Warning: This Fic contains violence, coarse language, sexual suggestive themes, sexuality, transsexuality, female to male transexual, homosexuals, graphic sex, graphic violence, homophobia, transphobia.
Please do not read unless over eighteen.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Defying Gravity
As children we grow up impressionable. We act the way others do around us, we speak the way we are told, we behave in a manor deemed appropriate. Identity is everything, it is who we interact with, where we go, what we do and ultimately who we become. Unknowingly we become a product of our environment, then the labels are all you know, things like 'female' and 'male' become generic terms, things we hear daily, things as a child we don't really understand.
Growling, I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock as it pierced the silent morning. I groaned, rolling over, trying to ease the stiffness in my back. Fuck, why did I let Edward talk me into going to the gym yesterday? My phone buzzed, signaling a text message. Sighing deeply I stumbled out of bed, blindly reaching for the light switch to illuminate the darkness.
Nine-thirty the red numbers blinked.
Edward would be here in an hour. Looking into the mirror I told myself that today was the day. I am going to tell Edward about my transition from female to male. A thick lump formed in my throat when I thought about what his reaction might be. Clenching my fist I tried to believe that he'd be accepting, that the love of my life would say that he didn't care and he would be with me no matter what. However, I learned that the harsh reality of the situation was that Edward was completely gay. He loved men, dicks, balls and cum. And even if I had none of those things yet, it still didn't mean that I was any less a man than he was. Every day for two years I swore I'd tell him and every day for two years I chickened out at the last minute.
The truth of the matter was that Edward would never want me once he realized what I was.
Grabbing my toiletries I went into the bathroom to shower. It had snowed so much over the last couple of days that I worried he wouldn't make it here safely. Once I was done I went to the sink, lathered up my face and shaved. Washing out all of the hair in the sink I snatched my breast binder that hung over my towel rack. Sucking in a deep breath I tightened the straps, satisfied, I pulled on a gray V-neck long sleeve sweater and then I slipped on a pair of baggy blue jeans making sure the top of my Hugo Boss underwear, showed.
Looking at the time, I rush over to my night table and took out my 100% silicon flesh colored dildo packer and stuffed it into my underwear. It's soft, giving the illusion of a real cock and it's not as rigid as others made from different materials are. Silicone dicks warmed to body temperature, and can vary in their firmness; density and they are molded to feel more life-like. I rearranged it quickly before I ran downstairs to grab breakfast. I tensed when I saw my parents already there, Carlisle reading the paper, while Esme manned the waffle iron. Alice was already seated, helping herself to some waffles that my mom had laid out on the table.
"Morning," I mumbled as I took a seat beside Alice.
Carlisle offered me a small forced smile, whereas Esme ignored me completely.
"Hey," Alice said bouncing in her seat. "Edward, coming over?"
"Yup," I said, stacking up a few waffles. "We're going to have a Call of Duty marathon. Also some of the other guys might come over. It'll be a total sausage fest."
She wrinkles her nose. "Gross,"
I laughed. "Are you still going to Bella's?"
"Nah, she's coming here. You know she'd never pass up a chance to stalk Edward," She smirked.
"She always forgets that he's gayer than a three dollar bill and taken,"
"Yes, Edward and Jasper sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-,"
"Enough," Esme cut in. "I don't want to have talk like that at the table."
I snorted. "Talk like what?"
"Just stop it Jasper." She spit at me.
Rolling my eyes I dug into my food, mood already sullen because of her shitty attitude. I tried not to provoke her but no matter what I said she would always look at me with abhorrence. I managed to wolf down one waffle before the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," I said, although I knew my parents didn't care. Opening the door Edward strolled right past me, throwing his coat onto a chair in the foyer.
"So, I brought Call of Duty Black Ops 2, Grand Theft Auto 4 and Halo. Emmett will be here around noon and he's bringing three of his controllers, Mike and Tyler will grab the pizza. So, we have some time for a little fun," Hooking his arm around my waist he hummed, capturing my lips in a deep kiss. His fingers were ice cold as he gripped the skin under my shirt making me shiver. I blush when he pulled his hips flat against mine, a mischievous smile dancing on his lips. "Fuck, you are adorable."
Squirming out of his touch I try to keep a straight face. "Edward, my parents are in the next room,"
"Oh, yeah," He muttered. "Your asshole homophobic parents, fine, let's go down stairs baby, I've missed you so much."
I chuckled. "It's only been two days,"
"Two days of self-loving," He pouts and then leans close to my ear. "I need your mouth on my cock. I'm already so hard for you." Clutching his crotch to emphasize his point. Rolling my eyes I led the way to our finished basement, complete with a 60-inch flat screen TV, sound system, Pool table, Xbox Kinnct, Wii and PS3. The brown leather couch is just large enough to fit five hulking teenage boys. Edward shoves me down on it, cover my body with his and he easily slots between my legs. .
When we first got together during our junior year, it had been all about the shy kisses, sweet touches, longing glances from across the room. Now, two years later Edward is rutting his erection against my legs as his tongue darts quickly back and forth into my mouth, trying to devour my lips. Greedy hands gripped my shoulder blade, trailing up and down my chest, thankfully keeping the strokes above the waist. He breathed me in, catching my lips in a light kiss. I kissed him back and ran my tongue over his lower lip, our breath came in shorter pants and my hand started lagging lightly up his forearm. Edward wrapped his fingers around the base of my neck, trailing them over the base of my sensitive hairline. Wasting no time he cupped my jaw, angling my face away from him, sliding his tongue up my neck in an agonizingly slow drag. I reacted, pulling myself closer to Edward's body and sucking his tongue back in my mouth, I continued sucking on it as it moved in and out of his lips in a flawless, tempting rhythm.
