Title: Second Chances
Author: Foxfeather
Email: alwest@cityweb.de
Archive: F4 - FoxFeather's FanFiction. Elsewhere: yes, but please tell me where!
Rating: PG - PG13
Pairing: James Potter / Remus Lupin, Harry Potter / Remus Lupin
Spoilers: Book 3: Prisoner of Azkaban. But tell me, which story about Remus Lupin wouldn't have spoilers for this one ;-)?
Warnings: None. Except that this is slash, folks!
Notes: For all who think Student/Teacher relationships to be *urgh*, please read the rating! And this takes place in Harry's seventh year.
And I want to say "Thank you" to Sekhmet, my beta!
Summary: Harry gets a new impression of his father.
Disclaimer: Everything Potter is J.K.Rowling's. Not mine. sniff
Dear diary. This is the first time I write to you, but I simply had to tell somebody what happened today. And I don't want to forget it as long as I live. As you perhaps know, this is my first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have found many friends, but my best friends are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. I met them on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius is some kind of a bigmouth, he is constantly planning pranks. Peter is small and shy, you hardly notice him, but he's okay. And Remus. Well, Remus is ill rather often. He is pale and reserved, and he is something like our combined conscience. He helps Peter, when he's not getting along in class and is there every time you need somebody. You hardly notice Remus, too, but you can tell he's there. He's not as... gray... as Peter is.
As I said, Remus is often ill. And since today, we know why. Sirius noticed that his illness seemed to be chronic. Every time it's the same. He gets irritable and pale and looks even thinner than usual. I noticed, too, that he becomes ill once a month. When Peter gave me a novel that was too creepy for him, the pieces of the puzzle came together. The novel was about a werewolf. Sirius and I scanned the library for literature about werewolves and it all fit perfectly. Okay, not perfectly, for Remus isn't all hairy and dangerous and mean. Tonight, we asked him if our suspicions were true. Oh boy, we really weren't prepared for Remus' reaction! He paled and then very slowly rose from his seat. Sirius, the dunderhead, didn't recognize what happened and continued to pester him with questions and the like. And he marched straight up to him. Remus must have switched off somehow. He flinched when Sirius approached him. And then he changed. Not physically, but in his appearance. He crouched down and started to snarl. Like a beast of prey. Only then Sirius recognized that he was driving him into a corner. Remus then started to growl at him. When he changed his position to get a chair between himself and Sirius, I was able to look into his eyes. They looked defensive and there was something else. I still shudder when I think of that. Disappointment, fear, hurt and a deep, deep sadness. It came to me that I never tried to see the issue from Remus' point of view. Werewolves are hunted and killed when found. And he must have been thinking that we.....
I remember that I started to babble. After some time, Remus calmed down and started to listen to me without being in defense-mode. Sirius needed some time longer 'til he realized that being a werewolf wasn't at all cool. We talked a long time until Remus really realized that we meant him no harm and started to trust us again. And he needed even longer until he believed us when we said that we still wanted to be his friends. Then he broke down completely. And I had to punch Sirius hard in the ribs until he stopped pestering Remus with questions about the when, where, how, and what's it like. Remus is not ready to talk about all that stuff.
He just came in and asked me what I was writing. When I told him, he paled again. I promised him to hide these pages as well as I can. So nobody will ever learn about him from them.~~
Hello diary! It's me again. Binn's lessons are so boring that I'll pretend to be making notes. It'll be too conspicuous to get out a piece of parchment right now, so I'll use this page out of my book. It's empty anyway.
Remus has calmed down. A bit. I still catch him glancing at me or at Sirius suspiciously. As if he's afraid we only _act_ friendly toward him. It hurts me that he mistrusts us, but I can understand him. I can't imagine what he must be going through. He still talks little about his condition. Sirius is still trying to pester him, but Remus just needs time to be able to trust us this far. I don't think he has talked with anybody about his lycanthropy. Save for Dumbledore, perhaps. He has told us that he only could come to Hogwarts because Dumbledore supported it. That he has a place to hide on the full moon where he isn't able to hurt anybody. And that he has been only six years old when he received the bite. His parents didn't let him go out after that. Perhaps that explains, why he's so good at school. What else could he have done other than read?~~
Finally back at Hogwarts! Sirius visited me during the holidays. We started to practice Quidditch, since we might be chosen to play for our house this year! Peter was touring the continent with his parents. Must have been pretty boring, for he doesn't talk about it much. I heard nothing from Remus the whole time. He looks ill, even though new moon has just passed. It's so good to be here again!~~
I feel so sorry for Remus! I caught him alone in our dorm and asked him what's wrong, if he's ill. First, he didn't want to talk about it, but then he spilled it. He again spent the whole holiday inside. His parents don't want him to be outside and talk to neighbours or other children. They are afraid that somebody might notice his disease. Even though it is not infectious! But his parents say that as long as people don't know him, nobody will ask questions.
