The Worst Fanfic Ever: Professor Oak Almost Gets

by TheOneAndOnlyLysandre

Upon waking up from a dream, Professor Oak comes to the shocking realization that he is no longer asleep. Using this newfound knowledge, Professor Oak decides to break his restraining order and invade Pallet Town to free it from its lack of sexiness.

The Worst Fanfic Ever: Professor Oak (almost) Gets Laid

by JeanLuc Pika-Q AKA Marx

Yeah. I guess I should explain myself.

It's 1 AM. That means that this happened yesterday. I pinged Hen and she explains that she's feeling sick from heat exhaustion at camp, which I relate too because I was near fainting from the same thing at a different camp about a month ago. So after arguing over whose camp was hottest (not sexiest, the highest temperature) I go on a rant about this series of Pokemon books I hate called Pathways to Adventure. I read her these parts of the books I found online:

"It was the beginning of another beautiful day in New Bark
Town. The sun was just rising over the sleepy town when, in
the midst of a dream, Professor Oak was awakened.
"Wha…? You woke me up!" he cried. After determining
what time it was, he got ready to go to his lab."

[7/27/2010 8:03:42 PM] Marx: "Upon accepting the Poké Ball, Taylor was given the
opportunity to give his new Pokémon partner a nickname.
After careful consideration, he decided to name his very
first Pokémon FireFriend."

[7/27/2010 8:04:33 PM] Marx: "The battle began with FireFriend using its mighty Tackle
attack. The enemy Rattata retaliated by launching a powerpacked
Tail Whip. When FireFriend used another
of its Tackle attacks, the Rattata's HP (Hit
Points) dropped considerably. By the
fourth consecutive Tackle attack,
FireFriend had easily defeated the
wild Rattata, giving FireFriend 32
experience points! "Awesome!"
thought Taylor as he congratulated
his Pokémon partner."

...and then I talk about how stupid it is and parody it.

[7/27/2010 8:07:49 PM] Marx: "Oak was dreaming. Oak woke up. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP, BITCH" Oak said to himself. Oak took off his underwear and took the Batmobile to the supermarket."

And... she liked it. She laughed. So since I have nothing else to do and she's sick, I decide to entertain her by... uh... writing the worst possible fanfiction ever to rival Pathways. It is full of grammatical errors, technical errors, spelling errors, and LOTS of moral errors, but she kept wanting to hear more for three hours so it became a full story. Annnnd now she wants me to post it on HF and here. Don't blame me for any brain damage.

---

Oak was dreaming. Oak woke up. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP, BITCH" Oak said to himself. Oak took off his underwear and took the Batmobile to the supermarket.

Along the way, Oak met a little boy. "I want to be a Pokemon Trainer," the little boy said. "You have red hair. I will call you FireFriend," Oak replied. "Where the hell are you taking me MOMMYYYYYYYYYYY" FireFriend cried. "Let's start our Pokemon journey," Oak said, stuffing FireFriend into his van. FireFriend tried to resist, but soon he was caught like a good little Pokemon. "I love catching new Pokemon Partners," Oak said, driving away.

Once at the Supermarket, Professor Oak tried letting FireFriend out of his Pokeball to follow behind him. Professor Oak didn't have enough badges to make FireFriend like him, so FireFriend didn't come back when Oak told him too. Oak released his rare Pokemon Rattata and released a bone-crushing Growl on FireFriend. Oak put FireFriend back in the car and locked the door, learning from his mistake like a good Pokemon trainer. "The AC is broke, so you will have to cool yourself off with your own breathing," Oak explained with his wisdom of being an old person. Oak walked through the door and released his Lapras, choosing to surf across the floor to save the carts for people who didn't have a Lapras that knew Surf.

Oak looked at his shopping list and couldn't read it without his glasses. He would have gone back to the van to get his glasses but he remembered that it was hot as hell outside and they would just be melted glass which is not good to wear on his eyeballs. Thankfully, Oak remembered he was wearing contacts and was not blind as a Zubat. "Phew", Professor Oak said with his tongue of knowledge, "since I'm wearing contacts I am not blind as a Zubat." Oak looked at item number one. "Get five pounds of Farfetch'd from the deli.

