WAKE UP CALL
He'd deleted the files, he'd outlined Nikki Heat's tragic death, he'd removed her from his contacts list, he'd... He'd let go. After four years, it was over. He could close the book. No secrets, no dance, nothing held back.
He had poured out his entire heart and soul to her, and she didn't hear a word he said. Not one word that didn't involve avenging her mom even registered.
He had laid it all out, begging for something, anything in return... and she had thrown him out and gone back to her mother's case.
After four years, he was free of her. The death of hope was a liberation. The what-if that had kept him at her side had long-ceased to be a thrill, and had become a noose around his neck; keeping him trapped at arm's length, unable to pull away, unable to get closer.
And now that what-if was gone. The agony of hope was gone. The torturous anticipation was gone. It was over, and he could move on.
Knock Knock.
Castle sighed as he went to answer it, already annoyed at the interruption. The smile when he saw Beckett was instinctive, unplanned. Then memory caught up and the smile drained away. He was done. He had let her go. And then suddenly she was back. Four years he had been begging the fates for her, and she had kicked him away over and over, and now at long last he had no reasons to keep coming crawling back.
He could hear the exhaustion in his own voice when he spoke. If she wanted to put things back where they were, it was too late. "Kate, what do you want?"
Beckett licked her lips. "You."
Her sudden move forward was an attack; the kiss pole-axed him. It was not their first kiss, but it was real. It was an assault, it was a demand, and it was surrender... He held back, eyes squeezed shut, making sure it wasn't a dream; or his imagination torturing him again...
No! His mind screamed. This isn't fair! I just got over you! I just, finally, this second, closed the book!
He tried to step back but she wouldn't let him go. Their foreheads were touching, both of them breathing hard. She can't do this! He raged at himself. Four years I live for this, then the moment, the very second that I am finally able to put it behind me...
The moment was horribly fragile, frozen between yes and no...
Do I really want to do this again? He asked himself. Tomorrow we stroll back into the Precinct hand in hand, and she comes to her senses and tells me she's not ready... I can't do this again.
After four years, he was almost free.
She kissed him again, and he knew the truth.
He didn't really want to be free...
Morning-After Beckett was a glorious sight to behold.
They had finally given in to sleep around four am, and even now as he pulled back to get a better look at her, she moved with him, wanting to touch him in her sleep.
Castle couldn't help the goofy grin. This had been a recurring dream for four years, even when he was with Gina. A part of him was convinced he was going to wake up any second, and find the bed cold and empty.
The thought that she might have the same secret fear kept him in the bed, brushing his hands along her flanks gently. He had longed to touch her skin for so long...
Castle had no idea what was going to happen next. For sure they were calling in sick to the Precinct. But what about after that? Were they telling people? Were they still working her mother's case? Was last night just her way of keeping him at work? Were they keeping it to themselves? Was he going to be her guilty secret from the guys?
These were all the things he should have asked last night.
And it suddenly struck him that she never actually said she loved him; just what she wanted.
Third Time's a charm. Her voice whispered temptingly inside his mind.
Three strikes, you're out. He shot back.
Kate's breathing hitched, drawing in a long deep breath, and her eyes opened sleepily. She smiled when she saw him, and she sat up, stretching languidly.
Castle watched the movement, transfixed. So worth it.
He slapped down his inner teenager. He'd done it again. He'd let passion carry him away, and let love make him believe it was a magic wand to make everything work out so that no matter what, they'd live happily ever after. If ever they needed to talk, it had to be the night before; but that ship had sailed.
Did this make everything better, or much much worse?
He could see her eyes flash, and knew she was wondering the same thing. A moment later they were kissing again, soft and loving; the furious heat from the night before having been sated; and now starting to kindle again. "Morning."
"Morning." She kissed him, missing his lips and landing on the corner of his mouth. He was more than happy with that.
"Mm. Breakfast?"
"Tempting." Castle admitted, reaching for her. "But I have much better idea..."
