Chapter 1:

Mickey's POV

For the past two days I'd been stuck unable to move from my place on the bed I now shared with my 'wife', the bed that still smelt like him, coconut shampoo and lavender soap with a hint of smoke. Every time I closed my eyes, whether it was to sleep or even to blink there he was, there we were with our lips crushed against one and others, we were happy. The illusion always fades though, it's not real and it hasn't been for a while. Terry only came home when he wanted to see Lana, he'd grown to like her, although he liked anyone with a vagina between their legs. He was satisfied in knowing she was constantly around, he thought it would keep me 'straight' or so he told me.

Their lives went on around me without interruption as i wallowed, the anger I felt towards myself should have dissipated over the days but it only got stronger and harder to handle. My days were filled with self- loathing, drinking and getting high as a fucking kite but nothing made the feelings go away, they were going to be there for a long time.

"What the actual fuck Mickey?" I could vaguely remember Mandy bitching to me about something, even if I wasn't too stoned to remember I wouldn't have cared anyway. I don't care about anything anymore, I cared about him and look where that got us? The fucking idiot had actually gotten on the bus, or so Mandy told me, I'd been too messed up to even think about getting my ass up off the bed. He'd signed up using Lip's name and was now off in some war zone getting shot at. I swear to fucking god if he gets shot I'll kill him! Not that I had any right to care about any of it anymore, the one thing that –and this is going to sound gay- I had to be happy about in this fucking life was him and I thought he understood that but apparently he didn't.

Lip told me that he'd drunkenly blurted out that he loved me, which I knew was true because the kid is such a pansy and can't keep a secret to save his life. He also told me that if I had just told him how I felt he wouldn't have gone. "Don't fucking put this shit on me Gallagher, he's your brother you should have fucking stopped him!" I'd screamed at the fuck-face until I was blue in the face all the while he stood there and smirked, he fucking had the balls to smirk at me! Mickey Milkovich! He fell on his ass the second my fist collided with his face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" I could feel tears start to fall but I wasn't going to let a Gallagher, one that wasn't even my favourite Gallagher, see me cry so I turned away from him. I could hear Lip shuffle and stand "You do realise you're a fuck up right?" I would have punched him again if it weren't for the fact that Ian would kill me if I beat on his brother. There I go again talking like he's going to walk through that shitty front door any minute and just ask for round two.

"I know…but what the hell do you want me to do about it?" Lip stepped right up into my personal space trying to make me listen when all I could think was that he looked nothing like Ian and it was a sweeter realisation then I thought it would be. The last thing I needed was someone that looked like him. Thank god I hadn't seen Debbie in over a week.

"I want you to man up, stop being a little bitch and go get my little brother back you dick because I can't live without my best friend and you can't live without him either" All I could do was stare at him. There it was, there was the similarity between Lip and Ian they were both as stubborn as all hell and way too optimistic for my liking.

"Hey, I'm not some faggot…" I began but didn't finish, truth was I was a faggot and I might have even let Ian hold my hand once or twice. But what we were was complicated to say the least. I loved him and he loved me but I hadn't been brave enough to go after him so where did that leave us?

"Mickey for once in your life shut the fuck up" Lip was getting tired of my bullshit and to tell the truth so was I. I would have gone after Ian two days ago when he left but the moment I got to the door Terry was there spouting some crap about Svetlana's ultrasound and how I should have been there and all that crap. I was cornered, unable to get away from him which is how it always went, me unable to get away from Terry the fag beater Milkovich.

Lip could tell I was getting upset so he lowered his voice in an attempt to calm the situation. "Listen Mickey when I was getting information about West Point for Ian I learnt a lot about it. They don't just go off to whatever Stan they're posted at, they train in the state's first" I could tell the look I gave him was unintelligible so he just sighed and continued "Listen man what I'm trying to tell you is that if we go now we can get to New York before he ships out. I was going to go earlier but for some stupid reason I thought I would offer to take you"