Title: Misadventures in Red Bank
Author: AriellaGiselle
Rating: strong R for language
Distribution: my site, Chaotic Seduction, Fanfiction.net; anyone else, just ask and ye shall receive.
Author's notes: This is craziness, sheer craziness. This is not meant as anything to be seriously thought about or analyzed. Have fun. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I'm just having a spot of fun. I'll dust them off and give them back when I'm done playing. :)
*****
Darien strode down the drab halls of the Agency on a mission. A mission of the utmost importance: find one Bobby Hobbes and rescue from Filing Hell, if necessary. Besides, Darien had a fun little sumthin', sumthin' in mind for him and his buddy.
"Hobbes! Hobbesy! Yo, man, you in here?" he called out, his California-bred accent bouncing off the stacks and stacks of boxes on plain metal shelving. His lanky form twisted easily around the taller towers of files, his chocolate eyes scanning the cramped room for his partner.
Finally, Darien heard the familiar voice of Bobby Hobbes cursing at some random, and most likely innocent, file. "Goddamn it, piece of God forsaken--"
"Really, Hobbes, do you think that it really deserves all that?" asked Darien around a large, toothy grin.
Bobby's eyes flew up to meet Darien's, and his tense features immediately relaxed. "Geez, give a guy a heart attack, why don't you? What are you doing down here anyway? You weren't banished to the Dungeon." He took a moment to scrutinize his partner, continuing, "Or were you?"
"Nah, just came to rescue you, man, but if you'd rather stay here, I can go bug Keepy or Alex for a while." A small smile crept across his handsome features as he bounced on the balls of his feet, swaying between heading deeper into the Archives and making tracks for the door and the Lab.
"I don't care," said Bobby, trying to sound nonchalant, even though he really wanted the company. "Did you need something, Fawkes?"
"Yeah, got a question."
"Shoot."
Darien took a breath and contemplated whether he really wanted to ask his question or not. If he did, and Bobby said yes, it could mean good times, but the risk of going it alone was always there. If he didn't ask, then there was no risk of going it alone; it was a given. "Okay, well, here's the thing: I got this, like, second-cousin over in New Jersey, and he called me up the other day, askin' if I wanted to come hang out for a few days. Just out of the blue, he just calls me up. So I said I'd think about it."
"Yeah, and your question is?" Hobbes' intellegent eyes were narrowing and widening in succession, sizing up and figuring out what his partner was trying to ask of him.
"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with. I thought maybe we could take a couple of days and trip up to the City and see your sister or something, if you wanted to." Darien leaned back against a shelf, but feeling it wobble, he thought better of it and stood straight again. "So, what do you think?"
"Sure, why not? We both got some vacation time. Frickin' Fat Man owes us some, don't he?" Bobby's smile was genuine. Cool, he thought, trip with my buddy. "Plane or car, Fawkes?"
"Oh, plane," Darien said quickly. The thought of five days in a car made his legs hurt and his knees scream. Besides, there was the issue of counteragent with that plan.
"Cool. When do we leave?" Bobby stood and began shoving files back in their respective boxes, in turn sticking those on their respective shelves. He wiped his hands on his jeans and turned back to face his partner.
"Thursday."
"Tomorrow Thursday?"
"Yeah."
"Cool."
*****
The plane trip was pleasant. Well, as pleasant as a six hour flight can be for someone who's six feet tall. Darien's lanky frame folded into the seats, but not as well as Bobby's shorter, stockier frame.
No one met them as they disembarked from the plane, but Darien hadn't expected anyone to. Bobby thought that Darien's cousin must've forgotten or something, so he asked about anyone meeting them.
"Nah, Bob said that we should just get us a car and meet him at the store." Darien handed the rental clerk his card and waited to sign the receipt.
Bobby nodded slightly, then a thought struck him. "Bob?"
"Yeah, my cousin. His name's Robert, but like you, he prefers Bob. Silent Bob, most of the time."
"Silent Bob?"
"Yeah, he doesn't say much. But his friend says enough for the both of them, believe me."
"His friend?"
"Yeah, Jay. They've been friends for as long as I can remember. I think they actually met while hanging out in front of the store."
"Store?"
"The Quick Stop of Leonardo. The only Quick Stop in Leonardo, I think. Attached to a video store. A crappy video store, too."
"You got some weird-ass family, Fawkes."
"I wonder if Dante and Randall still work there."