Kate moaned, but smiled anyway as she pulled away insistently. "Waitwaitwait, we've had about three hours sleep, and I skipped dinner; I need to eat something. Maybe grab a glass of water, or six... Coffee! I'm getting some coffee!"
"Don't tell me I wore you out?" Castle murmured. "Besides, getting coffee would involve leaving the bed."
"Really? You strike me as a midnight snacker, with candy-bars hidden everywhere..." Kate quipped. "Breakfast in bed?"
"Still involves getting out of this room." Castle disagreed, pinning her to the mattress, and hand of either side of her. "You think if I offered to buy him a car, the kid at Denny's will deliver straight to the bedroom?"
Kate saw her chance and lunged, breaking free of his grip. Castle reached out for her and fell face forward on the bed. "Well. A break might be a good idea. I can't seem to feel my feet."
Kate grinned, reaching out and ruffling his hair. "Stay here; I'll cook."
"Good, because if I had to cook, this little miracle would be over the second you tasted it."
"You can cook." She reminded him, as thought he'd forgotten.
"I can cook dinners. My brain's never functional until coffee. Especially today."
"I believe you." Kate rose and grabbed his shirt. "Stay there. This time I'll bring you coffee."
"What is it with women and wearing the guy's shirt?" Castle asked her lightly.
Kate pulled it on. "Would you rather I wore something else?"
Castle drank her in, eyes half-lidded, lips bruised from a long night of kisses; long beautiful hair tossed and mussed hotly over her shoulders and across her face. The window was behind her, and the dawn caressed her perfect skin; bathing her in a natural angelic glow. She was magnificent.
Wearing nothing but his shirt somehow made it even better. It felt like the shirt was marking her. This morning she was his. The shirt said so.
Castle stared at her for a million years. Neither of them spoke, just letting the moment grow. "Make breakfast fast." He told her. "Pop-tarts. Sandwiches. An apple. Come straight back here."
She winked at him. "Special occasion. Pancakes; eggs, bacon, muffins... and yeah, I could go for a pop-tart too."
"Are we carbing up?"
She smiled and headed for the door.
"Hey Kate?"
She paused at the door and looked back at him, laying back on the half-demolished bed in the half-demolished room. "Yeah Castle?"
"You know what the best part is?"
"What?"
Castle smiled, happier than she had ever seen him. "It wasn't anything like I imagined it. It was so much better."
Kate started to leave, then paused again, and looked back over her shoulder. "For me too."
She left the room and Castle reached over and pulled a candy bar from under the bed. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. He started looking around for something wear himself... and got a look at her empty holster, hanging over a chair.
A chill came over him then. The night before had changed everything, except it changed nothing.
She padded out to the kitchen on bare feet. She couldn't stop smiling. "Katie," She told herself quietly. "You are such an idiot. We could have been doing this for four years."
Breakfast was a project. She liked cooking, but for the first time she had time to do so properly. Normally it was a shower and a muffin on the way to work. Two years before she had prepared breakfast in this expensive kitchen, unable to sleep properly, and unwilling to wait around for her host to wake up. Cooking had been her defense against the realisation that she was sleeping over in Castle's apartment...
Rick; his name is Rick. Learn it! She told herself.
...and of course the last time she didn't feel like a happy cartoon bluebird was about to land on her shoulder any second as the world burst into song around her. A goofy smile spread across her face as she relived certain parts of the night before in her head.
For the first time, she didn't have to be at work; didn't have to be anywhere. Today she was free to burn calories as long as she wanted with Castle...
The last time she'd had such thoughts over sizzling bacon, she was wearing more clothes, and Martha had come home at an inopportune moment...
And then the door handle turned, and Kate froze; trapped by the wave of deja-vu.
The door opened and Kate stepped to the left, trying to close his shirt with one hand and hide behind the counter without dropping the pan. "Alexis!"
