Even If It Breaks Your Heart

Tonks/Lupin

[Interesting Words Challenge:

1. Mágoa - a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions

2. L'appel du vide - the unexplainable desire to jump when on the edge of a cliff]

[Legendary Gods and Goddesses Competition: Hachiman - Write about someone trying to protect someone else.]

The first time she says it is after she finds out he's a werewolf.

"Remus," she said, rolling her eyes. "Do you really think people care?"

"I know they do," he said, not meeting her eye. "I'm dangerous."

"Everyone knows you," she said, laying a hand on his shoulder. He looked surprised at the touch. "We know you aren't dangerous. We love you."

He smiled wanly.

"And if it's such a big deal," she added, "I'll just be a werewolf with you." She let her nose grow into a long snout.

He laughed. "Thank you," he said, and he didn't seem to notice her heart deflated a little, because she'd been hoping for a different response.

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.

The second time she says it is in Grimmauld Place, where it slips out without permission.

She stumbled over the ugly umbrella stand and was about to hit the ground just as a pair of hands caught her around the waist. "Careful," he whispered at her ear. "Don't want to wake the portrait."

"Right," she breathed. Her heart was pounding. She hoped he couldn't tell.

(She hoped he could, and she hoped he knew exactly why it was beating so loudly.)

"Thanks," she added, and then, out of habit, because it was usually her mother picking her up: "I love you."

She felt her face turn bright red (which she concealed with a quick change of her complexion). He looked mildly amused. "Doesn't everyone?" he joked, patting her shoulder, and he let her go and went downstairs to the meeting.

Her shoulder tingled for hours.

Some dreams keep on getting better.

The third time it is said intentionally, and it comes out so quickly that he doesn't even hear.

"Are you on duty tonight?" she asked.

"No," he said. "Are you? Do you need someone to cover for you?"

She shook her head. "Just . . . some company."

He looked down at her. "Dora, you look sick. Maybe you need a night off."

"I feel fine." It wasn't true. She felt pallid and weary and gray, and she knew she looked it, too, knew her hair was mousy and her skin was stretched too tightly over her bones. And she couldn't change it, no matter how hard she tried.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "D'you - d'you think we could go for drinks sometime? After a shift, maybe?"

He looked surprised to hear her ask. "Sure. I'll see if Moody wants to come along."

"No." Her heart was speeding up again. "Just you and me."

"Why?"

"Because - "

(Here she was, poised over edge of a cliff, and she knew she couldn't undo it, but she wanted so badly to jump.)

" - because Iloveyou."

"Sorry?"

"I'm in love with you."

He stood so still that for a moment, Tonks wondered if he'd heard. Then he shook his head. "No," he said. "You aren't." And he turned around and walked back the way they'd come.

Oh, don't let it break your heart.

The next time - weeks later - he's the one who says it.

"Dora?" he asked. "Can I talk to you?"

"What." She wouldn't look at him.

"You told me something personal about yourself a few weeks ago, and I just wanted to return the favor."

"Go ahead." She wished she didn't feel so dead.

He took a deep breath. "If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm in love with you, too."

A chill ran through her. "You are?"

"Yes."

Tonks swallowed. "Well. That's great, then. That's - "

"But," he continued, and he looked genuinely sorry. "We can't - I don't want to be with you."

"Why not?"

"I'm not right for you. Look at me. Look at what I am."

"If this is because you're a werewolf - "

"It is. You don't deserve someone like me."

Somehow she ached more now than she had earlier. "But . . . But you're the one I want."

"It's too complicated." He dug his hands into his pockets. "Maybe if things were less complicated . . ."

"If you weren't complicated, you wouldn't be you," she shot back.

"I'm sorry, Dora. I wish we could. In a perfect world, we would. In a heartbeat."

He faltered on the word heart.

Gotta keep believing if you want to know for sure.

The next time, it's finally requited.

"You see!" Tonks pointed at Bill's sleeping figure in the hospital bed. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," he whispered. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely - "

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" She seized the front of his robes. "I've told you a million times!"

"Dora," he hissed. "I've told you a million times. I'm too old for you. I'm too poor for you. I'm too dangerous."

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," interjected Mrs. Weasley.

"I am not being ridiculous. Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you," said Mr. Weasley. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."

He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them.

"May I talk to you in the hallway?" Remus said to Tonks, dragging her out by the sleeve before he even got an answer. "Dora. This is not the time, not the place."

"I'm so tired of waiting for the time and place!" she shouted. "I love you. That's all. I love you. And you need to realize that there are more important things than protecting everyone. I don't want to be protected anymore. You think you're broken? I'm broken, too. And broken people can't fix themselves, Remus, we don't know how. We need people to help us, people who are broken, too, because they understand. We need each other. And I don't care how dangerous you think you are, I'm an auror and a Hufflepuff, and we're specifically designed to deal with danger in a compassionate way, which is why I - mmph!"

He kissed her hard.

Keep on dreaming.