"More family?"
"Nah, just friends. Long story behind those two, let me tell you."
"You got some weird-ass friends, Fawkes."
"Hey, I didn't pick 'em. They're just kinda there."
"You got a weird-ass life, Fawkes."
"Tell me about it."
*****
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfuck, fuck, motherfuck. Jungle love, fuck, motherfuck," Jay crooned out to the passing females, while alternating between smoking his cigarette and dancing and popping Silent Bob on the arm. "Fuck the police, fuck the police. Fuck, fuck, fuck the police."
"Hey, Jay, watch the language, bro," Darien said, mirth evident in voice and face.
"What the fuck? Where the fuck you been, D? This tubby bitch said youse was comin' in, but I didn't fuckin' believe it. California been good? Ripe with the fine ass bitches?" Jay spouted off more curses than a Quentin Tarantino movie, and Bobby was kind of impressed. "Who's yo' homie, D?" Not waiting for an introduction, Jay launched into another round of "Jungle Love/Fuck the Police."
"Jay, Bob, this is Bobby Hobbes. Bobby, Jay and his so-called 'hetero life-mate,' and my cousin, Silent Bob." Jay held his fist out for Bobby to hit, which, after a fast internal debate, Hobbes obliged, and then shook Silent Bob's hand.
"So, what've you guys been up to, Jay?" Darien asked.
"Shit, me and Silent Bob just got back from Hollywood. They made a fuckin' movie 'bout us! You hear about that shit?" asked Jay, taking a drag off his cigarette.
"Yeah, 'Bluntman and Chronic.' Got shitty reviews, didn't it?" Darien said, smirking.
"Fuck that shit! Bad-ass fuckin' movie! Then a fuckin' party with Morris Day and the motherfuckin' Time!" Jay nodded almost sagely. "Shit written and handed down by God herself."
Bobby gaped at Jay for a moment then asked, "Herself?"
"Yeah, fine-ass honey, too. She kissed me and e'erything." A tiny little half-smile appeared on Jay's face as he puffed on the cigarette and crushed it out on the wall of the video store.
"So, you've finally met God, huh? Bob didn't tell me about that." Darien felt like the whole story was a load of crap and said as much to Jay.
"God came out of St. Michael's, screamed this angel fuck's head off, then healed Bethany and knocked her up! God's about the coolest bitch you could meet, man. Word." Jay held out his fist to Silent Bob in their ghetto-child version of the secret handshake.
Darien rubbed his forehead with his fingertips, unsuccessfully stifling a chuckle. "Sure, Jay. Say, what's Dante and Randall up to?" he asked.
"What am I supposed to know about those fucks? They ain't buyers, and they ain't friendly to the Union, so what the fuck, man?" Jay replied, sounding not a little insensed by the question.
"Just curious. You been causing trouble for them again, dude?"
"Jerk-offs pulled a restraining order on our asses. Me and Silent Bob couldn't fucking come near the fuckin' store for a fuckin' month. We had to fuckin' swear not to smoke or deal in front of the store before they let us back up here. Our fuckin' home, and we got fuckin' kicked off. Ain't that a bitch?"
"Sure. What made 'em take back the order? Besides the empty promises, I mean."
"I don't fuckin' know. All of a sudden, Veronica calls up and says we can come back. She's all big shot fuckin' lawyer, and got 'em off our fuckin' backs, we says. Holden thinks that it's 'cause of all the fuckin' money we made off the movie, but we don't give a shit about that morose motherfucker."
"Holden's still here? What about Banky? He still around with Hooper? What about Alyssa?"
"Fuckin' Hooper and Banky's off in Hollywood, trippin' the light fag-tastic. Alyssa's gone back to the all girl group grope, saw it usselves the other day. Holden's holed up in a warehouse on the other side of town. Told us about the Internet and shit. Any more fuckin' questions, D?"
Darien chuckled, "Nah, just wonderin' what the old gang's up to."
"Same ol' shit, fuck. Ain't none of thems been around in a while. Not that we fuckin' care, right, Silent Bob?"
"Well," Silent Bob began, "Alyssa was good intellectual stimulation. Banky was good for a laugh, as was Hooper, with 'Black Rage' and 'Coon.' Holden's a bastard, but then again, we all knew that."
"Shut up, you tubby bitch." Jay sneered at Silent Bob for a moment before turning back to Hobbes. "What do you two fuckers do out in SoCal? You still thievin'?"
