A/N: Haven't wrote anything in a shit load of time, I know. Spacing might be weird because fanfiction apparently hates Macbooks. WHOOPDEY FUCKING DO. Wrote this with mah buddeh Audra, aka PrincessPetticoat, formally known as masquerade-maquette. We don't own anything of Harry Potter. Besides I read too much gay porn to actually try to do anything. If that makes sense. Have fun reading biatches! TOTAL CRACK BTW. IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were just languidly lying about the Gryffindor common room, which was surprisingly empty, waiting for something to happen. Anything.
It was a year after they defeated Voldemort, and ever since the pure bliss of being safe had worn off they all noticed something. Everything was boring. Plain and simple. Now since they had nothing to concentrate on, nothing to destroy or chase they all just sat around most of the time. Ignoring school and drinking butter beer all day long.
"Wanna play another game of Wizards Chess Harry?" Asked Ron, ginger shaggy hair falling into his eyes. Ever since that faithful battle Ron really let himself go. He became, as Ginny liked to call him, a giant walking fat ass.
"No fat ass, I want to do something fun." Said Harry. The hurt in Ron's eyes was evident but they quickly changed to soft joy when Hermione slipped over next to him and kissed his cheek.
"C'mon Harry." She started "Ron isn't a fat ass! He's just slowly turning into a big giant ginger teddy bear!" She gingerly pinched his love handles causing a groan from her boyfriend.
"You guys really need to fuck off about the whole teddy bear thing-" Began Ron until he was rudely interrupted by a big bang at the Fat Lady portrait.
"LET ME IN TWAT." Came an unfamiliar voice from the other side of the wall. It was lower pitched, yet definitely feminine.
"No! You can't enter unless you have the password!" Retorted the Fat Lady.
Another bang followed. "BITCH YOU LET ME IN OR I SWEAR I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT AND REPLACE THEM WITH FUCKING DOBBY'S-"
At once the portrait swung open. "The password was Dobby you insulate little girl." She sneered.
"Oh cool beans bro." And then stepped in two young girls, dressed in muggle clothing. The golden trio just looked at them with big eyes.
"You guys ever seen any sexy bitches before because it sure looks like you haven't." Said the taller girl of the couple, her long brown hair falling into her face.
"Sure doesn't." Said the shorter partner. She turned and looked at the tall brunette "Dearest elf, I think it's time to fuck shit up."
"Oh yes, lovely hobbit, it indeed is the time to do so."
Ron stood up, practically throwing Hermione off his side and onto the ground in the process.
"HOLD UP NOW." He yelled, face contorted in anger. "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS THINK YOU ARE?"
The taller brunette stepped forward. "I'm Laura. And damn Ron sorry to say this but you got FAAAAATTTTTTT."
"And I'm Audra!" Came a sweet voice from her side. She started to walk up to Ron, short brown hair bouncing with each step. She tentatively reached out her pointer finger and, while looking straight into Ron's eyes, poked his flabby belly. "Hehe. Squishy."
Ron swatted at her hand. "Stop molesting me!" He said while slowly inching towards Hermione who was still on the floor.
"What are you guys?" She asked with a dreamy look on her face.
"We are travelers of time and space, Hermione." Started Laura "We've traveled many foreign lands just to reach this school. Swam through oceans of molten lava, rode on the back's of particularly stingy hobos-"
"Oh shut up Laura." Said Audra, she turned to Hermione and started telling the truth, which is most definitely overrated. "We came here on the fucking train you stupid bitch. I thought you were the smartest of the group but I guess I THOUGHT WRONG NOW DIDN'T I HMMM?" She looked at Hermione with scolding eyes. "You disappoint me."
Hermione was dumbstruck. No one has ever insulted her massive intellect, ever. She squinted her eyes at Audra and got back up on her feet.
"Oh what now little girl you know my life story huh is that it? I could rip you to shreds with my bare hands you little-" Hermione fell back to the floor unconscious, a smiling Laura behind her still body, her hands in fists from just knocking Hermione out onto the floor.
"Thought that would help. God I fucking hate know it all whores." She said.
"Laura, you are a know it all whore."
"SHUT UP AUDRA LET ME BE WHAT I AM GOD THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE KNOW IT ALL WHORE."
"Oh ho ho ladies calm down." Said Harry finally raising from his seat and walking over to the bickering couple. "There's enough of me to go around."
Laura looked up to Harry. "Bitch I'm Slytherin. I'm saving myself for Draco."
"Yea" Added Audra "And I've got Tom Felton. No one wants yo skank ass."
Harry just stared at them, an incredulous look on his face. "You guys don't want to... touch me?" He said with a sad pout.
The two girls just looked at him. Who the fuck would want to touch Harry Potter? "Damn you're a fucking creep." Said Laura.
At hearing this, Harry sulked his short little ass into the corner of the desolate common room. Saddened by the news that he was unwanted by two of the sexiest creatures in the whole fucking universe.
Laura looked down at Hermione's body with a small smile on her face. "Let's unforgivable curse dis bitch right hur."
Ron stared at Laura. "You can't do that! That's... unforgivable!"
"NO SHIT FAGGIT." Shouted Laura who then swiftly threw her wand over to Audra. "We're here to fuck shit up bro. Don't like it? Get fucked by a hot poker in the ass."
As soon as the words flew out of her mouth, Ron ran for his life. Out of the common room, through all of Hogwarts and into the Forbidden forest. Apparently he'd rather face those spiders then a couple of hot bitch ass Slytherins.
The sexy ass Slytherins turned their attention back to Hermione. Laura got on her knees and started to pet her head.
"She is my witch. And I shall call her skank bag. And she shall be my skank bag."
"What?" Shouted Hermione, "what does that mean?"
"IT MEANS YOUR A FILTHY FUCKING MUDBLOOD CUNT. IMPERIO!"
After those harsh words were said, a bright blood-red beam shot out of Audra's wand. It latched on to Hermione's stupid little cunt soul, and it lifted her into the air - CONTROLLED.
Audra lifted her wand as Hermione floated higher into the common room. She threw Laura's wand back to her. "Here! Now stun Harry and keep his short ass still."
Harry was up from his corner now, scared shitless. "You can't do that!" He shouted, his voice cracking with fear. "BITCH WE JUST DID. STUPEFY." Laura's spell crashed into Harry, throwing him against the wall. "Petrificus totalus!" His body turned to stone. Like a still birth.
Audra giggled with crazed madness. She then moved her wand towards Harry, bringing Hermione's controlled body with it.
With a swish and a flick, she rammed Hermione's body right into Harry's. Causing an immense amount of sexual frustration between them. We know this, because Harry's little wanker sprouted beneath the seams of his leather skinny jeans.
Audra repeated the action with such force, that the walls started to shake.
There was a sudden knock on the fat lady portrait. Laura and Audra both just stared at each other, both trying to telepathically tell one another to get the door. Laura automatically did it because she's whipped. By Audra. In case you didn't know.
She went over and opened the door, against the Fat Lady's distress. On the other side of the portrait were the two greatest men alive.
Draco Malfoy and Tom Felton.
Hope you guys enjoyed it. I'll be posting another chapter soon with my darling hobbit. Try not to die from the suspense. I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU REVIEWED BECAUSE IT'S A REALLY NICE GESTURE GUISE.