"Mmh—you—" Edward whispered as I pulled back a little.
"What?" I breathed, leaving long, wet kisses across his smooth jaw and then biting the other his earlobe. Edward's hand tightened at my neck abruptly I inhaled the warm scent that was his skin, already feeling his dick begin to thicken beneath his jeans.
"I can't believe I've—lasted this long without you." He mumbled.
It's an out of body experience, when my leg hitched around his driving us closer. His fingertips clutched at my skin, I felt the air brush against my hip bone and we moved like one solid unit, with Edward I am soaring.
"God, I love you. I want you so badly," He moaned, increasing his jerky hip movements. Hot breath in my ear makes me dizzy; my fingers dig into back. Seizing his short cropped hair I crash his lips into mine. Being consumed by Edward is overwhelming and frightening. His passion is so intense; it engulfs me, setting fire to my veins.
I am lost to him.
However, when his hand cups my crotch I flinched violently away from him. My eyes flew open and I gripped his wrist so he can't go any further. Edward stared down at me, his face coiled in frustration. Finally he sighed, rolling off of me. We both pant wildly; the room was still spinning from our intense make out session.
"How long are we going to do this?" He asked, quietly.
My heart thundered in my chest. I know the right thing to do is to tell him that he can't touch me there. Not because I don't want him to or because I don't desire him, but because God fucked up when he made me a girl instead of a boy.
I stay silent, anxiously fiddling with my sleeve.
"I love you," He promises, when I look up at him I can see his eyes blazing with truth. "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable…But, how long do you expect me to wait? Fuck, all we've done are blow jobs and hand jobs, you won't even let me touch you!"
"I'm not ready," I blurt out.
"We have so much time to figure this stuff out but I need you to talk to me. What exactly aren't you ready for? The only way you are going to become comfortable with it is if we start to move forward, how about I look at it, but we don't have to touch each other. Or I can watch you jerk off-"
Abruptly I stand, my hands shaking with nervousness and irritation. Fuck, how do I tell him? For years I had felt like I was in the wrong body, like I was living somebody else's fucked up life. How do I tell him about Esme struggling to hold me down so that she could put my long dirty blonde hair into pigtails or braids; then forcing me to wear those God, awful clothes; frilly dresses and skirts that got stuck everywhere; tights that made my legs fucking itch; and shoes with heels that are impossible to run in.
Or about our constant arguments streaming deep into the night about why my dresses were cut and ripped to shreds, just days after she purchased them. Finally fed up she granted me permission to just wear pants, baggy shirts and tomboy hats. It's just a phase, she'd muttered to me and one day I'd grow out of it.
But I never did.
I could barely articulate that at the age of nine, after days of bemoaning and grounding me for weeks, she finally got me into a dress. I complained loudly that it was uncomfortable and I felt silly – like I was wearing a costume, she fixed me with a hard glare and I shut up. And soon after I stopped protesting, my cries of injustice turned silent because I could see that the dresses made my mother happy and I wanted her to be proud of me.
When I turned ten I found out boys were way more fun to play with than girls. They tackled, play sports, get dirty and don't fret over stupid things like hair and nail polish.
There was no way to express the hysteria of waking up one morning about a month after my twelfth birthday panicking because suddenly, as I stood naked in front of the mirror, all I could see was how so much has already happened. I knew it would keep happening. All at once this was real and it felt so, so wrong. I fucking hated what my body was turning into and because of that revulsion I felt inexplicably betrayed by it. All the other girls seem to be welcoming the changes. Even Esme is excited about the prospect of buying my first bra for me, but the thought of it was terrifying.
I never understood why I couldn't just be like everyone else.
I tried to tell my mother about it one morning over breakfast, but she told me it's normal to be a little scared about leaving my childhood and to just hang in there, it will get better. This didn't help me. Claustrophobic and trapped in my own body, like each day was a nightmare that I keep hoping to wake up from.
The stranger I saw reflected in the mirror every day wasn't me.
I could never disclose to Edward that when I finally did come out, Carlisle sat stoic, emotionless in the living room chair. While my mother sobbed into her handkerchief. The solution to this problem was therapy, because only they could interpret why their little girl wanted to be a boy. In their rich suburban country club world there was no room for flaws or imperfections. So when I was diagnosed with Gender Identity disorder and they were told that maybe they should look into hormonal therapy based on their assessment, Carlisle finally caved and decided to pay for male hormone therapy for me. When I was thirteen, I switched schools, Jasmine was changed to Jasper and I started high school officially as a boy.
So, when Edward looks at me; eyes wide, beseeching to tell the truth I know I can't. "Why are you pushing this?" I snapped.
"We've been together for two years! I want to be able to at least touch you," He barked.
"Well, if you're so horny why don't you find some twink to bury your cock into!" Instantly I regret the words as they leave my mouth.
"Is that what you really think?" Emerald eyes widened with indignation. "Christ, I want to fucking marry you, I don't give a shit about sex."
