Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!

Chapter 1

It had been tough five months for Lieutenant Matthey Casey. He still remembered vividly the day one great woman had lost her life, the day when one of his dearest friends had died, and another had become a dead man walking. Nothing had been right since then and he felt like things were getting even worse, having to watch day after day Kelly fall apart...He had to be there for Gabby too, who was grieving thousand times more than she was actually showing. She hadn't said a word, partly because of Severide, but Matt knew how painful all this had been for her, that she blamed herself for what had happened. So he had had to put his own grief and sadness aside and be there for them since the second his men had taken Shay's lifeless body out of their hands. He'd had to be there for Boden and everyone else in the firehouse, because leaders lead from the front, now more than ever.

***Flashback***

They lowered Shay's lifeless body on the ground in front of the exploded building and silently watched as Rafferty and another paramedic tried their best to bring Leslie Shay back to life. Another ambulance had just left, taking Mills to the hospital. Boden was staying there, next to Matt, like frozen, muttering prayers. It was a complete chaos, people were in shock, some of them crying, having already realized that they had just lost one of their own. More ambulances and Trucks were arriving, together with people from the headquarters who were there to assess the damage.

"Stop..." They heard the shacking voice of Rafferty, tears falling down her face as she ordered her partner to stop the CPR. She couldn't believe it. The shift had been going so well, her new partner being a nice guy and she just loved every second spent with him. They had stopped for coffee, laughed for a bit at another guy, and then...the call. Explosion, firehouse Fifty-one, possible casualties, people carrying Shay's body out. "Time of death..."

That was the moment Matt stopped listening and watched as Gabby walked out of the collapsed building supported by two other firefighters, covered in dust and tears. The second they let her go, Dawson collapsed on the ground, kneeling besides the dead body, ordering her best friend to wake up over and over again.

"Gabby!" Matt approached her gently.

"Where's...where's Severide?" Capp asked, suppressing a wave of tears. Casey looked around trying to locate Kelly, without any luck. His eyes stopped at Antonio and Erin, storming out of a police car, running towards them. He noticed the tiny bit of relief that went through Antonio's face after he saw his sister safe and sound, probably having been told that a paramedic from Fifty-one was down...

"Gabby...shhh Gabby..." Antonio wrapped his sister into a tight hug, before looking at Casey, questioning.

"Shay." He uttered. "I have to find Severide." He exclaimed, shooting a glance at Boden. Matt put his helmet on and ran back inside the building, followed by Erin, and no one had the will- or physical power to stop them from going back there.

"Severide!" Casey yelled but there was no answer. "Kelly!" He tried again.

"Up here!" Another unfamiliar voice replied, and the two of them ran upstairs, to the exact place where it had all happened. There were two firefighters from another house, kneeling beside the Squad's Lieutenant, trying to talk him into leaving the building already. Kelly hadn't moved an inch since they had taken Shay out and. no one could imagine what was going through his head. His face was pale, his body trembling, and it was like his mind was somewhere else.

"Kelly, listen to me, you need to come out with me." Erin said gently, having realized that Casey also wasn't in a state where he could provide the support needed. He was trying, yes, but he wasn't less shaken than everyone else. "You hear me?" She tried again, but Kelly remained unresponsive. "Guys, help me out here, let's take him outside." Erin demanded, one hand grabbing Severide's arm. With the help of two other strong hands they practically dragged the Squad's Lieutenant out to an ambulance.

"Shay! Shay!" Kelly yelled just after Erin helped him sit down. He tried standing up, but two hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him down. "Where is she? Shay? I wanna see her!"

"Kelly, please, calm down."

"No! I wanna see Shay! Shaaay?"

"She...she didn't make it. I'm so sorry Kelly." Erin made herself say the words that broke his heart into tiny pieces that no one knew how to put back together. "I'm sorry." She whispered again and wrapped him into a hug. She knew that there was nothing she could do or say to fix this, to stop the pain all these people were feeling.

***End of flashback***

It was four in the morning and he had to get up and go to work soon, but Casey just couldn't fall asleep. His mind was occupied with worrying about Kelly who hadn't come home again the previous night. Actually, Matt could count on one hand the times his friend had actually slept in the guest bedroom ever since he had made him stay with them in their new apartment. Instead, Kelly had been drowning his sorrows in huge amounts of alcohol and Matt was amazed how his friend was managing to live through his shifts. Matt knew about the unproductive conversation Boden had had with Severide two shifts earlier. He also had realized that the talk, or monologue, he had had with him on the next shift hadn't had any success. He had been surprised to find out that Kelly had picked up another shift after theirs, but had thought that it had been a way for his friend to avoid drinking this time. Matt had spent the day home, waiting for Kelly to come back after the second shift to try to actually get some words out of him, but that had never happened.

"What is it baby?" Gabby asked gently, having been awoken by Matt who had gone to the guest room for a third time that night to check if Kelly was home.

