Day 2,205

"Bellamy? It's me. Again. Obviously. It's day 2,205.

"God, and I thought I didn't know why I was doing this before.

"Maybe I'm finally going crazy. Maybe I have used up my sanity, making choice after choice. Maybe after all of these years of overthinking, I'm finally through with logic.

"I wish. What I would give to escape my own head.

"But, no. This is better. Well, not better, but necessary. Better is too good. And we don't get good, do we, Bellamy?

"Plus, I couldn't go leaving Madi."

Clarke let her hand drop, refusing to finish the thought out loud. She inhaled deeply, looking behind her to where the fire Bellamy still sat by was just a smudge in the distance.

She cant help but laugh to herself, or at herself. She can't decipher which anymore. They were at war, and here she was, talking to the memory of someone who sat a couple dozen yards away from her.

"I swear, the days have gotten longer since the bunker was reopened. Back when it was just Madi and me, sure there were things that had to be done, but there was no need to rush. There was a patience and a calmness that I had never felt before. Not on the ark, and definitely not when we first got to the ground."

Clarke paused again, the words not coming out as easily as normal. Maybe it was something about how off the situation was. Clarke wasn't talking to the radio that fit perfectly into the callouses on her hands, the radio that had been with her longer than Madi. She was instead using a radio given grudgingly by Octavia, in case the Blodreina had need of her. Clarke wasn't feet away from Madi, she couldn't hear the deep breathing of her natblida. A noise that kept her sane, just as sane as these calls to Bellamy. If they could be qualified as sane. She wasn't sitting by her rover, her home, or anything familiar.

Everything was different. Everything was wrong. And yet, in the face of all of the uncontrollable wrongness in her life, she turned to the one thing that was truly hers, and continued to speak.

"I don't know if its because Madi's gone, or because you've changed, or because I've changed, but God do I feel alone. I wonder if this is what Wells felt like, during his time on earth."

Clarke knew she was avoiding what she wanted to talk about. She didn't particularly care.

"Think about it—Wells was alone, surrounded by people who were, or had been, or should've been allies. People in the exact same position as him. And yet he was entirely alone. He was the chancellor's son, he chose to be there, not like the rest of us. Who would have that being Jaha's son and being the Commander of Death would feel so similar."

Clarke breathed deeply before continuing.

"Not to mention, the one person who should have been there for him, who he used to know better than anyone, who could finish his sentences, felt like a total stranger. I miss him. You didn't know him well, but he was a good person, and a good friend. I think the two of you would have actually gotten along."

Clarke gave a watery laugh.

"Well, not the you when you knew him. No, that you was a dick. The you now."

Clarke caught herself.

"Nope, not the you now either. The you from before. Before Praimfaya, before the ring, before everything went to shit. My you. God I miss that you. Sometimes it feels like you're as far as—"

She was abruptly cut off, hearing Millers voice in the distance. Clarke immediately buckled the radio back to her belt, and took off towards the fires. She noted but ignored the look of confusion Bellamy sported, having seen her coming from the opposite direction of the tents. Instead, she offered to get the med kit, and got to work.

Day 2,206

"So, we survived. Again. I think our trick is becoming a little old hat, we just keep on surviving. Where's the surprise anymore. Maybe Murphy was right. Maybe I'm a cockroach, too. Maybe we all are. Anyways, its day 2,206. Somehow, against all odds, we survived the night."

Clarke's head dropped, still in disbelief of how exactly they had survived.

"A human shield. These people are soldiers, and they died, not in the face of war or the enemy, but in avoidable weather conditions. And that's not an easy way to go. I've been in those glass storms, it hurts, it takes weeks to heal, and even then, the scars…"

"There are times when I forget how we changed, when you look at me, when Octavia or Cooper does something crazy, and we just know, ya know? You'd think it would give me some level of comfort, but instead it just highlights the differences between us now.

"I just feel so off balance. You used to help with that. But now… I don't know. Hopefully it will be better when Madi gets here."

Taking a breath to steady herself, Clarke debated how to phrase what she wanted to say next. How she wanted to discuss the worries that had been plaguing her.

"Madi… Madi is my family. She's my only family. I am so happy that all of you became so close on the Ark, its what you needed, and its what I wanted, but I can't help but feel on the outside again. I always end up on the outside. Whether it was me making the tough choices and being blamed for them, or me leaving and being left behind. I don't know what else I expected when I left. But, here's the thing, you used to be my bridge back to everyone. And now that bridge is no longer operational, and I worry that I wont just lose you, but Raven and Monty and Murphy and Harper too. Even Emori and Echo, from the way you talk about the Ark, it seems as though they fully integrated. There must be something great about them, if you all love them. But I will always be Wanheda to them.

