-----Thanks to Mitsuki for her help with the Finnish!-----
MATTI AND MIELIKKI: THE FINNISH CATS
"Good night! I am Matti. That is Mielikki. How are you?" The words fell haltingly from the strange cat's mouth. Alonzo raised an eyebrow as he tried to understand the accent.
"Um…I'm fine, thanks…how are you?" He said uncertainly, casting a sidewards glance at Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer. Matti gazed at him, blinking slowly, then turned to his slightly smaller sister.
"Did you understand that?" He asked in their native language, Finnish. Mielikki frowned.
"I think he asked how you were. Isn't that what they do, return the concern or something?" Matti's eyes lit up.
"Of course! How do I reply…I can't remember." Mielikki sighed as she tried to think.
"Hyvää…I am very sick." She said definetely. "I'm sure that's right." Alonzo, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer picked up on the English words and looked at each other in confusion. Then Matti turned back to Alonzo.
"I am very sick, thank you!" He said with a smile. Alonzo frowned. Was the cat trying to make fun of him?
"You don't look sick." He remarked. "Are you mocking me?" Rumpelteazer nudged him.
"Maybe he's mentally disturbed!" She suggested. Mungojerrie thought this was a very good idea. He walked over to the two black-and-white cats and spoke, very slowly and loudly.
"AAAARE YOOOUUU LOOOSSST?" He asked. Matti and Mielikki stared at him, then at each other.
"I didn't understand that one." Matti shrugged.
"Me neither."
"I wonder why he talks so slow?"
"Maybe he's mentally disturbed. We better ignore him."
"That's not very nice! But I agree, he doesn't look very intelligent."
"Well, we can't speak English well enough to talk to a mentally disturbed cat."
"Maybe we should try to tell them that!" Matti suggested. "Your turn."
Mielikki decided to try and talk to Rumpelteazer.
"I can't speak English! Can you speak Finnish?" She asked hopefully. Rumpelteazer was taken aback.
"You're speaking English now," She pointed out.
"She didn't get it. Tell her again." Matti told her.
"I can't speak English! Can you speak Finnish?" Mielikki repeated obediently.
"Well…no, I can't!" Rumpelteazer said, doing her best to turn it into a normal conversation. Matti tapped his sister on the shoulder.
"I don't think she gets it. Maybe it's the wrong sentence. I'll try." He looked at Rumpelteazer. "I can speak English, Spanish, Russian, French and Finnish!" He declared. Rumpelteazer's jaw dropped, as did Alonzo's and Mungojerrie's.
"You can? Wow!" Rumpelteazer was amazed. "Well, maybe you can teach your friend some English then!" She suggested.
"Oh dear. This isn't working." Matti groaned. "I don't know what I'm saying!"
Mielikki agreed sadly. "Yeah. For all you know, you might be saying, I want to reproduce with you!"
Alonzo scowled.
"That's it. They're making fun of us." He said, and flounced away, muttering about Cats talking gibberish. He passed Etcetera, who listened curiously. She had been chasing a feather all the way from the Junkyard, but now she had lost it and didn't have anything to do.
"Gibberish?" She said curiously to herself, and began to run in the direction where Alonzo had come from. She saw Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer, and two cats she hadn't seen before. Excitement filled her and she began to bounce.
Mungojerrie saw her coming.
"Uh-oh…" He didn't have time to say any more before a screaming kitten was upon them. Etcetera began to bounce in circles around Matti and Mielikki, chanting.
"New cats! New cats! New cats!"
They stared at her, highly confused.
"I don't understand, Matti. I think we've stumbled onto a group of deranged cats."
Her brother shook his head.
"You always jump to conclusions. This is probably just some kind of welcoming ceremony, and we're supposed to join in."
Mielikki looked highly doubtful as the pale tabby kitten leapt around them.
"You try first."
Matti took a deep breath, bent his knees, and sprang into the air.
"NEW CATS!" he shrieked. "NEW CAAAAAATS!" And so they both bounced around Mielikki to the music of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer's screams of laughter. After a few circles, Etcetera noticed she was not rejoicing alone.
