Yaaaaaayyyyyy we're so excited about this story! We've had this story planned for so long so it's really exciting to finally start writing it.

The chapter's super long, so don't get your hopes that it will be this length every time. And honestly, don't expect a weekly update. We'll update as much as we can but with the probable length of the chapters and exams around the corner, a new chapter being written weekly is very unlikely.

Anyway, please don't get offended because it's all just for shits and giggles. (Damn, it's been too long since I've written that)

THE SORTING HAT

Clary threw her green duffle bag onto her bed and sat down with a huff, looking over to the bed across from her where Simon was reading Twilight.

"This isn't even accurate. Even assuming vampires do sparkle in the sun, why is it so much harder for them to survive on animal blood? We only drink it to survive. It doesn't even taste that great. Especially you humans, with your butter and your bacon, your blood is like 90% lard!"

"Simon," Clary said, ripping the book from his hands. "My blood is 90% rose water. I'm classy, bitch."

"Knock, knock." Clary turned to see John standing at the door, his closed fist tapping the wood gently. "I brought you something to liven up the room." He held out a small potted plant like it was a first place trophy he was presenting to his grandma. As if he was saying aren't you so proud of me?

Clary took the pot and examined the single stem growing from the grey dirt. "It's dead."

John shrugged. "I thought you could fix it, you know; use your cool Dryad-y powers?"

"No, John. It's fucking dead. It's been dead for years. Did you water it with vinegar? Is this a pepperoni?"

"I thought it was hungry."

"That's not how plants work, John. Do you even know anything about anything?" Clary tossed the plant out the window, pot and all. There was a crashing sound and a very loud "OUCH!" Clary gave no shits.

"Anyway," John took Clary by the arm and led her into the hall, her unpacking completely forgotten. "After all the stories I told about my badass sister, my friends really wanted to meet you." In the hall stood a small group of people, maybe half a dozen. Clary recognized Jordan as her brother's boyfriend. Everyone else was an unfamiliar face, though one boy with golden hair and matching eyes caught her eye. She thought he was cute until he opened his mouth.

"So I heard this rumour that Dryads don't grow leg or pubic hair. They just grow small tree branches."

"Excuse me," Clary tried to keep her voice down. "I am a garden Dryad. I'm not bound to a tree like I'm someone's bitch. And I don't grow tree branches. I grow flower buds like a fucking lady."

The blond boy smiled. "Do the buds bloom?"

"If you leave them there long enough," Clary said defensively. "Not that I would know," She said a bit more quickly. "It's just a rumor."

"So I hear you got kicked out of your last school. What did you do?" asked a boy standing next to Jordan. He was tall, with sharp blue eyes and short black hair. And from the tone of his voice, Clary could also tell that he was a dick.

Clary smirked. She wasn't ashamed of this story. "Yeah, I got kicked out on purpose. That school was a joke. At first, I thought I would do well at Mary Jane Nature Academy because, well, duh," she said, gesturing to her pale, slightly tinted green face. "Anyway, the school was a joke. One of the mandatory classes was Flower Picking 101. It was constantly suggested that we grow and smoke weed for extra credit. Most of the teachers were addicted to this new kind of cocaine you harvest from tree bark. Anyway, I had to get the hell out of there, so during 'recreational meditation time' I went and picked a flower from the Sacred Garden. Boom. Instant expulsion." Clary clapped her hands, smiling with almost evil satisfaction, like she had just murdered a man and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Everyone else seemed mildly disturbed, which didn't really bother Clary. Jordan cleared his throat, like he was getting ready to change the subject. "But what about your boyfriend?"

Clary's smile fell from her face. "Don't even mention him. He was such a butt plug. I was only really dating him because sometimes he brought me free yogurt. Also I got coconuts every full moon."

"Why only on the full moon?" the blond boy asked.

"He's a weretree," Simon called from inside the room, already choking on his laughter. Everyone started laughing. Which was totally called for, but Clary was still annoyed.

"Could he move when he was in tree form?" the blue eyed boy asked, wheezing between words.

Clary tried to hide her blush, which was hard since she blushed green. "No. He could kind of sway in the wind. Sometimes he could drop coconuts at will if he really concentrated." Everyone continued to laugh. Clary even started to giggle a little. "He couldn't even change at will. Only on the full moon." She laughed harder. John fell on the floor.

"What was his name?" asked a girl with long black hair.

"Palmer," Clary snorted.

Jonathan checked his watch as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh shit," he said, suddenly alarmed. "We need to get to the auditorium."

"For what?" Clary asked, shutting her dorm room door behind her.