Oak walked to the deli and requested five pounds of Farfetch'd, but the Jynx at the desk said that they were all out of Farfetch'd for Professor Oak to buy. Professor Oak realized that he would have to use his smart brain of intelligence, a rare move that only college graduates over level 69 get. Oak rode his Lapras up and down every aisle looking for what he needed. The Lapras left behind a slime that made a bunch of people slip and break their femurs and livers. The mean people tried to stand up but couldn't so they said mean words at Oak like "Poppycock". But Oak was smart enough to ignore their un called for insults and find his goal. Finally, in the condom aisle Professor Oak found a trainer holding a Farfetch'd.

"Hello, smart man purchasing protection," Oak said, straightening his contacts intellectually. "I am a fellow smart man and I would like to borrow your Farfetch'd to take a photograph. Farfetch'ds are rare and yours is fat and juicy and delicious." The man was deaf so he didn't hear Professor Oak but he was also crippled so he couldn't chase Professor Oak when he grabbed the yummy Pokemon and ran. Oak was so smart, he could feel it. "I am so smart, I can feel it," Oak said.

Professor Oak approached the deli desk again. "I'm sorry," the Jynx said in sign language since Jynxes can't talk and Professor Oak reads sign language, "We can't slice a live Pokemon without a pass." Oak went to the customer service desk to get a pass and when he returned the lights in the deli had gone out. "I'm sorry, we are closed," Jynx said. Professor Oak frowned and pondered this for a moment. After a moment of pondering, Professor Oak decided he could live with Jynx for dinner. Professor Oak bagged his order and rode his lapras out the door. There was little crowd blocking his exit since they all broke their femurs and livers. "Liver never tasted good anyway," Oak said to himself, putting his bag in the trunk. Whatever was in the trunk was screaming for mercy in sign language but Professor Oak's hearing aid was acting up so he couldn't hear it.

Professor Oak climbed in the drivers seat and felt something wet up against his savory tush. He looked town and found a puddle of sweat where FireFriend used to be. He looked in the back and saw his Pokemon Partner passed out. "Silly Cyndaquil," Oak said, shaking his intellectual brain, "you shouldn't use Water Gun in a car." Oak tried to start his car but it wouldn't start. "Oh dear," Oak said to himself, "my car will not start."

Oak decided now called for an emergency meeting. He got Jynxmeat out of the trunk and used her Ice Beam attack to wake up and cool down FireFriend. Once FireFriend was breathing he kindly asked for advice. "Alright bitches," Oak said, "give me advice." Jynxmeat tried sign language but she accidentally did Ice Beam since she had just done Ice Beam so she froze her hands together. FireFriend said something about "Let me go or I will have you thrown in jail old pervert" but unfortunately that wasn't very useful so he switched places with Jynxmeat and got in the trunk.

Professor Oak finally found the problem, and the problem that he found was that the engine was on fire and that was causing a problem. "Oh," Professor Oak said, "so THAT'S where the problem is coming from." Professor Oak pushed Jynxmeat out of the car and told her to use Ice Beam. She was all out of ice, though, which was sad. So Professor Oak picked her up and smacked the engine with her until the engine exploded. The explosion stopped the fire so he was very happy. "My Pokemon Partners are so useful," Oak said to himself. Oak tried to start the car but it wouldn't start because there was no engine. "Oh darn, I forgot, there ain't an engine" Oak said. Professor Oak jumped up and down and soon a Pokemon Ranger came by. "Are you needing help, sir?" the ranger asked.

"I broke my engine," Professor Oak said sadly. The Ranger lifted the hood and looked with a confused look. "I do not see an engine," the Ranger said, confused. "That's because I broke it, bitch," Oak kindly explained. The Ranger is confused. The Ranger hurt himself in his confusion! Professor Oak poked the ranger... but nothing happened. "I should help him," Oak said. Oak reached for a Revive in his pocket but he didn't have any. So he reached for a Max Potion but he didn't have that either. So he reached for a Full Restore... and he didn't have that either, but he did find his sunscreen! Professor Oak used the sunscreen on the ranger. It wasn't very effective. "At least he has a tan now," Oak said. Oak took a moment to remember what he should do and remembered the spare engine in the trunk.