"What?" She stopped, and watched as Matti continued in his new-found 'welcoming ceremony'. He bounced, yelled, and bounced. Then he noticed that the 'ceremony' was over and he stood with his paws behind his back, looking sheepish.
Rumpelteazer managed to control herself enough to explain to Etcetera to conversation that they'd made with the new cats so far.
"But I don't think he really can speak all those languages," she finished. "Only Finnish!"
Mungojerrie looked thoughful. "How d'you know it's Finnish they're speaking? Could be Russian."
Teazer looked pityingly at her twin. "Because Mielikki," she stumbled over the pronounciation, "asked if we could speak Finnish."
"Well, I think Mielikki can speak English, then," Mungojerrie decided, "Because she told you that in English!" Rumpelteazer sighed loudly.
"Why don't you just listen to her, Mungo! I don't think she knows what she's even saying!"
Mungojerrie didn't believe her, but decided not to push it. Arguments with his twin could last for hours. "Well, we should take them to the Junkyard in any case. And find Coricopat and Tantomile, because they will be able to use their psychic abilities to understand them better." He said proudly, determined to show his twin that he was not to be pitied.
And so off they went.
"Wingardium leviosa!" Mistoffelees exclaimed, waving his paws at the unsuspecting Bustopher Jones. Nothing happened. Tantomile sighed.
"You're saying it wrong. It's leviOHsa, not levioSA." She instructed condescendingly. Misto scowled.
"Well, you do it then, if you're so clever."
Tantomile smiled a little smugly.
"Alright, then." She raised her paws. "Wingardium leviOHsa!" And sure enough, Bustopher Jones began to rise, slow and stately, from the ground. His yell of surprise was not so stately.
"Holy Everlasting Cat! I never thought I'd see the day when I'D leave the ground!" He continued to rise. Mistoffelees was in hysterics. "I'm a twenty-five pounder, but I didn't mean it literally when I said I was a bounder." He complained as he continued to rise. He was nearly five feet high by this stage, although he didn't seem particularly worried. He was used to Mistoffelees's antics.
"MISTOFFELEES! Just WHAT do you think you are doing?" The cry of outrage came from Jennyanydots. She stalked over angrily. "Bring him down RIGHT NOW, you young scallywag!" Misto stopped laughing indignantly.
"It's not me! You always blame me for anything magical that goes wrong!" Jenny glared.
"That's because it always is you. And if it's not you levitating poor B.J, who is?"
"Ask Tantomile!" Misto pointed at the concentrating queen, whose paws were still rising in time with Bustopher Jones. Jenny looked, and her eyes widened. Then she yelled.
"TANTOMILE!"
Tantomile started and dropped her paws guiltily. Simultaneously, twenty-five pounds of black and white cat crashed to the floor. The whole Junkyard shook.
"B.J! Are you alright!" Jenny cried, rushing over to the startled cat. Bustopher Jones was more preoccupied with dusting down his ruffled coat and white spats than paying attention to the affections of Jenny.
Misto looked at Tantomile, who raised her eyebrows.
"B.J?" Misto asked. Tantomile giggled uncharacteristicly. Jenny directed another glare at the two, and took the arm of her "B.J", using all of her weight to steer him towards a quiter, less dangerous part of the Junkyard, where they could chat in peace.
"Maybe you should try something smaller." Tantomile suggested to Misto. Misto grinned.
"How about Jemima?" He asked.
Suddenly there came a yell from across the Junkyard.
"MISTOFFELEES!" Rumpelteazer screeched as loudly as she could, racing across the Junkyard with Mungojerrie, Etcetera, Matti and Mielikki at her heels. Misto jumped.
"WHAT?" He shouted as Rumpelteazer skidded to a halt. "I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong!" Then he spotted Etcetera and his eyes lit up.
"Hey! You're pretty small!" He remarked obscurely, then pointed his paws at the kitten. "Wingardium levi-" He was cut off by Etetera's screech. She dived behind Mungojerrie.