"Nah, gone the straight and narrow," Darien replied.
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, he's actually my partner now."
"Partner? What the fuck? You gone that way, D? Say it ain't so, bro!" Jay shouted.
"No, Jay, nothing like that. We work together. We're federal agents, dude." Darien retrieved his badge from his back pocket and handed it to Silent Bob while Jay looked over his shoulder. Bob handed it back and half-smiled appreciatively, smoking his cigarette.
"Federal agents? You ain't gonna pop us, is you? 'Cause Lunch Box here'll have to represent," Jay said, hitching a thumb at Bob who scowled at him and rolled his eyes.
"Nah, we're just here to say hey, and then jog up to the City to see Bobby's sister." Darien answered. Bob grabbed ahold of Darien's elbow, leading him off, obviously having something to say. Darien smiled at Hobbes, assuring him he'd be back in a second.
"What's up, Bob?"
"I just wanted to tell you to drop back in after you and Bobby visit his sister. Justice is supposed to get out of jail this weekend, and Bethany and Janey are coming will be back about the same time. I think you'd like them. All of 'em are cool."
"Who are they?" Darien asked, a frown creasing his forehead.
"Bethany is Janey's mother. They're the reason we met God in the first place. Justice was a jewel thief. She's Jay's girlfriend."
"And Bobby says I have weird-ass friends," Darien muttered. Silent Bob laughed and put a friendly hand on the taller man's shoulder. "We'll be sure to drop back in, Bob. I'd really like to meet these people. Weird or not."
*****
After four days of hanging out in front of the Quick Stop, Jay's incessant prattle and rapping, meeting new friends, and getting reacquianted with old ones, Darien and Bobby made their way back to San Diego.
While loading their bags back into the van, Bobby had to say something. "So, I've said it before, and I'm saying it again: You have some weird-ass friends and family, Fawkes."
"Maybe, but you had a good time, didn't you?" replied Darien with a knowing smirk.
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, fun. Must do it again sometime. Make sure Jay hasn't got himself arrested."
Darien laughed and hopped in the passenger side of Golda, and they sped down the road toward their waiting jobs, fraught with bad guys, hot ladies, and Fat Men and their lackeys.
*****
FIN~
Author: AriellaGiselle
Rating: strong R for language
Distribution: my site, Chaotic Seduction, Fanfiction.net; anyone else, just ask and ye shall receive.
Author's notes: This is craziness, sheer craziness. This is not meant as anything to be seriously thought about or analyzed. Have fun. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I'm just having a spot of fun. I'll dust them off and give them back when I'm done playing. :)
*****
Darien strode down the drab halls of the Agency on a mission. A mission of the utmost importance: find one Bobby Hobbes and rescue from Filing Hell, if necessary. Besides, Darien had a fun little sumthin', sumthin' in mind for him and his buddy.
"Hobbes! Hobbesy! Yo, man, you in here?" he called out, his California-bred accent bouncing off the stacks and stacks of boxes on plain metal shelving. His lanky form twisted easily around the taller towers of files, his chocolate eyes scanning the cramped room for his partner.
Finally, Darien heard the familiar voice of Bobby Hobbes cursing at some random, and most likely innocent, file. "Goddamn it, piece of God forsaken--"
"Really, Hobbes, do you think that it really deserves all that?" asked Darien around a large, toothy grin.
Bobby's eyes flew up to meet Darien's, and his tense features immediately relaxed. "Geez, give a guy a heart attack, why don't you? What are you doing down here anyway? You weren't banished to the Dungeon." He took a moment to scrutinize his partner, continuing, "Or were you?"
"Nah, just came to rescue you, man, but if you'd rather stay here, I can go bug Keepy or Alex for a while." A small smile crept across his handsome features as he bounced on the balls of his feet, swaying between heading deeper into the Archives and making tracks for the door and the Lab.
"I don't care," said Bobby, trying to sound nonchalant, even though he really wanted the company. "Did you need something, Fawkes?"
"Yeah, got a question."
"Shoot."
Darien took a breath and contemplated whether he really wanted to ask his question or not. If he did, and Bobby said yes, it could mean good times, but the risk of going it alone was always there. If he didn't ask, then there was no risk of going it alone; it was a given. "Okay, well, here's the thing: I got this, like, second-cousin over in New Jersey, and he called me up the other day, askin' if I wanted to come hang out for a few days. Just out of the blue, he just calls me up. So I said I'd think about it."
