An angsty twincest fic, Kaoru's POV.

Summary: We all know that Hikaru and Kaoru were both very fond of Haruhi, but imagine how Kaoru must have really felt while he encouraged Hikaru to go after his feelings (sort of). Story about Kaorus' emotional break-down concerning his fear of everything changing, of Hikaru moving on and letting someone else into his heart.

Warning: Language, incest, BL, graphic smex (in the next chapter that is ^^)

Word count: 2,016

Two-Shot

Unfocused

"Hurry up, Kaoru!" My brothers' voice sounded through the bathroom door, whiney and impatient. I could picture him clearly in my mind; leaning against the door with one shoulder, knocking with the back of his knuckles of the other hand, and wearing nothing but a pair of pale orange sweats and a scowl. I smiled to myself and stepped into the tub, the hard spray of the hot water pounding against my head and shoulders.

"If you want a shower so bad, Hikaru, why don't you just join me?" I called out teasingly, lathering some of our favorite shampoo into my hair. The suggestion was mostly meant for the new maids I knew were currently occupying our room, making the bed. I imagined them blushing profusely, eyes wide and mouths agape as they peeked around their long hair at Hikaru, waiting breathlessly for his no doubt scandalous reply.

New maids were such fun! So much more entertaining than the ones that had been working for us for several years; those maids were a lot harder to hassle, for they were accustomed to our "incestuous tendencies", as our father less-than-endearingly called our brotherly love.

"What a splendid idea, Kaoru!" Hikaru cried joyfully. "We shall save time and water!"

There was a pause; I pictured my twin smirking devilishly at the maids. "Or perhaps we'll only save water."

There were two loud gasps, a quick series of thudding that could have only been two pairs of feet rushing towards the exit, before I heard the slamming of our door and my brother entered our bathroom, chuckling to himself. "New maids…" he snorted, echoing my earlier musings.

It may have seemed horribly wrong to outsiders, or perhaps just a sick joke, if the maids' dramatic reactions were anything to go by, but Hikaru was all too serious in accepting my offer. As he closed the door, a cold waft of air blew in from our bedroom. I shivered, pulling my hands out of my partially rinsed hair and rubbing them vigorously up and down their opposite arm.

I could barely distinguish my twin from the rest of the room through the sliding glass of the shower door; it was specially designed to let in plenty of light, while making anything on either side blurry and difficult to focus on. Of course, it didn't help that the glass was all fogged up from the hot water too.

The faint bit of orange disappeared from the fuzzy figure as Hikaru quickly stripped and, without hesitation, joined me in the large tub. Noting the nearly invisible goose bumps that had risen all over my body with a scrutiny that only one like my twin could possess, Hikaru pulled me into an embrace, and I gratefully leaned into to his solid warmth. The cold air rapidly vanished, unable to withstand the combined heat of Hikaru at my back and the powerful spray of the water.

Having concentrated more on getting warm than on actually washing myself, I had forgotten about the soap in my hair. This is until it slid down my forehead and into my eyes; momentarily blinded, I rubbed my stinging eyes furiously with an irritated moan, pulling away from Hikaru to wash away the offending substance. He murmured sympathetically, resting his chin companionably on my shoulder and grasping my waist from behind.

"Okay?" he asked worriedly..

"Yeah, I'm alright," I mumbled back. "Stupid soap…"

Believing me without question, he raised his head and grabbed a bar of soap from a ledge jutting out from the shower wall. At the same time, I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and squeezed some into my hand, lathering it into his hair as he began to wash my front.. I scratched his scalp in the way he liked, and was rewarded with a pleased hum. His fingers trailed lightly along my sides, sending me into a fit of uncontrollable giggling. Hikaru grinned mischievously at me; I've always been more ticklish than him, which meant retaliation was difficult.

"Stop it, Hikaru!" I laughed, batting half-heartedly at his hands. "You know I hate that!"

"Lies," he dismissed my complaint with an airy wave of his hand, a rather good impression of the overly-dramatic King. "Hey, Kaoru," he added, doing an about-face. "That spot…?"

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly and grinned, kneading the small spot between my twins' shoulder blades until I heard a quiet pop. "Better?" I ask.

"Much," he purred gratefully.

"You and that spot," I laughed softly when he turned to face me once again. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing my head into his chest. I breathed in the familiar scent of his warm, wet skin, murmuring words of comfort and brotherly affection, so quietly that he might not have heard me over the gentle roar of the water as thousands of droplets shattered against the marble walls, glass and our bodies. This was our moment, during the day and before Host activities, when we could really be together, without anyone watching and questioning us. In our own private world….We still believed that no one could ever understand us completely; we doubted whether or not anyone could really tell us apart, and to be honest, I'm not sure we really cared anymore.

There was nothing sexual about our showering together; it was just another way of distancing ourselves from the outside world, escaping to a warm, quiet place where nothing mattered but us. Us, we, our…together, without end, and that's exactly how I wish it could stay, forever and always…

But I knew, deep down, that this wouldn't last…and, for the sake of my impetuous, emotional twin, I hoped that, when the time came that we needn't always be together, I would find the strength in myself to let him go…

'What a selfish creature I am', I thought, opening my eyes slightly and squeezing Hikaru tightly, anchoring myself to his tall, memorable frame, fitting my equally tall figure against his in a way that few people could.