We stared at each other, both equally stubborn refusing to back down. The doorbell rings pulling us back to the real world. Edward's face softens and he stands to his feet.
"Just talk to me, baby," He implored. The bell chimes again this time with an insistent pounding. "Let your parent's get it,"
Holding his gaze for a few seconds I drop mine to the floor. "I have to get it," I mumbled, before turning away from him. I race up the stairs just as it rings a third time and opened the door for Emmett.
"Jesus," He cursed as he walks through the door with a bag of controllers. "If you guys were going to fuck today why didn't you just say so? I would have given you more time."
I laughed. "You know how much we like an audience."
"Yeah, yeah, you gays are always trying to turn the straight boys. Well, good thing I'm taken. Plus, I don't think you could handle me." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.
"I will during the game." I quipped.
"Bring it on, Whitlock," Emmett challenged.
Three hours, four boxes of pizza and a gallon of soda pop later the five of us are playing Call of Duty.
"What the fuck?" Mike screamed as he is shot to death. "You did that on purpose McCartney!"
"It's not my fault you can't shoot for shit, Newton,"
"Jasper, your controller is a piece of crap," He pouted.
"Don't blame the controller on your shitty aim-Fuck!" I bellowed when I blew up the enemies' camp site.
"My man," Edward smiles leaning over to peek me on the cheek.
"Eww," Tyler said. "Can you keep the gayness to a minimum? Some of us are trying to concentrate!"
"That's not what you were saying last night," I snarked.
We all burst out laughing, as he grumbles about how unfair the game is. Hours later, when the sun had set, the guys had yawn and stretch before grabbing their coats to go home.
"My mom is going to kill me," Tyler said as he looks at his wrist watch. "I was supposed to be home three hours ago,"
"Yeah, same," Mike agreed, as he threw his coat on. "Merry Christmas guys," They call as they exit through the front door.
"You riding with me, Eddie?" Emmett asked.
"Nah, I have my own car, Merry Christmas man," Edward said to him but his eyes never left mine. Snorting Emmett leaves, the silence in the foyer is defining. Vaguely I can hear the TV on in the living room so I know Carlisle is up.
"Come here," Edward finally says. Cupping both sides of my face he smiles, his bronze hair shining in the light. "I'm sorry,"
I blanched.
My mind screams at me tell to him he has nothing to be sorry for, I'm the one who lied. Ducking my head my eyes fall to the floor as the culpability makes me feel ashamed. "You didn't do anything wrong,"
"I pushed you, for that I apologize." He pressed our lips together in a languid kiss before breaking away. "I have to go,"
"No," I said hooking my finger into his belt loops. Growling Edward stole a few more sweet kisses, laughing when he leaned away and I chased his lips.
"I'll call you tonight,"
"Fine," I grumbled, watching him put on his coat, he left shortly after. Running upstairs to my room I jumped onto the computer and began to Google FTM top surgery. I really wanted to go Seattle to get my surgery done because it isn't offered here in Forks. I sighed when I read all the testimonials, health complications and costs. The downside of surgery were things like infection (most infections are readily treatable), bleeding (generally well controlled during surgery), fluid collection, bad scars (wide, lumpy or discoloured, for example) and healing problems (leading to unexpected scarring). Most plastic surgery involved two sides of the body and they are never totally identical with or without surgery. Sensation can be altered by surgery. For instance, loss of nipple sensation is a risk of many breast procedures. I didn't really care about the loss of sensation in my nipples because it wasn't a big deal.
I wanted the top surgery so that I could remove my breasts and create a more masculine appearing chest. Reading more of the testimonials my heart swelled as the people who had top surgery said that they were finally able to get on with their lives, now appearing the way they felt they should, they felt more confident.
That was what I wanted more than anything, to look how I felt I should.
Although, one problem was looming over my head, with Carlisle's background and notoriety as a good doctor this surgery wasn't covered on our insurance, it was treated like fucking cosmetic surgery; therefore the money would have to come from my parents. The total cost of top surgery was between $6,000 and $10,000, which includes all post-op care and minor revisions that may be needed in the first few years. Plus since I'm not eighteen I required the consent of both parents and two letters of recommendation from mental health care professionals.
Fuck, all of this just to become who I truly was?
I knew my therapist would sign hands down, but I'd need to talk to another one, get their assessment just so that they could sign off on it. Slumping in my chair I tried not to get too discouraged but everything seemed so daunting. If my parents refused to pay for it then I'd be stuck in this fucking body until I could afford it. Sighing I pulled my shirt off and looked down at my flesh colored breast binder. When Edward and I make love I want to be the man he desired, I want to be the one to fuck him. I had heard horror stories of FTM bottom surgery and decided that I wouldn't want to go through that, there were other ways to still fuck him.
Pulling the breast binder over my head I threw it on my dresser as I stripped down to my boxer shorts. Taking a baggy t-shirt from the clean laundry basket I crawled into bed. Tomorrow was a big day that I wasn't particularly looking forward to. All of my relatives were coming to visit for the Christmas holidays.
The thing I hated most about the Whitlock family was that half of them where southern republican's, while the other half were northern republican's. When I had come out they practically disowned my family. My grandfather never spoke to me again, while my grandmother was convinced that all I needed was Jesus Christ.
Aunts and Uncles were the absolute worst.