"Yeah, and your question is?" Hobbes' intellegent eyes were narrowing and widening in succession, sizing up and figuring out what his partner was trying to ask of him.
"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with. I thought maybe we could take a couple of days and trip up to the City and see your sister or something, if you wanted to." Darien leaned back against a shelf, but feeling it wobble, he thought better of it and stood straight again. "So, what do you think?"
"Sure, why not? We both got some vacation time. Frickin' Fat Man owes us some, don't he?" Bobby's smile was genuine. Cool, he thought, trip with my buddy. "Plane or car, Fawkes?"
"Oh, plane," Darien said quickly. The thought of five days in a car made his legs hurt and his knees scream. Besides, there was the issue of counteragent with that plan.
"Cool. When do we leave?" Bobby stood and began shoving files back in their respective boxes, in turn sticking those on their respective shelves. He wiped his hands on his jeans and turned back to face his partner.
"Thursday."
"Tomorrow Thursday?"
"Yeah."
"Cool."
*****
The plane trip was pleasant. Well, as pleasant as a six hour flight can be for someone who's six feet tall. Darien's lanky frame folded into the seats, but not as well as Bobby's shorter, stockier frame.
No one met them as they disembarked from the plane, but Darien hadn't expected anyone to. Bobby thought that Darien's cousin must've forgotten or something, so he asked about anyone meeting them.
"Nah, Bob said that we should just get us a car and meet him at the store." Darien handed the rental clerk his card and waited to sign the receipt.
Bobby nodded slightly, then a thought struck him. "Bob?"
"Yeah, my cousin. His name's Robert, but like you, he prefers Bob. Silent Bob, most of the time."
"Silent Bob?"
"Yeah, he doesn't say much. But his friend says enough for the both of them, believe me."
"His friend?"
"Yeah, Jay. They've been friends for as long as I can remember. I think they actually met while hanging out in front of the store."
"Store?"
"The Quick Stop of Leonardo. The only Quick Stop in Leonardo, I think. Attached to a video store. A crappy video store, too."
"You got some weird-ass family, Fawkes."
"I wonder if Dante and Randall still work there."
"More family?"
"Nah, just friends. Long story behind those two, let me tell you."
"You got some weird-ass friends, Fawkes."
"Hey, I didn't pick 'em. They're just kinda there."
"You got a weird-ass life, Fawkes."
"Tell me about it."
*****
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfuck, fuck, motherfuck. Jungle love, fuck, motherfuck," Jay crooned out to the passing females, while alternating between smoking his cigarette and dancing and popping Silent Bob on the arm. "Fuck the police, fuck the police. Fuck, fuck, fuck the police."
"Hey, Jay, watch the language, bro," Darien said, mirth evident in voice and face.
"What the fuck? Where the fuck you been, D? This tubby bitch said youse was comin' in, but I didn't fuckin' believe it. California been good? Ripe with the fine ass bitches?" Jay spouted off more curses than a Quentin Tarantino movie, and Bobby was kind of impressed. "Who's yo' homie, D?" Not waiting for an introduction, Jay launched into another round of "Jungle Love/Fuck the Police."
"Jay, Bob, this is Bobby Hobbes. Bobby, Jay and his so-called 'hetero life-mate,' and my cousin, Silent Bob." Jay held his fist out for Bobby to hit, which, after a fast internal debate, Hobbes obliged, and then shook Silent Bob's hand.
"So, what've you guys been up to, Jay?" Darien asked.
"Shit, me and Silent Bob just got back from Hollywood. They made a fuckin' movie 'bout us! You hear about that shit?" asked Jay, taking a drag off his cigarette.
"Yeah, 'Bluntman and Chronic.' Got shitty reviews, didn't it?" Darien said, smirking.
"Fuck that shit! Bad-ass fuckin' movie! Then a fuckin' party with Morris Day and the motherfuckin' Time!" Jay nodded almost sagely. "Shit written and handed down by God herself."
Bobby gaped at Jay for a moment then asked, "Herself?"
"Yeah, fine-ass honey, too. She kissed me and e'erything." A tiny little half-smile appeared on Jay's face as he puffed on the cigarette and crushed it out on the wall of the video store.
"So, you've finally met God, huh? Bob didn't tell me about that." Darien felt like the whole story was a load of crap and said as much to Jay.
