i wrote this story sometime last summer but time flies and i'm away at school a lot and this site is blocked there so...anyway, i got round to putting this up...i'm going back tuesday night but anytime i'm home or in an internet cafe with my laptop, i'll try to update...if i get lots of reviews for this before i leave i might put the next chapter, or more, up...enjoy

Here Comes the Sun

Brooke:

I lie looking at the ceiling of our bedroom, praying that this time it'll be different, this time it'll be what we want, this time it'll be what we've waited for, this time it'll be positive.
The timer goes and I rise to take a look. I take a deep breath, hope rises in my heart and I can feel my hand tremble as I reach out to pick it up. The pregnancy test. It's negative. Negative. Negative. Again. Tears rise in my eyes and I walk into our en-suite bathroom and chuck it in the trash. Why isn't this happening? Why aren't I a mother yet?
I grab my jacket and leave the house, keys in my pocket, slamming the door shut with a frustrated satisfaction. I need to clear my head.
I've wanted to be a mother for about a year now. I'm 25 and have been married to Lucas for 4 years now. Everybody thought we were crazy when they found wedding invitations in their dorm rooms and Lucas' mother told him getting married before leaving college was one of the stupidest ideas she'd heard. It was a good thing Haley and Nathan weren't around. But then she added, "Stupid and insanely romantic" and we left it at that. We were getting married. Jake and Peyton got married the summer after we all graduated. And a year after she gave birth to Kyle. And 8 months later Haley gave birth to James' little sister, Grace. But me-nothing. The odd thing was when we left college, I told Lucas that I wasn't going to want kids for awhile, "Not until we're 27 at least" I told him and he just nodded. It wasn't until sometime about a year and a half ago that I realized that I wanted kids. We were living in San Francisco at the time, for Lucas' work, he was writing a book set there and insisted that if we spent the year there then he's book would be better. 3 months into our stay, I found out I was pregnant. And instead of being annoyed that it was too soon, I was pleased. More than pleased, I was excited, ecstatic, thrilled. And so was Lucas.
We went to the doctor's regularly and would lie in bed at night, wondering what our kid would look like and who it'd take after. We didn't tell anyone back home, we though that it'd be a nice surprise when they next visited.
One day, we went to the doctor's. I remember this bit clearly. I lay on the table and the doctor put some gel on my stomach and used the ultra-sound machine. It was the first time we saw it. She told us that, in a month, we'd know whether it was a boy or a girl. I remember grabbing Lucas' hand and squeezing it. He grinned at me and said, "Thank you, Pretty Girl" When we got in the car, I asked him why he said that. He replied, "You're giving me the life I always wanted, you and our kids" We were about 20 minutes away from the hospital when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I didn't think much of it, assuming it was a nasty pregnancy addition like gas or heartburn, but then there was this whoosh. And suddenly there was blood everywhere. I don't like revisiting this memory in my mind, it gets blurry.
I remember Lucas saying, "Oh, shit, you're miscarrying" Miscarrying? Me?
He turned the car around and sped to the hospital but it was too late, I'd lost our baby. It was my birthday.
2 days later, when he picked me up to take me home again, I noticed there was a cover on the passenger seat. I lifted it up, despite his protests. It was still covered in my blood.
"I can't get it out" he explained, almost embarrassed, ashamed.
I nodded but I couldn't get sit there, instead I climbed in the back.
The next day we got a new car. I didn't talk much for the next month or so. All I really said was that I was adamant that we were not to tell anybody. And we didn't.
I didn't really think about another baby for a little bit after that. I was too busy mourning the loss of the first one. I had a name picked out and everything. Tristan if it was a boy, Delia if a girl. Now I can't bear to hear those names. But then I started getting distracted by children in cafes or shops and when we were out in town, I'd stop at the baby clothes in store windows and stare for ages.
One night, close to the time we returned to Tree Hill, Lucas came up to me with my pills, which I'd switched to from patches as experience had taught me patches weren't reliable, and asked, "Are you sure you want to keep taking these?" I smiled and raised my eyebrow, "Am I that obvious?" Lucas laughed and crouched down in front of the armchair I was in. "Not really" he answered before kissing me.
And ever since, we've been trying. Trying, not succeeding. It's odd. I'm only 25, you wouldn't have thought that a woman my age would have problems getting knocked up.
I almost had a car accident the other day as I was driving past a school. The little children were playing outside and I was so captivated even though it hurt to look at them. And because I was looking at them and not the road, I almost collided with another car. I can't bear to look at the window of children's clothes store and it hurts when Haley and Peyton bring their kids over. But I can't tell them this, I can't tell anyone-not even Lucas. I love Lucas so much but I don't think he'd really understand what I'm going through. Our marriage hasn't broken down because of our desire to have children but I'd definitely say it's not perfect, not like it once was. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with Lucas. But I don't want it just to be us, I want there to our children too. A mini Lucas and a mini me. I know we love each other. We do. But we both want a child to love too.
I go to the park; I know the children won't be there, it's too late in the afternoon for children to be in the park, it's nearly evening. I sit on the swing and I can see them, our kids. Our boy, he looks just like Lucas, he's on the other swing. But he's not sitting on it, he's standing. And he's singing as he moves his body to try and make the swing move. Our girl, she's got my brown hair, about shoulder length, a little shorter. She's on the slide and she's yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, watch me go down the slide" I open my mouth, about to call back to her, "I'm watching, Sweetheart" but then I remember, she's not real, they're not real. I know these children, they are in my dreams. Every night, they are there, calling to me as we go to the park, or play on the beach, but then something goes wrong and I can't see them anymore, all I can do is hear their voices calling, "Mommy"., until I wake up.
I spend about half an hour trying to conjure them back in mind, still sitting on the swing but then I realize that it's getting late and I should get back. Lucas will be worried. Last week, I went swimming at the Y, despite us having our own pool. I just wanted to see the children there, despite how much it hurts and despite how weird and creepy it sounds. When I was leaving, I was passed by Haley.
"Hey, Brooke" She started, "Why are you going to the Y? You've got your own pool" I blushed and coughed before coming up with a lame excuse, "Our filter's broken and there's all this gross dead insect mass in ours" I lied. It was a minute too late and she knew I was lying. But she nodded anyway and smiled.
That evening, Lucas asked, "Is the filter in the pool broken?" "Huh?" I looked up from my magazine, "What now?" "Haley saw you leaving the Y with wet hair and you told her the filter was broken in our pool" He explained.
"Oh yeah" I replied, "I got it fixed this afternoon" He nodded but he also knew I was lying. And now he thinks I'm going mad.
I open the front door and hang up my jacket. Lucas comes in the hallway from the living room. "Hey, Pretty Girl" He pulls me into his arms, "I was wondering where you'd gone" "I needed to go for a walk" I reply, pushing my face into his chest, enjoying the safe comfort it gives me.
Neither of us talks for a moment, just enjoying each other;s company. Then he says, "I'm sorry" I look up at his face "I found the test in the trash" He kisses my forehead, "It'll happen for us, I promise, it will" "When?" I ask "It just takes time for some people-remember, we're not making any baby, we're making a perfect baby, OUR baby" I nod and change the subject, "What do you want for supper?" I can see the pain in his eyes; he wants to talk about this. But I don't.

so there it is...first chapter...hope you like it...you can review, if you want...hint hint cough cough