They made my life hell with all the gossip they spread like wild fire. No, I was definitely not looking forward to their visit. Every year it was the same thing, they'd bitch and moan about how they didn't understand how I could go against nature to be a boy. Most of the time I'd nod, pretend to be listening while grinding my teeth together. Being ostracized by cousins didn't help much either, that usually left me alone for the wolves to descend. Reaching over to my nightstand I fingered the dog tags Edward had given me last Christmas. It had our names on it with a very small, hardly visible inscription that read forever.
Seeing this always gave me courage; I know I'd need it for tomorrow. My phone buzzed and I picked it up quickly.
"Hey you," Edward said.
"Hi, baby,"
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just…."
"Oh, you're family coming over? Listen if you want me there I can get away-"
"No, Edward you missed Christmas last year because of my shitty family, you shouldn't have to do that again."
"Babe, why don't you just come to my house this year? I'm sure your homophobic family won't mind."
I sighed, Edward thought they were homophobic, he didn't really know the half of it.
"Might as well get it over with, I only see them twice a year,"
"Okay, well if you need me please call me."
I hummed non-committal.
"Jasper," He whined.
"I just don't want to have to depend on you every time they start riding my ass about being gay."
He sighed deeply.
"I want to be able to handle things on my own." I continued. "Anyway I should go baby, early day tomorrow."
"Alright," He muttered. "I love you,"
"Love you too,"
Then I hung up.
Things between us are so strained now, I know Edward is exasperated by our lack of a sex life but I just can't bring myself to tell him, at least not yet. Turning off the light I pull the covers over my head, waiting for sleep to find me. Most nights I am so overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing that I can't even succumb to darkness. There are so many people in the world that hate me for what I am, I couldn't imagine if Edward turned out to be one of them. Finally when, exhaustion weighed down too heavy I descended into slumber.
Floating; out of body, above earth and sea.
I am defying gravity.
0-0-0
The next morning I awoke to the alarm clock.
It was after nine so I decided to get dressed and ready for the day. Grabbing my dog tags I kissed them before I placed them around my neck. I would need a lot of courage to get through today. After I injected the needle of male hormones into my buttocks, I walked to the kitchen. I tensed when I saw Esme rushing around, putting the last minute preparations on the ample, stuffed turkey. The counter-top was a complete mess with dough, cake batter and various assortments of food, including potato salad, warm bread rolls, sizzling smoked ham and mashed sweet potatoes.
"There you are," Esme said as soon as she saw me, without greeting me good morning. "I need you to go to the store with your father to pick up some things for dinner," She shoved the piece of paper at me. "Make sure you get everything on the list, you know how your father likes to get side tracked."
"Sure, mom…" I said awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck. "Need any help before I go?"
"No, your sister will help out in the kitchen." She stated. Sighing I grabbed some cereal and ate breakfast in total silence. It was quarter to ten when Alice danced into the kitchen.
"Morning sweetheart," Esme greeted, with a big cheerful smile. "Would you like me to make you some breakfast?"
"No, thanks mom," She said pouring some milk into her cereal. "I'm good,"
"Okay, honey,"
"So," Alice smirked, sitting down in front of me. "Are you going to bring Edward tonight for dinner?"
"No, I don't want a repeat of last year." I muttered.
"Speaking of repeats," Esme said. "I want you guys to be on your best behavior for our family tonight….especially you, Jasper." She added harshly.
"Me?" I asked, astounded.
"Could you please attempt to be less….you and more…Like the person we raised you to be."
I snorted. "What the hell does that mean exactly?"
"Watch your tone," She growled. "Now, your grandfather and grandmother have agreed to come this year for Alice's sake. They don't want her to grow up not knowing who they are. All that I ask is that you keep your…thoughts about yourtransition to yourself." She spat the word like it was filth.
Despite my hard exterior I had to admit that those words stung.
"So, you want me to hide who I am?"
"No, I am simply asking that you be tolerant of other people's views. They are very old fashioned they don't understand these things,"
"These things…? This is what I am mother."
"Stop twisting my words," She demanded. "Everything I say you transform it into something transphobic or whatever it is you people call it."
"You people?" I asked incredulously. "You are so damn ignorant-"
"Jasper," Carlisle's stern voice said as he entered the kitchen. "Respect your mother and lower your voice."
My eyes darted between the two of them disbelievingly. I knew my mother had never accepted my transition but her blatant contempt and vicious ill will made me raging mad. However, now was not the time to point out her boorish behavior. Scoffing I threw my dishes into the sink before getting my coat from my room. Sending Edward a quick text I went back down stairs only to find my father waiting for me. Glaring at him I stalked out of the house towards the car.
The silence in the car just made me angrier. Why the fuck was I being punished for being who I truly was? The insanity was the world we live in, a world where gender defined who you are and what you could do regardless of qualifications.
Crippling acts of masculinity and femininity that somehow dictate what is considered the norm for how people could act. Once we got to the grocery store I jumped out of the car and we hurriedly shopped for everything on her list. I saw a few girls whispering and looking at me as we were in the soup aisle. I didn't shave this morning so I had a bit of stubble covering my jaw and neck. They giggled when I smiled at them. Turning around I looked at Carlisle only to find him observing me curiously. When we got to the car we loaded all the groceries and started driving home.
"Your mom is just struggling with this," Carlisle finally said.
"I've been trans for three years, how much more time does she need?"