Remus is a person who often sits and watches the people around him, simply listening to them talking. He doesn't talk much, but when he says something, it's well reasoned. And he prefers to act, rather than discuss the matter. No wonder, if he's used to being alone! I can't imagine a world without friends! I swear here and now, that I will never ever let Remus down!
Since we are back at Hogwarts, Remus has been doubtful about us. As if we would abandon him, now that we haven't seen each other for two months. I just want to hug him and show him that he's no longer alone. But he wouldn't allow me to do that. He shies away from physical contact. So I have to be there for him in another way.~~
Hello diary, I admit it, I was too lazy to write. So, what happened? I have written only about Remus before, so I'll continue it, or this entry will take ages. Well. Peter finally knows about Remus' secret. Remus wasn't very fond about us wanting to tell him. But Peter is the only other person in our dorm and it would ease matters enormously if he knew, too. So we told him.
I wish we wouldn't have. Peter's reaction was....vehement. The only reason he didn't flee the room screaming was because Remus was standing between him and the door. Sirius grabbed the little one and explained the matters to him and he finally calmed down a bit. But he is still afraid of Remus.
The whole scene has taken it out of Remus. He doesn't show it but I heard him crying himself to sleep that night. I so much wanted to comfort him, but what was I to do? I read much about werewolves and I know how people react to them. But Peter knows Remus! He knows that he needn't be afraid of Remus! Everybody here knows that Remus is kindness personified! And nevertheless, Peter was scared stiff. What should I tell Remus? That I'm sorry? What kind of help is that? He would only become angry and tell me he doesn't want pity. I don't know how to handle this! And Sirius. Well, Sirius says that Peter will calm down. Great! That will help Remus a lot! All of this happened a few days ago, but I still feel the anger about Peter I felt then. Did he even think about how much his reaction would hurt Remus? I just want to grab him and shake him! Remus has been through so much, why did Peter have to add this? And it's my fault, because I wanted to tell him. I feel like shit! Remus, I'm so sorry!~~
Hello diary! Everything was so quiet here that I didn't see any cause to write. But yesterday something happened that made me think. We discussed werewolves in class. Remus took it very badly. Because we learned how to recognize and to kill a werewolf. What Professor Petrie told us was such rubbish that I wanted to jump up and scream. He dug out every cliché about werewolves he could find. Okay, the possibility of somebody using this information to find out that Remus is a werewolf is minimal, but if somebody learns what he is now, he's done for. Peter, who had calmed down to nearly normal, despite the fact he's staying at a distance from Remus and won't stay alone with him in one room, is shying away from him again as if one look from him would infect him with lycanthropy.
And Remus. Petrie told us in detail, and I mean IN DETAIL, how to kill a werewolf most effectively. In Remus' shoes, I wouldn't have been able to stay in my seat as calmly as he did. But he was so pale I thought he would lose consciousness any moment. After class he ran out of the room as fast as he could. I followed him and found him hanging over a toilet bowl and retching his guts out. I helped him up into the dorm. Because I didn't know what to say, I simply hugged him. He stiffened as if he was afraid of me. Who knows when somebody hugged him the last time! But then he briefly hugged me back and thanked me. He said he was okay now. I should go down to class again and tell the other teachers that he didn't feel well.
He just sent me away! When I saw him again, dinner was over and he was fast asleep. But his pillow was wet with tears. I don't understand why didn't let me comfort him. Why doesn't he talk about his emotions? Why doesn't he accept my offer to help? I want to be there for him? Why doesn't he understand?~~
My father is dead. This morning Dumbledore called me up to his office and told me. Dad died in an accident they say. But it doesn't interest me. He's no longer there, that's all I know. Inside, everything's empty. There's nobody inside, my body is an empty shell. Why can't I mourn?~~
Thank you, Remus! When Sirius and the others heard about my Dad, they reacted differently. Sirius simply stood there and looked at me. It was obvious he didn't know what to do. Peter mumbled something and fled the room. Sirius then offered his condolences and followed him. It didn't reach me, then. I was like petrified. Cold and empty.
