AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I never know how to open up a new fanfiction

I doubt I will be finishing this one, I still have 2 others in the making process and I'm not even halfway done my smut fic. I just got to the sexy parts and all of a sudden BOOM, I have no creative ability, even though I am a huge perv.

My therapist is asking me about my fanfics, she said she wants to read them. I laughed and said 'nooooo way'.

I think I am going to make my fanfiction profile purely EricxAlan fanfictions since that is all I am writing except that one SebaCiel but that's barely SebaCiel and more 'Ciel doing his best to piss Sebastian off and other' also, I have like 9 other AlanxEric fics I want to write.

You read the summary so I shouldn't have to explain the story. Just sit back and read, send me a review if you would like me to continue writing this one, it would be much appreciated. Or even a suggestion for the story would be even more fantastic.

Oh, warnings per chapter. Disclaimer only on the first chapter so I don't have t rewrite it.

***WARNINGS: Suicide Attempt, Language, Blood, Really Sad.

***DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of it's characters. Everything belongs to Yana Toboso.

Chapter 1

Eric walked down the streets of the downtown area taking long spaces in between his steps as he walked, he was walking fast paced, smiling to himself and holding a little black box, being careful not to hold it too tight to where it would break and also being careful not to hold it too loose to where it would fall out of his hands and get dirty.

It had to be perfect.

He would put the small box in his pocket but he knew the area was swarming with pick-pockets grabbing anything and everything they could get their hands on, especially if it was worth a lot which the object within the box was. It was very valuable, very expensive, very special, and very delicate.

No, it was more than just that. This was Eric's soon-to-be future with Alan; nothing could quite explain what it was and what it meant to Eric. It meant a lot, that's for sure.

This object with what was inside the small box, was an elegant 10 carot diamond engagement ring that Eric had been busting his ass getting Alan for much longer than just a few months. He wanted to get Alan a 20 carot but he didn't want to wait any longer to pop the question, also he wanted the ring to be delicate just like Alan but big enough to show how much he loved Alan and how much he was dying to be with him for the rest of their eternal lives.

However, even a ring couldn't explain how much Eric loved the younger reaper nor did it explain all the things he would do just for Alan alone.

Ronald was one of the first to know, he didn't like the idea of Eric getting married. That, to Ronald, meant no more parties with Eric, no more drinking wars, no more late nights, and no more fun. He had told Eric he was throwing his life away, that his life was over as soon as Eric put that ring on Alan's finger but Eric gave him the same comment; "'Ey, this is the beginnin' of a new life fer me and Al. Shut up and go drink ya booze."

Eric was worried though, with the thought of rejection. What if Alan didn't want to get married, or just wasn't ready to? What if they break up in result of the proposal? Either way, nothing will be the same after the proposal. They will either end up together for eternity or break apart and float away until they lose each other. Eric was afraid of both.

He saw the house that he and Alan afford to pay; it was the same place where he and Alan had their first sexual encounter, a moment neither of them could forget. The awkwardness and the occasional laughs they made in bed mixed with moans and really embarrassing sounds coming from both of the males. That's when you know your relationship is a good one; when you can laugh with the person you are making love with.

Eric sped his walking up and got to the front door of the house. He suddenly realized just how nervous he really was and how excited. He stood there for what seemed like hours before getting his keys out and opening the door.

There was no hope. There was no reason for him to continue suffering in mental and physical pain. His anatomy had gotten bad, his veins were black, and his blood was clotting in his lungs to a point where he couldn't breathe. The many blood clots were causing him to wheeze loudly, his bare legs were a very pale blue color, he felt dizzy, he thought he was going to faint and not wake up. His arms, thighs and head were sweating and his anxiety was going through the roof.

It was too much, and Eric was not there this time to help the little brunette in his needs of surviving. Yes, he knew this was it; he was going to die a slow painful death. Alan was afraid of death, he could not look death in the face and tell it to pull the plug but he didn't want to keep living like this in this pathetic form, he was almost human. Almost. But he knew no human on this world could ever feel the pain he felt everyday of his life.

He disliked humans, they were so self centered, busy with their own doings, had no time for anyone but themselves not even their own kids. As a reaper, Alan was supposed to get used to it, as William T. Spears, his supervisor told him, but seeing mothers and fathers beat and abuse their kid, leave them in cages with no food or water like animals, it broke Alan's heart to see but also made him angry.

He wants to have children, he wants to be able to be a father and know what it's like to hold a baby in his arms. He wants to help his child with their homework, go to school events, and meet their friends and teachers. He wanted to see the child grow up and graduate from high school then college. Most of all, he wanted to know the love and adventure of caring for a child.

He hasn't told Eric or anybody else he wants a kid because he knows it wouldn't happen, it just was not biologically possible. Sure, they could adopt a kid but Alan didn't really want to adopt, he wanted to have his own child with Eric but even if it was possible, the child would die due to Alan's health and Alan knew this. It only upset him even more.

