A/N: Writer's angst. Writer's angst… ANGST! Um, anyway, this is based on real events, don't ask me about it, please. I'm over that part of my life, and it's nobody's buisness but mine.
Lacy: I thought I was the gothic one here!
Miki: Who cares?
Lacy: HEEEEEEEEEY! Argh…
Miki: I don't own Twilight… Life is pointless…
Lacy: ARGH!! R&R!
Miki: No one will…
Lacy: -smacks Miki upside the back of her head- SHUT UP YOU NINCOMPOOP!
Miki: okay, did you seriously just call me a nincompoop?
Lacy: Shut up and type!
BPOV
Just after Jake tells her they can't be friends again. Jake doesn't come that night. In my story he comes later the next week...
Charlie was fishing again, and I was left alone, the tears of last night slowly trickled down my still wet and swollen face. I sat up and got dressed slowly, lost in memories that stabbed me like a dull knife. But I didn't plan on having to deal with it much longer. I wasn't giving anyone else the chance to carve their own little hole out of my chest. Who would be next? Angela? Charlie? Renee? Despite my best effort a sob escaped. My mind raced through the last good memories I had
Edward holding me as we watched Romeo and Juliet
Esme's motherly face
Jake working on the bikes, talking to me, making me feel half-way human
Edward in the meadow, skin sparkling like diamonds, only much more precious
Jasper, keeping his distance, still caring
Renee's wide, innocent eyes
Alice getting me dressed up for the prom, funny how I didn't like it at the time
Carlisle, always there to stitch me up
Edward's crooked smile
Angela's shy smile
Quil and Embry laughing in Jake's garage
Emmett's crushing bear hugs
Jake's carefree laughter
Charlie's crinkly eyed smile
I looked around my room for the last time. Almost unchanged by the years I had been gone, almost unchanged by the angel that had stayed here almost every night for those precious month, almost unchanged by the zombie that angel had left behind. Unlike me, the human. The plain, aging, zombie-like human, who thought she had been healing these past weeks.
I took the stairs slowly, still thinking of my would-be family, my best friend, and my fickle Romeo. This would be the last time. I swore. Relief, relief, relief! My mind screamed, knowing beyond the living room, in the hallway, hanging on the coat hanger, was relief.
My steps quickened as soon as Charlie's pistol come into sight. I was tired of acting. Maybe this was how Edward felt, when he said he didn't want to pretend anymore. All it took was that, and my pleasant memories took a turn for the worst.
Edward's frozen eyes
Jake's bitter smile
Sam's cold eyes in my dream
Charlie's fist coming down hard on the table
Jasper, lunging at me, not a shred of humanity in his topaz eyes
Alice's guttural growl
Edward backing away from me
Laying in the forest, zombie like
James, the tracker, coming forward to kill me, a pleasant smile on his face
Esme's apologetic smile as she left the room
Me, screaming and throwing the suitcase crossed the room "NO! I'M NOT GOING CHARLIE! YOU! CAN'T! MAKE! ME!"
Then there were only voices, overlapping each other as I picked up the gun with shaking fingers, getting louder and louder until it was meaningless babble, like I was in the middle of a huge crowd. But I was alone. I had never been more alone in my life, not even when James had been hunting me.
"Are you Bella Swan?"
"Keep your opinions to yourself."
"You're taking me to PROM!"
"I can feel what you're feeling, and you are worth it."
"You could always cancel you know."
"Are you alone?"
"You are my life now."
"The cold ones, your people would call them vampires."
"I never noticed, you're hair has red in it."
"I was thinking about right and wrong actually."
"…That's why I'm so glad he's found you dear."
"You'll tell Jasper I'm not mad at him won't you?"
"No! Edward don't-!"
"Hells always better when you have an angel with you."
"I'll never put you in danger again so it's a moot point."
"Bella doesn't like music."
"Are you- breaking up with me?"
"Alice isn't coming back?"
"Actually she'll be busy every other night concerning anyone except myself."
"Hold your breath it will help."
"I don't want to be a monster."
Letting another sob loose I took out it out of its case and held it up, pointing away from me, for now. It wavered in my shaking hands.
"No Bella! Don't! You promised!" The velvet voice hissed. I stiffened and straitened u.p So did you! I shrieked back "Put it down Bella. It's not worth it! Please!" funny how his voice went from furious to pleading in an instant. No Edward. I'm tired of pretending too, and why do you care? You left me. Why should I have to get up everyday, try and convince myself I don't still love you, put on a semi-human face for Charlie, go to school, deal with everyone's hormones, tune everything out so there's not a chance that I'll see or hear anything to do with you? Oh, but now that I'm about to do the only thing that has the smallest hint of possibly making the agony you left me in, and you tell me to stop? The voice was silent, though I heard low growling. I held the gun up again, this time pointing it at my head; the steel gleamed ominously under the dim light. It was still shaking, but I was sure this is what I wanted, no, that wasn't right, what I wanted was my love to come back, bringing with him the family I had once dreamed of belonging too.
My finger moved toward the trigger "No!" The voice commanded sternly. Yes! I said back angrily. "Bella don't do this! What about Charlie?" Charlie said he didn't want me to be miserable. "Renee?" Renee has Phil to help her. "What about your friends?" They'll hardly notice I'm gone. "What about… me?" he asked in a soft voice. It made me angry you're not here anymore Edward; you're off somewhere enjoying your distractions while I suffer here! I raised the gun to the side of my head and closed my eyes. Edward's face was there, looking at me sadly. I pushed it away. The pain was gone. Now there was only anger. "Please Bella! Please!" the voice yelled. Without my permission, the gun lowered and I brought it back up. "Bella put the gun up and walk away." It turns soothing. It supported my notion that Edward Anthony Cullen had a multiple personality disorder. I grabbed the case with my free hand, but out of an effort of will, the gun didn't waver. I held it steady just below my ear.
Then, the voice did the one thing I could never ever resist. It started sobbing, like he had when he had thought I was going to die at the hands of James. "Not over me!" he begged. "You're stronger than this Bella! Don't be weak!" I started crying and lowered the gun and put it in its case. Slowly I hung it up and started walking up the stairs. I needed more sleep. The nightmares had kept me up that night, and it seemed I still had a life to live. "I am that weak Edward." I sobbed into my pillow "That's why I'm still here."
I'm literally crying right now. DX –sob sob-
Lacy: I've seen emoer.
Miki: Screw off.