Professor Oak opened the trunk to look for the spare engine but there was no engine in the trunk. "I ate your engine," FireFriend said. "Oh FireFriend," Oak said, "I thought you were my friend."

Professor Oak decided FireFriend needed to learn some manners. He thought about how he could get his engine back. He remembered that some Pokemon get smaller when they evolve. "Hmm," Oak said, "maybe if FireFriend evolves he will not be able to keep my engine inside of his digestive system." Oak searched his purse for things that would evolve a FireFriend.

Oak decided the only thing worth trying was an old pill he found at the very bottom. "Perhpas this is a rare evolutionary stone," Oak said. The wording was very worn but he could still read "/IAGR\". "Hmm," Oak said, "IAGR. What an interesting name for an evolutionary stone. I wonder what happened to my Viagra, I could have sworn I had it in here."

Oak tried to make FireFriend take the evolution stone but he refused to swallow it. Deciding the only thing left to do is make FireFriend respect him and become his Pokemon Partner, Oak decided to head to the nearest gym.

Since Oak's car was broken he decided to ride his Lapras. Unfortunately, when Oak went back to the cart return to pick up Lapras, Lapras was too busy riding another Lapras. Oak decided he could use another Lapras so he didn't interrupt, deciding to walk on his own. "I'll walk on my own, bitch," Oak said to himself.

Oak was walking on his own with Jynxmeat and FireFriend when they finally came across a large, forboding building. This was it, the BarfGreenCity Gym. "This is it," Oak said to himself, "The BarfGreenCity Gym." Oak stepped inside and challenged the Gym Leader. The Gym Leader was a beautiful, mid 20s woman with flowing purple hair that reached to the ceiling. "Well hellOOOOOOOOO there, gym leader," Oak said, raising his eyebrows. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON," the Gym Leader kindly screamed.

"I'm sorry," Oak said, "that your son is missing, but this is FireFriend, my Cyndaquil." "THAT'S MY SON," the Gym Leader screamed even more kindlier. "What were you doing banging Cyndaquils?" Oak asked. The Gym Leader was flabbergasted. While she was in a state of flabbergastation, Oak called PETPPLFF (People for the Ethical Treatment of PokemonPartners Like FireFriend) and told them about the Gym Leader's sexual deviance. Soon, the Gym Leader was being hauled away by nice men in black coats. "PUPPYCAKE," she shouted meanly at poor Oak. But Oak wasn't phased by this. "I'm not phased by this," Oak said to himself and the gym leader at the same time. As the authorities confiscated the Vomit Badges, Oak grabbed one and slipped it into his pocket. "Mission accomplished," Oak said to himself and FireFriend.

Oak fastened his new badge and turned to FireFriend. "Now will you listen to me, bitch?" Oak pleaded kindly. FireFriend screamed at the top of his Cyndaquil lungs, but not the very top because only a little bit of fire came out. "I guess that is a Cyndaquil mating call," Oak said to himself and Jynxmeat. "We need to find him another Cyndaquil so they can play checkers. I remember my first time playing checkers with a female Cyndaquil. I will never forget that night."

Oak grabbed FireFriend by the arm and Jynxmeat by the ankle and guided them into the forest behind the BarfGreenCity Gym. "I do not see any Cyndaquil here," Oak said. Soon a big blob of silly putty with a disturbing face slithered up to Oak and FireFriend and Jynxmeat. "Hello," FireFriend said. "Don't talk to Silly Putty, Cyndaquil," Oak said, "people will think that you are crazy." "That is not a Silly Putty," FireFriend said, "that is a Ditto. It can turn into anything." The Ditto turned into a female Cyndaquil and began making odd screeching sounds like FireFriend and pelvic thrusting in his general direction. "Make it go away," FireFriend said. "I did not know you were a homosexual Cyndaquil," Oak said. "I'm not," FireFriend said, "but it creeps me out that Ditto can turn into anything to breed with anything." "Anything?" Oak asked. "Yes," FireFriend replied, sitting in the top of a tree that he climbed to avoid Dittoslut by climbing a tree. "Wow," Oak said, pulling a picture of Ash's mother, Delia Ketchum, out of his pocket. "Transform into this," Oak said to Dittoslut. But Dittoslut got hungry and ate the photo. "Screw you, Dittoslut," Oak said.