Seeing humans abuse and neglect their kids, seeing them call their children awful names made Alan furious but he never showed it, he was taught to never show emotions while doing work nor did he talk about it. Even though Eric knew Alan was affected emotionally by work, he said nothing, not wanting to make Alan more upset by saying the wrong thing.

Why would a being capable of bringing life into the world even think of bringing them to the world if they are going to live in pain their whole lives? To be abused by the people who brought them into this awful world, sometimes failing and falling trapped to their deaths caused by their parents. Whether it would be beaten to death, starved, dehydration, murdered, they die.

It's a sad day when you have to order a coffin for a small child, sometimes a coffin for a 2 year old infant or younger even. When you see that child mangled and beaten just laying in that coffin with no movement, unresponsive, it does something to you. It makes you open your eyes and realize things around you that you would not normally have realized.

Alan kept staring at his legs, he couldn't believe how blue they have gotten, his heart pained him, and it was an un-explainable pain. A pain he was used to, it almost didn't bother him at the moment but it still hurt like hell. No, worse than hell. It was like kidney stones but 9 times worse.

He sat there on the kitchen floor not moving a muscle except his hand holding the switchblade so he could rip his full arm up but he never used it. He was wearing no pants, his body got too overheated and he had to take them off along with his shirt so all he was wearing was a pair of boxers and it was too hot even for those. Tears of pain fell down his face; there was no pain that could describe what he was feeling inside and out.

As he continued to look at his legs, he saw the veins going up and down his legs, they were pitch black and rising from his skin, the pinchers of the thorns were coming out along with them. Yes, this was it. This was going to be when his life ends even though he was already dead in many ways.

"I don't want to feel it." He thought to himself. "I don't want to feel the pain of death."

He shook even more, his head was agonizingly pounding, a sign that some blood clots have fromed in his brain as well. He was scared, frightened , terrified. He then realized he was having an attack. Not a heart attack, a panic attack.

"I can't…"

Alan slowly stood on his knees; he put his hands on the counter and slowly brought himself to his feet. He then slowly made his way across the kitchen which took him a full 5 minutes since his feet wouldn't move. He bent down to open the bottom coverts under the sink but ended up falling on his ass and keeping his head rested against the covert door. After a few moments have passed, he opened the coverts and got his container of medication pills out of the medication bin Eric had under the sink for him in case something happened and he wasn't there.

He looked at the labeling but found his eyesight failing him as well, he was seeing double and was unable to read the label. He stared at the mysterious container of pills for what seemed like the longest time before opening them and sliding to the refrigerator on his bum to get a water bottle from the bottom drawer.

"Please come home Eric. Please come home Eric. Please come home Eric..."

Even though that sentence kept repeating itself in his head, it wasn't enough. Alan tilted his head back and dumped the whole half container into his mouth, taking a huge gulp of water, he swallowed the entire pill bottle whole. He sat there, breathing hard and trying to recover from this mix of attacks he was having at once. The panic, the anxiety, the pain, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the anger that has been built inside of him. It was all coming out and now there was no stopping it.

The pain in his chest got even more intense, his body shook even more and before Alan had any time to think, his eye lids shut, he fell backwards slowly losing consciousness. There was a bang and another intense pain hit the back of Alan's head before his body fell to the floor motionless.

Eric heard the bang right when he stepped through the door; it was loud and echoed throughout the house.

"Alan?" he asked, concerned that Alan fell down the stairs again; the only problem with that theory was that it was one single bang and not multiple thumps. Not only that, but there was a horrible feeling in Eric's stomach.

He called Alan's name again and heard another noise, a thump. Not a loud one but enough that Eric could hear it. It sounded like a small object such as a toy car falling from a child's grip and hitting a hard floor.

Eric looked around in the corner and his heart immediately skipped a beat.

There his lover was on the floor, skin blue, face flushed dripping with sweat, body swollen especially around his neck area, he saw the black veins and thorns poking through Alan's bare legs, blood coming out of the back of his head. Eric's eyes then went to the corner of the island counter, which was dripping with Alan's blood.

Eric put the box in his pocket and quickly went to Alan's side and fell on his knees, he lifted Alan's head up. "Alan!" he yelled. "Alan!" he shook the younger male in his arms. "Alan! Wake up!" he grit his teeth to prevent himself from crying and kissed Alan's chest right above his heart and then a firm kiss on his lips "Please!"

Alan's eyes never opened, he wasn't breathing, and his chest was still. Eric ran his hand over Alan's legs which were ice cold.

That's when Eric held Alan closely

And he cried.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

How was it? Did it suck? Was it great? Too sad? Should I continue or stop writing this one?

I finished this when I was suicidal as fuck so that's why it was more depressing than I intended.

The story will start to pick up in the next chapter.

***Leave a review PLEASE.