Title: I Hate Everything About You
Rating: T (for sexual references and one swear word)
Summary: Bernard/Fran. Songfic. As she lies awake in bed, Fran wonders why she keeps going back to him.
Disclaimer: I don't own Black Books (though I do have the box set of the DVDs) or the song I Hate Everything About You.
Author's Note: Ever since Bernard told Fran that she had a very nice dress, I've been a Bernard/Fran shipper. I've tried to keep them in character as much as possible, so I hope I've done okay.
I Hate Everything About You
"Bernard, can you pass me a cigarette?" asked Fran from her position in bed. Without looking at her, Bernard passed it over, which Fran took and hastily lit. She sighed as she breathed out the smoke.
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
"Why do we keep doing this Bernard?" she said, glancing towards him.
"Because we're two lonely, tragic souls who rely on each other for that truly animal attraction that is sexual intercourse," replied Bernard matter-of-factly as he took a glass of wine from his bedside table and gulped it down.
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
"But we're friends," said Fran. "You don't think this'll ruin anything?"
"It was hardly what you'd call a close friendship," said Bernard, pouring himself more wine. "It's not like we made each other little friendship bracelets that we wore everywhere … eugh. I think it was more the fact that we don't repulse each other as much as the rest of the world."
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
"And where does Manny fit into all of this?" persisted Fran. "You do know he sleeps next door."
"Yep," said Bernard, a stupid grin forming on his face. "And he hasn't slept for days. He's got bags under his eyes. He looks like a big, shaggy Panda bear."
"And is he okay with this?" asked Fran.
"Why wouldn't he be?" said Bernard. "You're not doing him as well are you?"
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
"Bernard," continued Fran. "We're not … boyfriend and girlfriend are we?" Bernard spat out his wine.
"No!" he exclaimed. "God no! Oh, don't make me sick!"
"Good," said a relieved Fran. "I just wanted to make that clear. It's just sex."
"Yes it is," said Bernard. "I mean, it's so much easier that all that boyfriend and girlfriend rubbish. We'd have to do things like hold hands in public…"
"Oh no," said Fran, shaking her head. "And meet each other's parents…"
"And buy each other flowers and chocolates and teddy bears," said Bernard in disgust.
Only when I stop to think about it
"The thing is," said Fran, "I haven't figured out why I'm using you to satisfy my desires. I would have hoped that I could do better than that."
"I've heard that before," muttered Bernard. "Ah, those who have stooped to the level of fucking Bernard Black. It's a mystery not even I know the answer to."
"But seriously," said Fran. "Why would I pick a freak like you?"
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
"I mean, the hygiene around this place is absolutely appalling…" said Fran as she picked up her shoe and brought it down on a rat, "…you show no compassion towards anyone else, and you expect to be treated like a god. You're a pig, Bernard Black."
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
"Well what about you?" said Bernard, turning to face Fran. "You just hang around the shop all day, annoying me with all your gossip. You drink my wine and read my books. If I'm a pig, you're the fly buzzing around my backside."
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Fran folded her arms.
"Fine," she said. "I can be a fly. You're a pig."
"Maybe I'll start calling you a fly," said Bernard. "Hello Fly."
"Hello Pig," said Fran.
Only when I stop to think about it
Fran's jaw dropped open in horror.
"Oh no," she said. "Did we just give each other pet names?"
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Fran ran her hands through her hair.
"This is driving me insane!" she exclaimed. "I can't count the number of times that I swore I would never end up here, and here I am. Why?" Bernard turned to her.
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
"Okay, I was actually hoping to get a few hours sleep, so if it'll shut you up I'll tell you why you're here," he said. "You are here because, despite our differences, we put up with each other. I could chuck you out of the shop, but I put up with you. You could tell me to stop being a bastard, but you don't. You're the only person in the world who will tolerate me, just like I'm the only person who will tolerate you. We're all each other has."
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
"There's Manny," commented Fran.
"Don't get started on Manny," said Bernard. "The point is, you're alright."
I hate
You hate
Fran smiled.
"You're alright too," she said.
I hate
You love me
"I don't suppose … you want to go again?" she asked timidly. Bernard rolled his eyes.
"Fine," he said. "But this is the last time tonight!"
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
The End
Have I made Bernard too nice? I decided based on that time when he covered Fran with his coat (so cute!) that he CAN be nice. Plus I had a dream that he declared love to her and they kissed.