Intervention
"I don't know what else I could possibly tell you guys," Samantha said as she followed Gordon through the MCU. "We've been through this like fifty times. The Joker's gone and I don't know where he's at."
"Well we've got some new information that we'd like to speak to you about." Gordon explained as he opened the door to the interrogation room.
"New information?" She frowned. "I told you....he's gone. I don't know where he went and to be honest good fucking riddance. I mean he's been a real pain in the ass. Do you have any idea how hard he is to deal with? The mood swings, the knives, the whole 'wheeee I'm gonna destroy Gotham' schtick? He can go fu......."
Gordon cleared his throat, looking over her shoulder into the interrogation room. She turned around and barely contained a gasp.
"What the hell is this?" She demanded.
Sitting in the room was Batman, Scarecrow and the Joker.
"Have a seat Sam," Gordon said, steering her towards the table.
"Uh no I'd rather not," she mumbled. "I need to go. I've gotta go return some movies......"
"Sit down. NOW." Batman snapped gruffly.
"Uh yeah I don't think so buddy. This is a little weird."
"Fine, don't sit. But you are going to listen to us." Gordon said, shutting the door behind him.
"What's all this about anyway? All you guys in the same room is a little out there. Especially with those two here." She pointed at the Joker and Scarecrow.
Gordon sat down. "Sam we're all here today to talk to you about your....drug problem."
"My what? Oh my God, this is an intervention isn't it?" She spun to the Joker angrily. "Did you do this? Of course you did, always playing your little games. Always up to something. Can't you get a normal hobby?"
"Me? Oh and I heard what you were saying on your way in here. Pain in the ass huh? Good riddance?" He leaned back and grinned. "You weren't saying that last week. Well maybe the pain in the ass part...."
"Okay, that's enough," Gordon said, exchanging disgusted looks with Batman. "No squabbling. Samantha we're not here for a confrontation...."
"Think of it as a care-frontation." Scarecrow interrupted.
"We just want you to get help," Gordon continued. "Now I'm going to hand it over to Dr. Crane."
"You're kidding me," Sam said incredulously. "He's my interventionist? He's wearing a fucking sack over his head for Christ's sake."
"I'm shy," Scarecrow hissed. "You would be too if you looked like me. You know what the real tragedy is though? I used to have the best features. Someone once described me as 'ethereal'."
"Ya look fine," the Joker interjected and looked at his watch. "Look, can we get on with this doc? I've got things to do."
"Fine. Now what we're going to do is let everyone in the room have their say about how your addiction has impacted their lives. So who'd like to go first?"
Gordon, Batman and the Joker all looked at each other uncomfortably. The room was silent.
"I'll go," Batman growled and the other men sighed in relief. "I didn't write anything down but I don't need to. Samantha your problems have made it very difficult for me to find the Joker. And you lied to me. You told me you hadn't seen the Joker in a month when he just said he saw you last week...."
"He lies!" Samantha protested, shooting the Joker a dirty look.
"Now now," Scarecrow admonished. "Care-frontation Bats. Our goal is not to alienate her but to make her want to get help."
"I trained with ninjas in Asia! Do you have any idea how strenuous that was? If I had my way I'd send her there, see how she enjoys it."
"Ninjas?" Samantha asked doubtfully. "I'll pass. Sounds a little silly."
"Silly? It wasn't silly! I learned to........."
"Ahem, well then," Scarecrow looked at the other two men. "Who's next?"
"Oh screw it," the Joker muttered, pulling a tattered and dirty piece of paper from his pocket. He cleared his throat and glanced around the room to make sure everyone was paying attention. "Samantha your drug abuse has uh impacted my life in the following ways: First of all I think you steal the change from my pockets when I'm asleep."
"I do not!"
"Ah ta ta, I'm not done. I'm also pretty sure you were giving the eye to one of my thugs and I'm sure you were high at the time. Oh and let's not forget the time you passed out in my getaway van and threw up on one of the dogs...."
"Enough," she snapped. "Now you're just making things up."
"Oh sure I am. If that dog could talk he'd verify my story."
"Well he's not going to verify it. Know why? Because he's a dog."
"Denial isn't just a river in the Nile you know."
She looked at him blankly. "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt." She corrected.
"That too."
"I can't believe you're taking part in this," she scoffed. "You're the worst enabler ever. Since the beginning you've always been like 'Need some pills Sam? Here's a whole bottle, have at it'. Every story we're in you're like that and now all of a sudden you're wanting me to go to rehab?"
"You steal my change Sam. While I'm asleep. A guy's gotta draw the line somewhere."
"Well I can see we're not getting anywhere," Gordon said. "So I'm going to start."
"But I wasn't done," the Joker snarled.
"Yes you were. Look Samantha your problem has made my life difficult too. Whenever I talk to you your eyes look like two pissholes in the snow and you slur your words. You constantly lie about the freaky shit you and the clown do when everyone knows what's going on. Even Batman knows."
"It's disgusting too," Batman added.
"You're wishy-washy and untrustworthy," Gordon continued. "And I think you stole the change from my coat pocket back when I was interrogating you in another story. I know I had seven quarters but later on I checked and I didn't have any. Only pennies. I really wanted a Kit-Kat from the vending machine that day and you ruined it."
"I told ya not to trust her." The Joker said angrily.
"And I like you Sam. I really do. Batman hates you but I've always stuck my neck out for you," Gordon sighed. "But today I have to issue you an ultimatum. Either you go to rehab or we'll have to find someone else to take your place."
"What?! You'd get rid of me over some change and a few lies?" Samantha stared in horror at Gordon.
"See, she just admitted stealing the change," the Joker said. "You're busted honey."
"Oh shut up, it was just a few quarters. Gordon, you can't do that to me!"
"I can and I will. We already have a few characters lined up that could potentially replace you. Canon characters."
"Canon??" She gasped. "Who are they?"
Gordon looked at the other men hesitantly and they nodded for him to continue.
"Uh Rachel Dawes, Anna Ramirez and....." Gordon shook his head. "Harley Quinn."
"Oh that's rich!" Samantha shouted. "Rachel is dead....I'm not even sure who the fuck Anna Ramirez is and Harley Quinn? Really Gordon? You know she drinks, right? And good luck listening to her voice for a few more stories. You'll be wanting to claw your own eyes out by the third chapter."
"She's got a nice ass though," the Joker remarked.
Samantha glared at him. "If by nice ass you mean fat then she sure does."
Gordon rubbed his temples. "All you have to do is go to rehab. 90 days. That's it. Go, get clean, stay clean and we'll let you stay."
"Which rehab place?" She asked. "Is it a nice one with spas and all?"
"Uh well," Gordon glanced around the room and the other men nodded wearily. "The only thing we could afford was Arkham."
"But we have a wonderful program! The food is to die for too." Scarecrow said brightly.
Samantha stared at each of them, one after the other. "The only reason I'm doing this is because I don't want to see that little blonde flithead in my place. And what would I be doing if I weren't in these stories? Having sex with guys not old enough to drink and playing video games probably. Actually that sounds pretty good.....but anyway yeah I'll go."
"Oh wonderful!" Scarecrow clapped excitedly. "Now let's all give her a big group hug. You made the right decision Sam! After this you'll leave straight for Arkham."
"I hate you all." She muttered as they surrounded her for a hug.
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A/N: Directly influenced by an episode of "The Sopranos" and the tv show "Intervention". I also had to work in an "American Psycho" and "Gossip Girl" reference, lol.