"This is stupid, a stupid thing to be jealous of. But we knew each other for barely nine months. Two of them I spent on my damned self-exile, and you have known them for six years. I am scared that we,"

She stopped herself.

"I'm scared that I will never be able to know all of you like that. And I want that, I want that family. Even Wonkru, as fanatic as they may be, have a unit. And I have Madi, and I will always be grateful for Madi, but I will always be her Mom. I think what I really need is a friend.

"I guess that is why I'm still talking to you. Against all odds, I still have hope. Hope that we can find our way back to each other. If not to who we used to be, then maybe to something better."

Hearing footsteps, Clarke quickly composed herself, hastily clipping the walkie back to her pants.

"Clarke?"

Bellamy. He probably needed her to come back to the others, finish treating those wounded by the glass.

"I'm here." She answered, sparing no extra words. His face was grim when he came into view. He looked tired, weighed down. Clarke wished she could lift that burden, wished he could have been as carefree as she was sure he was on the Ark.

"What are you doing over here? We need you. Octavia's arm isn't healing right, and Indra is breathing oddly."

Deflated, Clarke nodded. A part of her had hoped his reasons for seeking her out would be selfish. But this was Bellamy she was talking about, he wasn't selfish. Clarke stood up, and stoically began walking towards Bellamy, not making eye contact as she did so.

As she passed him, careful not to brush shoulders, he grabbed her upper arm. Startled she looked up, meeting his eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Despite not asking prior.

"I'm okay as I've ever been," she answered, not particularly helpfully.

"That doesn't say much, up until a few days ago, I thought you were dead. That's pretty not okay."

Clarke softened slightly, before saying, "My sentiment still stands," and going to help Octavia.

Day 2,207

"Bellamy. 2,207 days. And I finally got to see Monty and Harper again. It got me thinking about when we first got to the ground. There were 101 of us. And the mount weather happened, and there were 48. Now there are six. Seven if you include Raven, and she wouldn't have it any other way, and eight if you include you. Monty Green. Harper McIntyre. John Murphy. Nathan Miller. Octavia Blake. Raven Reyes. Bellamy Blake. Clarke Griffin."

"Eight of 102. And we thought those first days on earth were hard."

"Do you remember when I walked in on you and Roma? I hated you back then. Well, no, I don't think I ever hated you—I hated what you represented in my life. I needed order, and you were the antithesis of that. Honestly, I think you were exactly what I needed. We had such bigger problems than me walking in on you with a girl. Even when I found out about Finn and Raven, I had such bigger issues. I prioritized. I had people to take care of, so I put them first. Madi comes first. "

Clarke sighed, even when talking to no one, she skirted around what she really wanted to say.

"Just because I compartmentalize my feelings, doesn't mean I don't feel. It doesn't mean that I don't get the breath knocked out of me. It doesn't mean I don't panic when I see you doing something reckless."

Clarke switched the walkie talkie over from her right hand to her left. She knew she wouldn't do it in person, so she might as well do it where no one could hear her. At this moment, despite all of the uncertainty, and all of the danger that she and Madi were in, she felt settled, hearing the steady breaths of her daughter behind her. Telling him might be cathartic.

"Bellamy, we are leaving. I don't want to tell you, no I can't tell you because you would probably be the only one capable of talking me out of it. Because you provide this absurd and fabricated sense of safety. But we aren't safe—Madi isn't safe. We can't stay here. I, truly hope that Octavia becomes somewhat familiar to you, and that she accepts Echo."

Clarke's voice broke, but she powered on.

"I hope Echo makes you so, so happy. Because you deserve that, Bellamy. You deserve your big Spacekru family, with Echo, and with your sister. Madi is my family, and she is all I really need. And she needs me. Hopefully, if McCreary doesn't… when the dust settles, we can find our way back to each other. As friends. I think that time will be good for me, it might let me get my head on straight. To figure out my position in relationship to you, to all of you again."

Clarke heard the sound of the ship in the distance.

"Be safe, Bellamy."

Clarke began to put the walkie talkie away, planning on leaving it behind. But, after a brief moment, she slipped it into her bag, unable to say goodbye to the ghost of her best friend.

Clarke woke Madi up gently, and the two were soon out of the tent, and on the way home.

As much as Clarke would've liked to ignore the slightly rumpled Echo and Bellamy, parting ways, she couldn't help but watch. Why would Echo be leaving? She couldn't leave Bellamy entirely alone, not again.

Without overthinking, Clarke told Madi to stay put. Against her better judgement, she went to talk to her stranger of a best friend.