I'm probably going to get a lot of angry reviews for this...

Just to be clear, this is not meant to be an insult to anyone in particular or even a group. It's just voicing my opinion and pointing out some of the common qualities quite a few really bad Zelda fics have in abundance. I'm not trying to offend anyone with this-it's not even really a rant. More like an idea dump, which I guess is a rant in a way.

Also, this is a crackfic and/or a parody fic. Most things are intended to not make sense. That's what a crackfic is.

'Sigh'. Whatever. Just please don't flame me and I'll live and let live. I just want this out of my system and thought that this was a funny way to do it.

I don't own Zelda, because if I did I'd be giving people a Majora's Mask remake just to get them to shut the hell up about it. Eiji Aunoma and/or his bosses at Nintendo have that remarkable privilege.

Link yawned, pulling his cap down over his eyes as he stretched, the warm-but-not overbearingly hot sun beating down upon his brow. He scrunched up against the inexplicably isolated tree in the middle of Hyrule Field, and for some reason Epona wasn't with him. Maybe he'd decided that rolling everywhere sounded fun.

Whatever the case, he was alone, sitting against this dead, leafless tree, Lon Lon Ranch peeking at him over the horizon. Isolated. Solitary.

Did he mention he was alone? Link thought he did, but the Hero of Time wasn't sure. For some reason, he felt like repeating the same vocabulary in his head today. The heat might've been getting to him. He shifted to the other side of the tree, allowing it to cast its shadow over him.

Zelda had clearly sent him back in time after sealing Ganondorf away in the Suddenly-named-Evil-Realm (to be honest, the game developers didn't really seem to care at the time what it was called. It was 1998, which was most definitely the pinnacle of gaming storytelling and consistency). Link had not killed him, as the Gerudo's final, futile words clearly indicated. Despite all this, for some reason, the Hero chosen by the Master Sword was walking freely about Hyrule Field, with the entire populace aware of his actions in the one-man war. Which it most certainly was, considering the whole thing stemmed from the incompetence of literally every guard in Hyrule.

Link recalled how he'd sneaked past them in his younger years, stupefied as he literally stood right behind them, swinging his sword and shouting without alerting a single one. He was even more surprised when he found that the Hyrule Castle guards seemed immune to weapons, as none of his, whether they be bombs, a sword, or slingshot pellets, made them move an inch.

How, by the Seven Sages and the Goddesses that appointed them, could Ganondorf conquer a kingdom safeguarded by invincible soldiers? By tying them up for seven years, considering how deaf and blind they all seemed to be?

That was besides the point, Link mused, as his thoughts returned to his other set of recollections. Despite everything the Princess had done, for some reason or another Link had been transported to a world where everyone knew of his actions. And so it came as no surprise to him when Anju, or, rather, the Cucco Lady who everyone knows as the innkeeper in an alternate world where her husband is turned into a child, came running up to him.

Her beautiful scarf trailed behind her, while her beautiful breasts heaved with every jogging movement and her beautiful face adopted a look of beautiful terror.

He had no time to wonder, for miss Anju "I'm-allergic-to-cuccos-but-for-some-reason-take-care-of-them-why-I-don't-know-why-is-my-brother-a-depressed-antisocial mohawk-man" opened her beautiful mouth and uttered forth beautiful words.

"Link! Hero of Time who I'm not supposed to know did anything of value, unless he told me and I trusted a man that dresses like a forest kid! Dark Link, who I apparently know by name, is attacking Kakariko Village for some reason! Please! Save my cuccos that do nothing but murder you if you so much as tap them!"

The Bearer of the Triforce of Courage hefted his Master Sword, and also drew the Master Sword from its sheathe. He still had it for some reason, even though if he was sent back to before he got it he technically would've never gotten it...