"I...I don't know what to do anymore. Thought I managed to get some sense into him, but there he's again, out, probably drunk." Casey spit bitterly, the source of his angst being the fact that he had no idea what to do. "He just doesn't listen to anyone."

"There was one person..." Gabby mumbled, shutting up after realizing what she was about to say. Yes, there had been one person in this world who Kelly Severide trusted and listened to and this person was gone, forever. "Shay could always get through to him.",she smiled, sad.

"Yeah."

At 7am Kelly was awoken by his alarm clock. He opened his eyes, needing a couple of minutes to focus and see that he had managed to crawl back into his quarters in the firehouse after having 6 tequilas and something he didn't quite well remembered the previous night. He felt so hangover that the second he opened his eyes, the bright light around gave him terrible pain in the head. He felt dizzy but somehow managed to stop himself from throwing up. Unfortunately, there was no way he could hide that he was looking and feeling like crap. Just before people from his shift started coming, he made his way to the bathroom and took a long, refreshing shower. When he finally managed to make his way to his locker and was about to put on a new clean Squad shirt, Boden walked in.

"Morning." Chief said, getting ready to change his shirt. He had already had a good look at his Lieutenant and hadn't liked what he had seen.

"Morning." Kelly murmured in response, trying to get ready and disappear as quickly as possible.

"Have you seen yourself in a mirror today, Severide?" Boden questioned as Kelly was making his way out of his sight.

"Hate mirrors..." Kelly muttered, slamming the door of his locker shut.

"Well let me tell you then, you look like hell." Chief was losing his patience. Truthfully said, he knew how Kelly was feeling. He himself still couldn't get over losing one of their own, a family member, but he had Dona to be there for him during the sleepless nights. With Kelly, it was different. Shay had been Kelly's family, the one to be there when things went wrong. Shay had been the one to help him overcome Andy's loss, the only one Kelly fully trusted to, the only one he listened to. Their bond had been beyond friendship, beyond anything known to humanity. They had sincerely loved each other, not in terms of being a couple kind of thing, but just being there for each other, always, no matter what. Boden remembered the few days after the tragedy, just after the funeral:

***Flashback***

An hour had passed since Shay's funeral had officially finished. Many people had come to say their last goodbyes to such an amazing person as Lesley Shay, bringing flowers, and sharing their memories of moments with her.

It was starting to rain slightly, most people already had headed home. The only one still standing by Shay's grave was Kelly, kneeling there, touching the stone that had her name written on with one hand, allowing a stream of tears to fall down his cheeks. He still couldn't believe this, it all had just been a nightmare in his head, but the funeral was now over and it all had started to look real...She was gone, gone...There wasn't a chance that he would wake up, go downstairs and have breakfast with her. No. She was gone. Gone. Kelly had spent the three days before the funeral locked in his apartment in the company of many bottles of vodka, not wanting to be around anybody. People had tried reaching out to him multiple times, but all he had done had been to pretend he hadn't been home. Erin had stopped by his place twice a day, Matt and Boden had tried talking with him many times, Herrmann and Cruz had been there twice. It had been extremely hard for all of them, but they knew it had been countless times harder for Kelly.

"Hey buddy, let's get you home." Herrmann said softly, kneeling besides Severide, looking at the stone saying Leslie Shay. His heart sank for a countless time in the last few days when Kelly turned his head to look at him, his eyes wet and empty, as if belonging to a ghost.

"No...I'm not living without her." Kelly barely got the strength to reply. Boden looked at them, trying to suppress his own tears and provide some sort of support to his man. Casey was trying desperately to suite Dawson.

"She'll always be here, with us." Herrmann touched his heart with one hand, wiping out his tears with the other. "You know what, let's go to Molly's, all of us, for Shay. God, she loved spending time there."

Truthfully, Boden didn't remember how they had managed to reach Molly's. He didn't really want to remember those days, just like he had been trying to forget the days after Darden's death. Loosing people was always hard, but when they were like family, it was million times harder.

"Casey, listen, Severide can't stay alone..." Chief overheard Herrmann. "He's a total wreck."

"I have a spare bedroom." Matt replied reluctantly, not sure whether he could support Kelly and Gabby at the same time, in the same apartment. He looked at the corner of the room where Kelly had stood for the last hour, but the table was empty. "Where is he?"

"He hasn't moved since we came." Cruz answered instead of Herrmann, having not looked at the Squad Lieutenant for a while.

"He's gone." Herrmann's scared voice frightened them all. It was true, Kelly was nowhere to be seen.

"Crap." Casey cursed, dialing his mobile, but it went straight to voice mail. That had been the last time they had seen Kelly for 5 weeks. No one knew where he had gone, or if he was even going to come back to them.

