wrong thing to say because he could remember seeing his defense attourney cringe and stating that he "Should slap some sense into that butt-munch" also didn't help matters much, Beavis asked him straight why he thought so. "Hey isn't it like the rule to say the truth and nothing but the truth in a courtroom, uh-huh-huh." Yeah that courtcase was one big laugh after another. Beavis had become such a wuss and he now constantly spoke in that strange wussy way, all he needed was for Butt-Head to make him settle down again and a few slaps in the face would do nicely.

But then came the sentence: two years in a youth prison. Two years without TV, two years of having his ass kicked on a daily basis, two years of not having something decent to eat and two years of no opportunity to kick Beavis' ass fot ratting him out. And why didn't the guidence councillors get it when he told him that it was cool to whack Beavis in the head with the bat? It wasn't really that hard to understand was it? But most of all, it was two years of loneliness, nobody to talk to, nobody to do cool stuff together with; like frog baseball or blowing up mail boxes. Two years without Beavis.

It was just after his 18'th birthday that Butt-Head was released, it was strange to be back in highland again after his jail time, after getting his stuff back from the police Butt-Head went straight to the Burgerworld to have something good to eat and to see something familiar after all that time. He was served by a polite boy and the burger was really good, the place itself was clean as a whistle. Butt-Head saw kids playing in the newly built playground and the place ran like a well oiled machine. "This place sucks more than it ever did." Butt-head sighed, two years without him and Beavis making it cool had left deep scars. As Butt-Head walked through his neighborhood he saw more things had changed in two years. There was Mr. Anderson's house looking like new, Butt-Head remembered chuckling when he saw it, fat chance that it was gonna stay that way.

As he neared the front door of his house, something caught his eye: it was the metal baseball bat, apparently it was all but forgotten after the cops had taken him in. Butt-Head picked it up and he instantly saw it happening again, Beavis was whacked in the head and he went cold, Butt-head laughed at the memory while bringing it inside, a nice reminder of that ultra cool day "This place rules!" Butt-Head mumbled in awe when seeing what two years of not being maintained whatsoever did to the house he grew up in. Take the Hallway alone: the foul air was thick and musky, the windows were covered in cobwebs, there were wet stains all over the place and several stray cats quickly hid between the piles of stuff lying all over the place. This was a home coming of all home comings, Butt-Head carefully walked through every room checking if they matched the epitome of "Cool" of the hallway. The toilet was the best: the turd Beavis left two years ago was still there but in the meantime had turned into a wierd looking black fibre-looking rock hard disc. Butt-Head quickly lifted it from the bowl and placed it in the window, the coolest ornament ever. A visit to the kitchen supplied him with a microwaved Burrito that had been in the fridge for far too long, Butt-Head looked at the expiration date and shrugged, a Burrito only became better with age. Butt-Head then walked to the living room, saw that everything was still there, the couch was crusty and infested with mice, never the less, Butt-Head let himself drop into the couch with a happy sigh before reaching for the remote of the TV which was covered in a thick layer of dust and turned the TV on. He felt happy, finally back home, sitting on the couch watching TV after having been deprived of just that for far too long.

But after two days of being at home watching TV, the empty spot on the couch seemed to become emptier with the minute. Butt-Head realized that in order for him to find out where Beavis was, he had no choice to go to the suckiest place in the whole town: Highland High school. With a Grunt, Butt-Head lifted himself from the couch and marched off.

When arriving there, he saw several football players walking past wearing their wide padded jerseys, apparently it was pep-rally day. Just then one of those players caught his eye: he was big, muscular and talked with a cocky tone of voice but Butt-Head recognized him as the shy, demure and fat kid he used to be. "Uhh... huh-huh, Stewart, is that you?" the boy turned around and looked at the skinny, scraggy and unkept guy who addressed him. "Do we know each other?" he asked in a mocking way. "It's ME, Butt-Head, your ...uh.. Friend, remember?" Stewart and the other football players then turned around and moved in a circle around Butt-Head. Stewart then looked at him with an angry glare. "Yeah, I remember, I remember you and Beavis torturing me by throwing a cactus in my underpants, I remember you guys blowing up my parents' kitchen, I remember all the hardship I went through thanks to YOU." Butt-Head couldn't help but to laugh at the memories caused by what Stewart just brought up. "Oh yeah, huh-huh-huh, that was cool."

"What's going on here people?!" a voice hollered, it was Coach Buzzcut. "Nothing really coach, just a little pantsy that apparently has crawled up from under his rock again." Stewart spoke while he and the other football players moved aside. "Hey, you bung lick, don't make me kick your ass!" Butt-Head protested, but all the same feeling that his chances of actually doing so were VERY small, he was out numbered and out gunned. Coach Buzzcut gave him a look over and then a smiled crep on his face "Your hair is longer and you've grown somewhat but you're still the same weak maggot you always were Butt-Head, I see that even jail couldn't change you. Luckely your former companion is a whole different story." at hearing that Butt-Head's eyes went wide. "Uh, huh-huh, what are you like talking about?"