"A lot more, you should give her a break every once in a while. She doesn't mean to be so harsh with you."
"That's crap we both know it. She's barely spoken to me since I've come out."
"Jasper-"
"And neither have you." I barked, soon all of that fury was back like a forceful tidal wave of fucking injustice.
"We are both trying to deal with this the best way we can-"
"I'm not a fucking problem," I spit. "I shouldn't have to be dealt with."
"Language," He said sending me a sideways glare. "We've done our best to deal with the situation, Jasper. Things don't always happen right away, they take time and in this case lots of time and acceptance."
"Whatever," I mumbled, crossing my arms willfully Checking my phone I saw that a few text messages had come through. Turns out Edward had left his games and controllers in my basement and he needed them to entertain his cousins. Glancing at the time I quickly texted him back saying that he could come over. When we pulled into the driveway I helped my Dad carry the bags into the kitchen, we unpacked them together as my mom and Alice were busy baking. We assisted them with cleaning up the kitchen, my mom barking orders at everyone to hurry up because people would be here in a few hours. As soon as the house was spotless and acceptable I run upstairs to take a shower before Edward comes over. Taking off my shirt I threw it in the dirty laundry basket, along with my baggy jeans. I placed my silicon flaccid cock on my dresser beside my breast binder.
Inside the bathroom I shower hastily not trying to think about all my Aunts and Uncles smug conservative faces when they see me. It was like I was some abnormal thing that needed to be fixed or taken care of. They never considered me an actual person. Stepping out of the shower I wrapped a woolen towel around my body, letting my hair air dry. As soon as I came back into the room my eyes locked with green ones.
Edward stood at the dresser holding the flaccid dildo in his hand.
In the flimsy towel my protruding breasts were very visible, along with my obvious girl physique. He blinked, eyes wide and disbelieving he dropped the dick like he had been scalded. I nearly choked as all the air rushed out of my lungs. Disgust and confusion twisted on his face as he continued to gawk at me.
"It's not what you think," I said forcing the words out.
Abruptly he lurched forward ripping the towel off of my body. Edward fumed his lip curling in revulsion as I stood completely naked in front of him.
"No, Jasper," He spat enraged. "It's exactly what I fucking think." Giving me one last look he stormed out of the room. Tears fell from my eyes and when my brain caught up with my body I scrambled to grab the towel to cover myself before chasing after him.
"Edward, fuck, wait!" I yelled. "Just let me explain!" but once I got into the hall I heard the front door slam shut. My knees gave out and I fell onto the floor, curling into a ball sobbing. Covering my mouth to muffle my cries, I tried to get a hold of myself but the look in his eyes, such pure abhorrence shattered my heart.
"Jasp-what?" Alice said coming up the stairs, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Come on, let's get you dressed." I clung to her bawling so hard I could barely think; my body trembled as she pushed clothes into my hands. Through a haze of tears I managed to get dressed and look presentable. "He found out didn't he?" She sighed, as we both sat on my bed. "Look Edward loves you, he'll be back you'll see."
"No Alice," I spat, sniffling. "You didn't see the fucking hate all over his face,"
"Shhhh," She hushed. "He'll be back," Wrapping her arms around my shoulders she held me as I cried. The air rushed out of my lungs as the comprehension of what just happened dawned on me. Edward saw me naked. He saw the body that wasn't meant for me. I wanted to scream in agony, punch the wall and beg him to come back. However, it was all for nothing because he was gone. My gut wrenched, and I bawled into her arms, clutching onto Alice for dear life. Edward had been my anchor, my reason for being and without him this world seemed so much more dismal.
0-0-0
Esme called Alice down to help set the table just when the doorbell rang signaling our guests. Giving me one last hug she hurried to go get dressed. Rubbing my eyes I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked like hell, face all red with my eyes swollen and it just made me want to break down all over again. Instead I stood up, straightened my festive green and red striped sweater and went down stairs.
The first to arrive were my Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Peter and their two obnoxious kids Amber and Mark. When I came into the living room they greeted me somberly, while they fawned over how beautiful Alice looked. Esme and Carlisle sat proudly together on the couch while they indulged her in compliments.
"God, your hair!" Charlotte gushed. "So hip, you know Amber wanted to grow her hair that length too,"
"Thanks, Jasper is the one who suggested I grow it." Alice said, trying to include me into the conversation. I smiled gratefully at her.
"Well…That's wonderful." She muttered sarcastically. "Esme, your house is exquisite! Do tell where did you get those drapes from? I got mine at this little store down the street…."
They got caught up talking about the furniture, drapes and whatever the fuck else middle aged women found exciting.
"Do you have any Bourbon lying around?" Uncle Peter asked, "I could use a drink. Let us men retire to your study room Carlisle and leave the women to their discussions," He chuckled.
I moved to follow.
"Jasper," Esme said sharply. "Why don't you go show the kids your new video game?"
"Fine," I said taking the kids with me downstairs. I showed them a race car game that wasn't too violent, sat them in front of the TV and let them play.
"My mommy says you're an ab-bom-ination!" Amber said struggling with the pronunciation of the word, as she held the controller awkwardly in her tiny hands.
Your mother is a cunt.
"Did she?" I said feigning interest.