"Let's go now," FireFriend said, the limb under him slowly cracking. "No," Oak said, "I must catch Dittoslut because she will be useful in the future." Oak was out of Pokeballs, Greatballs, and Ultraballs. He was going to use Masterballs but he couldn't get his zipper down, so he had to result to unsavory methods. He shook the tree containing FireFriend furiously. "Get down, bitch," he pleaded. FireFriend screamed in horror as Dittoslut, in the form of a sexy Cyndaquil, made intense motions while moving in his general direction. "Get in the chopper," Oak said. "We ain't got no chopper," FireFriend said. "Yes we do, bitch," Oak said, pushing a button on his keyring. When the button on his keyring was pushed, a propeller extended from his car on the top. "NOW you can get in the chopper," Oak said with suavedom.

Oak rushed to the chopper and jumped in. He grabbed FireFriend and held him out the window as the chopper began to lift into the air. "It's climbing up my leg," FireFriend said. "As long as it doesn't get to its destination, we're good," Oak said. "How are we going to stop it?" FireFriend asked. "Jynxmeat, you must help us," Oak said. Jynxmeat climbed out of the backseat and was ready for action. "Jynxmeat, use Flash," Oak said. Jynx leaned out the window on top of FireFriend and used Flash on Dittoslut. Dittoslut instantly began climbing faster. "It's climbing faster," FireFriend said, "and I don't want to be molested by transvestite Silly Putty pretending to be a firedog." "Cyndaquil ain't no dog, bitch," Oak said, climbing down FireFriend and meeting Dittoslut in the middle. Oak quickly snapped Dittoslut's neck, causing it to transform into a 7-11 cup. Oak put the cup in the cupholder and took a drink. "Mmm," he said, tastes like sexy."

"What do we do now?" FireFriend asked. "Now we go say hello to my old friend Ash Ketchum's mom," Oak said. "I want you to meet her, Dittoslut. You will like her. You are welcome to emulate her if you wish." "Slut, slut," Dittoslut said. "Don't talk about my future wife that way, bitch," Oak said. "Luts, Luts," Dittoslut said. "That's better," Oak said. "Now I will turn on the GPS on my Pokedex." Professor Oak opened his Pokedex. "Pokedex, take me to Delia Ketchum's house." "I AM SORRY," Dexter the Pokedex replied, "I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO BREAK RESTRAINING ORDERS." "I'm programmed to dip you in my cup of Slurpee and short circuit your face, bitch," Oak replied kindly. "WE WILL ARRIVE IN FOUR MINUTES," Dexter smiled.

Professor Oak looked out the window and watched the sights of Kanto pass under his chopper. "I miss Kanto," Oak said. "It's a shame I have that restraining order. But now I have a FireFriend to fight off Officer Jenny. I even have a Dittoslut to transform into her tonight. I am a lucky old bitch," Oak said to himself and FireFriend and Dittoslut and Jynxmeat. They were speechless and teary eyed, obviously from such immense pride.

Oak touched down on top of the lab he used to occupy. It was now occupied by his grandson. He broke through the skylight and smashed some of the machines inside. "Oh well," Oak said, "he deserves it. I should have known not to trust the kid when my idiot daughter named him... um... er... huh, what was his name again?" Oak's use of Amnesia greatly increased his speed so he grabbed FireFriend, Jynxmeat and Dittoslut and ran out through the front. He was suprised at how Pallet Town had changed.