"Save me!" She howled. "He's going to FLASH at me or something!"
Matti and Mielikki were completely mystified.
"Misto! Don't magic Etcetera!" Tantomile scolded. Misto scowled.
"Who was magicking Bustopher Jones a few seconds ago?" He asked sarcastically. Tantomile ignored him. She had just noticed Matti and Mielikki.
"Hello! Who are you?" She asked politely. For once, Mielikki understood what someone said.
"I am Mielikki. That is Matti." She replied, remembering another phrase that they had worked out. "We need some nice place to hang in trees. May we here?"
Mungojerre beamed triumphantly.
"There you are! She CAN speak English!" He told Rumpelteazer. Tantomile, amazingly, had understood what Mielikki meant.
"You need a nice place to hang out!" She corrected. "I'm sure you'll be welcome here."
Matti looked puzzled.
"What did that cat say?" He asked Mielikki in Finnish. She smiled.
"I think it was a very long and complicated way of saying yes!" She said happily.
A couple of months later, Matti and Mielikki had made friends with the other kittens their age and were somewhat better at speaking English, although there are still many words they didn't know…
Matti and Mielikki played in the Junkyard with some of the other kittens, Etcetera, Jemima and Pouncival. They were playing 'follow-the-leader' and climbing over the junk, trying to keep up with Etcetera's very fast and bouncy lead. As they all balanced precariously on top of a broken jukebox, while Etcetera decided whether to jump to the blue bucket or to the pile of cornflakes boxes, Pouncival heard a distinct tinkle coming down the nearest road to the Junkyard.
"Listen! One of those balls with bells inside!" He exclaimed. The others turned to listen.
"No way," Jemima said dismissively. "We could never hear it from here, if it was." Pouncival pouted. Jemima smiled smugly, but lost her smirk as Etcetera bounced rapidly, completely knocking Jemima off the Jukebox. Matti and Mielikki, both still playing the game, hurled themselves off the Jukebox and narrowly missed landing on her. Pouncival watched them go in surprise. Etcetera was too excited to really notice, because she knew what the tinkling noise was.
"It's one of those vans that human kids run up to!" She shrieked, jumping down after them. "You know, and then they go away looking very happy."
Mielikki was listening to the noise as it faded down the street. She grinned.
"Let's follow-the-leader with it!" She said happily. Pouncival jumped down beside her.
"Good idea! I bet nobody's ever followed the leader with a van before!" He laughed and ran off towards the road, the others close behind him.
"Jäätelö, vai meta?" Matti asked Mielikki. She grinned.
"They do not know it is jäätelö van!" She told him mischeviously, practicing her English by speaking all the words she knew. Unfortunately, she didn't know the English word for jäätelö. Jemima ran beside them.
"What are you talking about?" She asked. "What's jäätelö?" Mielikki struggled to explain.
"Cold." She said. "Um…sweet." Jemima blinked.
"Cold and sweet?" She asked, but her next words were cut of by Etcetera's scream that she could see the van! The three raced to catch up with Etcetera and Pouncival, and they saw the white van, decorated with strange pictures, disappear round the corner. The funniest thing was the huge, odd-looking triangle thing stuck to the roof of the van.
"Humans are soooo weird!" Etcetera remarked as they gained. The van was going very slowly, luckily for the kittens. And, sure enough, soon they saw human children come chasing after the van, which slowed down and stopped. The children were too intent on getting…whatever they got…from the van, to notice the kittens, who ran underneath the van and stopped.
"Aww…it doesn't want to be leader anymore." Pouncival was disappointed. "Do you reckon it would follow me if I ran in front?" Jemima giggled.
"It's much too big and important to follow you, Pounci!" She teased him.
"LOOK!" Matti exclaimed loudly. There was a slow but steady drip of white stuff coming down from the van. "It is escaping!" Mielikki's eyes lit up, and the twins went over to sniff.
"Yum!" Mielikki said, and they began to lick the drip.