The younger Castle froze in the doorway, before taking one step closer and shutting the door swiftly behind her. "Detective Beckett." She said neutrally, leaning her back against the closed door. The young woman looked her over exactly once, and then fixed her gaze firmly on Beckett's face. "This... You... We..." Her mouth opened and closed for a moment, and Kate tried to make her legs grow a little bit shorter before the young woman came any closer.
"I'm..." Beckett tried to say something; and failed. "Good morning."
Alexis immediately shook it off and came in with a bland smile. "So." She said brightly. "Did you have a nice night... with my father?"
Kate felt her blush go down her neck, and she studied the pan of eggs with fascination. "Yes." She said in a small voice. The part of my dad to be played by Alexis Castle.
Alexis nodded, not at all concerned. "Well then, we should probably work out some signals."
Kate's blush went right down her back. "Signals for… what, exactly?"
"I'm young and impressionable." Alexis said cheerfully. "You might want to give me some warning, let me clear out so you can have the place to yourselves next time. Of course, I understand sometimes you just can't restrain yourselves... love's like that. So, if you want, you can just leave a sock on the doorknob or something..."
Kate could feel her blush move from deep red to tomato red, as Alexis came over and sat down at the breakfast nook, on the opposite side of the counter. "And if you wouldn't mind wearing some pants before coming in to breakfast, it would probably cut down on awkwardness, don't you think, Detective Beckett?"
"Stand down Alexis." Castle called from the living room as he came through to join them, wearing a warm robe. "The standard test will not be necessary today."
"Standard test, huh?" Kate needled him. "You two have a little system worked out, Castle?"
Castle froze, at the point of speaking. "I... am going to let Alexis handle that one." He said and looked to his daughter.
"You still call him Castle?" Alexis commented. "Really, Detective Beckett."
"And you, young lady." Castle pointed, thoroughly enjoying himself. "It may be time to start calling her Detective Kate."
"Actually, I'm neither right now." Kate put in. "Detective, I mean. I resigned yesterday."
The reaction was remarkable. Castle froze, his jaw dropping open at the hinges, but Alexis seemed to slump, the look on her face was one of open relief. "Really?" Alexis sighed gratefully.
"You did?" Castle blurted, and Kate flushed, sending another glance at Alexis. The young woman didn't comment, but it was a clear confession of how little time had been spent talking the night before.
The door opened again at that moment, breaking the awkwardness nicely. A young man with a slightly dopey look stuck his head in. "Safe to come in?"
The atmosphere changed. Castle seemed to shift in density, becoming an impressive stone wall. "Excuse me, Daughter." He said with friendly menace. "Who is that, and why are you sneaking him into the house this early in the morning?"
Alexis licked her lips. "That's Dean. I... Wait a minute, please." She turned to the door. "Dean, stop staring at Kate's ass."
"Sorry Alex, but it was like, there, y'know?"
"Well, his day just improved." Castle commented darkly.
Kate tugged at Castle's, shirt, trying to shrink a little bit and failing, Alexis swiped a bit of bacon off her plate, and went over to have a brief conversation with the young scholar.
"Maybe I should go put some clothes on." Kate suggested blandly to Castle, making sure neither of their visitors could hear them.
"I got a better idea. We still have breakfast in bed, only let me serve."
"So many ways I could respond to that one."
"I'll give you a few minutes to think them up while I go over there and have a little fun with Alexis' dopey companion."
"Norman Rockwell would turn over in his grave." Kate commented under her breath as she returned to the bedroom.
"Dean, quit staring at my girlfriends legs." She heard Castle say behind her.
Kate grinned, as she heard Alexis agree pointedly. Two Castle's tag-teaming the kid. He'd never know what hit him.
Castle returned to the bedroom with a tray in his hands. "The pancakes were a little..."
"You spent too long snapping at Dean." Beckett joshed him. "I'll have to find a way for you to make it up to me."
