Dear Dad,
I hate this job. My companions (down to two now) are sarcastic and annoying. All of the hobbits have gone, either captured by Uruks or going to Mount Doom on their own, though I don't see how they will make it after eating all that Lembas. Maybe if they're at the top of a hill when the Orcs catch up, they can roll down and squash them.
Gandalf disappeared awhile back, looking for his hat in Moria – that cranky Balrog ran off with it when it found out that the designer label wasn't based in China. Probably, we'll find it on orcBay or Celeborn's List under 'rarities.'
And I really don't think Boromir's dead. He was mumbling 'extra hot and foam' in his sleep the other night while I was removing key components from Legolas's hairdryer (honestly, only a prancy elf would pack something like that on a long trip and guess who has to carry the bloody backup generator to power the blasted thing?) and it sounded like the first stages of Wormteeth. Yeah, he got shot with a couple arrows, but I think he was caffeine-deprived for the most part. I tried telling this to Legolas; he hastily changed the subject when I mentioned he might brew up a portion of his Valar Mithrilbeans ™ stash. He claimed it too strong for humans.
Following the boat funeral, we didn't know what to do next until Aragorn found that the Uruks had taken his favorite hunting knife. Legolas watched as he ran off in pursuit, then turned to tell me running was bad for the hair and that he would just stroll along until Aragorn collapsed or gave up.
I told him that I'd dissected his hair dryer and hid the parts in Aragorn's pack.
He decided to pick up the pace and help save the world after all, saying profound things such as 'the betterment of the human race requires haste' and 'to promote brotherly love among all free peoples' and 'you are so dead once I get my hair dryer back, you bearded little buffoon with the rampaging nosehair.'
You'd be amazed at how much more motivated I was to rescue Merry and Pippin then. The fact that I wanted to take out my fury on a certain fleeing elf's kneecaps for insulting a dwarf's pride and beard had little to do with it at all.
More later, Dad. Hope you and the rest are doing well.
Your son,
Gimli
Wormteeth: ancient Rohrm deriv. 1) a slang term among the races of man and dwarf for the sickness following an extended period of caffeine deprivation, scientifically known as caffeineous scarcia. Various symptoms include hallucination, fixation on caffeine-high foods, later loss of eyebrows, and ultimately leading to joining the darkside and offering bad counsel to horselords.
A/N: I cannot say if I will continue this. I wrote this as a gift for my Boromir Letter fans and hope they enjoy it.