I feel I should warn you, this is entirely the result of 5 AM musings about where Kurama keeps all the seeds and stuff. This was co-written by Himura Aikouka, although to be fair I did most of it. Anyway, neither of us had gone to sleep and we didnt go to sleep until 10 AM, if that tells you anything. So the cow Hiei finds was turned into Hatsuharu Sohma from Fruits Basket, the Zodiac cow, in case you didn't know, because a) we had watched FB earlier that evening and b) our delirious minds thought it would be hilarious. And henceforth was the World's Most Random Yaoi Pairing: Hatsuharu and Kurama.
Warnings: MUCHO INSANITY, sexual themes bordering on lime, nudity, and did I mention insanity?
Pairings: Kurama x Hiei, Kurama x Hatsuharu
Kurama, Hiei, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, Jin, Touya, and Genkai all (c) Yoshihiro Togashi, Shonen Jump, and FUNimation
Hatsuharu Sohma (c) Natsuki Takaya, Hakusensha, and FUNimation
The cockatoo (c) Harold Sakuishi, Kodansha, and FUNimation
I am not making any money off the publication of this story, I don't own anything, yadda yadda...
Kurama had a headache and he didn't know why. For nearly a week he spent his working hours secretly growing different plants in the rug at his office trying to come up with a solution with no success. The nights at home were even worse: it felt as though objects were rattling around in his skull. By the fourth night of being pushed away by Kurama's feeble cries of, "not tonight, fire-baby. I can't clear my head," Hiei had given up and resorted to inhabiting the shower and a tree in equal amounts of time.
Confused, Kurama tried calling everyone he knew. He first asked Hiei what he thought could be wrong, but the fire demon merely snorted. "It's obvious you stupid fox, you have a headache. Now, don't fight me anymore, or if you do we'll have to fuck it out."
Undeterred, Kurama tried calling Touya and Jin for advice. Jin, of course, answered and, after a half-hour of nonstop babbling, confessed, "Hell if I know! Severed limbs, I can handle but fuck if I know anything about headaches!"
Kurama then tried to will his pain away, using his energy to make the pain stop penetrating his brain. Finally, he just resorted to lying down for hours at a time interrupted by periods of intensive banging his head against the wall. It was during one of these little episodes that Hiei flitted into the room, fresh from another cold shower, "Fox, this has crossed the line. I do not know what is wrong with your head, but maybe Yukina can figure it out. We have to go there anyway today to see her and the oaf. Now, dress before the sight of you forces me to go back into the shower."
"Oh…Yukina. Of course…" Kurama blinked, shaking the spiral fainted anime marks from his eyes. "Why didn't I think of that…before...?"
"Hn. Because you were too busy banging your damn head against the wall. Idiot." Hiei turned to leave—through the window as always—and Kurama grabbed the back of his cloak.
"Wait, Hiei…" he stammered. He pulled the fire demon back over to him, ignoring Hiei's growls of protest—and large anger and despair mark—and turned him around. The fox kissed Hiei's forehead—the only part of him Kurama could each—and patted him on the head. "Thanks for putting up with—eep!"
"You really shouldn't have done that, fox…" Hiei growled, pushing Kurama back onto the bed.
Arriving at the temple only an hour late, Hiei was much more complacent than normal and even allowed Kurama to hold his hand. Kurama, however, was now even more dazed, stumbling around with a vacant expression in his green eyes, occasionally crashing into furniture, people, the walls… His head hurt even more now, if that were possible, and it felt as if something large and irritated had dislodged itself from somewhere in his skull.
Sighing, the fire demon grabbed the disoriented redhead and dragged him over to where Yukina was standing with Kuwabara. He thrust the fox impatiently at his sister, growling, "He's had a headache for almost a week now. Can you fix it?" He paused. "Although he wasn't complaining when I screwed him sensel—"
Kurama clapped a hand over Hiei's mouth. "What he means to say is…well…I'm not sure what he means to say," he stuttered, fully aware of the way Kuwabara's eye was twitching. Yukina, of course, was as clueless as ever. Hiei squirmed away from his fox and smirked.