But Remus. He didn't speak, just grabbed my arm and took me up to our dorm. There he left me. I stared out of the window for I don't know how long. Then I started to write the entry above, hoping to find my emotions. But it didn't work. When Remus came back he carried a huge pot of hot chocolate. He pulled me down on the bed and sat down beside me. Then he simply hugged me and held me tight. And that from Remus, the boy-who-wouldn't-be touched. He simply held me. Nothing else. I don't know when, but some time I started to cry. It became worse by the minute.
I didn't cry because my father was _dead_, but because _I_ was alone. And that made me feel worse and I cried even more. And Remus... Remus simply was there. He didn't talk, he simply let me soak his shirt with my tears and slowly rocked me. When I calmed down a bit he pushed the cup of chocolate into my hands and made me drink it. Then he held me again and I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up again it was late at night. I could hear Sirius and Peter snoring in their beds, but Remus was still there. He, too, was asleep, curled up in his robes beside me, still holding me.
The next morning he still didn't say anything, got up, smiled at me and vanished in direction of the showers. We carried on as if nothing had happened and didn't talk about it. But I think Remus knows very well how much he helped me.~~
Our third year! I have Remus with me again! I wrote him many letters this holiday, but he never answered. When I asked him about it, he was shocked. He hadn't received any of the letters, he told me. But he finally understood one comment of his parents'. That he shouldn't bond to closely with any of the Hogwarts' students. A werewolf shouldn't have friends. It would be too dangerous.
Really, sometimes I could strangle Remus' parents! If anybody needs a friend, it's Remus! But it looks as if he believes what his parents told him. When I tried to hug him to tell him we're still friends, no matter what his parents say, he turned stiff in my arms again. I get the impression he's steering clear of me.~~
Enough! Remus still steers clear of me! When I catch him alone I take him to task!~~
Oh boy, if I only had known! For one and a half years now I knew that Remus is a werewolf, but I never really knew what that meant.
I took him to task as I wanted to. I wanted to know why Remus is so, I don't know, reserved and afraid when faced with other people. He's my friend, like Sirius is, but at the same time, completely different. He holds his distance. And now I finally know why.
He got really angry. I pushed him into a corner and he snarled at me. I have to admit that I was afraid of him. But I didn't let him go. And then, finally, he told me. About the nightmares in which he relives again and again how he had been bitten. He told me every detail, about his first transformation, about the terror. He told me about how his parents' behaviour towards him changed. How they disassociated themselves from him. He told me how it feels when people who know about you start to treat you like a monster. How you yourself start to believe them, start to think of yourself as being a monster. How you learn to keep others at a distance because you are a monster. How it feels to cage oneself up in a mental cage, too afraid to let anybody enter, too afraid to be hurt again.
And Remus told me how it feels to transform. How you witness everything that happens to you in slow motion, because the last thing that transforms is your mind. He told me everything about his fear that he would bite and infect somebody, or that he would kill somebody.
I then asked him why he comforted me when my father died. He told me that he did it because he knew how it felt to lose everything you love. Because he knew what being alone felt like. Because he knew how it felt if you search for comfort, but don't know, how to find it.
I offered him to be his comfort, then. He declined. He said that I was too precious to him to be that close to him. He's afraid he'll hurt me if he lets me be his friend. Because I _am_ his friend! He's afraid to lose his independence and become vulnerable. He's afraid to be dependent on _me_! I don't know what to think. I'm so proud that Remus thinks so highly of me, that he hurts himself to protect me from himself. But at the same time I'm angry, because he doesn't trust me, doesn't trust _himself_.~~
We have found a solution. Sirius read (!) something about Animagi in an old book. If we could manage to transform into animals, we would be able to keep Remus company as a wolf. I'm not so sure if we should tell him, though. He would never permit us to do something as dangerous as becoming Animagi, and all because of him! No, I say we surprise him. If Sirius manages to hold his tongue, that is!~~
Sirius _has_ held his tongue. Until now, that is. It's getting harder for all of us every day. We told Peter after we found out where Remus spends the nights of the full moon. The passageway to the Shrieking Shack starts under a Whomping Willow. In one of the books about Animagi we found a ritual that was able to tell us in what kind of animal we'll be when we transform. We know that Sirius'll turn into some kind of dog, and I will turn into something even bigger, something like a stag. Why a stag?!? The book says that it has to do something with personality. What kind of personality is a stag?!? But Sirius has already started to call me 'Prongs'.
But where was I? Ah, yes. Neither a stag nor a dog can touch the spot at the trunk of the Whomping Willow that will make it stop whomping. Well, Peter is, now, small. In size, in memory, and, well, in personality. So we tested him. Result: a rat. Perfect!
