"This isn't working," Jade whispered, her eyes fixated on the ceiling. She lay on her bed, fiddling with the hem of her shirt with one hand and holding the phone to her ear with the other. The sounds of New York City traffic periodically echoed through the open window, but she didn't mind. She appreciated the reminder that dysfunction wasn't specific to her life.
On the other end of the line, she heard Beck exhale and then came a rattly, "I know."
A part of her was disappointed. A part of her wanted him to fight back, to resist, to insist that everything was going to be okay. Another part of her was relieved that it wasn't just her - that he felt it too. At least one thing hadn't changed: Beck was always honest with her.
So she asked, "Why isn't this working?" The words came out a little louder and more desperate than she'd hoped. She wouldn't admit it, but the silence that followed dragged on for longer than her comfort would extend.
"I don't know," he slowly said.
She laughed. It was probably inappropriate, but then, she often was. And before long, he was laughing too, because how ridiculous was this? They spent the better part of four years intertwined in every way imaginable only to end up on opposite sides of the country, unable to keep it together yet unable to identify exactly why they were falling apart.
The laughter stopped and all Jade heard was the sound of his shallow breathing. For a while, she just listened. She closed her eyes and could almost imagine that Beck was there beside her, holding her hand, drawing circles on her palm.
"I love you," Jade finally said. Suddenly it didn't seem so important who said it first.
"I love you, too," he answered.
Jade swallowed hard. "I don't want to break up," she assured him.
"Me neither."
"But - "
" - This isn't working," Beck finished. Normally Jade would have furrowed her brow and yelled at him for interrupting her, but they both knew where this was going. This time, Jade didn't want to fight.
"Maybe we just need some... time. To be ourselves," she suggested. Even as she said it, she knew it made no sense. He was the only person she knew how to be herself with. He was the only person who wanted her to be.
"Maybe when we're in one place, it will be different. Like it was. Not so empty," he followed, hopeful and sincere. But it would never be like it was - it couldn't - because this was now, and that was then. And if he was empty with her, how could he ever be whole without her?
"I'll be back in LA for Christmas," she reminded him.
"I love you," he reminded her.
She murmured, "I know."
The quiet crept over them once more and Jade allowed herself to revel in it. After all, she wasn't sure when the next time they sat in silence together would be.
Then came his voice, offering, "I guess.. I'll see you in December."
"I'll see you in December," she affirmed and tried to smile.
"I'm sorry," Beck said hurriedly, with an audible gulp that Jade knew meant the stoic, level-headed boy she'd grown so accustomed to was finally starting to crack.
So she whispered, "I love you, too," and hung up the phone.