Yukina smiled. "I don't know if I can be much help, but I'll certainly try, Kurama," she said, reaching up to feel Kurama's forehead.
A loud crash brought their attention over to the screen door, which had just fallen into the room. Yusuke had unearthed sake from somewhere. Genkai did nothing but calmly sip her tea.
Kurama sat on a cushion, a pack of ice on his head, watching Yusuke and Kuwabara systematically trash Genkai's temple. Hiei lounged indifferently in the doorway, occasionally casting glances Kurama's way. The fox closed his eyes in an attempt to ward off the massive quantities of noise the ex-Spirit Detective was making. So when Yusuke snuck up on him, piss drunk and scheming, Kurama, for the first and last time in his life, remained oblivious.
"CHEER UP KURAMA!!" The fox nearly jumped out of his skin and his head throbbed sympathetically. Yusuke laughed and ruffled Kurama's hair, making the angry big unknown object rattle once more. Kurama winced.
"Please, Yusuke…my head…"
"Whatcha sho down for, K'rama?" Yusuke laughed now whacking Kurama repeatedly on the head., his speech slurred nearly to the point of incomprehension. "S'a party, right? Have shome f—huh?"
Kurama blinked, believing for a blissful moment that Yusuke had quit beating him upside the head, until he heard Kuwabara freak out.
"GYAAHHH! WHERE THE HELL'D YER HAND GO, UR'MESHI!?"
"…Dunno." Kurama cringed once more as Yusuke hit him once more. "That's weird…" Suddenly the detective laughed. "Hey I knew yah had alotta hair K'rama but I didn't know you had THAT much hair! It's eatin' my hand!"
"Eating your—what on Earth are you going on about, Yusuke?" Kurama was in no mood for Yusuke's nonsense.
"I mean that my hand's vanished into yer hair--hunh!? Hey I think there's somethin' in here!"
Kurama sighed. "Yes, Yusuke. Presumably it would be…hair. Seeing as your hand is buried in it…"
"Naw I mean it feelsh like…paper?"
"Don't be ridiculous, why would there be pa—" he was interrupted by Yusuke's yell. Finally, the fox twisted around in time to see a photograph flutter to the floor. It had fallen from the ex-Detective's frozen hands. His equally frozen face had an expression of shock bordering on disgust. Both Hiei and Kuwabara had practically collided in an attempt to distract Yukina from the 4 x 6 glossy now lying on the floor.
Kurama picked it up and nearly dropped it again with a yelp as his eyes registered the image. The fox had no idea how a picture of Hiei tying Kurama up had ended up in his hair, and he felt his gaze shoot to Hiei, who looked livid. "How—how—why—what on—I don't—"
His tirade of stammers was cut short as Hiei fwacked him over the head, and then again, and again, until finally he too found the spot where Yusuke's arm had vanished. His grasping, disbelieving fingers found another piece of paper.
There was a silence so loud it hurt Kurama's ears more than Yusuke's shouting had. Another 4 x 6 was thrust under Kurama's nose, held in violently trembling fingers.
"Explain." Hiei had been able to deal with the first photo, the one with Kurama in bondage under Hiei's control, but he could not handle the one he now held. Once the blurry image focused, Kurama knew why. Karasu's sadistically grinning face leered at the fox from over the whip in the raven's hand.
Kurama let loose a nervous giggle. The silence grew thicker. "Um…well…he kinda snuck into my room during the Tournament and…uhhh…" Yukina, all gods bless her, saved him from any further attempts at explaining why he was in such a compromising position with Karasu.
"Um…don't you think these pictures could be the source of your headache, Kurama?"
The fox sat up straight again in relief. "Of course! Yukina, you're brilliant! Thank you!" He paused. "But…where are they coming from?"
Yusuke, who had been silent for a few blissful moments, burst out laughing again. "You know, I always wondered where he kept all those seeds and roses and stuff, and here it turns out there's a friggin' black hole in the back of his head!!"
Kuwabara made a smart decision—for once—and dragged Yukina out of the room as Hiei and Yusuke started yanking more photos and packets of seeds from the back of Kurama's head. The pile of them grew under the fox's mortified nose and he could hear Hiei trembling in rage. There were photos of all sizes of Kurama in compromising and just downright dirty positions with Hiei, Karasu, even Kuronue, although Kurama was fairly certain photography had not been invented back when he was alive. He heard Hiei snicker.
