Quagmire Goes To Hogwarts
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Family Guy, or any of the characters from either fandom. I simply used them for my own entertainment to create this story. Please do not sue, thank you.
QUAGMIRE: Whoaaa! Where am I?
(Quagmire wakes up in the middle of a large stone bathroom. There are many toilets and a large fountain-like sink in the middle. He hears the distinct sound of a young girl crying from nearby.)
QUAGMIRE: Who's there?
(Quagmire lifts himself to his feet and follows the sobbing and sniffling to one of the stalls. Pushing open the door, he finds himself staring at a transparent, black and white version of a girl, looking almost as geeky as Meg.)
QUAGMIRE: Heh heh, dear diary. Jackpot!
MOANING MYRTLE: Who are you?! Get out of here, you pervert!
QUAGMIRE: Heh heh, well, I don't like it when a lady's being pushy. ... Or do I? Oh!
(Myrtle then proceeds to wail, floating up into the ceiling and causing the toilet she'd been sitting on to nearly explode, spraying water everywhere.)
QUAGMIRE: Ewww. I always wanted a girl that would make me wet, but this isn't what I had in mind!
(Quagmire then leaves the bathroom cautiously, still not knowing where he is. As he exits, he finds himself in a large castle that seems to be full of life -- as well as many young, innocent girls.)
QUAGMIRE: Giggity giggity gig-gi-ty!
(As Quagmire struts down the hall, he manages to bump into a trio of kids. One has red hair and freckles, the other has dark, shaggy hair and glasses, while the third, to Quagmire's delight, was a female, and...that's really all he needed to know.)
HARRY: Hey, we've never run into you before? Are you new?
QUAGMIRE: Heh, well, I've never run into your little friend here before -- oh, you know where I'm going with this.
(Quagmire points at Hermione, who immediately looks offended.)
HERMIONE: I'm going to have to get one of the professors, you bloody sicko!
QUAGMIRE: Heh heh, I like where this is going! Giggity!
(The trio then proceeds to lift their wands and stupefy Quagmire into a semi-unconscious state. Afterwards, they drag him off into Headmistress McGonagall's office, where he wakes up to find her staring angrily down at him, along with Professor Sinistra, Professor Trewlawney, Professor Sprout, and Professor Umbridge -- all of whom were women.)
QUAGMIRE: ... So, any of you ladies ever been penetrated before?
(Quagmire is slapped by four different hands. After getting up, he shakes off the attack and stands up in front of McGonagall.)
QUAGMIRE: Sagittarius?
(McGonagall slaps Quagmire, who then moves onto Trewlawney.)
QUAGMIRE: Capricorn?
(Trwelawney slaps Quagmire, who then moves onto Sinistra.)
QUAGMIRE: Heh heh, well I know you're not a Virgo.
(Sinistra slaps Quagmire the hardest yet, causing him to fall to the floor at Umbridge's feet.)
QUAGMIRE: From down here, you look like a Pisces!
(Umbridge kicks Quagmire in the head, causing him to be knocked out yet again. The next time he wakes up, he finds himself lying on a bed of grass, outdoors. There is a lot of commotion going on up in the sky, brooms flying and such, so to take cover, Quagmire ducks into a nearby door, finding himself in the girls' locker room for Quidditch. The girls that are already in there approach him to see if he is alright, since he looks rather flustered.)
QUAGMIRE: So, which one of you wants to lose their virginity first? Oh! Giggity giggity goo!
GIRL: But I'm only 16!
QUAGMIRE: 18? Perfect! You're first.
GIRL: I'm going to get a professor!
QUAGMIRE: Ooh, I'm starting to like this place!
(A dark-haired girl suddenly steps to the front of the group of girls.)
CHO: Pervert!
QUAGMIRE: Heh, I've never been with a Spanish chick before! O-le!
(Cho then proceeds to hit Quagmire over the head with her broom, knocking him unconscious, yet again. This time when he wakes up, he finds himself in the largest room yet, with four long tables of students eating and chattering away.)