"He's talking about my older brother." Stewart spoke up. "After you smacked him with that baseball bat, Beavis needed a place to recover from his injuries. My Parents took him in and were pleasantly surprised at how much his demoenor had changed after you smacked him, he proved an excellent help around the house, well mannered, atlethic with outstanding grades in school, he has redeemed himself. My family has formally adopted him and thus he and I became brothers." At hearing that Butt-Head couldn't help but to laugh "Huh-huh-huh, that waiste of bumwipe became an even bigger wuss than I thought! Huh-huh-huh. Where is he anyway?"

"Well then Butt-Head, seeing as you have been out of it for two years, let me fill you in here." Coach Buzzcut hollored, while grabbing Butt-Head's arm and dragging him inside the school. "In addition what Stevenson has already told you, he and Beavis both joined the football team and trained really hard and honed their skills, Beavis even became team captain." Buzzcut laughed while shoving Butt-Heads face towards a framed picture of the football team from the prior season, sure enough, wearing the team captain jersey and looking way wider and muscular than Butt-Head could ever imagine him to be, was Beavis. "No way, huh-huh, that can't be Beavis." When the pep rally went underway a baffled Butt-Head sat down on the bleachers and watched the game but not really paying attentions, he saw Stewart tackling other guys, moving them away with ease. This no longer was the Stewart Stevenson he and Beavis used to bully. To keep his mind off of things he focussed on the cheerleaders but when he went "Uh-huh-huh. Hey Beavis do you think they..." he once again was reminded of that vacant spot next to him. With a sigh and an uneasy chuckle Butt-head decided to leave, go home, eat something and watch TV ...for all eternity.

It was then that faith smiled on him as a run down and rusty car stopped in front of him. "Hey man, are you new in town?" it was Todd. Butt-Head suddenly felt hopeful. "Uh-huh-huh, yeah, I just got released from prison." Todd eyed the 18 year old lanky, unkept, longhaired and scruffy kid: there was some potential here... With a smile he opened the door and threw him a pack of cigarettes. "Then why don't you come with me man, there's a party at Slay's." Butt-Head was feeling elated, Slay's place was the coolest place in town and Todd was inviting him over.

The following four years saw Butt-Head as a member of Todd's gang, being introduced to booze, violence and drugs. Butt-Head felt like a fish in water, this was like being fifteen again and pulling the stints he did with Beavis but in a much higher degree. Doing smack, shooting guns, breaking into peoples houses, THIS was the life. But there was one thing that he wasn't allowed to do: no sex, leave the chicks alone, the only condition here. Todd never did explain why, but Butt-Head didn't mind hanging out with all those cool people, doing such cool things and all those fights and wild parties were enough for him to NOT question Todd's rules. Butt-Head was arrested a few times but Todd was always there to get him out.

But it was on a certain morning that it all came crashing down, in the litteral sense. Butt-Head and Todd rear ended this fancy black SUV. "Why you little!" Todd fumed "Damage my car will you!" before jumping out, Butt-head right behind him. Time to teach that driver of the SUV a lesson. But then the door opened and this HUGE guy stepped out. "Take that rust speck off of my car right now and nothing will happen." the guy spoke. Butt-Head went cold inside, the pitch had changed but he knew that voice, in fact he knew it very well. "Uh-huh-huh, Beavis is that you?"

"I don't go by that name anymore, the name is Stevenson, Peter Stevenson. Who are you anyway?"

What happened next was a bit of a blur, Todd wanted to have a fight no matter what but was quickly knocked to the other side of the street. Butt-Head looked in Awe, Beavis just kicked Todd's ass, that simply was too cool. But then came the realisation that he could finally smack Beavis in the face and knocking some sense into him, finally an opportunity to get Beavis back. But while raising his arm up, Beavis quickly turned around and intercepted him. Butt-Head recieved a Knee to his solar plexus and toppled over. It was then that he saw that there were other people in the car, two kids and a woman, a good looking woman. Beavis then re-entered his car and drove off. Butt-Head couldn't believe what happened here: he finally found Beavis again and Beavis kicked Todd's ass and then he got his own ass kicked by Beavis who had a woman and kids in his car, probably his wife and children. He couldn't make up his mind about whether this was cool or not. "Hey man, are you okay?" Todd asked while helping him up. "Seems like you know this guy."

"Uh-huh-huh, yeah he... uh was like a warden in that jail I was in." Butt-Head replied, wondering why he covered up for Beavis. "We'd better avoid this buttknocker Todd, he's a mean son of a bitch."

That was now two years ago. Butt-Head later found out that Beavis had legally changed his name into Peter Stevenson, had joined the marines after graduation and had married the former head cheerleader. Butt-Head looked at the Baseball bat, and opened a beer, Todd already called him about a heist that was about to take place later tonight. Butt-Head rubbed his fat belly and sat down on the old worn out couch. Wondering who ended up with the cooler lifestyle?

- Butt-Head was a full fledged member of Todd's gang, he was alcoholic, did smack, there were a lot of cool parties, fights, Chicks (eventhough he still wasn't allowed to score with them).

- But Beavis was a former Football player, a marine, big and muscular enough to kick everybody's ass and he had a wife and two children which meant that he scored at least two times, maybe more.

Butt-head looked at the vacant spot and then looked at the Baseball bat, and in an instant the memory of seeing Beavis lying knocked out after recieving the blow made Butt-Head laugh again. It still was the coolest day of his life.

The end.