"God came out of St. Michael's, screamed this angel fuck's head off, then healed Bethany and knocked her up! God's about the coolest bitch you could meet, man. Word." Jay held out his fist to Silent Bob in their ghetto-child version of the secret handshake.
Darien rubbed his forehead with his fingertips, unsuccessfully stifling a chuckle. "Sure, Jay. Say, what's Dante and Randall up to?" he asked.
"What am I supposed to know about those fucks? They ain't buyers, and they ain't friendly to the Union, so what the fuck, man?" Jay replied, sounding not a little insensed by the question.
"Just curious. You been causing trouble for them again, dude?"
"Jerk-offs pulled a restraining order on our asses. Me and Silent Bob couldn't fucking come near the fuckin' store for a fuckin' month. We had to fuckin' swear not to smoke or deal in front of the store before they let us back up here. Our fuckin' home, and we got fuckin' kicked off. Ain't that a bitch?"
"Sure. What made 'em take back the order? Besides the empty promises, I mean."
"I don't fuckin' know. All of a sudden, Veronica calls up and says we can come back. She's all big shot fuckin' lawyer, and got 'em off our fuckin' backs, we says. Holden thinks that it's 'cause of all the fuckin' money we made off the movie, but we don't give a shit about that morose motherfucker."
"Holden's still here? What about Banky? He still around with Hooper? What about Alyssa?"
"Fuckin' Hooper and Banky's off in Hollywood, trippin' the light fag-tastic. Alyssa's gone back to the all girl group grope, saw it usselves the other day. Holden's holed up in a warehouse on the other side of town. Told us about the Internet and shit. Any more fuckin' questions, D?"
Darien chuckled, "Nah, just wonderin' what the old gang's up to."
"Same ol' shit, fuck. Ain't none of thems been around in a while. Not that we fuckin' care, right, Silent Bob?"
"Well," Silent Bob began, "Alyssa was good intellectual stimulation. Banky was good for a laugh, as was Hooper, with 'Black Rage' and 'Coon.' Holden's a bastard, but then again, we all knew that."
"Shut up, you tubby bitch." Jay sneered at Silent Bob for a moment before turning back to Hobbes. "What do you two fuckers do out in SoCal? You still thievin'?"
"Nah, gone the straight and narrow," Darien replied.
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, he's actually my partner now."
"Partner? What the fuck? You gone that way, D? Say it ain't so, bro!" Jay shouted.
"No, Jay, nothing like that. We work together. We're federal agents, dude." Darien retrieved his badge from his back pocket and handed it to Silent Bob while Jay looked over his shoulder. Bob handed it back and half-smiled appreciatively, smoking his cigarette.
"Federal agents? You ain't gonna pop us, is you? 'Cause Lunch Box here'll have to represent," Jay said, hitching a thumb at Bob who scowled at him and rolled his eyes.
"Nah, we're just here to say hey, and then jog up to the City to see Bobby's sister." Darien answered. Bob grabbed ahold of Darien's elbow, leading him off, obviously having something to say. Darien smiled at Hobbes, assuring him he'd be back in a second.
"What's up, Bob?"
"I just wanted to tell you to drop back in after you and Bobby visit his sister. Justice is supposed to get out of jail this weekend, and Bethany and Janey are coming will be back about the same time. I think you'd like them. All of 'em are cool."
"Who are they?" Darien asked, a frown creasing his forehead.
"Bethany is Janey's mother. They're the reason we met God in the first place. Justice was a jewel thief. She's Jay's girlfriend."
"And Bobby says I have weird-ass friends," Darien muttered. Silent Bob laughed and put a friendly hand on the taller man's shoulder. "We'll be sure to drop back in, Bob. I'd really like to meet these people. Weird or not."
*****
After four days of hanging out in front of the Quick Stop, Jay's incessant prattle and rapping, meeting new friends, and getting reacquianted with old ones, Darien and Bobby made their way back to San Diego.
While loading their bags back into the van, Bobby had to say something. "So, I've said it before, and I'm saying it again: You have some weird-ass friends and family, Fawkes."
"Maybe, but you had a good time, didn't you?" replied Darien with a knowing smirk.
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, fun. Must do it again sometime. Make sure Jay hasn't got himself arrested."
Darien laughed and hopped in the passenger side of Golda, and they sped down the road toward their waiting jobs, fraught with bad guys, hot ladies, and Fat Men and their lackeys.
*****
FIN~