Why am I afraid that Sirius and the rest of us will not hold our tongues? Simple. Remus suspects something. That we are planning something. Something big. Without him. And now he sees his fear confirmed. The fear, that we don't want him anymore. He acts as if he hadn't noticed anything and everything is okay. But when he thinks we won't notice, he glances at us with that forlorn expression in his eyes. It rips me apart! And Sirius, too. If we don't come up with another idea, we'll have to let Remus in on our secret.~~
Holidays are over. Again, I heard nothing from Remus. Here at Hogwarts he is still distrustful. I have told him that we are planning a surprise for him, but he doesn't trust us. Perhaps because he doesn't like surprises. He has no control over it and he needs control. Sometimes I think, Remus defines control.~~
Okay, it's enough. I can't stand it any longer. I have to talk to Remus. He continues to withdraw from us. And that hurts. Not only him, for I can see that it hurts him that we won't let him in on our plan. I hurt, too. I will tell him. I have to. Today.~~
He hates the plan. Doesn't surprise me. He freaked out. What we were thinking of affecting his life like that. As if we didn't know what danger a werewolf could be? They weren't dangerous for animals, that's right. But does that go for Animagi, too? Nobody knows. We are ready to risk it. But Remus isn't. I never saw him like that. He actually yelled at us! The normally so silent Remus. He slammed us, such that even Sirius didn't know what to say. Peter ran out of the room. It hadn't been his idea, he cried and then he was gone. I'm all mixed up. We only wanted to help him! But it looks like we did everything wrong. I say, let's call it quits. It was a mistake. But Sirius wants to go on, no matter what Remus says.~~
It's getting worse every day. I don't know how long I'll be able to take that. Since we told Remus about the Animagi-project, he hasn't had one word with us. Sirius feels offended. He acts as if he's completely uninterested in what Remus does or doesn't do. "He isn't talking to me, so I'm not talking to him." But it hurts him, too. I have watched him watching Remus.
Peter is again afraid of Remus. He runs when he just sees him. As if Remus would hurt him, if he gets too close. And I.... Again, I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to Remus, but he simply turns around and walks away. And I heard him crying himself to sleep last night.
Remus, please, let me help you! But that's not the only thing that has happened. Snape, this Slytherin boy, has noticed that we don't talk to each other. I have seen him talking to Remus quite often over the last few days. Snape is a clever one, sly, like most of the Slyths. If Remus lets him stay near him for too long, he'll surely find out that Remus's a werewolf. If he doesn't know it already. But no, he would have spread the word.
But he's dangerous. I know Remus well enough to know that he doesn't trust another easily. But, on the other hand, I know Snape well enough to know he could be able to ensnare Remus. Please, be careful, my friend!~~
No change in the current situation. Peter fails one test after the other because there's no Remus to help him with his lessons. Sirius is still sulking, but he noticed Snape hanging around with Remus. And I'm sure, he hates it. And he's cooking up a plan. But he denies it. Remus still refuses to talk to anyone of us. Other Gryffindors have noticed our quarrel as well. Lily Evans, one of our fellow Gryffindors has started to snoop around, trying to figure out the story.
Remus? I miss you!~~
Sirius is a complete dunderhead! An idiot! He must have lost his mind! He has done something that will most likely get him expelled from Hogwarts! He told Snape that Remus would be waiting for him in the Shrieking Shack. And that he had to tell him something important. The secret tunnel would start underneath the Whomping Willow. Of course, Snape went to search for Remus. On the night of the full moon! Thank God for Sirius' big mouth or I'd've never been there in time to save Snape's life.
Great, Sirius, simply great! Sometimes I think that boy has won his mind at the lotteries! What would have happened, if Remus had attacked Snape? Snape would be dead. Remus would have killed him, and Sirius would be a murderer. And as well as I know Remus, he would take the whole blame and do God-knows-what to pay for it. In this case, I would even think him capable of suicide.
Sirius! How could you?
Sirius has entered the room, he's been allowed to stay at Hogwarts. But only because Dumbledore would have to spill Remus' secret otherwise. Oh Sirius, I think now we've lost Remus forever!~~
Remus is pissed. Really pissed. He ignores Sirius completely now. But he's down, too. Now that Snape is not talking to him, too, he's breaking down. No matter what he says, I have to talk to him.~~
As you see, diary, I'm still alive. Remus was so down that it didn't interest him if we had a quarrel or not. As long he had somebody to talk to. His voice was emotionless when he started to talk. But what he had to say shocked me to the core.