In any case, it took only a few minutes of overhead rolling behind Anju's beautiful dress before he had arrived in Kakariko Village and found himself face-to-red eyes with Dark Link, who apparently now had white skin even though he was just a physical representation of a silhouette. Upon viewing Dark Link, Link felt his Master Sword that was previously pointed skyward harden even more, and he dropped his metallic Master Sword of inexplicable possession and began to speak. His vocal cords were raw with constant shouting, but the sight of Dark Link somehow returned the power to speak to his person, even though he had never lost it.

Anju was now (beautifully) chasing her cuccos, who were flying around in a panic, slaughtering anyone fortunate enough to get in their way. The head carpenter went down under a pile of squawking definitely-not-chickens, a smile crossing his pudgy features as he was at last freed from this existential nightmare.

Link's eyes flashed, and he crouched, his cat-like instincts prompting him to hiss. Like a cat. Since he suddenly had cat-like movements and behaviors.

"Well, if it isn't Dark Link, whose name is totally not Dark or Shadow or anything! I mean, it's not like Navi didn't tell me your name or anything! Despite the fact that you have no spoken dialogue, no personality, and no vocalizations besides lower-pitched grunts compared to my own, I have decided that you are apparently a massive allegory for my dark side, or maybe my negative emotions manifested by Ganondorf. Or, actually, you might be an ancient god that Ganondorf made a pact with, even though there's exactly no evidence to support that!"

Dark Link's lips turned to a frown, and it began to speak in a raspy voice that rasped through the air like a finger rasping along sandpaper.

"And despite the that fact I'm quite honestly little more than a decent gameplay mechanic that might be the only saving grace of a terrible dungeon, I have suddenly developed feelings for you, even though, as a silhouette, I technically have no gender and no sexuality! The author totally didn't just refer to the fact that we're in a game, by the way, and I totally didn't just reference the author. Because that would be breaking the fourth wall, and this author totally has more class than that. He's also super modest and definitely isn't trying to make sure the readers aren't screaming at him right now. Because if there's one thing that pisses prepubescent girls (who generally have the same grasp of poor writing as Stephanie Meyer) off, it's the sight of two men in a story that aren't in a relationship. Even though I'm not a man."

Link nodded, blushing profusely as profuse hormones profused throughout his body, profusing him with a hot sensation as his Master Sword let out a Skyward Strike that he was totally aware existed. He groaned, thankful that this particular beam of energy only stained clothes and didn't cut through them.

"Yes, that's right! I'm totally hot for Dark or Shadow or whatever you're supposed to be! The fact that you've displayed no emotions or taken any actions besides attempting to kill me obviously means that we're meant to complete each other! I hate to theorize given how many ridiculously over-analytical theories and attempts to create symbolism where none exists have ruined my adventure in an alternate dimension called Termina, but I totally still love you! Even though you might honestly just have been a figment of my imagination given how absurdly poorly designed the dungeon you were in was and how the room completely changed after I killed you. Plus the fact that I apparently killed a shadow. If someone can really kill light, which they totally can because this game series centers around a world where every arachnid has a gigantic eye in the center of their bodies and people hide their life savings in pots. Definitely not a logic jump there."

The shadow given white skin and the ability to speak rushed forward to hug Link, touching him and, obviously, slipping right through the Hero's fingers.

"Let's have hot man-on-refracted-light-created-image sex! I'm totally a physical being despite the fact that I'm a shadow, and definitely have the parts for it even though Ganondorf would have no reason to give me them, if I ever existed at all! Come to me, Hero!"

Link would have initiated hot, lubrication-free anal sex with his suddenly skin-tone-blessed shadow, which totally wouldn't have been prohibitively painful and thoroughly unenjoyable, except for the fact that his flailing meaty Master Sword lightly brushed one of Anju's (beautifully) rampaging cuccos.

Link and Dark Link were devoured by a raging horde of birds, and before long one cucco, King Cock, rose above them all and ruled over Hyrule (renamed Cuccorule) with an iron wing. This turn of events forced Zelda to disguise herself as a man until the day of her death for some reason, forever causing people to confuse a woman disguising herself as a man with actually being one.

I'm so sorry about this. I truly am. Sorta.