The others were utterly disgusted.
"UGH!" Etcetera screeched.
"It's POOING like a BIRD!" Jemima gasped.
"And they're EATING it!" Pouncival finished, grimacing horribly. Mielikki sighed.
"Jäätelö! It's nice!" She told them. The three looked confused.
"Jäätelö? What's that?" Pouncival asked.
"Probably bird poo." Etcetera muttered.
Matti picked up on the last words.
"Poo? No!" He began laughing. "It isn't linnunkakka! Not bird poo! It's jäätelö!" Suddenly the van began moving again, and the kittens leapt from under it so that they wouldn't get run over.
"Follow-the-leader!" Pouncival cried and began chasing the van again. As it moved, it left small globs of ice-cream on the road, and Matti and Mielikki made sure not to leave any to waste!
"Really, jäätelö is very nice." Matti tried to pursuade Jemima, offering her some on his paw. She shrank back in horror. Etcetera, however, was more willing to take the risk. She sniffed cautiously at the white stuff, then took the tiniest lick. And her eyes widened.
"I TOLD YOU!" Jemima shrieked, seeing Etcetera's expression. "It's BIRD POO!" And then she was shocked, for Etetera plunged her nose into the small pile of sugary cream and began licking for all she was worth. Jemima was gobsmacked.
Pouncival had reached the end of the road before he realised he was the only one still playing. In some annoyance, he ran all the way back to where the others were clustered around the first of the ice-cream blobs.
"Guys! The van is getting away!" He told them. They didn't seem to care much, sadly for Pounci. They were too interested in the bird poo.
"Is it nice?" Pounci asked Etcetera curiously. She looked up at him happily.
"It tastes like sugar!" She screamed. Jemima groaned and hid her eyes. She knew only too well the effect sugar had on her hyper friend.
"I never knew bird poo tasted like sugar!" Pounci was interested enough to try some for himself, and liked it so much that he managed to pursuade Jemima to try. After her primary disgust at eating bird poo, she soon discovered that it really was delicious! Amazing! The kittens followed the trail of bird poo - ice-cream - up the road, the silence occasionally split by Jemima's exclamations of: "I can't BELIEVE we're eating bird poo!"
Later that night, the kittens returned to the Junkyard, all very high on the sugar they had consumed. Matti and Mielikki went off to play with Mungo and Teazer, who had promised to show them how to cat-burgle. Ectetera, Jemima and Pouncival chased each other for a while and were joined by Victoria and Tumblebrutus, who had NOT been playing together for any other reason than that they were FRIENDS. After a while, Jemima spotted some bird poo on top of the oven.
"Look! More bird poo!" She exclaimed gleefully, leaping onto the top of the oven, quickly joined by Etcetera and Pouncival. Victoria and Tumblebrutus watched in surprise.
"Bird poo?" Tumble asked in confusion. Pouncival grinned.
"It's delicious!" He announced. Victoria and Tumblebrutus spluttered with amazement as they watched the three kittens scrape bird poo from the oven and place it in their mouths. There was a pause. Victoria and Tumble held their breath. Then the effects began.
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Etcetera howled, spitting out her mouthful all over Jemima and, leaping from the oven, began running madly in circles and rubbing her tongue on anything she could get her paws on, including Victoria's pristine arm and Tumble's rather more grubby tail. Jemima, too disgusted to even notice the spit, hurled herself to the ground and spat out her bird poo, in a slightly more ladylike fashion than Etcetera. She began to squirm along the ground, commando style, with her tongue hanging out…very unladylike, and very un-Jemima-like. Pouncival just sat on top of the oven and spat repeatedly, breaking off occasionally with a cry of, "YUCK!"
Tumble and Victoria were amazed. They had never seen their friends act as crazily as this, and that was saying something.
Of course afterwards, when Matti and Mielikki heard the story, they couldn't speak for almost ten minutes, their mirth was so great, and Tantomile had some long explanations to do to three rather subdued kittens about the differences between ice-cream and bird-poo.