What Sirius had done had shaken him deeply. He saw Sirius' prank as directed against _him_. As if Sirius had tried to kill two birds with one stone. To get rid of the slimy Snape and get the werewolf to take the blame for it. If Sirius' prank had succeeded, Remus would have been taken to Azkaban for life, if not been killed immediately. Remus had thought that we would try to get rid of him at some time or another, but he was shocked that we would try it in this way.
It took me some seconds until I grasped the meaning behind all this. Remus believed the prank was a trick to get him killed without being accused for it. And then I flipped out. I don't know how else to put it. I yelled at him and slapped him. I reproached him and shook him. Some time later I broke down and simply cried. And Remus finally got it. Finally. That I _am_ his _friend_. That he can't stop me from being that by ignoring me. And then he let go of his feelings.
We talked the whole night long after crying our hearts out. Remus then told me that he rather likes the idea of us keeping him company as aminals. But he never thought that anybody would do something like that for _him_, the _monster_! Somebody needs to tell him that he's no monster once and for all!
I'm so happy he's my friend again! It's almost queer. I feel so lightheaded that I could bounce through the corridors!~~
Sirius and Remus are talking to each other again. Their relationship is still slightly cooled, but nevertheless.... Sirius knows that he's made a mistake, but he's too stubborn to talk to Remus about it. He hides behind his big mouth and doesn't get it, that he's too stubborn for his and Remus' good.
Snape has kept his mouth shut. I don't know what Dumbledore told him, but it worked. But whatever feelings he had for Remus before, it's changed into pure hatred now. Had Snape been insufferable enough before this, now he's plain nasty. He gets Remus down wherever he can. And Remus doesn't take it easy. He's told me, that Snape is quite okay if you know him better. And he hasn't given up the hope that they'll become friends again. I think that Remus is wrong. The Snapes are an old wizarding family. I'm sure that the old and misguided prejudices about werewolves are buried deep inside his thoughts. He's Slytherin and even more distrustful than Remus. He'll think that Remus has led him into this trap. And he'll never forgive him. If he could only know how wrong he is!
Our efforts to become Animagi are making progress. Now that Remus is involved, everything is much easier. Time and again it's astounding how much this boy knows. And if he doesn't know something, he's got the intuition to search where the info is to be found. For example he has found some ingredients for a potion we thought to be plants in a book about minerals. I would never have searched there!
Since Remus and I have talked, his behaviour towards me has changed a lot. He has stopped trying to avoid being touched by me. In the past he winced if I only tapped him on the shoulder, today he grabs my elbow to make a point. The other day he fell asleep next to me on the couch in the common room. He slumped to the side until his head was resting on my shoulder. He actually started to cuddle! There were so many thoughts rushing through my head that I ignored Sirius' comments about the situation. Remus trusts me!, I thought again and again. Finally he trusts me. When he woke up, he blushed, but he continued to lean on me. I'm so glad he's back!~~
It's past midnight, but I have to write this down before I forget it. I just dreamt something very strange.
Remus' body is covered with scars where the wolf bit him. I knew about these scars before, but I first saw them yesterday. I never noticed before that Remus never changes his clothes or showers when someone else is around. But yesterday he overslept and, after hesitating shortly, went to the showers with me. Normally he's the first to rise, long before anyone of us is able to open his eyes and wake up completely. Yesterday morning, I saw those scars for the first time, and they are really ugly.
And, just now I dreamt of Remus standing before me. I touched every scar and they vanished. Every single one but the one of the original bite. I tried again and again, but it didn't work. Finally Remus caught my hands and held me. He felt so warm and comforting, so.... present! Then I woke up. Now I'm so restless I can't go to sleep again. I want to see Remus' scars vanish. And I want him to hold me. What do I make out of this dream?~~
The dream has come again and again. And it becomes clearer. Despite the fact that I saw Remus only the one time, I know the map of his scars in every detail. And I have the feeling that the dream is somehow incomplete. I wake up when Remus holds me, but there's more to it, I'm sure!
If the finals weren't so near and we didn't have to learn so much, we would try the transformation into Animagi now. However, the way things are going, it looks as if we have to postpone the date to the next term. I can't wait for it! If I can't heal Remus' bodily scars, I can soon help heal his mental ones!~~
Holidays. And, again, no news from Remus. I miss him. Sirius writes almost every day and even Peter has sent me a card.