The Sorting Ceremony was a tradition at Alicante Academy, according to Jonathan. Its purpose was to sort the students into levels depending on their powers in order to place them in the correct classes. There were three levels; the Alphas, the Betas and the Omegas. Or as Jonathan called them, the Assholes, the Peasants and the Special Needs. Clary knew that John has been sorted into Alpha his last three years here, and there was no reason for a student to be demoted unless they had not improved at all since last year.

"You should have no problem getting into Alpha," John said, walking Clary to a row of seats where all his other friends were. She sat next to the blond boy, whose name she learned was Jace. John sat down at her right. "With your abilities and the pull you have since Mom and Dad both work here, they'll let you in no problem."

I asked what the difference was between the levels, and he said that it really just decides what gym class they put you in, because they can't have the Assholes kicking the Special Needs' butts on a daily basis.

Clary looked up and saw her dad, Luke, get on the stage at the front of the room. He tapped the microphone he held a few times to see if it was working, then spoke. "Everyone shut up." The room quieted immediately. "Welcome back to another year of torture and boredom. As per tradition, we will be starting off the year with the annual sorting ceremony. But since this is just the group of juniors and seniors, it's very rare that we have any new students. However, this year, my daughter, Clary, has transferred from Mary Jane Nature Academy," several people in the audience booed loudly, "because she wanted to branch out." Luke smiled like he just delivered the joke of a century. The crowd was completely silent. Clary groaned, sinking down in her seat. Luke cleared his throat in discomfort. "Anyway, in the spirit of competition, we will be starting off with our newest addition to Alicante Academy. Clary, come up on stage." Luke smiled directly at her, though she wasn't sure how since she was at the very back of the auditorium and all the lights were pointed at the stage. Must be a werewolf thing. A spotlight suddenly flickered on, pointing directly at Clary. She could feel herself blushing. She hated it when she blushed. The green always clashed with the red. She looked like a walking beacon of Christmas as she stood and started shuffling in front of the legs of the people who sat next to her.

As she passed Jace, she felt him slap her ass, the clapping sound filled the quiet room and a few people started to laugh.

John punched him in the face, which seemed to hurt John more than Jace. "Hey, that's my sister."

"Yeah, that's my daughter," Luke called from on stage.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, Clary thought, finally getting to the isle and walked up to the stage. Her first day and she's already daddy's little girl. Great.

Once she got on stage, she tried to clear her head. John said this would be easy. Just a simple demonstration of power.

Clary extended her hand, palm up, towards the audience. The audience let out a satisfying amount of ooh's and ah's as they watched her grow a simple rose from the palm of her hand. She tossed the rose to one of the judges, a slim woman with brown hair and pale skin, (whom she thought was the head mistress,) and smiled, bowing to the crown. Then she spread her arms wide and let a shower of pink flower petals rain over the auditorium. The crowd cheered, and Clary strutted off the stage confidently and retook her seat next to Jonathan.

"Was that last part too much? I don't want to look like I'm showing off. I really tried to tone it down," Clary whispered in her brother's ear.

"Are you kidding me?" John whispered back in a way that sounded like he was screaming very quietly. "That was pathetic. You've disgraced our family. Did you not know that this is literally the biggest pissing contest of the year? You're supposed to show off."

"Well no one fucking told me that!"

"Thank you for that lovely presentation," Luke said, coming back on stage. "The judges have concluded that Clary Greymark will be classed as Beta," Luke chocked it out, like he was saying Macbeth in a theatre.

Clary sat with her mouth wide open, unable to speak. John leaned in and patted Clary on the head. "Don't worry," he said in a consoling tone. "The rules state that if you challenge an Alpha and beat them, you get upgraded."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Simon's been trying for years."

Simon smiled at them, just as his name was called and he went up on stage. Clary thought that Simon was probably going to do some demonstration of strength or speed. He was a sorta kinda vampire. Simon's mother was bitten when she was pregnant with him, so he's basically a vampire, but he can walk in the sun and he ages like everyone else. So he's basically Blade. Except for one small detail.

Simon got up on stage, smiled at the audience, and morphed into a rat. It was so quick if you blinked you would have missed it. His small rat body scurried around the stage. He morphed back into a human and the crowd applauded politely. He walked over to a weight bench that was set up on the left of the stage and piled on some heavy looking weights onto the bar. "I will now lift 250 pounds. With one hand." The crowd cheered as Simon picked up the weight bar and lifted it a couple times before dropping back down. He bowed and walked off stage like he just won a million dollars.

Luke announced that he was Beta and no one was surprised.

Luke called up a girl named Isabelle Lightwood next, and the girl with the long black hair from earlier got up and walked to the stage. She was tall and quite pretty. Clary thought she might be a Siren or something.