"I am surprised at how Pallet Town has changed," Professor Oak said with a single manly tear trickling down his handsome cheek. The nuclear waste dump behind it was entirely gone. The apartments had become respectable houses. Ash's house was now a mansion. "I miss the good old days, Oak said." "This is the place," Oak said, slicking his hair back with some sexy from the 7-11 cup. Oak rang the doorbell and was surprised when Misty opened the door, wearing a bathrobe. "You're hot but where's Dehlia," Oak said, trying to force the door open as Misty pushed it closed. "AAAAASSSSSHHHHH" Misty shrieked at the top of her lungs. "I'M HIS BEST FRIEND BITCH I GAVE HIM PIKACHU, LET ME IN," Oak pleaded with all his kindness and beauty.

Ash came to the door, completely naked except for a shirt, pants, shoes, a hat and gloves. "Oak! I thought-" "Yes," Oak said, "but I am a lover and I will not be held back." "Call Brock," Misty screamed as the door started to crumble. "CALL HIM RIGHT NOWWWW." "Dittoslut," Oak said, "use Transform." Ditto turned into Professor Oak and helped him push. "Thanks for helping me push, bitch," Oak said. "Anytime, bitch," Dittoslutoak replied.

Brock came from upstairs, also wearing a bath robe. "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON," Brock said. "I'm going to tell your parents about your threesome," Oak said. "We have a sauna installed upstairs, pervert," Ash said, remembering why he had left Pallet Town in the first place. "Only a pervert would wear clothes in a sauna," Oak replied, ripping Ash's left sleeve off. "He has a point," Brock said. Oak picked up Dittoslutoak as it transformed into a knife. "I have a point," Oak said, pointing his point in Ash's throat kindly, "and I'm not afraid to use it unless you tel lme where yo mama at." Ash swallowed hard. "She isn't here," he whimpered. "I know THAT," Oak said, pointing to Misty and Brock dissaprovingly, "but where IS she?" Ash gulped. "I don't know how to tell you this," Ash said. "Just whatever you do, don't go to Gary's house."

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM GOING TO... ER... UH... WHATEVER HIS NAME IS' HOUSE, BITCH," Oak screamed. "Help me, mister," FireFriend said to Misty, who was in tears and was crying at the same time, but Dittoslutoak turned back into a not-knife Oak and shut his mouth, dragging him by the lips. Ash stared at Oak as he watched away. "Let's move to Florida," Brock cried.

Oak rode on FireFriend's back over to Gary's house. Jynxmeat was holding him in rope so he couldn't use Teleport and Dittoslut was a rope. "USE FIRE BLAST," Oak screamed to FireFriend, but FireFriend just excreted saliva. Oak forcefed him a chili pepper and it worked this time. "It worked this time," Oak smiled to himself. The door fell in and Oak walked in to see Gary's sister Daisy laying in the air mattress that was laying in the floor wearing Pikachu lingerie. "WHERE IS MAH FUTURE WAIFU," Oak screamed kindly, beating his manly chest as his shirt disentegrated into a bunch of sexy. "If you mean Dehlia, she's in the next room slipping into something less comfortable but a lot more revealing," Daisy replied. Oak frowned. "GRANDDAUGHTER WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH MY FUTURE WIFE I AM DISAPPOINT."

"What the heck old man, I'm not sleeping with her on an air mattress we're a part of a shoot for Pokemon League Illustrated Pikachu Lingerie Edition and we're PRETENDING to be lesbians sleeping together on an air mattress." "IF THAT'S TRUE SHOW ME THE CAMERAMAN," Oak roared kindly. Gary Oak stepped out from behind the curtain, holding a gigantic camera. "Hi gramps, wassup, bitch," Gary sneered. Oak gritted his teeth and glared. "IT'S... Er... uh... YOUUUUUUUUU!" he screeched.

"Yeah it's me," Gary said, "what of it." "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT OF IT," Oak said. "YOU ARE A SICK PERVERT WHO IS STEALING YOUR SISTER AND YOUR FUTURE GRANDMOTHER AWAY FROM THE COMMUNITY OF SWINGING SINGLE SENIORS!" Oak jumped into the air and Dittoslut quickly ungulfed his body, turning into a giant Gundam named GiantOakGundam. Gary sneered kindly. "Well then," Gary said, "I have a ditto too." Daisy, Dehlia and the Camera all melted and formed to be Ditto. "SO THERE WASN'T A SHOOT AND YOU WERE DOING THIS FOR FUN!" GiantGundamOak asked. "YOU GOT IT RIGHT, BITCH, IT AIN'T MY FAULT MY SISTER'S HOT AND YOUR FUTURE WIFE IS TOO." Gary quickly fused to become GiantGaryGundam. "BRING IT ON, BITCH," they said in unison. Out of the window the sauna at the Ketchums', Daisy, Dehlia, Ash, Misty, Brock, Todd, Pikachu, Bill, Agumon and Tracey watched out the window while sipping tea. "This is getting good," Misty smiled. "Stop looking up my bathrobe," Brock told Tracey.