"Yeah," Mark butted in. "My grandpa says that you're unnatural and should be killed, just like the rest of them,"
"Do you know," I said as calmly as possible. "What happens to ill-mannered boys and girls who talk about things they don't understand? They get eaten in their sleep!"
They both flinched, throwing the controllers onto the ground and sprinted up stairs. I knew I was going to get in shit for that but I didn't care. I hated when parent's pushed their fucking narrow-minded views onto their children, like they can't think for themselves. Grinding my teeth together I tried to keep my emotions at bay but not even taking deep calm breaths could sedate me.
This is what it felt to be totally alone.
Nobody fucking cared what I was feeling or how my insides were being torn apart bit by bit every time they excommunicated and exiled me for being nothing short of myself. I heard the doorbell ring and I threw myself onto the couch, palming my face. I didn't think I could take any more of their snarky comments, but my parent's dismissal was the worst. A few tears fell from my eyes and I swatted at them angrily. It was like they were beckoning me to trust them and when I finally did they let me down.
Curling my hand into a fist, my heart exploded in my chest and I broke down hard. Sobbing into my hands I cried. Mostly for the little girl I couldn't be, for Edward, and for the acceptance that was too far out of my reach. After a few moments of hyperventilating I managed to pull myself together. Smoothing the wrinkles out of my shirt I stood, trying to draw courage from somewhere deep to get through the evening. Standing I turned around only to find Carlisle at the bottom of the stairs.
I wondered how long he had been watching me. We stared at each other before he finally broke the silence.
"Everyone's here so it's time to eat." He said, awkwardly shuffling his feet, he looked like he wanted to say something else but stopped himself.
Nodding I followed him back upstairs, brushing away the residual tears. The dinner table was set beautifully, a big stuffed turkey sat as the centerpiece as various foods were placed around it. My grandfather Anthony sat at the head of the table and grandmother Elizabeth at his side. While my mother's three sisters, Aunt Kate, Tanya and Irene occupied the seats beside Alice. Uncle Garrett and Aunt Michelle sat beside Charlotte and Peter, with their kids in between them. The rest of my cousins busied themselves talking with each other but they all stopped when Carlisle and I entered the room. They barely acknowledged me when I sat down. Grandpa stood to make a toast.
"Well, look at how everyone has grown. I just want to say a few words before we eat all this wonderful food Esme has prepared. First off, let us thank the lord for us all coming safely together over the Christmas holidays and the people said, Amen," They all echoed Amen.
I rolled my eyes.
The food was passed around quickly and I ate quietly as they chatted to themselves.
"Could you pass the mashed potatoes Jasmine?" Aunt Kate asked.
Ignoring her I continued eating my food. They all fucking knew I didn't respond to Jasmine anymore, I had explicitly told them to call me Jasper. Everyone stilled to watch what was going to happen next.
"Jasper," Esme said, politely, although there was an edge of irritation to her tone. "Pass your Aunt some food."
"Sure," I said without look at either of them. "As soon as she addresses me by my proper name,"
"I did," Aunt Kate said rudely. "Your birth name is Jasmine so that is what I am going to call you,"
I snorted. "Well then I guess you can get up and come get the mashed potatoes because I'm not passing them to you."
"See, this is what happens when you let children become defiant," Charlotte muttered to Peter.
"Jasper, pass your Aunt some food." Carlisle said tiredly.
"Carlisle," Grandfather chastised, "You cannot encourage this insanity. Call her by her given name,"
"My given name is Jasper-"
"Do it now," Carlisle snarled.
Begrudgingly I picked up the bowl, passing it to Aunt Kate as she smiled smugly.
"So, Jasmine," Tanya said. "Alice said you have a boyfriend…?"
"Yes, I am gay," I muttered.
"See, that's what I don't understand. If you're a girl then having a boyfriend it's normal right?" Aunt Charlotte injected. I glared at both of them.
"You need to take her back to church, get the bible back into this house," Grandpa said loudly. "The devil is the master of this earth he will do anything to try to bring our children into the gates of hell. Well, I'm not giving up on Jasmine. If you let her come live with us we can put the fear of god back into her,"
I scoffed. "You people are all the same, spouting the holier than thou shit. People like you always seem to forget that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, murders, and thieves the lowest of the low. Not stuck up ass-"
"Enough," Carlisle bellowed. "You will hold your tongue, Jasper."
I stared at him astounded. They wanted me to sit there and smile while he literally attacked everything I stood for, everything that I am. Suddenly I wasn't very hungry, so I pushed my plate away and left the table. Sprinting to my room I quickly packed a bag with all the stuff I would need to last me a few days. Throwing my coat on, I snatched my keys and stormed down the stairs with a duffle bag in hand.
"Where do you think you're going?" Esme said, as she caught me in the foyer.
"Out," I barked, pulling on my black timberland shoes.
"Stop embarrassing us like this!" She hissed, trying to keep her voice under control.
"You're an embarrassment to me!" I snapped. "They are tearing me apart in there and you expect me to just sit there and take it? What kind of a mother are you!? Why can't you defend me for once?"
"Stop, we are not having this conversation right now."
"Damn right we aren't," I said marching out the front door. Jumping into the car I rev'd up the engine and drove to the one place I knew would accept me not matter what. Parking in the driveway I approached the small cozy house of the Cullen's. Knocking on the door I waited anxiously, wringing my hands together. It was freezing out, fresh snow still falling from the sky, although it looked beautiful, inside I felt as cold as ice.