Luke walked off stage and there were rattling sounds like someone was trying to jimmy open a lock, followed by a soft clip clop as a small deer walked on stage. Clary had always liked deer. They were soft and delicate and- OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK SHE JUST TURNED INTO A HYENA WHY IS SHE RIPPING IT APART THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE OH MY GOD

Clary sat frozen in her seat as Isabelle walked off the stage wiping blood from her face. Luke dragged the mauled deer carcase off of the stage and announced Isabelle as Beta. Clary wasn't sure what it would take to get into Alpha if that wasn't enough, because that was fucking nasty and horrifying.

A few more names were called before Luke called the name Maia Roberts. A girl who sat at the other end of the room stood and walked onto the stage carrying a large metal bucket.

Jace gagged next to her, trying to look away but his eyes kept wandering back to the stage. "I hate this part. She's so disgusting."

Clary rolled her eyes. "Don't be rude. I'm sure it's fine. You're just overreacting."

Maia got onto the stage and took the microphone from Luke, who looked like he was trying really hard not to get too close to her. Once he had handed her the mic, he took a bottle of hand sanitizer out of his pocket and proceeded cleanse his entire arm. "Can I have a volunteer from the audience?" Maia asked.

After a moment of silence, Clary started to feel bad. No one was raising their hand, so Clary started to, just to be polite. Just as she started to lift her hand, both John and Jace slapped her hand back down into her lap.

"Don't even think about it," John whispered.

"You'll thank us later," Jace said.

"Too bad," Maia mumbled and proceeded to dump out the contents of the bucket onto the floor in front of her. Jace tried his best to hold back his dry heaving.

"What is that?" Clary asked, squinting at the stage. She was at the very back so it was pretty difficult to see what was going on. "It kind of looks like-"

"It looks like exactly what it is," Jace interrupted. "It's fucking human shit. She's gonna roll around in human shit."

Just as Jace bent over to dry heave again, Maia's body shrunk down until she could barely be seen from where Clary was sitting. "Are you fucking kidding me," Clary muttered. She just turned into a fucking dung beetle.

Clary sat back and looked away, trying to focus on rubbing Jace's back so she wouldn't have to look at what was going on stage. "Are you ok?" she asked, leaning forward so he could hear. "Do you need a bucket? There's one on stage."

Jace's only response was to dry heave more violently.

Maia turned back into a human and she smiled at the completely silent crowd. "I love you, Simon Lewis!" She jumped face first into the crowd as though she was expecting everyone to swarm and catch her shit covered body. Everyone moved away quickly, and there was a loud cracking sound like bones breaking. Maia stood up, her jaw shifted a little too far to the left, and shouted something that sound either like "I'm ok" or "I'm so gay." Though after her declaration it was safe to assume that it was the first one.

The stage was thoroughly sanitized and Luke found a new microphone. A few more people went and demonstrated their power. There was a girl named Aline who could turn into and elephant. She was an Alpha. Jordan went next. He turned into an enormous wolf and slaughtered a rabid bear. Alpha. Alec was up next. There were targets set up around the room and Alec very impressively got a bullseye every time. He was classed as Alpha, which kind of surprised Clary. But then again, Hawkeye was an Avenger right? Magnus went. He did some Warlock shit. Alpha.

Luke called up a boy named Denis, who had been sitting next to Magnus. Once he was on stage, he yelled out to the crowd, "Have you ever seen a man pull a rabbit out of his anus?"

"Yes," Magnus called back, sounding severely annoyed. Denis ignored him. He then pulled a (surprisingly white) rabbit out of the back of his pants and set it down on the stage. The audience applauded and Denis walked off stage. Alpha.

Are you fucking kidding me? Clary thought. John must have seen her face because he leaned in and whispered, "Like I said, they don't demote you unless you really haven't learned anything. Denis was valedictorian last year, so that basically gives him a free pass to dick around and not have to worry about being demoted."

Denis walked towards the judges and handed the fluffy white rabbit to the judge in the middle, and winked.

John went next. He seemed kind of indifferent about the whole thing but when he got up on stage he still gave a pretty great show. He unsheathed his swords, (and by unsheathed, I mean he literally grew the blades out of his wrists. Nasty) and stood at the ready. No one seemed to know what was really going to happen until the loud rattling sound went off. The whole crowd practically jumped as they turned to see two men standing at the back of either isle, firing machine guns at John.

Clary sighed. Fucking show off.

On stage, John was swinging his swords around too fast for anyone's eyes to follow, deflecting all the bullets as they came at him.

Once he was done showing off like a complete ass hole, he invited Jace on stage, (who stood from his seat with a big smile on his face, clearly excited about what was coming.) Once he was on stage, John handed him a gun and told him to shoot him anywhere. Clary understood why he hadn't asked her to do it. He knew she would have shot him right in the dick.