Boden remembered the relief he had felt after Casey had called one morning, telling him he had found Severide in one piece near some God forsaken lake. Chief had even felt a wave of happiness when his Lieutenant had finally returned to fifty-one six weeks after the tragedy, but his happiness had quickly been replaced with more worry with Kelly, after seeing that he was still the wreck from six weeks earlier, doing a dangerous job.

***End of flashback***

"I feel perfectly fine, Chief." Kelly lied just as Casey, Gabby and Otis joined them in the locker room.

"You know what, Kelly, I'm starting to think that you don't like my spare bedroom." Matt attempted a joke, a joke that was meant to provoke some sort of an honest response, outburst even.

"Thought you two might need some time alone." Severide said, referring to Matt and Dawson. Boden shook his head, not bothering to hide how annoyed with Kelly's behaviour he was.

"Don't you think it's time you stopped pretending that...that she isn't dead?" Dawson suddenly asked. The truth was, she was still waking up every morning, thinking that she would ride in the ambo next to her best friend, laughing at Shay's jokes, going to Molly's afterwards. But quickly after opening her eyes, she would realize that this would never happen again and it had all been just a dream, beautiful dream.

"Don't go there!" Kelly barked icily, his eyes watering. Not wanting to stand there and be criticized anymore, he stormed out the locker room, straight to his quarters, locking the door behind. There, on his desk, was a photo of him, kissing the back of Shay's head on a cold night out, the same photo that had been in their apartment for years to illustrate their friendship. Taking the photo in his hands, he just let the tears fall.

"Casey, a word, in my office." Boden ordered just after Kelly left and Matt followed. "This..." Chief exclaimed, making sure to close the door. "Can't continue any longer! Severide is turning into a danger for everyone in this firehouse!"

"Chief." Matt sighed. "You know that the only thing keeping him from falling apart is this job. You take away his squad, I don't even wanna think of what's gonna happen."

"I know!" Boden exclaimed, feeling lost. "But I have to protect all of my people and right now I've no idea how to do it without losing Kelly."

"I get it." Matt admitted, feeling the same. "Just give him some more time, I'll talk to him again after shift." He remembered promising Kelly to take care of him at the hospital, just after the building collapse.

***Flashback***

"With some rehab, he'll be back on full duty in about six-seven weeks." A doctor kindly explained Peter's condition to the men and woman from the firehouse who were waiting to hear news on Mills in the waiting room of Chicago Med. Donna, Platt, Herrmann's wife, Mills family, Antonio and Erin were all there. Everyone had been examined after the explosion to be declared in good health, but now they were all waiting to hear news about their fallen brother, having just lost one of their own.

Kelly was sitting on the floor, in the corner of the room, curled into a ball, his back leaning against the wall. He hadn't heard anything of what the doctor had just said besides the word okay, and honestly, he didn't want to hear anything. The past few hours were a blur in his head, but he knew one thing, a thing he wished he could forget - Leslie Shay, his best friend, was gone.

"Did anyone tell Mills..." But Cruz stopped in the middle of the sentence, unable to say the words out loud. They still couldn't grasp the events from earlier. It couldn't be true. They were still hurting after the loss of Darden, and now...now another member of their family had fallen. "I'll do it." He declared, heading for the corridor where Mills room was.

Matt followed Erin's concerned eyes that she fixed on Kelly. He hadn't moved an inch in the past hour, having given the doctors a hard time examining him. Nobody was used to seeing their Lieutenant so weak and desperate, not even after Darden. That day, Shay had suppressed her grief in order to be there and help her best friend. She had taken him home, she had been near his bed when he had had nightmares, wondering whether he could have vented the roof.

"Casey, I'll take Gabby home, I've already called mum." Antonio mumbled. Casey got the hidden message - he had to be there for Kelly. He knew Gabby needed him as well, but her mum and whole family could do more for her than him. Matt took deep breath and knelled in front of his friend, hoping to get some sort of a response.

"Let's go to my apartment, I have a spare room." He whispered, trying to keep what he was about to say private. "There is nothing we can do here." Matt added when Kelly didn't make the effort to respond. He couldn't just leave, couldn't go without her. Leaving would mean that it wasn't all just some sort of a nasty joke, would mean that she wouldn't come out of nowhere laughing at her own prank.

"No..." Matt could barely hear Kelly's desperate voice. "She would...she would..." He sobbed, head still buried into his hands. "I need her to...come back."

"I know...but she isn't coming back." Casey knew it was harsh to say it, but somebody had to. He had to put some effort to hide the tears in his own eyes from Kelly.

"No...no...She's everything I have..."

"You have me...us!" Matt looked at the people around them. "I'm here for you...we'll get through this, together!"

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Hi everyone! This is my first Chicago Fire story, even though I've been a fan since the beginning. The story will focus on how Kelly deals with Shay's death, sometimes basing on moments from season 3 and filling in some gaps.