RANDOM STUDENT: Mmm, bread pudding. No one's gonna ruin this lunch!
(Quagmire then tears off his clothes, revealing a leopard-print loincloth, then jumps up onto a nearby table, which turns out to be Slytherin's table, and dances a little jig.)
RANDOM MAN: Who else but Quagmire!
FEMALE SINGER: He's Quagmire, Quagmire, you're never really sure what he's gonna do next, he's Quagmire, Quagmire...
QUAGMIRE: Giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex!
(The loincloth suddenly fall off. Quagmire turns to a young blonde boy, glances down at his partially-shaved privates, then throws himself into the blonde's face.)
QUAGMIRE: Does this look like a Q to you?
DRACO: Ew, what the bloody hell are you trying to do?!
(Quagmire looks down again, then shifts his hips the other way.)
QUAGMIRE: How about now?
(Draco whistles once, and two lumbering oafs come up behind Quagmire. He glances at each of them before he is beaten unconscious...again. Upon waking, Quagmire finds himself in a room decorated in almost all red. There is a group of four girls sitting in the middle of the room who don't see him because he has woken up behind a couch. Quagmire peeks up over it and listens in for some dirty talk.)
GINNY: Did you see who scored that last goal today?
LAVENDER: No, who was it?
PARVATI: I think it was Zacharias Smith.
HERMIONE: Was it Zach?
GINNY: I thought so...
LAVENDER: He played really good today.
PARVATI: First time in a long while, really.
(Quagmire suddenly jumps up from behind the couch, still in his loincloth. He grabs a random Gryffindor robe and begins putting it on, even though it is nearly three sizes too small.)
QUAGMIRE: I'm getting outta here, you girls are boring!
(Quagmire continues on down the hall and somehow manages to make his way to the end of it without getting himself in anymore trouble. Before he rounds a corner, though, a young female student approaches him carrying a small parcel.)
GIRL: Oh! I've seen you with Harry earlier. I have a package here for him that I need to deliver. Do you know where he is now?
(Quagmire looks down at himself, still only wearing the robe he picked up in the common room.)
QUAGMIRE: Oh, excuse me.
(He disappears into a nearby room for a brief moment, coming back out wearing absolutely nothing.)
QUAGMIRE: Heh heh, I got a package for you, too! Alright!
(The girl drops the package and screams, running off and disappearing down the hall. Quagmire keeps walking until he leaves the castle entirely, making his way along a path until he reaches a small town filled with more students, along with shops and pubs, one that is called the Hog's Head.)
QUAGMIRE: Ah, the Hog's Head, where they don't ask for proof of age, and neither do I! Oh!
(A woman then walks up to Quagmire, giving him the evil eye.)
WOMAN: I've heard about you! You've apparently been causing a ruckus all day! Don't you feel guilty about all of the things you've done?
QUAGMIRE: Heh, well, I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. Giggity!
(The woman punches Quagmire, sending him to the ground before walking away.)
QUAGMIRE: The hell? Did I just get laid?
(Quagmire gets up, brushes himself off, and then keeps on walking until he sees two students standing next to each other talking. They are Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott. Quagmire scurries up between them, placing a hand on each of their shoulders.)
QUAGMIRE: Heh, I don't wanna come between you...or do I? Heh heh, oh!
(The two girls both punch Quagmire at the same time, who is knocked out once again. This time, however, he wakes up in his own home, sitting in his chair in front of the TV.)
QUAGMIRE: Whoa! So this was all just a dream?
(Looking down, he sees he is holding the DVD case to a movie called "Horny Potter.")
QUAGMIRE: That's the last time I fall asleep watching porn again!
(Setting the movie aside, Quagmire goes into his bedroom to find a woman lying in his bed, wearing a wizard hat and holding a plastic magic wand.)
WOMAN: Morning, Glen, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?
QUAGMIRE: I got a question for you, too. Why are you still here?