"Jasper…?" Mr. Cullen said. "Come in son,"
"Who is it Gale?" Mrs. Cullen called from the kitchen.
"It's Jasper," He said back, ushering me inside the warm house. Re-adjusting the strap on my duffle bag I smiled weakly at them.
"Oh," Mrs. Cullen gasped. "Jasper, it's late. What are you doing here?" We shared a look before realization dawned on her. "Your parent's again? Hmm, well you can stay of course. Edward is in his room"
I thanked them graciously before following the familiar route up to Edward's bedroom. For years since I came out I had been coming to his house when I couldn't handle my parent's anymore. My heart slammed in my chest when I reached the door. I knew Edward was furious with me, but I needed him so badly. Quietly I knocked on the door, sighing when I heard shuffling around before it opened. His eyes widened when he saw me and quickly his face transformed into a deep scowl. Looking at my duffle bag, then back at me he nodded slowly and let me into his bedroom. Making myself at home I sat on his bed and toed off my shoes, while Edward watched from the other side of the room at his computer desk.
With quivering hands I took off my jacket and sat facing him. Opening my mouth I wanted to say that I was sorry and that I hoped he'd forgive me, but no words came out. Burning tears fought their way out of my eyes and I couldn't stand the silence between us.
"Say something," I said abruptly and he glared at me. Fisting my hair I bit down hard on my bottom lip as the tears broke free sliding down my face. Shaking with sobs I hunched over so that he wouldn't see how tormented I was or the gut wrenching pain that I'm in. Precipitously I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder. "I'm so-sorry," I bawled.
"Shhh," He said quietly. "You know how much I hate it when you cry,"
I sniffed loudly, swatting at the tears.
"Why did you lie?" He asked softly.
"Because I was afraid you wouldn't accept me,"
"Jasper," He sighed. "I will always accept you no matter what. Here," Reaching over to his dresser he pulled out a small dark blue velvet box wrapped nicely with a silk satin bow. "Open it,"
Taking it from him I untied the ribbon and then opened it. Nestled inside the rich delicate padding were two silver rings.
"They're promise rings," Edward muttered. "I got those months ago and I wanted to give them to you on New Year's Eve."
"Edward…"
"Stupid I know," He said snatching them back. "Now that I look at them I feel more and more like an idiot."
"No," I said shaking my head vehemently. "You aren't I'm the one who lied! I should have told you the first day we met,"
"Yeah, you should have,"
"I was just so scared-"
"Christ!" he barked, standing up. "All those times we were making out, you always made me think it was my fault that we never took our relationship to the next level!"
"I'm sorry! I just… I wasn't comfortable with that part of my body….I'm a guy born with female parts…I hate the way I look down there…It's wrong," I explained and when he didn't respond I looked at his face. "Edward, I love you and….I need to know…If can you accept me for who I am,"
"Of course," He reassured hastily grabbing my hands he sat back down beside me. "I'll accept you no matter what. It's just…A little overwhelming right now."
"That's okay. Don't be afraid to ask me any questions," I said.
"Alright, well my first obvious question is when did you know?"
I snorted. "When I was nine, Esme kept trying to dress me up in dresses and girly shoes but I would hide from her all the time. Then after fighting with me for so long she finally gave up and let me wear whatever I wanted."
"Who else knows?"
"Just my family, now you,"
"When did you start the transition?"
I smiled. "Um, fourteen was when I started the hormonal treatment so right before I started high school I told my parents that I wanted to legally change my name to Jasper."
He nodded because he had seen it on my driver's license.
"I know this is a lot, but it doesn't…" I desperately tightened my grip on his hand. "This doesn't have to change anything between us. I'm still the person I was before…You just know more…"
Pensively he stared blankly at the carpet. As the silence grew, I felt my nerves come back in full force. My heart pounded against my chest, as my worst fears were suddenly becoming true.
Edward didn't want me anymore.
The realization felt like ton of bricks hitting me all at once in the chest. My eyes welled up again, as the hope I'd had earlier was crushed into nothing.
"I don't think so," He said barely audible.
"No," I shook my head, tears falling faster than I could stop them. "Please, don't Edward you're all I have left-"
"I'm not all you have left." He gripped my chin forcefully so that I had to look into his deep green eyes. "You have a lot of people who would accept you for who you are."
"Jasper, I'm gay and I know you're a man…But you aren't a man, at least not yet. I'd wait for you, God I'd wait for you," He promised. "However, even if you did become one there's just no guarantee that I'll still-"
"I understand," I said brusquely, dropping his hand from mine I shuffled away from him, creating some physical distance between us.
"That doesn't mean I love you any less," he added quickly.
"That's fine." I dismissed, swiping at the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. "Look, I'm really tired. Do you mind if we just call it a night?"
"Uh-what?" He stuttered. "Yeah, sure,"
I took off my long sleeve t-shirt, ignoring his eyes on me and curled up on his bed under the covers. Edward turned off the lights before climbing into to bed with me. I relaxed when his arms circled around my waist, his deep breath in my ear.
"I'm sorry," He said.
"Yeah...Me too,"
Before it was barely dawn I crept out of Edward's room.
I had left the dog tags that he had given me the year before on his dresser. Being caught in his embrace right now was just too painful. Sighing I drove to the nearby park, stepped out of my car and laid down on the roof.