I still dream of Remus. And last night I finally dreamt more. But I don't know what I should think of it. Remus held me, as he always did. But then he looked at me and kissed me. Ever so slightly on the mouth. And then I woke up. Has that any meaning? And if so, what could it possibly be?~~
This is what I call coincidence. Lily Evans and her family are spending their holidays down in the village. I met them on a hike. Lily is so glad she met me, as her days would be very frustrating and boring otherwise, she said. Having met her sister, I can imagine that very well! She turned up her nose at me as if I were the very worst scum. It would seem that she doesn't like witches and wizards very much.
Lily has convinced her parents that she can stay with me and my mother. Looks like her parents are glad to not have two eternally fighting sisters over their holidays! And I'm glad about some company, too. For a girl, Lily is really okay.
Still no news from Remus.~~
I know this went pretty fast, but Lily and I have a date this weekend! Sirius rolls his eyes whenever he sees us. Remus seems to be happy with us. But nevertheless I feel guilty. I still dream about him. And about this kiss. But whenever I'm with Lily, the memory of the dream vanishes. Only when I'm lying alone in my bed at night and have the time to think (if I can think with Sirius and Peter having a snoring-contest), I think about Remus. I swore to be there for _him_. But Lily takes so much of my time that have the feeling that I neglect him.
However, that will be over soon! Next week we'll start the first try. James Potter, Animagus! I like the sound of that!~~
It worked! We really made it! Even Peter transformed. We are Animagi! Remus is beyond words. He was near tears when we stood in front of him as a stag, a dog and a rat. It's funny, being a stag. These antlers are rather heavy and to control four legs is not nearly as easy as I thought it to be! But we've made it!
As a stag I will be strong enough to cope with a werewolf if I have to keep him in check. Sirius as a dog will have his fun with Remus. I can see him planning how he can use his new body to play pranks.
Full moon is in two weeks. Then we'll know if a werewolf sees Animagi as humans or not.~~
Last night we walked down to Hogsmeade and waited outside the Shrieking Shack for Remus to transform. We could hear him howling inside his prison. No wonder that the people think of the Shack as being jinxed. The wolf could smell us humans through the nailed windows and scratched at the planks. When we transformed, he calmed down. Looks as if it works! Sirius wanted to race to the Whomping Willow and visit Remus right there and then, but I thought we should wait and hear what he has to say about it.
At the moment he's still at the hospital wing, as he is every morning after the full moon. He doesn't want us to visit him there. He looks so fragile and pale and tired and _old_ then and he hates it. He hates not to be able to control his body. He doesn't want us to see him like that. He doesn't want pity. I hope he will feel better once we are there to keep him company at the full moon.~~
Remus is back. He looks tired, but he's beaming. He says that the wolf didn't recognize us as humans! That it had worked! He was near tears when he told us. I can't imagine what this news has to mean for him. He hugged me in such joy. It's embarrassing, but it felt so much like my dreams that I waited for him to kiss me. When I noticed that this was real, I must have stiffened, because Remus suddenly let go of me and threw me a funny glance. What if he suspects something? God, that would be embarrassing.~~
Slowly I become worried. These dreams about Remus take frightening shapes lately. I'm no longer using my hands to make his scars vanish, I kiss them away. And what comes after the kiss..... It's embarrassing to write it down, but.... we make love. It's incredible and feels so real! And so good! But I'm with Lily! We have kissed and have, uhm, done something more, too. But then why am I dreaming of Remus and not of her?~~
Another full moon over. I see Remus with different eyes now. To see him as the wolf is both scary and fascinating at the same time. In his human form, I encounter again and again gestures or movements he has copied from his wolf-being. I don't think he knows it. The lurking when Sirius is planning something. Or how he curls up to sleep, either in a chair in the common room, or under his covers. The way he bares his teeth when somebody or something scares him. Or the elegant prowl in his walk. Like a beast of prey.
Remus looks so fragile and vulnerable that one hardly notices these strengths. But they are the fascinating thing about him, somehow anachronistic or irritating. Unconsciously, one notices that there is more behind Remus' façade, something wild and deep. I catch myself watching Remus more and more often.
Remus the wolf is another story. I can't call him anything else but beautiful. Moony, which is what we called the werewolf, is quite large for a wolf. Very different from what one would expect from the quite small Remus. He has light brown fur, much like Remus' human hair, and it's so thick that it sticks out from his neck like a collar. I wish I could touch him with my human hands and find out if it is as soft as it looks.
Moony is very happy to see us when we visit him. Remus won't have us near when he transforms. Moony plays with Sirius, who lately insists on being called 'Padfoot'. Peter he calls 'Wormtail'. That has caused some funny looks from the female Gryffindors! If they only knew! Moony respects my antlers a lot. He ignores Peter. Thank God, I might add, because I read somewhere that wolves eat rats. And I pray that Peter will never find out about that!