The thought alone of losing my beloved brother to anyone brought angry tears to my golden eyes, and I turned my face towards the sharp spray from the showerhead to hide them. I didn't want Hikaru to see me upset, but I especially didn't want him to know why I was upset. It was hard enough keeping up a composed façade while he was unaware of my morose thoughts; if he actually knew what I was thinking…well, I didn't want to go into that.

I looked into the face I knew as well as my own, quite possibly better, and choked back a strangled sob. His golden eyes, so similar to mine and yet completely different, burned into mine, seeming to search for the source of distress he could more than likely feel in my tightened muscles and see on my face.

I wanted to smile reassuringly at him, but could force my mouth to do anything but frown slightly, so I nervously buried my face in the nape of his neck, unable to hold his intense gaze any longer for fear he would read my thoughts in my expression. If he asked, I wouldn't lie…but he couldn't know!

Hikaru cupped my chin and gently lifted my head up, staring at me until I looked him in the eye. "Kaoru…" he murmured, with a tender smile.

But, there was a strange, absent look in his eyes that made me wonder if he had any inkling at all of the agony I was in. It was like he was looking through me; not ignoring me exactly, but not paying me any particular attention either. That vacant stare cut me to the core; nothing he could have ever said would have hurt more than that look. I wasn't the only thing on his mind, and realizing that he might not care for me above all others as I cared for him pierced my already aching heart and froze the blood in my veins.

As much as I desired for my brother to be happy, I couldn't stave off the jealous rage that suddenly burned in my belly. It was selfish and wrong of me to want to be the only thing that mattered to him…but, for the first time in my life, I didn't care. I let that resentful fire burn, encouraged it to grow. Hikaru was mine, damn it, and I didn't want to share!

"Hikaru!" His name caught in my throat, coming out as a harsh sob. Tears spilling over in abundance, I didn't try to hold back my misery, digging my nails into his arms as I quivered with sorrow and fury.

The unfocused look faded at last, clearing the bright gold of his iris.

"What is it, Kaoru?" he asked anxiously. His fingers trailed lightly down my cheek, following the path of my astringent tears.

"Y-you're…I can't…Hikaru!" I couldn't bring myself to voice aloud my self-centered desires. I took a deep shuddering breath. Hikaru was bleeding now, where my nails had pierced his skin, but he took no notice. His concern meant far more to me than even I expected, and the tears began anew. I wept and he held me, whispering that it would be alright, begging that I tell him what happened, but I couldn't now. I couldn't tell him.

I looked down, hugging Hikaru more gently as I calmed down. An ice cold feeling of dread cooled the burning anger in my stomach. I wasn't being fair; Hikaru deserved to let another into his heart, to give a voice to his emotions. It would be good for him, and frankly he needed it. He needed someone besides me in his life, or he would never move on in his.

The cooling water flowed down our bodies in little rivulets, weaving their way down with obscure twists and turns, until the point where we pressed ourselves together forced them to halt abruptly and split apart, each going their separate ways. A bad omen if I ever saw one…

"Kaoru…?"

I sniveled, sighed again, and gave my brother a feeble smile while I wiped away any remaining tears. "It's okay, brother. I'm fine. Just…a little stressed out, that's all."

Hikaru glared reproachfully at me. "Don't you dare lie to me, Kaoru; what's wrong?"

"Please, Hikaru, don't-"

"Tell me!" he demanded angrily, grasping my arms and shaking me insistently.

"I promise you, Hikaru, if it was something you need worry about, I'd tell you, really. Believe me…it's nothing important…" Staring hard into his eyes, I silently begged him not to force me to speak. I couldn't tell him! This would be the one and only secret I would ever keep from my twin, if he wasn't so persistent about it.

"KAORU! Stop- mmmf!"

I did the only thing I could think to do to silence his furious questioning; I threw my arms about his neck, yanked him towards me, and pressed my lips to his.

I watched for his reaction through a partially lidded gaze; he was most definitely shocked, and I'd successfully stopped the questions and accusations.

No one had ever told us that brotherly affection could be taken too far. Never having kissed anyone besides each other, we had nothing to compare to, and this was, for the most part, natural to us. Though the sudden bit of tongue I slid into his mouth was probably unexpected.

Hikaru started to pull away, stuttering my name uncertainly against my lips, but I was adamant, desperate to keep him distracted. I couldn't let him know about my uncertainties. He had to open up. It was imperative!

So why was I kissing him? Because I was a selfish bastard, and if I couldn't have him forever, then I was sure as hell going to make the most of whatever time I had left with him while he was still mine and mine alone.

As stated before, ze smex shall be in ze next chapter. I don't care if you don't like it, but I'd be very pleased if you left a review anyway. I'll be updating in a week or so in any case so...mozel tov.

BTW: The story idea/dialogue came second; it was supposed to be a random twincestous shower sex scene. Obviously, that changed, but I liked the showering thing.

Oh, fun fact: Hikaru is actually my favorite twin. His emotional-ness amuses me.

~SS