Snowflakes fell from the sky almost as if they had a life of their own they swayed and danced freely. Hugging my coat closer to my body I watched the sun rise slowly. The clouds still hovered around making the park look more ominous than it seemed. Closing my eyes I imagined my life, full of love and beauty if I had just been born properly. Carlisle taking me to baseball games, we'd talk about sports and he'd show me how to tie a tie properly and get ready for a date with a handsome young man.
I stayed out there until my fingers were numb.
I stayed out there because if I didn't the images would soon evaporate.
Then I'd be back to deal with the pain and suffering that is reality.
Weary-eyed, with an extremely dry throat I finally made my way home. It was still early in the morning so when I came back the house was completely silent. I snuck into my room glad that all the relatives were gone and we'd be back to some semblance of normalcy.
Once I'm in bed, deep under the covers I remind myself to breathe.
Just breathe.
0-0-0
The rest of the holidays were spent in a haze of wordless arguments with my parents.
They were upset with the way I behaved at Christmas but I could not have cared less. Parents are supposed to be the ones to protect and watch over their kids. I was the fucking victim and yet they continually dismissed their prejudices. Going back to school was way harder than expected. I thought that by now everyone had gotten the news that Edward and I had split up. On the first day back Emmett patted me on the shoulder offering a small smile.
"You okay, man?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm alright." I answered tightly.
"You know, out of all the couples here I thought you guys would be the ones to make it."
"Emmett, please-"
"Whatever the problem is just fix it, I've never see Edward happier than when he is with you."
"Something's just aren't meant to be," I mumbled. "So, how was your break?"
He observed me. "It was shit. I got a call at fucking three am from Edward asking where you were. Then he spent the whole break at my house getting drunk and bitching about how much he loved you and how he wished it was enough."
Pinching my nose with my index fingers I sighed tiredly. "Let's just drop it,"
"Fine," He muttered. "I got to get to class anyway. See ya," He stormed down the hall toward's his classroom. At around lunch time I got my food and was about to walk to my regular table when I saw Edward sitting there. Awkwardly I approached the table; Mike, Tyler, Emmett and Eric were all sitting around making jokes.
"Where ya been Whitlock?" Mike said cheerfully. I guess they didn't know about the break up.
"Nowhere man," I said as I sat down. "How was your break?"
They all started talking excitedly at once. I tried to listen to them all but I was too focused on the conscious effort it took to not look at Edward. Unable to stop myself I glanced up at him only to see him staring at me intensely. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his skin was pasty pale, he looked like I felt. Suddenly his hand reached across the table and grasped mine. My heart lurched when he smiled softly at me.
We were going to be okay.
A few days later Edward came by my house with a dozen roses in his hand. I blushed when I answered the door.
"I want to try," He said. "For you I'll try baby,"
Wrapping my arms around his neck I hugged him close. When I finally let go I led him back up to my room so that we could talk. He admitted that he was little uncomfortable with the fact that I wore a fake flaccid dick every day to school. I shared my constant fear of his rejection and insecurities of not being man enough for him.
With constant reassurance that he would try and make an effort to be more open minded and understanding, we ended up falling back into old routines. I was elated to have my boyfriend back. As the weeks went by, when our heavy petting turned more primal Edward started to get curious about what was underneath the breast binder.
On this particular night, our lips crashed together with urgency as we fumbled with our clothing, Edward's hands ran up down my flat chest. Lying on my bed I clutched at his wide shoulders trying to devour his luscious ample lips. Edward always tasted so good, like a mixture of sweat and honey. Tearing off his shirt I felt his biceps flex under my hand and I moaned loudly.
"Shhh," he laughed. "Your parents are home,"
"So?" I gasped, when his large hands clutched my hips. "I want them to hear me."
He chuckled. "Kinky,"
I shivered when his wet tongue traced the shell of my ear. "Jasper, I want to see you,"
Panicking I flinched away from him.
"What?" He asked, hovering over me.
"I'm just…" I squirmed underneath his gaze. "You won't like it, it's not normal and I don't like my…"
"Pussy?" He offered, smiling. "Cunt? Twat? That is who you are, for now at least."
"Well, I just…I don't feel comfortable…"
"Look," He said playing with a few strands of my blonde hair. "I love you no matter what. I will give myself to you totally and completely so you have to promise to do the same."
Biting down on my lip I thought about what he was asking. Sighing with trembling hands I began to take off the breast binder. Edward stared openly when I was finally on display, my small breasts, perky nipples erect, only the dog tags hung between them. Smiling down at me he licked his lips.
"Beautiful,"
I moved to cover them up with my hands but he stopped me, grabbing my wrists. Leisurely he leaned down, pressed his head against my chest listening to my heart beat. "Exquisite," He mumbled.
I laughed, because inside I'm floating, soaring.
I'm defying Gravity.
A/N: Firstly, I am NOT an expert on FTM gay relationships so please forgive any errors just PM me and I will do my best to correct them.
Secondly, a BIG thanks to Beanothercullen for being the best fucking beta ever with helping me research and finding documentaries on gay FTM! Thanks so much! Another shout out goes to Elfprincess for the wonderful feedback provided! Without them this story wouldn't have been accomplished. So this story is probably going to be only four chapters long. I wanted it to be a one-shot but it was way too long:s Let me know what you guys think!
Should I continue?