I knew what was going on, as Manny put the make-up onto my face. My hair was pulled back and I wore slutty clothes like Manny had been wearing all year long, practically. My lips were pink and glossy, and my eyelashes darker and longer with the mascara. I looked like a little girl playing dress up. So did Manny. We were going to the rave to see Chris, but I didn't really like Chris. I mean, I thought he was cool and cute and all, and smart. But I didn't like him, not the same way I liked Sean.

I still liked Sean. It was frustrating, because he had betrayed and abandoned me. Snake was sick and we had the new baby around, baby Jack. I had to help out my family so I couldn't just hang around and do nothing like everyone else. But Sean wouldn't understand that. So why did I still like him? I couldn't answer that question.

"Chris doesn't have a chance," Manny said, smiling at me. I smiled back but I thought it was me who didn't have a chance. We snuck out my basement window, the basement I'd been banished to like some poor princess in a fairy tale.

We were sneaking through the night, neither of our parents knew where we were going. Parents knew so little. My mom still thought I was some innocent little girl. God, when she was my age I'd been like two! She should know, of all people she should know the complicated lives of teenagers. Adulthood makes you forget. They are all amnesiac.

We could hear the pounding beat of the music long before we reached the place, some basement club thing. Manny turned to me and smiled, and I smiled back, feeling nervous. Wishing it was Sean I was sneaking to see instead of Chris. Because I knew that Sean was in my heart, for better or worse. Probably worse.

It was dark and crammed with bodies, everyone moving and the music was so loud I could see it. I was overwhelmed, but it felt nice to dissolve into the crowd, to be invisible that way.

"There he is!" Manny shouted over the music, and I followed her finger to the stage, to all the sound equipment and behind it was Chris. I started to go there, to him, but Manny grabbed my arm and shouted some last minute advice.

"Don't talk about the environment! The environment is not sexy! Don't talk about yourself! Talk about him! That's what guys like!" She lightly shoved me and I took off toward the stage, her last minute advice clanging in my head. She was right, sure. She knew about guys and what they liked. She was the one with her phone ringing off the hook and guys falling all over themselves to be near her. I was the one with a broken heart and no one.

I made it to the stage, determined to forget Sean and to like Chris, to move on. I was moving on, damnit. So I shouted to be heard and talked to him, and I was doing it. I was flirting with another guy and I wasn't getting all hippie/environmentalist on him, and I wasn't plotting against Sean because he broke my heart. I was being sexy, being a girl, getting a new guy and living my life. Sean be damned. I could move on.

I accidentally shut the whole thing down with the heel of my shoe and stared at Chris in mortification, but he laughed and plugged everything back in again, and the crowd roared and swelled as the music came back on, like it was planned. I could see everybody down there moving at once, but I couldn't pick out any individuals. It was the faceless mass of "crowd".

I wanted to want Chris more than I did, I wanted to forget Sean more than I was, which wasn't at all. I still felt my heart beat faster when I saw him, I still felt that roller coaster stomach drop feeling when I heard his voice. I still wanted him. I was in love with Sean. Chris? He was cute enough. He said some smart things in English class. He seemed quasi interested in me. Great. But Sean? Sean, when I was with Sean the world stopped, and I never noticed the lurch when it started again. Sean was someone I wanted with my entire being, every cell yearning toward him, every strand of DNA attuned to him. I couldn't forget him, no matter how many layers of make-up and slutty clothes I applied, no matter how many underground raves I attended. I couldn't forget him. I envied Manny in this regard. She went from one boy to another like a bee to all the pretty flowers in the garden, and the flowers for her were interchangeable.