"You're gonna pay for all this, fox," he hissed in Kurama's ear, not bothering to lower his voice. Yusuke could hear every word. "And what's more, some of these pictures have given me a few ideas…" Kurama paled as the fire demon's eyes flickered to one of Karasu.
Suddenly, Yusuke paused. "Hey, what the hell is…this…?" Kurama heard the ruffle of cloth and the rasp of lace and felt himself turn an even deeper shade of crimson. It didn't help when Yusuke burst into peals of laughter. "This is that outfit you're wearing in this picture, and this one, and ohh that does not look comfortable…"
"You know, it was actually quite enjoyable after –" his speech was interrupted by Hiei producing a dog collar and leash and fastening it around Kurama's neck.
"Up. Bathroom. Now." Hiei grumbled withdrawing a leather strap from beneath his cloak. "Fox. You. Will. LEARN."
Kurama paled. "Shouldn't we remove everything from this first so you'll know at least how much you will have to punish me," he muttered, shivering at the word "punishment" before continuing on, "for all the naughty things I've done…"
Yusuke grinned and began pulling out naughty outfit after naughty outfit. "French maid, check. School girl, check. Nurse, check." Yusuke counted on his fingers. "Damn someone likes to dress up. Oh, look, he's even got a lacy pink thong!" With that, the ex-Detective collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter and Hiei descended upon the fox with hunger in his eyes.
"W-wait, I...don't think that's everything," Kurama rushed, stalling for time. "It still feels like there's some stuff still in there…"
Hiei growled angrily and nudged Yusuke with his toe. "Get up, detective, we're not finished here."
Yusuke sat up, wiping tears of pure glee from his eyes and sticking his hand back into the void. "Oh get real, what more could there possibly be?" he said, still laughing.
They soon found out. Hiei's fist closed around the object with a foreboding cackle and Kurama could almost see the color draining from Yusuke's face as the boy's laughter suddenly abated.
Once again Hiei's voice tickled Kurama's ear. "I knew you were a masochist, fox, but apparently I had no idea just how much of a masochist…" His laugh was as close to an excited giggle as Hiei could get. "I can't wait until I can try out some of the toys I'm finding in here…"
Kurama could only wonder what "toys" they had found, and whether they were the same ones that had mysteriously gone missing around the time he moved out of his mother's house. Come to think of it, all the costumes and lingerie had gone missing around that time as well…
"Ooooohhhhkkkaaay, before it was funny but now this is just gettin' too weird, Kurama," Yusuke declared, dropping the black rubber dildo in front of the fox and effectively confirming Kurama's fears. Hiei came close to another giggle as he unearthed a riding crop and a set of handcuffs. Kurama couldn't remember Hiei ever getting this excited before, and it scared him.
Amidst a pile of dirty photographs, costumes, lingerie, and sex toys Kurama sat, waiting, unable to do a thing as Hiei and Yusuke raided the back of his head. Finally, the two sat back, Hiei looking eager and evil and Yusuke looking deeply disturbed. And, miracle of miracles, Kurama's headache was gone. Completely gone.
"Hey! It's gone! My headache is gone!" Kurama said, smiling with the relief. His smile vanished as Hiei dragged him to his feet. As the fire demon opened his mouth—no doubt to growl more warnings—the headache returned with full force and then some, rampaging around his skull like an angry bull. "Never mind…" Kurama whined. "It's still there…"
"OH no," Yusuke said, backing away. "I am not pullin' any more junk from your hair, Kurama!"
Hiei snarled, dropped the fox back on the floor and reaching back in side. The growl remained in his voice for a few moments and then it stopped. Because Hiei had frozen in shock, arm still buried in the black hole. Kurama said his name a few times, and then shouted it a few times, until the fire demon twitched in response and slowly, oh so slowly, began to pull out his arm. Kurama could feel it—it was huge and was whatever had been causing the worst of the headache. And he had a sickening idea he knew just what it was…
Yusuke's eyes bulged as Hiei came away with what appeared to be a hoof. Following the hoof was a black-and-white leg. A flailing black and white leg. All three of them could hear angry mooing. Really angry mooing. The source of it became clear in a moment as the back end of a cow appeared from Kurama's head, tail lashing bad-temperedly, other leg kicking for freedom.