"I really dislike the sound of that name now." Castle commented as he sat on the edge of the bed and put the tray on her lap.
"She's nineteen, just graduated as valedictorian." Beckett demurred, grabbing a fork. "She decided to celebrate her graduation..."
"And do it the same way we did?" Castle growled.
"Relax." She advised him. "Alexis finding out was tricky enough and we survived. You want to make this morning about a gormless idiot?"
Beat.
"No." Castle admitted. "It's tough being angry at anything while you're... not wearing my shirt anymore."
"That's what I was going for." Beckett grinned and scooped up some eggs. "How's Alexis?"
"Happy for us, but she's thrilled you're not a cop anymore." Castle admitted, slipping in next to her.
"That was a big deal for her wasn't it? Having you following cops around for so long." Kate agreed, bemused. "But I meant, was she embarrassed?"
"She's more embarrassed about Dean than about walking in on you."
Castle felt his heartrate tick up a bit as she carefully set the tray on the floor beside the bed and slid over closer to him. "How about you?"
"Getting caught by your daughter is worse than being caught by your mom." Castle commented blandly. "But she's caught me in the middle of far worse. I want to thank you by the way, she gave Dean the flick the second he got an eyeful of your legs."
"A new standard test at the Castle Breakfast Table?" Beckett teased, chewing on his earlobe.
"Not if I can help it." Castle responded, helping himself to a taste of her collarbone. "That kind of depravity has no place in this house."
"Good to know." Beckett pounced on him, and his robe went flying. "Where's Alexis now?"
"Walking around the block, and taking the long way."
"Castle, your daughter is a genius."
"Oh, come on; we're alone." He teased. "You can say it…"
Kate smirked. "Rick." She corrected herself dramatically, feeling playful.
"Ooh, I got a chill." Castle mock-shivered. "Warm me up?"
The phone rang.
"Ignore it." Castle said.
"I plan to." She promised him.
The phone rang again.
"Who the hell calls you this early?" Beckett hissed against his lips.
"Just you." Castle sighed as the phone rang again.
"Well... it's not me."
"No." Castle conceded and reached out, grabbing the cell phone off the floor beside the bed. "Who is this and what words can I say to make you hang up right now?"
"Castle?" Esposito said. "Put Beckett on the phone."
"Beckett?" Castle asked innocently; as Beckett grinned and started tickling him. He tried to fend her off with one hand and keep his voice level. "What makes you think I know where she is?"
"One, I'm a trained detective." Esposito recited. "Two, I know you both pretty well. Three, she quit and isn't at home, so where else would she be? And four: You answered her cell phone at seven in the morning."
Castle looked at the phone in his hand and slapped his forehead. "Well, there's probably something clever I could say, but I just don't care right now. Thank you for calling; try again in six hours please."
"You sound happy." Esposito commented.
Castle laughed at him. "Javier, a night with Beckett improves one's outlook on the universe significantly."
She grinned and pulled his hand over, so that she could speak into the phone and nibble on his fingertips at the same time. Castle leaned in close enough to listen too. "Talk fast Javi."
"I... had something to say when I rang you, but I'll be damned if I can think of it now." Esposito admitted. "Oh wait! Laine says there were some fiber traces on your service piece. She says that if you're curious; she can get a copy of her report to Kinko's for..."
"Espo..." Kate said gently. "I'm not a cop any more."
Beat.
"Well, yeah." Esposito said finally.
"And neither are you, by the way." She told him; ignoring Castle's reaction.
"I know... But I figured you'd want to..." He changed his mind suddenly. "Y'know what? This'll keep. I'm betting your attention is elsewhere right now."
"I'll give you all the details!" Castle called into the phone.
"No you won't." She told him pointedly. "I turned in my badge and gun, the handcuffs are right here."
"I didn't need to hear that." Esposito commented blandly.
"Call Ryan." Beckett told him, changing the subject.
Esposito's voice hardened. "And why would I be wanting to waste oxygen on that?"
