The Twelve Pains of Christmas
Disclaimer: I own everything! Go on, sue me! GUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Greetings reader. Welcome to a peek into the Christmas season in the land of Faerun. I am aware that they worship different gods but Christmastime in Faerun is when the evil god Bhaal was murdered and all his children were born. In this story, we will view what certain citizens of Faerun do for Christmas, including Nalia, Minsc, Korgan, Sarevok, Edwin, Aerie, Viconia, Auric Jr., Jan, Mazzy, Anomen, and Auric. Enjoy! Ready fellas? 5,4,3,2,1, start!
Valygar: Uh, sir, we're having a slight problem with the lights.
Me: Oh great. What is it this time?
Valygar: Haer'Dalis tripped over the cord and unplugged it.
Me: Then plug it back in!
Valygar: Oh. Okay. (leaves)
Me: Now can we start?
Keldorn: Here we go walking to help Viconia, help Viconia, help Viconia. Here we go now to help Viconia, all through the day.
Me: Keldorn, where the hell are you going?
Keldorn: To help Viconia before she goes on.
Me: Viconia doesn't need any help! And I thought you hated her.
Keldorn: All things change.
Me: Well go help Valygar and Haer'Dalis with the lights!
Keldorn: Okay. (leaves)
Me: Now if there's any more problems, just ignore them and let's get this started.
Cernd: Sir, Yoshimo ate all the danishes.
Me: Then go get more!
Cernd: He drank all the eggnog too.
Me: He WHAT? That's it, I'm going to personally kill Yoshimo for drinking all my eggnog! (leaves)
Cernd: That got rid of him. Now I can do what I've always wanted to do. Juggle a pot on my head on a unicycle.
Cernd sits on a unicycle and puts a pot on his head. He drops it after twenty seconds.
Me: Cernd, what the hell are you doing? Get off the stage!
Cernd: Yes sir.
Me: Now if there are no more interferences, we can start. Ready Valygar? Throw the switch!
Valygar: Aye aye sir! (throws the switch)
A whole bunch of lights saying 'The Baldur's Gate Christmas Spectacular' come on and send me flying.
Jan: Maestro, are you ready?
Maestro Chicken: Cluck.
Jan: Good. Start the music!
A whole orchestra of chickens pick up musical instruments and begin playing 'the twelve days of Christmas'
All: The first thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Nalia: Is finding a Christmas tree!
All: The second thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Minsc: Rigging up the lights
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The third thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Korgan: Hangovers
Minsc: Rigging up the lights
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The fourth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards
Korgan: Hangovers
Minsc: Rigging up the lights
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The fifth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards
Korgan: Hangovers
Minsc: (getting annoyed) Rigging up the lights
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The sixth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Aerie: Facing my in-laws
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Oh I hate those Christmas cards!
Korgan: Hangovers
Minsc: (really annoyed) Rigging up these lights!
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The seventh thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Viconia: The salvation army
Aerie: Facing my in-laws
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards
Korgan: Oh jeez.
Minsc: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The eighth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Auric Jr.: Mommy! I want Jon Irenicus for Christmas!
Viconia: Charities and what do you mean your in-laws!
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Oh, making up these cards!
Korgan: How about getting me an ale, huh?
Minsc: What, we have no extension cords?
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The ninth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Jan: Finding parking spaces
Auric Jr.: Daddy! I want some candy!
Viconia: Donations!
Aerie: Facing my in-laws
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Writing up those Christmas cards
Korgan: Hangovers
Minsc: Now why the hell are they blinking?
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The tenth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Mazzy: Batteries not included
Jan: No parking spaces
Auric Jr.: Buy me something!
Viconia: Get a job, you bum!
Aerie: Facing my in-laws
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: Yo ho! Sending Christmas cards.
Korgan: Oh jeez, look at this.
Minsc: One light goes out and they all go out!
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The eleventh thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Anomen: Stale TV specials!
Mazzy: Batteries not included
Jan: No parking spaces
Auric Jr.: I have to go to the bathroom!
Viconia: Charities!
Aerie: She's a witch. I hate her!
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: I don't even know half these people!
Korgan: Who's got the toilet paper?
Minsc: Get me the flashlight, the fuse is blown!
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: The twelfth thing at Christmas that really gets to me
Auric: Singing Christmas carols
Anomen: Stale TV specials
Mazzy: Batteries not included
Jan: No parking?
Auric Jr.: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Viconia: Charities
Aerie: Gotta make 'em dinner.
Edwin: Five months of bills!
Sarevok: I'm not going to send them this year.
Korgan: Shut up you!
Minsc: FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!
All: MERRY CHRISTMAS!