Laughter Can't Cure Heartbreak
A JXHQ Fan fiction, By Jared Kerr
I watch her fly out the door, after I violently kicked her out. I hear the laughing of Bud and Lou, racing to her. I want to smile, it feels right to smile, but I can't do it! I mean I'm the clown prince of crime, the one and only Joker; I invented the very word, smile! Still something is just still on my mind. Then it hits me! What has happened so far today was my fault and I have been blaming it on my dear o' accomplish, Harley Quinn. The day started out normal, got up, ate breakfast and began planning for my next big plan. I planned to steal a priceless diamond from the Gotham City museum. When night rolled around, I told her to start up the car. As we drove down to the museum, things began to turn south. Apparently I had forgotten to shut down any of street cameras that were directly hooked up to the Batmobile. So you can guess who showed up, o' Bats. Thankfully we escaped but I got angry. In my rage I thought that everything that happened was her fault. Whenever I get angry I hit her, over and over, until I feel better. Yet, she always comes back, and that's why I appreciate her. But, something tells me that I've gone too far this time. I run out into the middle of the street calling her name, but she doesn't call back. She is gone. I walk back inside, holding back tears. I crawl into bed, trying to shake off this feeling. I'm haunted by nightmares; at first I think Scarecrow is trying to assassinate me. Ones where I wake up one morning to find her dead, batarang in her chest, and Batman looking over her, laughing his pointy ears off. I wake up, not laughing but crying silently, something I rarely do. I look at the empty space in the bed. I got a master bedroom, even though I never expect to see anyone next to me. Anytime Harley tried to sneak in, I'd throw her back out. Yet now it seems like she is the only one I want to fill the space. I begin drifting off into sleep. Tears drench the happy faced sheets. I miss her, and although it never seems like it, I hope she misses me too. I supposed to be scary, and here I am, the big bad clown, weeping, it makes me feel pathetic.
"HARLEY!" I call out, tearing through my room. I look through the cabinets. Not here, not there, where in god's name could they be! "This place is going to blinking blue blazes." I mutter to myself, before turning to the door. Two of my henchmen are sitting at the table, reading up on the latest news; Bud and Lou are chained to the wall. I am becoming desperate but I can't show that in front of my men so I swallow up my strength and attempt to put on a good angry face. "Has anyone seen my socks?" I shout, walking out to the middle of the room. "HARLEY!" I call again. As soon as I step by my pets, they jump up, snapping their jaws hungrily. I jump back in fear, they have never done that before! "Th…..they snapped at ne!" I whimper in fear, gathering up the rest of my attitude. I turn to one of the henchmen at the table, "What's going on Rocc? The place is in shambles, no one has fed the hyenas and I can't find my socks!" Rocco is scared, I can tell, he knows that one wrong move and he could be dead on the scene. I stare at him, using my best angry voice. "Where's Harley!" He shrinks back in his seat, "You canned her boss, remember?" Yes, I am fully aware of my actions, I think to myself, replying with a slightly desperate "So, she's always come back before!" He shrinks even more before gesturing to the paper he is reading, "Well I guess you haven't read the papers today!" I don't like the sound of this, it doesn't feel right. "Papers?" I shout, getting a little impatient. "What are you babbling about?" I quickly grab the paper right out of Rocco's hands, causing him to duck under the table in fear. As I read the headline, an icy bolt of fear strikes through me. The headline reads, "NEW QUEENS OF CRIME", and the picture was Harley, running off with a diamond with another woman whom I don't recognize. Rage bottles up inside me and I just let it out. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I can hear the sign outside fall off, as I storm off into my office.
It has been a couple days and night since Harley left. I had spent many nights with nothing but some blueprints, some alcohol, and my own thoughts. Since she left to join this "Poison Ivy" goon, I have been trying to find a way to cause trouble for Gotham. I had already lost my chance with that diamond, I made sure of that. This time I had no Harley to hit. I knew that she wouldn't come up to me after failure and whisper, "It's alright Mr. J, you'll get that Batbrain next time." I remember this very table being one of the first times I spent with her after she broke me out of Arkham. She tried to get me to, well, make ha-ha with her. I was not that used to her being around at that point, so I basically threw her off the table. I had a picture of her right next to me and just staring at it made me angry. I tried not to focus on it that was the most difficult part. Suddenly the phone rang. The whole night I had my people call me over some loot that they had found and stored it in many Joker warehouses all over Gotham, so naturally I thought that I thought that this was just another call. I picked up the phone, "What!" My cold heart skipped a beat when I realized who was on the other line. "Mr. J?"
