Summer nights were so irritating; the sweltering heat flooded, but shade was decidedly absent in the star lit darkness. Their reptilian blood enjoys it, but the human DNA in them screams for a cool drink or a breeze. For the time being, Raphael ignores it and simply cherishes the calm solitude with his brother. Without Mikey or Donnie to be constantly bouncing around or chattering, patrols were relatively serene. Leonardo had his back, and would only strike up a conversation when the moment was right. This was not one of those moments.
Raph was perched on the edge of a building, crouched and relaxed, eyes shut as he wistfully daydreamed about this and that, while his older brother stood beside him on the ledge, watching dutifully over the streets below. He smiled at the contented sigh Leo gave off when he'd determined that it was all clear - Raph had insisted it was a peaceful night, but Leo just wouldn't have it - and began rocking on his heels and humming. After about two minutes, Raph had worked out that he was murmuring "The Wonder Of You", and smiled just that little bit more. While half hoping he would start singing - he only liked to do that when he was alone with Raphael - Leo went quiet, and after a moment he cleared his throat. He wanted his attention, though he'd had it the whole time, but to make it obvious Raphael opened his eyes and looked up.
"I wanna tell you something... Because I know I can tell you things, and keeping them from you has never ended particularly well before. And I want to tell you before I tell anyone else."
"Then say it," Raph shrugged, reaching for one of the cans of soda April had given them when they'd dropped by her bedroom window.
"It's a little more complicated than that," Leo replied, chewing his bottom lip and glancing up at nothing in particular. "See, it's something really personal. It's not that I think you'll be angered by it, it's just the kind of thing that, once it's out there, it can't be taken back. If anything, I think it'll confuse you." The sweet and fizzy liquid bubbled as he sipped, sending a pleasant buzz of energy through his blood. Cherry, his favourite. April knew that.
"Then explain. I won't get pissed off."
"Now you say that...!" Raph grinned against the lip of the can, then lightly thumped his brother in the thigh. He chuckled and batted his fist away, then turned to stare at the rooftops straight ahead of them. "The beginning of the explanation might annoy you... But I promise, it'll all make sense in the end."
"Just spit it out, Chumpy."
The childhood nickname made Leo's smile turn cynical for a moment, then his expression smoothed and he focused on he story. "Alright... Well, it starts off with... Me and Karai." Raph's brow dropped like a sack of bricks and he immediately growled into his drink. "I did say...!"
"Then hurry up and get it out of the way."
Leo nodded and bounced on the balls of his feet for a second, more than likely recollecting his nerves. "Well, she caught me on the roof tops a few weeks ago. We did our normal routine; witty banter, half-harmless sparring, her flirting, me floundering while trying to do the same."
"You suck at that."
"I know, don't interrupt." Raph smiled irritably at his brother's huffy tone. "Well that ended fairly quickly. Somehow, we got onto the topic of... girls. She'd said some sarcastic remark about how I must be popular with the ladies, and yes I did point out we don't know many ladies, and at some point I let slip that I... Hadn't kissed anyone before."
"She needed to be told that?"
"Shut it. She seemed kinda surprised, and it was about then that we stopped fighting. We talked, and I explained our mentality about the likelihood that none of us would be getting into a romantic relationship. Actually, she was really sweet about it. Said that we had just as much of a chance of meeting someone as any other teenage boy.
"And then... She offered to let me experiment."
Raphael sat bolt upright, just about ready to leap at his brother and begin pounding his skull into the concrete - idiotidiotidiot - but Leo defensively lifted his hands, taking a step back. "Let me finish!" Wisely, he only continued when the red clad turtle's hackles had lowered. "It was nothing too intimate, she just said that I could kiss her and see how it feels. And... I accepted."
"Well whoopdy-fuckin'-doo."
"Let me finish!" He turned away and closed his eyes, counting to ten, just like April told him. "Yes, I kissed her. But no, I did not enjoy it."
His eyes opened again.
Leo had turned his head away, looking uncomfortable as he squinted at a barber shop sign on the street below. Raph tilted his head slowly, an eye brow raising as he tried to read into Leo's expression.
"You didn't like it."
"No."
"Was she a bad kisser?"
"It wasn't the act of kissing her I didn't like, the kiss itself was wonderful. It was... something else." Raph's brow furrowed that much more, and Leo's glittery blue eyes darted to him, then back to the sign. "Look, I'll just say it. I'll get it out the way. And then maybe you'll get it."
"Then say it."
"I'm getting there." He huffed and turned to face him, now sitting cross legged in front of Leo and leaning one fist on his thigh, the other hand planted on the concrete behind him as he leaned forward.
"For crying out loud, Leo, just say it! It's only me!"
"Alright! Alright!," Leo barked. "I think I'm gay!"
A moment of silence. In retrospect, it must have been terrifying for his big brother; fears and worries buzzing through that busy brain of his - he hates me what have I done I shouldn't have said anything oh god - but in reality, Raph was simply analysing the information he'd been given. His brain didn't work as quickly as Donnie or Leo's, and it didn't jump from topic to topic like Mikey's. When he thought about something, he had to take time. Especially important subjects. He couldn't stand the idea of jumping to a conclusion about something that could be vital. He wanted to understand what he was being told, so he took his time to learn the information.