After three shots went off, one in the leg and two in the chest, John dug out the bullets and showed everyone how the holes closed up almost immediately. Alpha.

The boys returned to their seats.

Next was a boy named Sebastian Verlac. Clary heard someone stand up a few rows behind her and looked to see the boy. He was a tall glass of yum. Dark hair, dark eyes, perfect smile. Hot damn. I would love to- oh shit, he's smiling at me. Smile back, Clary, smile back. Clary smiled back at him. Goddammit, he's gonna think you just ripped one.

"What are you doing?" John whispered to her, forcing her to look away from her future husband. She tried to say something, but John started talking again before she could. "That guy's bad news. Don't be his friend."

Clary rolled her eyes. Just because John had some petty rivalry with this guy didn't mean he wasn't attractive as fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Sebastian got on stage and started prepping for whatever he was going to do. Jace let out a very derisive sound.

"What's with you?" Clary asked. Jace said nothing. "Ooooh, I get it. You're into him and you're upset that he won't get with you. That's why John hates him, because you guys are bros."

Jace turned his head to her slowly, like he needed to take some time to process what she said before he could address it. "You… You think I'm gay?"

"Well, I mean it's obvious that you take good care of yourself."

"Ooooh," Jace smirked. He sat up a bit straighter so he was looking down into her eyes. "So you think I'm attractive but you didn't want to address your sexual attraction and it's just easier for you to think I'm gay than admit you want to bang me. I get that a lot."

Clary rolled her eyes, but didn't admit that he was kinda right.

Clary looked back towards the stage, to Sebastian. He looked the same, but something seemed different. It took Clary a second to realize his shadow was gone.

The crowd gasped as they watched Sebastian's shadow move and walk on its own, completely separate from his body. The shadow walked towards the back of the room where Clary was sitting, and suddenly she was floating. She could feel arms around her, holding her bridal style, but there was no one there. She looked down and saw that Sebastian's shadow was holding hers, walking her up to the stage. She looked back to her friends and could have sworn she saw smoke coming out of Jace's nose. Once they were half way down the aisle, Clary was set back on the ground, and suddenly she was dancing. The shadow spun her and led her towards the stage. She danced up the steps and into Non-Shadow Sebastian's arms and he dipped her, kissing her on the tip of her nose. "I'm Sebastian," he said with a dazzling smile.

"Clary," she mumbled, trying not to get lost in his eyes.

"I know." The whole audience stood and applauded. Sebastian led Clary off stage with his hand around her waist. "I saw your performance earlier. Its total BS that you weren't classed as Alpha." He said the word "Alpha" in unison with Luke. They stopped at Clary's row and he smiled at her. "See you around, Poppy," he said, flicking a lock of her hair from her shoulder.

Clary went back and sat down with the biggest dumbass smile on her face.

"Poppy? Really?" John grumbled, clearly annoyed.

"I know," Clary blushed. "Isn't it so cute?"

"Whatever," Jace muttered angrily. "Anyone can do nicknames, Ginge."

"Last but not least, Jace Herondale," Luke said from the stage. The audience grumbled bitterly. Clearly they knew what was going to happen next.

Jace smiled and stood. "You think that shadow shit was cool? Just wait, little Ginge." He stretched his arms a few times before jogging up to the stage and took the microphone from Luke.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Maia. If you reach under your seats you'll find a fire-proof poncho. Thank you. Also, fuck you Verlac!"

Jace threw the microphone to the ground and took off his shirt. At first nothing happened, and Clary thought that maybe they needed the ponchos because his abs are fire. But then he turned, showing everyone his back where he had a very impressive tattoo of a set of dragon wings. The wings suddenly didn't look so two-dimensional. They began to peel from his back and suddenly they were real, flapping and bringing his body up into the air. He turned towards the crowd, smiled, and breathed fire.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Needless to say, Clary was glad she had put on her poncho.

Jace's wings retracted while he was still in mid-air. He summersaulted back down onto the stage and bowed. The audience stood, applauding.

Jace strutted off stage back towards Clary. She could barely hear Luke announce him as an Alpha over the roar of the audience.

People started to file out of the auditorium, since the sorting was over. Clary tried to walk towards the isle, but her foot caught on the base of one of the seats and she fell forward. Jace caught her, and she didn't realize until then that he was still shirtless.

He smiled down at her. "I know you did that on purpose just to touch my abs. Still wish I was gay?"

So there's our first chapter! hope you guys enjoyed it.

Can you tell we hate Maia? Did we make it obvious enough?

Just to clarify, in case you guys were wondering, John is basically Deadpool. Just for the sword thing, picture the very shitty Deadpool interpretation from the really shitty Wolverine movie from, like, 2009. You dig?

xoxo

-R&A