A/N: So, have any of you ever heard of the sketch group DerrickComedy? They were an online troupe in the 2000s, and they had a lot of great skits (most were NSFW, as a heads up). This short fic is a parody of one of their sketches: "Daughters."
Watch the original, this will make a lot more sense if you do. Or not :)
My name is Lynn Loud Sr. monologued Lynn Sr. to himself as he rushed down the hallway towards a door at the end. I've rescued my daughter from terrorists, but they're still planning on detonating a bomb in Royal Woods. I'm almost out of time…
The man opened the door and rushed inside to the young blonde woman standing there, behind her an Asian man, slightly older than Lynn himself.
"Daddy," called out Lori as she went to hug her father.
"Sweetheart," Lynn Sr. embraced his daughter, "The terrorists can't hurt you anymore."
"Lynn," said Kotaro, rushing to his friend's side, "I hate to rush things, but…"
"No, you're right," said Lynn as he let go of Lori and walked towards the door, Kotaro following him closely, "We've got a bomb to find," he said with unwavering bravery, "Look, I think its somewhere around the fusion restaurants. Have your men comb Aloha Comrade…"
Suddenly, Lynn's phone rang. He ripped it out of his pocket quickly and put it to his ear. "Hold on… Hello?"
He listened to the voice on the phone for a brief few moments, before letting out an audible "WHAT? Goddammit, I'll be right there," before angrily ending the call.
"I've gotta go," he told Kotaro without turning.
"But you just got here…" his friend attempted to protest.
"DAMMIT, Kotaro," burst Lynn, "They… they have my daughter."
Kotaro looked confused. "But… you're daughter's in there," he said, pointing to the room they had just exited.
"No. My other daughter."
"O…kay…" said Kotaro hesitantly. "Go rescue her. I'll take care of the bomb."
"Thank you, old friend. I also need you to put a trace on the call…"
The phone rang again. Lynn lifted it to his ear. "Hello?" he shouted, stressed beyond belief.
"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU HARM ONE HAIR ON HER HEAD, I'LL…"
He closed the phone with a roar.
"Was it them again?" asked Kotaro.
"No… it was other terrorists… they have my other other daughter…"
…
"What?"
"Look, my daughter from the first call has a twin sister; a tomboyish girl who sometimes acts like a dog. Now different terrorists have her. I need backup to save my…"
The phone rang once again. "Hello?"
Lynn listened and threw his phone to the floor, breaking it. 'Goddammit…"
"What?"
"The first group of terrorists who called me… they have my daughter. A tomboyish girl who sometimes acts like a dog."
"Wait, so the terrorists from before and the terrorists from now… traded?"
"No, my other tomboy daughter who acts like a dog. She's not a twin. Her name is Lynn Jr."
"You named your daughter after yourself? Why?" asked Kotaro, doing his best to absorb everything that was happening.
"BECAUSE IT'S A UNISEX NAME. Who else was I going to give it too?"
"I don't know… A son?"
"My son was born after Lynn Jr."
Kotaro smacked his forehead. "So you also have a son?"
"THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE RIGHT NOW! The kidnappers said there was only one way to save my daughters."
"What's that?"
"I have to kill two other daughters."
Kotaro just looked completely stunned. "So there are more."
"Yeah. They want me to kill my comedian daughter and singer daughter."
"So specific," Kotaro said in amazement.
"Yeah. They said it's because they didn't find Luan that funny, and Luna stagedived on them at an indie rock concert, so they spilled their drinks."
"Bad reasons to want someone dead…"
"What choose do I have? THEY HAVE MY DAUGHTERS!"
"You've said 'daughter' so much, it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore."
"If I don't kill my daughters, they said they would use my fashion-obsessed daughter as a bargaining chip."
"For what?"
"To get to my Goth daughter. Keep up, or you'll get left behind."
Poor Kotaro's mind was completely overloaded. "You have a Goth daughter?"
"Yeah, I can't let her get dragged into this. She's only eight years old."
"Your eight year old is Goth? You… You're a bad parent."
"Well, I have a lot of kids to look after…" Lynn feebly tried to defend himself.
"WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?" roared Kotaro in a blinding rage. For the first time in his life, he could see nothing but red, something he thought wasn't a real thing. His frustration with Lynn was proving him wrong.
"Whatever. You go undercover in a UFO sex cult and tell me whether you have a lot of daughters or not. Speaking of which…" Lynn found a nearby microphone, attached to the announcements system of the building. "Luna, Luan, can you two come up to the second floor?"
"Jesus, man, you're not going to actually shoot them…" said Kotaro, though he felt that no answer Lynn could give would surprise him.
"No, I just want to tell them to hide with their youngest sister, AKA my…"
"Baby daughter… I got it."
"The only problem is that they would have to leave Lucy alone with Lisa, my brainy daughter, and she's the one the terrorists want."
Kotaro knew he was going to regret it, but he asked, "Why is Lisa the one they want?"
"Because, with her superior brainpower, she managed to create a device that can create temporary rifts in the omniverse (street name; portals, as she would say) that lead to many alternate universes. One of whom is of the utmost importance to these maniacs."
"Which one?"
"The universe where I have ten sons and one daughter."
…
"Can I shoot you?" questioned Kotaro. He was genuinely asking.
"Not right now, my daughters are here," said Lynn. He indicated towards the door where Luna and Luan had just shown up.
"Hey pops. Sup?" asked Luna.
"Heard you're in a bit of an explosive situation," punned Luan, "Ha-ha. Get it?"
"The saddest thing is," remarked Kotaro, "That's the first thing I've gotten all day."
"Girls," said Lynn Sr, ignoring Kotaro's little statement, "I'm so glad you're here. I need you both to…
…
"…Luna, didn't you used to have freckles?"
Everyone looked at the face of the girl who called herself Luna. The girl looked nervous, then quickly pulled out a gun from her back pocket and aimed it at Luan. "Don't move or I will kill your daughter," she threatened in a Russian accent.
"NO, Luna…"
"Not Luna," corrected the girl, "I am global assassin hired by the terrorists to kill you."
"Don't even bother," said Kotaro as he pulled out his weapon as well.
"Kotaro," said Lynn Sr. in a stunned tone, admiring his friend's loyalty, "Thank you. And, please, save my…"
Kotaro aimed his gun at Lynn's head.
"W…wait, wait Kotaro, please don't shoot," begged Lynn Sr, "I have a wife and kids."
"Yes, I'm very well aware."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND," yelled Lynn Sr, "You, Kotaro… you're my daughter."
…
"WHAT?"
"You're the most important daughter of them all. You used to be known as Liberty."
"I'm older than you."
"My daughter Lisa sent me back in time once…"
"I'm a man."
"…a mission that went horribly wrong, as I changed the timeline when I ate a double agent's checkers pieces…"
"I'M ASIAN."
"IT WAS CHINESE CHECKERS."
"Offensive… why did you eat a board game?"
Lynn Sr. opened his mouth to give what would without a doubt be the dumbest thing Kotaro would have heard all day, so Kotaro interrupted him again.
"Never mind, answer me this: Why do you have so many daughters?"
"Alright, listen up everyone," Lynn addressed the three in the room, as he clapped his hands together loudly, "The reason why I had so many daughters is simple, and I'll only say it once."
The three leaned in to hear his answer.
"Condoms.
"Feel.
"Weird."