Originally I was going to make this as a video but then I thought it'd be an interesting fic to write. This isn't what I think will happen in the end, just an idea that came to me as I was listening to '45' by Shinedown
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45
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
Whatever happened to the young mans heart
Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45
Swimming through the ashes of life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
Whatever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
(45 by Shinedown)
Sam had to die tonight. He couldn't watch himself turn into some sort of monster. He wasn't going to sit back and accept the way he was, not anymore. He'd tried to live with this curse but he couldn't do it anymore. Not when it would always be there, eating away at him until one day he turned. Sam stared down at the barrel of the 45 and he thought about Dean. He hadn't seen his brother for days now but he needed to be as far away from his as possible. He needed to do this and Dean would just try and stop him. He hated to make Dean worry but soon Dean wouldn't have to worry anymore. Sam knew that this was selfish of him, Dean had given up everything for Sam. He'd spent his entire life protecting him. This is why Sam had to do this; he didn't want to hurt his brother. Dean said that all Sam needed to do was keep things under control and everything would be okay. But Sam could hear the worry in his voice; he could see the fear in Dean's eyes. He saw that deep down inside Dean was just as scared as he was if not more. Sam knew that even if it came to it Dean would never give up on him. He had to do this; he wasn't trying to hurt Dean - he was trying to protect him.
It'd all started a few days ago when he'd started having nightmares. He'd seen himself turn evil…he watched himself hurt Dean. He'd tried to ignore but it was like Jess all over again except this time it was in his hands, he could stop it. But he'd had the same nightmare over and over and he had to get out. He had to get away from Dean. He'd left one night and tried to go as far away as he could. Sam had tried to so hard to convince himself that he wouldn't let it happen, Dean wouldn't let it happen. But the truth was that Sam didn't trust himself and he couldn't see a way for his brother to save him this time. He looked at the gun once more and his grip on it tightened. He heard his cell ringing again and he knew that it was Dean. But he couldn't bring himself to pick it up. He frowned and wondered if Dean had tracked him down; he'd considered getting rid of his phone but it was almost as if a tiny part of Sam wanted Dean to find him. To stop him before it was too late. But it was already too late; things had already gone too far. Sam had no one left no one except Dean. By doing this he'd be saving Dean, and even though Dean would be alone he'd be safer without Sam.
Sam picked up his phone as it rang once more. He sighed deeply as he realised that he couldn't leave without giving Dean some sort of explanation.
"Sam? Sam are you okay? Why did you just take off like that?" Dean asked as soon as Sam answered the call. Sam remained silent as he tried to fight back the tears that had begun to form, "Sam? Are you all right? Say something" Dean said and Sam could hear the fear in his voice. He blinked the tears away and he said,
"Dean you have stop looking for me…I don't want you to…"
"You don't want me to what?" Dean asked, when Sam stopped abruptly. But Sam cleared his throat and said,
"You've spent your whole life watching out for me…and I wanna say thanks, I mean no one ever looked after you but you never complained Dean, never. You sacrificed everything for me and all I could was stand back and watch you die…but you're here now and I'm not going to let you again because of me". Sam paused as he took a deep breath, "Dean…I…I'm sorry, none of this is your fault…so…please don't blame yourself…" Tears were rolling down Sam's face now and he did nothing to stop them. Dean could hear that his little brother was upset and unbeknown to Sam, Dean was sitting outside the motel he was in.
"Sammy…it's okay…we're going to be okay" he said. He knew that he should have gone up there and tried to reassure his brother but he was scared, scared that he wouldn't be able to convince him when he was struggling to convince himself. Sam carried on as if he hadn't heard what Dean had said,
"This is just something that I need to do and I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me…bye Dean" he said in a distant voice and he hung up.
Dean leaned back in his seat and he stared up at the motel. Something he needed to do? 'I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me'. 'Please don't blame yourself' Dean sat up suddenly, Sam wasn't the only thing that had gone missing! He'd taken a .45 with him; Dean had just thought that it was for protection but now it made sense. He practically wrenched the car door open and he ran into the motel. He banged on every door he saw and became even more panicked when he saw that Sam wasn't behind them. Finally he reached the top floor and he was rushing down the hallway and he reached the final door and paused briefly, then he opened the door and he saw Sam sitting there and he breathed a sigh of relief. Sam looked up at his brother with hope in his eyes. He knew that Dean would come; he just hoped that when it really came down to it Dean would be able save him.