"W-What the…" Now Hiei was the one sounding frightened. Kurama was sitting in shock and despair. The kicking, flailing, angry cow emerged from the void in Kurama's head, mostly by it's own furious momentum.
"What? What is it?" Kurama asked, feeling the pain finally dissipate and hearing another loud crash, which was presumably Yusuke falling on the floor laughing.
"You truly are prepared for anything, aren't you, Kurama?" All three—plus the cow—froze. They had forgotten Genkai was still there. "All the same, I'm not sure about the cow…" She sipped her tea.
"Hey! I'm not always a cow!!" Hiei and Kurama looked at Yusuke in confusion, because the perturbed cow sounded so much like the detective, but Yusuke was still curled in the fetal position laughing hysterically. "It's just that you idiots have been freaking me the hell out for a long time!! Ask Kurama!! HE knows quite well that I am not always a cow!"
"…what." Hiei growled, turning to glare at the cow, and then at Kurama.
"H-Haru…" Kurama whimpered.
The cow laughed, still sounding eerily like Yusuke, and pointed a hoof at one of the less naughty pictures on the ground. "Oh, yes. I've done that," he pointed to another, slightly naughtier picture, "and some of that," and then to the naughtiest one he could find without digging through them all, "and I've definitely done some of that." If a cow could grin evilly, this one would be. "…And worse. He screams and begs so nicely…" Kurama had progressively been shrinking as the cow spoke. Hiei's angry glare was alternating burning holes through him and through the cow.
Yusuke pulled his laughter under control long enough to say, "So, lemme get this straight. While Hiei's been gone, you've been having sex with a cow. A talking cow whose voice sounds oddly familiar…"
Kurama's voice was as tiny as he felt. "He's not a cow most of the time, I promise…"
The cow was grinning again. "And when I'm not a cow, he loves what I do with the piercing on my—" BOOM!! In a puff of brightly colored smoke, the cow was gone. In its place was a boy. And he was totally naked.
Jin chose to float in at that exact second. He paused, blinked, shook his head, and said, "I have no idea exactly what's goin' on here, but put some clothes on!" He proceeded to float right out the other door. Yusuke followed him, noting the murderous glimmer in Hiei's eye and the smoke on his right arm.
"ThisisnolongeranyofmybusinesssoI'llleaveyouthreelovebirdsalone. Bye."
Kurama, having regained his usual poise, glared up at the black-and-white haired boy. "Hatsuharu, you just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?"
"Aww, have my words upset you?" Haru purred, bending down to press his finger against Kurama's lips before kneeling to kiss the redhead.
Hiei had several hundred of the world's largest anger and despair marks peppering his head, face, hair, cloak, sash, and sword. Genkai calmly sipped her tea.
Haru's hand, which had been sliding around the back of Kurama's head, suddenly found the black hole. He suddenly yelped in pain and pulled his hand away, a large white cockatoo hanging onto his finger, a large bundle of seeds clutched in its angry claws. The bird let go, landed on the top of Hiei's hair, opened its beak, and positively yelled,
"AAASSHOLE!!"
There was silence. The Genkai finally looked up from her tea and asked, "What is that ridiculous appendage growing out of your head? Whatever it is, it would seem you've made a very like-minded friend."
The bird screamed, "AAASSHOLE!!" once more, just to reiterate his views on the situation. Hiei looked ready to kill. "I will turn that insolent…cow's genitals into a hamburger and feed it to the fox as I punish him for his indiscretions," he snarled. "You realize, fox, you will never be allowed out of my sight again, and I highly doubt you'll be wearing clothes for any of the foreseeable future," he smirked. "Other than what's on the floor, of course."
"ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!"