"You think you're gay," he repeated. Leo swallowed heavily, then nodded. "What makes you think that?"
"... Well... Like I said, the act of the kiss was nice, that closeness... But she... But Karai was too... soft." Raph's Peridot green eyes scanned his brother's Tanzanite blues. What he was looking for, Leo could only guess at.
"Soft."
"Soft." Leo's mind scrambled to elaborate, since that was clearly what he was after. "I couldn't get comfortable in the feeling. I know better but it just felt like she'd snap or crumple in my hands! Which is ridiculous, because, y'know, it's Karai! But she was just too soft and delicate, and she smelled too sweet. I don't even think she was wearing perfume or anything, she just felt... wrong." Again, Raph tilted his head, arms coming to rest in his lap, posture mirroring his thoughtful expression.
"... And if... she was a guy... and she wasn't soft, or sweet smelling... would you have been more comfortable?"
"I... I think I would have been," the blue turtle confirmed. "It felt like something clicked. Somehow I just knew it wasn't right for me. And I think she could tell as well."
"How d'you know?"
"When we separated... I must have given something away, because she suddenly looked concerned. She started asking me questions like how it felt, and what I was thinking."
Raph nodded. "And what did you say?"
"I told her that I needed to think about it... That something felt different and I needed to meditate on it."
"You ran away."
"I was freaking out, my sexual preference had made a sudden appearance and I didn't know how to handle it!" He shuffled backwards, becoming more and more distressed by Raph's rather apathetic reaction. For the love of god, he didn't want something like this to tear them apart. His little brother had never expressed any distaste in people with alternate sexualities, and Splinter had taught them from a young age that there was no harm in same-sex relationships, but the stereotypical view portrayed by media and general opinion was that homosexuals were somewhat... effeminate. In movies and television, gay characters were more often than not presented as nothing more than their sexuality; being gay was their personality, or at least that's how it seemed in a lot of the films he'd seen. He wasn't about to start skipping around or being overly conscious of his appearance, or change anything about his personality. He'd just realised he preferred to be involved with people who were just the same as him.
The possibility that Raph didn't get that made his blood turn to ice.
His brother slowly got to his feet, eyes shut in silent contemplation as he stood beside Leonardo. They didn't open as he began to speak. "You're not allowed to run away from this. I won't let you. If she mocks you for it, or the fact you like dudes, I'll grind her face into the pavement." Leo blinked, shoulders rising. "This is gonna be a pain. If this gets around, we'll be fending off douche bags tryin' to get lucky with our pretty big brother."
Leonardo's face went bright red, eyes wide as dinner plates. "Damare!," he yelped, then grunted as a muscular arm swooped around his neck and tugged him in close, his strong little brother pressing their foreheads together and looking him straight in the eye.
"Seriously though, don't run from this. Everything's going to be fine. If you like guys, you go get yourself guys. I'll be here to make you laugh whether things go right or wrong, because I know you don't need me being protective like the others. Some asshole messes you around, I know full well you can kicked his sorry butt all on your own." A pointed canine tooth peeked out as Raph smirked, eyes sparking playfully. "Not that I won't contribute to that butt kicking, I'm just saying."
"You... you don't mind?," Leo asked. He just needed to hear Raph say it.
"I don't mind. It's none of my business. If you wanna talk about cute boys to me, you go ahead and do it. You'll just have to excuse the fact that I'll be talking about hot girls."
"What about Donnie and Mikey...?"
"Don't be stupid. Why would Donnie and Mikey be upset that you're gay?," Raph snorted. "Frankly, I've been wondering about Donnie's sexuality myself. He's been so obsessed with April, I kinda feel like he's trying to prove to himself that he's straight. Maybe you coming out will help him figure that out a little." The eldest Hamato son nodded slightly, pondering that. "And Mikey... Hell, it's Mikey. Nothing bothers Mikey."
"True." Leo hesitantly returned the grin his brother gave him, arm slipping around Raph's shoulders, simply holding one another. "Since you mentioned it, I've gotta say Casey's kinda hot."
"If you say so," Raph laughed. "If you can get passed the gaping cave in the front of his teeth." They knocked and nudge and chuckled together for another few minutes, cementing how nothing had changed between them. A few moments of playful roughness, and Leo was assured in the knowledge that Raph still loved him.
It now occurred to him that Leo had gotten that song stuck in his head, so Raph began singing as he pulled his big brother towards the fire escape across the building. "When no-one else can understand me, when everything I do is wrong, you give me hope and consolation. You give me strength to carry on."
"And you're always there to lend a hand, in everything I do. That's the wonder, the wonder of you," Leo carried on. They grinned once more at one another, then, arms still slung around each other's shoulders, the two began lumbering towards the iron ladders and platforms with a synchronised jig in each step.
"And when you smile the world is brighter. You touch my hand and I'm a king. Your kiss to me is worth a fortune, your love for me is everything. I'll guess I'll never know the reason why, you love me like you do. That's the wonder.
"The wonder of you."