Sirius has made a sketch of Moony from his memory and showed it to Remus. Remus has no idea how he looks like as a wolf, and Sirius' drawing is quite good. He has caught exactly what makes Moony Moony. Remus is very quiet now. As I write this he's sitting on his bed and looking at the drawing. I wish I knew what he's thinking right now.~~
A wonder has happened! Peter has a girlfriend! A Hufflepuff named Rita. Sirius is besieged by women. Even some of the Seventh years dream of him! I'm worried when I see him alone somewhere. Lily and I, well, we have taken the last step. I love her. We are dating not even a year now, but I can't imagine a life without her.
And Remus? Well.....Remus is still single. Lily says there are rumours among the female Gryffindors that he isn't interested in girls. It's not as if he sends a girl packing if she's interested in him. He just doesn't let her come that near to him. He talks to her. He helps her and is polite and nice, but he just doesn't react on any moves she might make. Lily reports about many a broken heart because of that.
I wonder if there's something in that rumour? I don't dare ask him. I am not afraid that he will be mad at me or call me nuts because of it. I am afraid of my dreams. If Remus really _is_ interested in men, my dream comes too close. I don't think I could bear that.~~
Lily knows. Remus has told her spontaneously what's wrong with him, what he is. I wasn't with them, none of us were. Remus simply told us at breakfast that Lily knows about his 'disease'. I have to say that my chin figuratively hit the ground.
Lily took it very calmly. I don't know if it is because she's muggle-born and didn't grow up with the horror stories about werewolves or because she really likes Remus. She doesn't treat him any different than before. Well, other than that she started to mother him. This afternoon she slapped Snape hard because he tried to provoke Remus.
I can see Remus and Lily walking around the lake (I'm sitting at the window of the common room) and discussing something. Remus is waving his arms wildly. I glad Lily is now part of this. That Remus has another person who accepts him as he is.~~
Tomorrow we start our holidays. From tomorrow on, I won't see Remus for two long months. Somehow I'm already missing him.
Lily told me this morning what's wrong with Remus and the women. When Sirius said goodbye to his harem this morning, Remus nearly fled the room. Lily noticed my questioning look and took me for a walk.
Remus isn't gay. That much is clear. But he stays away from women because he's afraid to fall in love. Because he's afraid of a relationship and what would happen then. Lycanthropy is hereditary. Remus would never risk having sex with a woman. Therefore, he won't let any girl come near him. That shocked me to the core. As if Remus' life wasn't hard enough already! How horrible must it be to be afraid of love? I know that Remus craves to be loved. And now this!
What shocked me nearly as much was that he has talked to Lily about that. Not to me. Lily explained that he feels safe with her. She's mine. She's not in danger. He's not in danger. He can allow her to love him and to understand him, because she's mine. Because she already loves me. Will he accept that I love him, too? If only there weren't these damned holidays! There is no time to talk about all this! Tomorrow we'll enter the Hogwarts Express and then he'll be gone!~~
Finally Remus is back. Lily spent her holidays with me. Sirius was on tour with his dad. And Remus was alone at home, as always. If there would only be a way to get him out of there! But nevertheless..... We are together again. That's all that counts.~~
Something terrible happened. We were outside with Moony. I don't know who was out there besides us that night, but Moony smelled somebody. He just ran away. We tried to stop him, but we only succeeded after I hurt him with my antlers. And I hurt him rather badly. When the sun rose, I instantly ran up to the hospital wing.
Remus has a deep cut at his side where I hit him. Madame Pomfrey was very puzzled about how he got that injury. But Remus didn't say anything, of course not. I dream about making Remus' scars vanish and now I add one to his collection!
Remus has tried to comfort me. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't stopped him. He's right, but I feel miserable about it. I'm so sorry!~~
Now I'm all alone. My mother died a few weeks ago. She had a cold and it became pneumonia. The healers weren't able to help her. I think she was glad to go at last. She missed my dad so much! Lily and Remus have helped me in my coping. Remus is simply present. And Lily is my support. She's my family now.
There's something else. Remus again held me like he did last time, when my father died. But this time I took advantage of it. I feel ashamed of it, but I long for his nearness. When all the others are asleep, I crawl over into his bed so he can hold me. He thinks that I only need his comfort because I'm all alone now, but that's not true. I need him. His nearness, his warmth. His hands that hold me tight. I need the sensation of his breath on my skin. My body betrays me, but so far I have managed to hide my erection from him. It's dangerous, but I feel like an addict. I love Lily, but I love Remus, too. Is that wrong?~~
Our last year in Hogwarts. I'm here again. I spent the holidays at Sirius'. Lily wanted to invite me to her family, but it didn't work. For Remus, these were the last days with his family. He told us that he won't go back to his parents. What he'll be doing after graduation next summer he doesn't know yet, but he thinks there will be something for him.
