Author's note: Pearl Harbor on the Jerry Springer Show.
Disclaimer: You all know who you are.
Jerry: Hello I'm Jerry Springer and today "Sweetie I'm having your best friends baby" our first guest is Evelyn Stewart, a young nurse from Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Come on out.
Evelyn enters.
Jerry: So Ev what's the story?
Evelyn: Okay, well I was dating this really cute pilot and all but he wouldn't bleep me and that totally pissed me off. So he went to England and "died". Well see he had this really; really, hot friend who had this huge crush on me. And well I really loved this other pilot but his friend was willing to have sex with me so… I did.
Audience gasps.
Evelyn: And then my pilot boyfriend comes back…alive! And I'm pregnant!
Jerry: Hence the name of today's show.
Evelyn: No bleep! Anyway they were supposed to go on some mission so I could fairly choose who I would be with you know, who ever comes back alive. But instead we're here. Wait has anybody ever died on your show?
Jerry: Um, no.
Evelyn: Damnit!
Jerry: Ok let's bring out your pilot boyfriend, Rafe McCawley come on out.
Rafe enters.
Jerry: Ok um Evelyn why don't you tell Rafe the news.
Evelyn: Um, Rafe, I'm pregnant, with Danny's baby.
Rafe: What? You bleeping whore! Why the bleep were you sleeping with my bleeping best friend ya little bitch! I thought you bleeping loved me! Some bleeping dream world I've been living with, ya bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and my friend that bleeping bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep I'm gonna kick his bleeping mistake of an ass back to that bleephole called Tennessee!
Evelyn: Well that went well. Hold on wait Rafe (pretends to cry) I love you (sniff, sniff)
Rafe: Shut the bleep up ya little whore!
Jerry: Ok, let's bring out the father, Danny Walker.
Danny enters.
Rafe stands up and kicks his ass, Danny begins to cry and runs away, the security guards bring him back.
Danny: Although Evelyn is a good bleeper, she's all your Rafe, she's such an annoying bitch! Always whining! It pisses me off.
Rafe: No you have her.
Danny: No you!
Rafe: No you!
Danny: No you!
They get into a fight over who suffers into getting her.
Evelyn notices a guy in the audience, hey you, ya wanna go bleep back stage.
He agrees, they exit.
Jerry: for my final thought these people are bleeped up! Join us next time with "No I did not have sex with him in the back of the Buick convertible!
END