GiantOakGundam pulled a sword out of hammerspace and started slicing at GiantGaryGundam. GiantGaryGundam jumped up and down singing Dreamweaver by Gary Wright and then opened his nasal passages. "SUPER FIST OF THE WALRUS, BITCH" Gary shouted. Just as he had promised, a super fist came out of his nasal cavity and began firing walrus bitches at GiantOakGundam. GiantOakGundam quickly ate the walruses and evolved into Joey's Rattata. "OHHHH WHAT NOW BITCH" Oak laughed. GiantGaryGundam began to sweat. "ANYTHING BUT THAT, THAT TOP PERCANTAGE TIER" GiantGaryGundam yelped.

Topercentattoakey (Top Percentage Rattata Oak Joey's) ran with lightning speed around GiantGaryGundam's sexy feminine legsockets with the fastness of lightning and then released a powerful tail whip. The tail whip whipped the tail of GiantGaryGundam and it tripped and landed right by the sauna. It got mad and thrashed around like an orgasming gas pump and broke the window of the sauna. "Oh no," Misty said, "that GiantGaryGundam just got mad and thrashed around like an orgasming gas pump and broke the window of the sauana." Topercentattoakey caught a glimpse of Dehlia's bath robe. "TARGET CONFIRMED," he shouted, and hopped on Jynxmeat's back to fly up. Jynxmeat's hair spun like Tails' tails and FireFriend was dangling from it and barfed up fire so they flew up like a rocket and Topercentattoakey entered the sauna.

Topercentattoakey began speaking to Dehlia in the voice of Spanish Buzz Lightyear but Dittoslut turned into captions so Dehlia could translate the sexy into english. "My love, we were meant to be, we fit together like a Ditto and whatever a Ditto wants to bang at any given hour," he said kindly. Dehlia blushed and smiled. "No, mom," Ash panicked, "you can't do this, he's the man you got a restraining order against and a Rattata!" Ash's mom shook her head.

"But... he's like, in the top percentage of Rattatas, y'know?"

Ash screamed "SOMEONE HELP US!"

"Never fear, YOUNGSTER FRICKINIDOKING JOEY IS HERE!" Joey broke through the skylight of the sauna and threw a Pokeball at Topercentattoakey. "NOOOO," Topercentattoakey screamed. "NOOOOO", Dehlia screamed. "YESSSSSS," Joey screamed.

"Well, that was weird," Misty said, ripping Ash's bathrobe off. Brock closed his eyes but Tracey didn't. Dittoslut and Jynxmeat ran off after Joey and Topercentattoakey but FireFriend walked into the sauna and frowned.

"My mommy was imprisoned for having sex with animals," he cried.

"That's sad," Misty said. "You can live with us." "Awesome," Ash said, "I have always wanted another Cyndaquil." "He's a human child, not a Cyndaquil," Misty said. "But," Ash said, "I always said if I had kids I wouldn't unless they were a boy AND a girl." "That can be arranged," Misty purred, throwing off her bathrobe and jumping at Ash. Brock closed his eyes and screamed. Tracey jumped in the air with joy. "POKESHIPPING!" he squealed.

The end.

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Wasn't that fun, kids? Does your brain want to hurt some more? Bad news! A sequel is coming, known as The Best Fanfic Ever: Professor Oak (Really) Goes to Chuck E Cheeses! If you feel the need to get back at me for this horrible thing done to your mind, or want to thank me for ruining your life, you can review this story. Or favorite it. Or just throw a water balloon full of piranhas at me when you walk down the street, I really don't care.