But it was supposed to be. That was supposed to be me - destroyed, in a booth, at a random Denny's in Lima. That wasn't supposed to be her.
Small world. The one day I come back "home", she's here. I assumed she'd be in New York by now. She's had 8 years to kill since I last saw her.
And for some reason, I can't not speak to her. She looks pitiful. I'm not saying that to be a complete asshole, it's just true. There used to be a sort of sparkle in her insanely wide brown eyes, but there's no trace of a sparkle now. It's been replaced and covered up with this little thing called disappointed. The Rachel Berry I knew wouldn't be disappointed so easily. And maybe it was her doe eyes that made me want to reintroduce myself, or maybe it was just pure pity, but I did it anyway.
I stroll over to the booth, trying to look as casual as possible. I'm not completely sure she'll remember me. I'm not exactly a big part of her high school career. I was just someone who rejected her invitation to the junior prom. If anything, I'm expecting more disappointment when I get there. If I were in her position, I'd be hoping for Finn or even Puck to be my knight in shining armor. Why the hell would Rachel Berry want Sam who lived in a hotel- "Hi." I exclaim, hushing my mind for a split second. "I'm... um... I know... Y-y-you know me. Sam Evans. Yeah. That's my name." I inhale and awkwardly shift my weight back and forth. Words had never been my strong suit.
Much to my surprise, she doesn't look too disappointed. She looked kind of... delighted? Her doe-eyed gaze switched from completely and utter unattachment to showing a bit of that Rachel Berry sparkle I used to know. "Hi! I know you." She chuckles. I'm not sure if she's being sincere or not, but I assume it's at least the tiniest bit sincere. "We were in New Directions together." I sincerely see a bit of a sweet sadness in her eyes, but I pretend to ignore it. It's none of my business. "Would you like to sit down?"
I try to speak, but I'm not willing to embarrass myself twice in a row. Even at 25, I still have the awkward charm of my 16 year old self. Even after lecturing students daily, even at the most prestigious colleges, I still can't speak in front of Rachel Berry. So I just nod and scoot into the booth across from her.
"How have you been?" She smiled. I always hated small talk, but I responded anyway.
"Really good, actually." I immediatly regret saying really before 'good', considering she's in Lima. And now that I think about it, she looks different in general. She's not fat, but she definitely hasn't been as obsessive when it comes to her weight, and you can tell. She actually has some cleavage to show in her argyle sweater, and after noticing it, I can't help but look at it for a few seconds. I'm as hormonal as I was at 16 too, apparently.
"That's good!" She feigns excitement for me, but I see her look down. I can't exactly judge her. I was looking down too.
Oh, right. "And yourself?" I look back at her face and ignore her boobs for a second. She has to be at least a C now. I think. I never really investigated bra sizes, but they've gotten bigger, and too big to be all from Victoria's Secret, but too small to be a boob job. I think a C or over is reasonable.
"Um..." She feigns some laughter, and suddenly, I feel bad for asking. "Well. I'm here."
"Not exactly the plan?" I investigate. I swallow, and feel a slight sting of regret, but mostly, just curiousity. And you know what they say. Curiousity killed the cat.
There's no more fake laughter. Just those huge eyes filled with regret once again, when the waitress conviently made her way over.
"A meatlovers scramble and a Pepsi." I shove the menu back to the waitress, expecting a speech from Rachel about ordering meat, but I was very wrong apparently.
"One patty melt. Can I have season fries with that? Mhmm, okay, and a Dr. Pepper." She nods in satisfaction with her order and politely hands the menu back to waitress. The waitress nods and goes back on her way.
I cock my eyebrow. "I thought you were a vegan?" I sort of smirked, "I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but that'd mean you can't eat the melt or the patty, and all you'd have left is bread and onions..."
Rachel shakes her head, "No. I gave that up a while ago." She lightly chuckles. I don't know if she expected the subject to end there, but she looks up at me and decides to continue. "After... um... I did it for my career, not really the animals. And my career is nonexistant, so I decided I deserve to eat some meat, you know?" She chuckles again, but it sounds like she's about to cry. This should make me want to stop. Should.
"What happened to you, Rachel?" I peer in closer to her, but I think I know the answer.
"New York." Exactly what I had expected.
"Go on."
