Authors Note: This is my perspective following episode 5x03, if it could have been anything different, I'd wish it would be this. The Paily romance is still there, somewhere. Waiting is killing me! Reviews welcomed, second fanfic – will consider making it a multi chapter. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Pretty Little Liars story/cast or anything related to the show or the books. I am simply a fan, writing about two characters that I love.
- Holding out hope and wearing her heart on her sleeve -
Hard, hard would be an understatement. Standing so close to someone she loved so much, this was killing her. She had to keep her cool, hear her out, but why now of all the times Paige could pick, why did she have to be here now?
Emily had just dropped Hanna home, and needed a moment to think over what Hanna had asked her while they were driving. Where the heck had that conversation come from? Did I miss something? Emily thought to herself. Surely Hanna didn't feel that way towards her, after all, they were best friends. Sometimes trying to keep up with Hanna's train of thought was like being on a rollercoaster, you never knew where she was about to get off…or it was like driving without your GPS on, an endless amount of decisions and alternate possibilities. Hanna, sometimes you are so confusing and now I have to deal with Paige and her watery eyes and her soft lips, stop it Fields, get it together.
Paige looked beyond broken, and the timing was terrible but Emily decided she needed to give her a chance to speak. The approach from the car was bad enough, Emily's stomach was in a knot and even at a distance she could see the hurt in Paige's face…hurt caused by me, by A, Emily conceded. But being this close, seeing the slow, drawn out breaths moving through Paige's body, Emily couldn't help but remember all of the times she'd longed to be close to Paige just to hear her breathing. Reign it in heart, this can't be what I need anymore, stop torturing me. Emily's heart beat hard in her chest, knowing this she let the girl speak so she didn't say anything to let her think she had a chance…did she have a chance? Please get this over with before your resolve is gone and you touch her.
Broken, desperate and with nothing left to lose, Paige laid out her feelings, one painful confession all at once. Emily had known it was coming, but to hear those words "I love you" said so honestly, broke her heart all over again. Dammit! How does she have this hold on me?! Stop looking at her Fields, look at the ground or something! Emily struggled to pull her emotions into check, yes, she too still loved Paige, despite not wanting to admit it, she did, deep down still love her.
Tears welled up in Paige's eyes, begging to brim over but she kept a hold on her emotions, surely Emily would say something, give her a sign that she still felt something for her, something that they could hold onto, something that they could build upon. Fear crept into her thoughts, she's not saying it back, why can't she say it back, I've royally fucked this up. Fields, come back to me, please I'm begging you. Resignation dawned on her; it's not going to happen…she can't even look at me right now.
Emily briefly looked up; wet warm brown eyes looked longingly into her own. No words, just that look, the look that Emily had dived into a million times before. Love not lust. Just love for the girl standing in front of her asking for a response, a chance at being them again. Emily knew she had to say something, but before she could figure it out, Paige said she should go. Do I stop her? Reach out and grab her arm, make her hear you…words Fields, she needs to hear words. Emily couldn't get her heart and her head to function in unison. Paige, I'm so sorry, don't leave. "Paige wait, you deserve the best of everything". Broken, Paige looked at Emily one last time, "I had the best of everything" and with that she walked off.
Emily's heart ached; she played Paige's last words over and over in her head. "Had the best of everything", had, dammit, no more. Done, fucked up beyond repair. Why did this have to be so hard, tears slowly trickled down Emily's cheeks, tears she hardly realised she'd been holding on to the whole time Paige had been speaking to her. Wiping at her cheeks with the back of her sleeve, Emily took a step closer to her porch and sat down, right where Paige had been waiting for her. She needed a minute to sit here and be.
Walking home in the dark, without a worry of who would see her, Paige let her tears fall freely now, she'd only just managed to keep them from bursting forth while she spoke to Emily. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks blurring her vision. Damn you Fields, I love you so much this hurts, why can't you see I'd take it all back in a heartbeat! Paige thought to herself. Not even bothering to wipe her tears, Paige blindly stumbled toward her front gate; maybe just maybe things would be better in time. For now she knew what she needed, and that refuge waited and glistened in the moonlight at the back of the McCullers property.
Her eyes stung from the crying but Paige was determined to get into the pool, the cold water would soothe her heartbroken body. Slowly she removed her shoes, fumbling with the laces she gave up and eased them off with her feet. Jacket and jeans followed and were hastily dumped on a nearby pool lounger. Tears still trickled slowly; soon they would be mixed with water, cleansing water, water that she loved.