"Harley?" I said surprised. Her voice was light and quiet on the other line but I could still understand her, "Hi Puddin', are you still mad at me?" She asks, obviously afraid to ask. Oh I'm mad at her beyond belief but I say in a polite voice, "Honey, sweetheart, why on earth would I still be mad at you?" I can tell that she giggled on the other line but I let it pass. "Okay, well I just called to let you know I'm alright." I appreciate her concern, she obviously missed me as well, suddenly I hear a door unlock on her end. She suddenly sounds frantic, "I got to go, I'll talk to you later." She hangs up. I start to smile again, something I have not done in a while. In fact, I'm laughing. I'm becoming myself again! Then it hits me, she has the diamond. My old criminal mind starts racing again. If she does not want to come back then fine! I'll just go there and steal the diamond! "Sooner than you think" I say, chuckling. It's a good thing that I hit the phone tracker, or else my chances would be loss. I burst through the doors to my office. "Come on boys, let's go hunting." I start laughing and run towards the van, my two henchmen right behind me. I hop in back, Rocco gets into the driver seat and we drive off.
The tracker leads us to a toxic waste dump. I get out and look at my surroundings. So this is where Harley lives? What a dump! We come to a line of houses. They are suburban looking and abandoned. We follow the tracker's signal to a certain house. Plants have grown around the outside. I stop, parked in front of the house is the Batmobile and a pink coverable. Ivy and Harley must be busy with Batbrain, perfect. I carefully open the door, surprised that it wasn't locked. "Search the place boys, and leave no stone unturned." (AN: If you understand that reference, then please note I will be making a FF on them as well) I start going through everything, my henchmen start raiding the fridge. Pigs. Suddenly I hear whispering outside, I stand myself in the door way waiting. Harley and Ivy walk in, both surprised. I smile, speaking in a laid back tone, "You were out, so we made ourselves at home." Ivy's shock stays while Harley's eyes light up. "Puddin'!" She shouts, charging at me and leaping into my shoulder, hugging me. "You found me!" I smile, trying to get her trust me. Ivy looks angry now, throwing up her arms, "So much for self-control." She sits down, looking at my Henchmen. "You know we are sitting on top of a toxic waste dump, I say you've got about 10 minutes before the toxic fumes do you in." I am not impressed; I can't be harmed by any fumes known to man.
Suddenly my henchmen start puking up the food they just ate, Rocco speaks in a light tone, "She's right boss, I feeling kinda sick". I turn my head to him, "Hold it in Rocco," I say turning back to the happy Harley in my arms, "I'm only staying to collect what's mine." She squeals in happiness. I smile, making my way to her purse. She realizes my actions, "Hey!" Ivy comes and kicks me in the chest, knocking me back into the table. I get up, shaking off bits of spaghetti. "I heard you like flowers, so have mine!" I stand up spraying the flower on my shirt. She inhales and begins coughing, to my surprise, she stands right back up. "Sorry, doesn't affect me". I begin running, diamond in my hand. Bursting through the front door and running towards the car. Rocco and Petshaw are taken out, Batman landed on them, rushing after me. Harley and Ivy have already escaped in their car, not that I care where they go. I throw the diamond in the van, grabbing out a gun. Running down an ally, I search for the bat, which lands right in front of me. I pull the trigger, spraying bullets at him. He begins dodgeing them, shouting something about a lunatic and a powder keg. Suddenly there was an explosion; I get thrown into the air. "Whoops, dopey me." I shout sarcastically, right before another explosion goes off, knocking me unconscious.
When I wake up, I'm being wheeled through a white room, then to a grey one. I'm thrown in. I look around. I am at Arkham Asylum, in a strait jacket, in my cell. I lean by the window, where did I go wrong. I look out the window, eyeing Harley and Ivy doing some gardening. Oh that's right, when I met her. I shout out, trying to make Harley feel bad, "Next time, I'm starting a gang with no women, YOU HEAR ME, NO WOMEN!" I turn away from the window, annoyed, tired, hurt, and depressed. Suddenly I feel something in my straight jacket. I feel around it, a knife! I cut myself loose and stare at the knife, it is painted like me, with a tag, On the tag is a heart with the initials, HQ. "Well, maybe one women." I say silently, looking back at Harley.