Castle twitched next to her. Beckett shook her head slightly at him. She'd explain that later. "He did the right thing." She told Esposito firmly.
"Loyalty." Esposito said, speaking volumes with one word.
"Rooftop." Beckett shot back. "Talk to you later."
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Esposito called.
"Laine and I talk, Espo." Beckett shot back. "The stuff you do? Way past that."
She disconnected and tossed her phone across the room before either of them could say another word. "I feel like I just told him there's no Santa Claus."
"So, you really resigned then?" Castle commented, brushing his fingers alone her spine.
"Yup. I'm now citizen Kate. Miss Kate Beckett."
Castle froze, halfway down her spine, as though he couldn't believe it was that easy. "You love being a cop."
"When we got close, when I thought we were actually about to break my mom's case; I suddenly realized… I wanted my life to be more. But nothing else measured up."
"To the case?"
"To this." Kate smiled and kissed his cheek softly, making his heart melt a little. "I did love being a cop, because I loved stopping bad guys. My job wouldn't let me do that any more. Not where it really counted. And it cost me you. When you can't remember why you poured your whole soul into something and you don't care what it costs you; it's time to cash in your chips."
Castle stared at her, lying nose to nose, and falling into her eyes. After a moment, he pressed his lips against hers in a long soulful kiss. "So. Citizen Beckett. What are you doing for the rest of the day?"
"Well, last night was a pretty good preview." Kate demurred throatily.
"How about the rest of your life?"
Beckett let out a breath. "I have no idea. First time since my mom died that I didn't know what I wanted to do." Castle nipped her in a familiar spot and she jumped. "I'm sure we can think of something though."
"And at some point, you're gonna call me Rick, yes?"
"Probably."
"And later, you'll tell me what went down between Ryan and Esposito?"
"You skip a day at the Twelfth, you're gonna miss stuff." She teased him.
"Mm." Castle commented, still exploring. "God you have sexy wrists. I didn't think that was possible."
Kate giggled, a sound that Castle couldn't recall hearing before, but it made his toes curl. "What about the call from Javier? You know it was about your mom's case."
"I do." Kate agreed. "I'm letting go of that."
Castle drew back, sitting upright to look at her. He couldn't believe it was that simple. "Think you can handle that?"
It was the most serious either of them had sounded all morning, and she took the question seriously. She sat up and settled in his lap, facing him. A long moment passed as she pulled him to her tightly, resting his face against her scar; gently running her hands through his hair. She whispered warmly in his ear; pouring her soul into it. "I can handle anything, as long as I've got you."
He wanted to believe that so badly, wanted to believe that she cared more about being with him than anything else. He wanted to believe she cared as deeply as he did. "You're letting go?"
"I'm letting go." Kate promised with a serene smile on her face. They both lay back and she drew a leg up over him, cuddled comfortably against his side. "Whoever they are, they won't hear from me again for a long time. They won't have to worry about me hunting them, and eventually, they'll forget me. They'll forget I ever came looking for them, and that will be the moment I show up and carve every drop of blood they ever stole, straight out of their worthless hides, and show them what I can do without a badge weighing me down."
Castle shivered. "I'll help you." He promised. He couldn't let her go without him. Not any more. Not after this. One tiny taste of her smile four years ago had made him follow her around through crime scenes, terrorist attacks, radiation hazards, deep freezes, a hospital, the east river, a tiger cage...
After this, there was nothing that could break him of his need. Now that he'd had her, he knew he could never last without her.
As she pressed her perfect body against him, he dragged in a long deep breath, drawing in the scent of her hair, letting the cherries carry him away. Nothing had changed, except everything had.
He loved her utterly. Letting the breath out again, he accepted it. It was the three of them again. It would always be the three of them: Him, Her and her Crusade in middle. Nothing had changed; except that everything had.
Castle surrendered and melted into her; not wanting to fight it.
He had come so close to letting her go.
AN: Read and Review