She doesn't want to. Every fiber of her being doesn't want to. But every fiber of my being refuses to let this go unanswered. "What happened with everyone?" I continue my unwanted rant, "What about Kurt and Finn?" I start moving my hand around, expecting her to interrupt me and take charge like she used to, but she just sat there, completely solemn. "Where are they? Where are you?"
"I'm here." I'm not going to let her fake a chuckle this time.
"No, you're not." I look her straight in the eye and shake my head, "You wouldn't be here if you were." I think for a brief second, "I mean, yeah, that doesn't really make sense but you know what I mean."
Her eyes begin to water, but she ignores that last statement. I guess she had a right to. I didn't have a right to say the things I said. I didn't know her back then and I don't know her now. But I feel like I did. And I feel like I do. "Kurt's in an off-Broadway production of Rent. He Facebooks me about it all the time, even though he's like part of the backup ensemble." She smiles. I think it's half genuine. Sure, she's happy for him, but she was always the best and she knows it. "And Finn..." Her voice cracks when she says his name. Her chin sort of quivers, "He's... um..."
I interrupt her. I can't look at her like that. "You don't have to answer that."
She ignores me again. I don't know why, but she does. "He's in Cincinnati. With Quinn." The waitress placed our drinks on the table right then. I thought she was done, and I actually respected that, but she wasn't. "We were engaged. Me and Finn, you know? We... I... I got pregnant. And he wanted to do the right thing and marry me, but... um... we... I.. I had a miscarriage three months into the pregnancy."
I felt awful now. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I just-"
"Don't. I need to talk about it." She states sternly, and I slouch back into my seat. "He wanted a family, I guess. And Quinn can obviously have a baby." She laughed sarcastically, but I saw the pain there. Anyone could see it. Without thinking, I reached out for her hand.
"What an asshole." I muttered, but she shook her head.
"He didn't deserve that. I was just a failure with a big nose, who's not good enough for Broadway and too ugly for TV." She laughs sarcastically again. I never thought Rachel to be sarcastic, but I guess all that would change a person.
"If you take out the ugly thing, you might be right." She looked up at me with shock and a bit of disgust mixed into her face, "I mean, no one wants to watch someone who's obviously given up." I shrugged. "But people do want a sob story."
"Gee, thanks." She laughed, wiping off the almost-tears on nher face.
"Anytime."
We both had a much more casual conversation, when the waitress finally brought our food over. We dug in. I occasionally stole some of her fries and she occasionally stole some of my hashbrowns. I guess we haven't matured just yet.
"You know," I said, my mouth filled with bacon, "I think you should leave your dads alone. You're living with them, right?" I look up for a brief second to see her nod. "I know a playwright who owes me. She might not lead you to a big break, but you'll probably get enough money for a cramped apartment or something." I didn't really know what I was saying, but I just sort of cared. I didn't want to see this kid become a Lima loser.
Even if I didn't help her at all, the beam that took up her face made it worth while. "And what about you, Sam?" She grinned, and maybe it's the boob thing, but I have no idea how I ever found her to be plain. She's simply adorable and sexy at the same time.
That sounds too cliche to be real.
"What about me?"
"Where are you going after this? Are you staying in Lima?"
"No... why?" I just wanted to know where this was going. Even at my young age, I knew where I stood. I was pretty well known across the US for my entertaining teaching strategies and what not. If Rachel wanted me to go to New York with her, I would.
And I barely know her. This is really too cliche. She doesn't want me. I never wanted her. Just because she was willing to open up to me like that doesn't mean she wants to bang me, or wants to tell me anything else, or wants to listen to me quote N'Avi all day.
"I just... I don't want to have to wait 8 years to see you again." She looks me straight in the eye, and I see that twinkle of hope in her eyes. I knew it. Rachel was back. And maybe I helped her get it there.
"Well." I smile, completely uncontrollably. In fact, I don't really know why at this point, I just know that I don't mind it. "If you promise me that you'll get the hell out of Lima, I can pull some strings, and just maybe end up in New York. Just maybe."
I didn't know smiles could get past your pupils, but I swear, Rachel's just did. "Then maybe I'll see you there."
"And maybe, we can sit together in a cramped seat in coach. Just a possibility."
"I'd be up for it."
And that's when I know we both have hope twinkling in our eyes. Maybe I won't see Rachel for another decade. But I'm hoping we will.
sasfkjjasfkjsdf. I don't know how I feel about this thing. It was definitely better in my head. But review dudes!