Haru ignored the steaming fire demon and pressed his lips to Kurama's once more, unbuttoning the top button of the fox's shirt and whispered, "I know you love it when I do that," he whispered, unearthing the naughtiest photo he could easily find and showing it to the fox before whispering again, "We both know you love this piercing, especially in that position." Haru snickered and exposed himself to Kurama.
The fox was trembling, unable to pull himself together and unable to wrench his gaze away from Haru's narrowed gray eyes. On the edge of his consciousness he was aware of Hiei, ready to explode, and was mildly surprised he hadn't yet attacked. Dimly the fox realized he should snap out of his daze and grabbed Haru's hand as it toyed with the buttons on his shirt.
"D-Don't…" he managed to whimper.
"Yes, listen to the fox, you bovine idiot, if you value your life." Smoke was billowing from Hiei's arm and his sword vibrated with the force of Hiei's rage.
"Aaaasshooooollle."
Hiei's temple throbbed. "Will someone shut that damn bird UP!?"
"Asshole!!" The cockatoo sneered impudently at the fire demon from his perch on the table.
Haru had pinned Kurama to the floor, still ignoring the sword tickling his spine, and was straddling him by the time Hiei had redirected his rage back towards the black-and-white haired boy.
"Get. Off." Hiei breathed, the bandages on his arm dissolving.
Kurama saw where this was going and wormed his way from under Haru, and then flung himself at Hiei, knocking the smaller demon to the ground. "Control yourself, Hiei!" he barked. "This is not a matter that requires your dragon!"
"Then at least let me cut him to ribbons…" The fire demon growled, wriggling.
Haru smirked. "Someone's jealous," he snickered.
"I'll kill him," Hiei raged, but Kurama did not let go. All of the fox's seeds and plants were scattered across the floor, no longer at his fingertips, and Kurama was fruitlessly trying to reach one in the hope that he could at least halt Hiei's angry rampage. "Get off, Kurama," Hiei hissed. "You know the dragon has a mind of its own; I can't control it when it wants to be released…" Kurama made the smart decision of scrambling out of Hiei's line of fire as fast as he could. Haru attempted to follow, but Hiei's fist connected with his stomach and he flew backwards into the paper wall. He was stunned for just a moment, but it was long enough.
"DRAGON…OF…THE DARKNESS FLAME!!"
"AAASSSSHHOOOOLLLLEE!!" The cockatoo joined cheerfully in with Hiei's scream.
Kurama cringed as the dragon hurled eagerly at Hatsuharu. However, Haru merely swore and kicked the dragon in the face. (Yes. He kicked the Dragon of the Darkness Flame in the face. Do not question. )
An epic struggle between Zodiac boy and Hell-dragon ensued, with the dragon straining confusedly against Haru's grasp and Haru pushing it away with all his might. Hiei, Kurama, and the cockatoo stared, dumbfounded, and Genkai calmly sipped her tea.
The contest raged for a few moments, the strain evident in the sweat gathering on Haru's forehead until—BOOM!—he changed back into a cow under the stress.
So now it was talking, dairy-producing bovine versus confounded, fizzling black hell-dragon. Forehead-to-forehead they strained, Haru's hooves scrambling against the bamboo mats as he slowly slid backwards until he was pressing against the paper walls, which soon broke.
It was like a tug of war game where one side suddenly lets go. Haru shot backwards like a bullet, looking very cow-like as he skidded down the steps and into the trees. Hiei's seriously befuddled dragon followed, unable to control the momentum it had built up as it had pushed against Hatsuharu. With a perturbed screech it shot down the stairs, setting a few trees and the remainder of the temple door on fire. The cockatoo hopped from foot to foot excitedly, flapping its wings.
"ASSHOOLLE! AAASSHOLE!!"
Hiei turned to face Kurama, an evilly furious look on his face. Before Kurama could even formulate the thought of turning and fleeing for his life, the fire demon had grabbed the leash—which for some reason the fox had neglected to remove—and dragged the weakly protesting redhead through the smoking hole in the wall.
Amidst the flames, wreckage, and cries of, "Hiei, you're…choking…me…", Genkai calmly sipped her tea.
A/N: If anyone--other than himura aikouka can name the anime that the cockatoo comes from, I will do...something. Not sure what. XD PM or review with guesses