It was a beautiful day for a wedding. The sun shined brighter than any other day, the birds sang their peaceful tune and, Saucy Bladder was preparing for the most important day of his life. As he straightened his tie in the mirror the best man came bursting through the door.
"Saucy! It's awful, your fiance and the bridesmaids have been kidnapped by genetically mutated eight foot tall lab rats!" said the best man.
"Shit!" exclaimed Saucy as he did a gesture where he looked down into his hands. "Which way did they go?" Saucy asked.
"Over there." Said the best man as he barely waved his arm.
"Okay, wait here with the rest of the wedding until I get back with them." said Saucy then he jumped out the window in the direction the best man indicated.
After walking through the forest for a few days Saucy arrived to a large city. He stopped the first passer by to ask him where he was. The passer by answered "Kelp Town". Saucy was awe struck; he could not believe he had found his way to the world's largest city. As he walked the streets he passed a bar. Saucy decided it would be the best place to ask for information on the kidnapping.
Saucy approached the bartender to ask "Hello, you wouldn't happen to know anything about a gang of genetically mutated lab rats would you?"
"You're going to have to be more specific" said the bartender.
"They were eight feet tall." said Saucy.
"Ah, The Rat Pack. They're a dangerous bunch."
"Do you know a mercenary that would go against them?"
"I only know of one crazy enough." The bartender then wrote an address on a bar napkin and handed it to Saucy.
Saucy followed it and found a little house in the city. Saucy knocked on the door and after some shuffling noises behind the door a tall man answered.
He was bald with a long brown beard that hid his mouth. On his head and arms were tattoos that looked Celtic. He wore leather armor with many pouches that Saucy assumed he made himself. His gauntlets were made from metal and made his hands look twice as large but he wore no shoes. He had weapons strapped all over his body. Also to note was how hairy his arms and feet were.
"I heard I could hire you as a mercenary." Saucy said meekly.
"That you can lad, for three hundred dollars." answered the bearded behemoth.
"Can I borrow your gun?" Saucy asked.
"Sure you can." Said the mercenary as he handed the gun.
Saucy pointed the gun to the man's head and said "Give me three hundred dollars."
"Okay lad." said the hired man as he pulled out his chain mail wallet (that had a beard) and gave saucy the money.
Saucy gave him the gun back, saying thanks, and then paid the mercenary the money saying "Here you are."
"Thank you lad" replied the bearded folk.
"I'm Saucy Bladder, what do I call you?" said Saucy.
"My name is Throbbing Dick but, some folk call me Erect Cock." Replied Throbbing Dick
"Okay the group I need your help to hunt down are The Rat Pack."
"The Rat Pack! It's about time someone set those bastards straight!" exclaimed Throbbing Dick. "Follow me to my garage."
Saucy thought that they were going to get his car but when the garage door opened there was no car but, in place there was a battle ax the size of a car.
"There she is" Said Throbbing as he lifted it up and strapped it to his back. "Okay, let's find us a Rat Pack."
The Rat Pack lived in a giant block of cheese. The cheese could grow back where holes had been made and the only way to enter was to eat your way into it; so only the toughest of rats could enter. Throbbing had explained this to Saucy on their way there. Luckily the rat pack was standing only idle to their base and not in it; if they were in it the follow scene would most likely never happen. The scene I am referring to is this.
Get this: The second Throbbing Dick saw the Rat Pack he jumped into the air. How far? far enough that Saucy couldn't see him anymore. When he came back into orbit the pavement was ripped from the earth creating a crater where the Rat Pack was standing. Lucky for Saucy he wasn't standing too close because this impact would have killed a normal man but, the Rat Pack were mutants so they survived.I know what you're wondering and to calm you down I'll answer this now The Bride and her Bridesmaids were not here so they were not killed. Now back to the fighting while I was saying this Throbbing had killed about 4 of them and was currently decapitating a fifth. Next he grabbed two of them and pinned them down with his legs and grabbed the last in a choke hold. He asked where the girls were. To which the rat in his hands responded "we sold them".
"To whom?" Throbbing asked.
"It's in that recite book over there" Cried the rat. Throbbing threw the rats into the bay 3 blocks over. Saucy looked at the book and Throbbing watched on. The records were surprisingly well kept for evil gangster rat mutants.
"It seems they sold each of them to different individuals, for what I dare not think" said Saucy.
"Then let me think for you" responded Throbbing Dick, "Now the obvious thing to think is sex slave but, also there could be some psycho that tortures them. Then it could be like some kind of-"
"Thank you, Throbbing." interrupted Saucy, "Now the first Bridesmaid is Sarah, she was sold to a Mr. Moneybags. Well let's go"
"I'm afraid I can't my lad. My adventure ends today." responded Throbbing.
"What, why?" responded Saucy.
"Ever since I was a young boy it was my dream to hunt down a never ending block of cheese and today I found it. I can rest now." and with that Throbbing Dick climbed atop the block of cheese and began eating.
"I understand perfectly Throbbing but I can't do this on my own." said Saucy
"Yes you can." responded Throbbing "I saw you bravery as you watched me kill the rodent abominations of nature. But if you truly ever find yourself in trouble use this." with that Dick threw Saucy a satellite phone.
"Thank you Throbbing Dick, I will never forget you" said Saucy and he ran off.