Paige eased her broken body down on to the edge of the pool, feeling the cold tiles touch the back of her thighs sent a shiver through her body, good she thought to herself; she needed to feel something other than heartache. Her feet broke through the surface of the water, one foot at a time. Gently swinging her feet back and forth in the icy cold water, Paige thought of how relieving the water felt on her body. Water could wash away all of the pain for now but it wasn't going to produce a concrete solution to her Emily situation, she'd call it that, a situation, and situations like this needed resolving. Dammit, now I'm back to thinking about her again. Get in McCullers, now.
Placing her hands by her thighs, she gradually lowered herself into the slightly freezing water. Bliss, pure bliss; taking a deep breath Paige submerged herself and gracefully pushed off with her feet from the side of the pool. Being underwater in the moonlight felt mesmerizing, cleansing and just what she needed. Her lungs began to demand oxygen so she headed for the end of the pool in one long, final push, gently expelling the last of the air as she neared the surface. Reaching the end of the pool in one long underwater glide felt satisfying. Now, she needed to get out and formulate a plan, a plan to make Emily want her back, but first she needed to get dry and think.
Climbing out of the pool, Paige headed toward the pool shed and reached inside the door to flick on the light switch, thankfully there were towels on the hooks, she grabbed one and gently dried her face and then her hair. Wrapping herself in the towel, she switched off the light and headed back over to her discarded clothing. There on the top of neatly folded clothes sat a note, beautiful scrawling handwriting covered the piece of paper. Her handwriting, omg she was here while I was in the pool. Making sure her hands were dry, Paige lightly lifted the note from the clothing.
Emily had quietly slipped inside the pool area at the McCullers without being noticed, she knew Paige would have come here when she left her front yard. She understood why the girl needed to be in the water, god she felt the same way too, sadly for her though, she didn't have her own pool to use at times like this.
Emily knew she was right from the instant her foot had touched the tiles inside the pool gate, there before her, in the water was a barely clothed Paige, gracefully gliding underwater to the end of the pool. Emily stood for a moment, unable to take her eyes off of the beauty before her. Her Paige, who she understood so well, doing what they loved, yes Fields you did say your Paige. Time to go, leave the note and go, what happens from here, who knows Emily thought to herself.
Tearing her eyes away from the pool Emily quietly snuck over to the pile of clothes haphazardly tossed on the pool lounger, she glanced at the pool and realized she had a few seconds to set things right before she'd have to disappear or be caught. Lifting the jacket to her face, Emily slowly inhaled the scent of Paige from her clothing, she still used coconut lotion and the smell lingered on her jacket and made Emily's senses tingle. God she smells so good, why does she have to smell so good? Emily drew the jacket away from her face and folded it into a neat pile, next her jeans and then she placed Paige's chucks beside the clothing on the lounger. Emily withdrew the note she had quickly penned from inside the back pocket of her jeans. She placed it where she knew Paige was sure to find it, on top of her folded items of clothing, bearing her heart on her sleeve on her note, Emily took one last, longing glance at the pool and snuck off, back toward the pool gate. Easing the latch shut, Emily heard Paige leave the pool and walk over to the pool shed, and she'd just made it to the gate without getting caught. Deciding not to hang around for one last glance Emily headed back home, the way she had come.
Lifting the note toward her face, so she could see in the moonlight, Paige's heart beat out of her chest. How did she miss her, it was only one lap underwater. Had Emily followed me home, surely she'd gone inside when I left? Thoughts of Emily clouded Paige's mind as she fumbled the note in her hands. Elegant writing, writing that Paige knew so well…writing that said what Paige had hoped for all along. Why on earth didn't she just say what she needed to say while I was on her front porch…dammit Fields you're so confusing sometimes. Elated and exasperated all at once, she began to read the note again.
Paige, I know I'm such a fool when it comes to you, us, and everything that we had. I did mean what I said, about you deserving the best, because deep down you are a good person. I know you feel miserable right now, but I need time to forgive you for letting the Police know that Ali is alive. What will be, will be from that situation. What I do know is that I still love you, I'm just…this is hard. And I need some time. Please don't give up on us, just know that in time, we will work this out. Emily xox
Longing built in the pit of her stomach, tears welled up in her eyes and broke forth once again, her Emily loved her, she still did and that was enough for her.
Paige clutched the note to her heart, gathered up her clothing, noting that Emily had folded them neatly and made her way toward her house, a hot shower was what she needed. She'd figure out the rest of this in the morning.