I have him near me now. But at the same time, I miss him. I can't go back to sleep in his bed now. And I still am not able to tell him what I feel. I know exactly how he will react. He would say that he would never stand between me and Lily. He would reject me. No matter how much my love would mean to him. If it would mean something to him at all. It would not work. And Lily. I think she would understand. She would accept it. Because she loves Remus, too. She would do everything to make him happy, even if that would mean to share me with him.
But Remus would never allow that. No, he mustn't know anything about my feelings. He would blame himself that I feel this way. He would see himself as a rival for Lily and steer clear of me. No, he must never know about this!~~
Lily and I are engaged! In summer, shortly after our graduation we'll marry! I'm the happiest man alive! We are planning so many things now. Much too soon, I know, but better now than when it is too late. We will marry!!!~~
That's it. Our time in Howarts is over. Lily and I will marry July 15th. Sirius and Remus will rent a small flat. Sirius wants to become an auror. Remus has told us that he will work for the Ministry with Dumbledore as his superior! It's all about research assignments and stuff like that. I'm so glad Remus has Albus Dumbledore to stand behind him!
I will work for the Ministry as well. As best of our year, the Minister has personally offered me to have a look at all the Ministry's sectors and decide then where I want to work. Lily is going to help me.
I still dream of Remus...~~
James and Lily Potter! Lily and I are married! Finally! We're one! We moved to Godric's Hollow, the old house of my ancestors. It's chaotic right now, but I'm so happy that I would be satisfied to have a tent in a desert if I only have Lily with me.
There had been some trouble with the marriage, though. Lily suggested Remus act as best man, but Remus, as well as Dumbledore told us, that a werewolf isn't authorized to give evidence of any kind, be it as best man, in court, or anything else that is involved with the legal system.
There's no justice in the world! If I manage to work at the juristic branch of the Ministry I'll do away with that stuff, that I promise you, Remus! But Remus felt very honored that we have thought of him. Sirius is now our best man.~~
Lily is pregnant! We're pretty sure it happened on Halloween. I'm going to be a dad! I, James Potter, am becoming a father! I don't believe it!~~
I hate the juristic branch of the Ministry! Since Remus couldn't become our best man, we wanted him to become Godfather to our child. No, said the Ministry. It would be impossible to give our child to a werewolf, should something happen to us! And Remus agrees to that! He and Sirius have trouble enough keeping Moony somewhere safe during the full moon. Damn, isn't there any way we can help Remus?
However, we have done one thing. We are allowing Remus the honor of naming our child. That's a thing nobody can deny him. He says that the child should be named after my father. Harry or Harriet. Lily is enthusiastic about that. Harry Potter. Doesn't sound bad, doesn't it?~~
Harry's here! I am a father! Lily has given birth to him here at Godric's Hollow. And she insisted that I was present. Boy, if men were made to give birth to babies, our species would no longer exist! All that blood! Lily nearly crushed my hand. Whoever says that women are the weaker sex has never been present at a birth! But everything went well and the midwife said it had been rather easy, considering that it was a first-born child. She has room to talk!
Sirius is Godfather and he really gets worked up about it. I wouldn't wonder if he has practiced the sentence "This is Harry, my Godson" in front of the mirror a hundred times.
Remus doesn't make such a big fuss about it. Rather, he beams with an inner light. He is happy with us and helps us wherever he can. Sirius has reported that he has found some books about childcare stashed between Remus' books about Dark Creatures.
Speaking about Dark Creatures, there seems to have been a quarrel between Sirius and Remus. There have been rumours about Voldemort being in England and threatening some important members of the Ministry of Magic. Sirius thinks we are in danger, too. As if I were an important member of the Ministry! Okay, I've risen up the ladder there, but I'm not so important. I fight Voldemort, but who doesn't? Despite his followers, of course.
Sirius insists on us being in danger, that there is a traitor running loose. Remus is studying the Dark Arts intensively at Dumbledore's orders, for sure, so that he is prepared for whatever Voldemort might throw at us. But it looks like Sirius suspects Remus to be the traitor. I have never heard something as absurd as that. Remus would never do something that would endanger Harry, Lily or me. Sirius sees spectres.~~