A/N: This is basically a retelling of an old Edo play using Gintama characters as the puppets. It happened when I was reading Chikamatsu's play and the characters turned into Taka and Zura. ^^; It's not original so I wasn't sure about posting this, but I hope you'd enjoy it, if only a little bit. If it's really bad please let me know! My apologies to TakaZura fans, there is no YAOI or romance this time. Rated for decapitation: Puppet heads will be pulled off!
Disclaimer: This story belongs to Chikamatsu Monzaemon, Japan's most famous playwright also known as the "God of Writers" and the "Shakespeare of Japan". Traditionally, the play is narrated by a single Seiyuu who will sometimes break into song, accompanied by shamisen music. ( Hence the italics at the ends of each paragraph ) Lead characters belong to Hideaki Sorachi. Background puppets designed by Capcom & Koei.
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SAMURAI PUPPETS
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Hey I'm Gengai Hirata, your Seiyuu for tonight. Some of you may know me by my nickname, "Kabuki-cho's Number One Mechanic", but tonight, I'm just another amateur puppeteer basking at your street corner who calls himself, "Kabuki-cho's Number One Toy Maker." I'm sixty-eight years old and basically a crusty old misanthrope, which means I prefer to hide in my workshop making samurai robots rather than drinking sake at Otose's Snack Bar. But ever since my sons Saburo 1 and Saburo 2 passed away, I've had a change of heart.
Saburo's last words were, "Father, I like you the best when you're working on your latest invention, greasy fingerprints on your face and grinning like a kid at play."
So here I am... I've decided to take their words literally and put up a play with all the new samurai puppets that I've invented. If you enjoy the story or like the puppets don't bother to throw me coins, just come by my stall at the Edo AnimeExpo later on, I'm at the northwest corner, underneath the huge Gintama cardboard cutout– you can't miss it – there you can find all kinds of custom made robots, including a female!Zurako bishoujo figurine. What? Is her blue kimono cast-offable, you ask? Well…wouldn't you like to Know? Pre-order now before you regret it!
On with the play…
Firstly: the cast. The hero of our play is the Shogunate, our dearly beloved Bakufu, may it reign forevermore! Let's just say, if I didn't write like that, the Shinsengumi might pay me a visit one of these nights. I'm still under probation after my…uh… adventure at last year's summer Matsuri. Yeah…I'm ashamed to admit it but Ojiji here has spent time in a jail. On the other hand, the bad guys are Takasugi and his companion Bansai, portrayed as treacherous ministers. I don't blame Taka for what he did to me, but it doesn't hurt anybody for his puppet to die a slow, painful and dishonorable death in my play, hmph! Perhaps one day I'll portray his brighter side, like his dark sexy charisma and misunderstood nobility....not today, but on the day there's a leap year every 5 years or blue moon every month, when Halloween happens in spring or New Years Day starts on the 31st! At any rate, Takasugi must die, and Bansai has to go before him. Don't waste any tears for them, if you wanna resurrect them after the performance, it's easy as flicking a switch "on" and "off". Yes, you, young person over there, did you say something? NANI?! You want me to design a female slut!Taka-kun toy? No way...oh no no no. Oh my goodness, no. What? You'll commit seppuku right here, right now, if I don't help you? Pah! You seriously need medical help my son. Get a life, you damned otaku! All right, all right, I have an idea, why don't you first make sure your health insurance has been paid up, then come by my booth at the AnimeExpo and I'll see what I can do.
As for our Cast of Characters, we have…
Representing the Shogunate in Kyoto…
Lord Shouyou: the second last Ashikaga shogun, portrayed as a weak ruler too obsessed by his scholarly pursuits and tea parties to pay any attention to ruling the country, thus leading his dynasty to its downfall. His inability to distinguish between loyal ministers or lying psycophants enabled allowed bad guy Takasugi to corner him into committing seppuku. Wtf is "Ashikaga" you ask? Why you! Kisama, you ignorant punk…that's the Shogunate that came before Tokugawa's Shogunate. Its collapse of authority led to the Sengoku Era, which is like the Bakumatsu, except on 1000000000x more Steroids.
Lord Katsura: younger brother of Shouyou, A.K.A. Nobleman of Madness. Mad as Hell at Takasugi for killing his own master and leads an army to subdue the (other) mental retard.
Next up, we have the Ministers…
Sakata Gintoki: a lazy but loyal senior minister of the shogun who lost his job when Takasugi killed his boss.
Takasugi Shinsuke: a scheming senior minister of the shogun who tempted his boss down corrupted paths in order to destroy him…kukuku.
Kawakami Bansai: one of Takasugi's retainers and a badass swordsman, although his shamisen playing just can't… make the cut. ( don't tell him)
Sakamoto Tatsuma: one of Gintoki's retainers; a happy and optimistic guy to say the least, AHAHAHA!
Elizabeth: a low-ranking samurai whose mother nursed Lord Katsura and him/her at the same time; making them "bosom" buddies and a him/her a diehard Ashikaga supporter. A brash and loyal figure who frequently appears in period plays. ( Although this time wearing a duck costume for unknown reasons; that is to say, for reasons best known to himself or herself. Or itself? Or both? He is not a homo sapiens, btw.)
Let the play begin! Dum dum dum….
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LORD KATSURA & TAKASUGI, THE SHOGUN-KILLER OF KYOTO
The Final Act, Final Scene
-- Late Summer, Sengoku Era, residence of Takasugi Shinsuke in Kyoto
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Shouyou did not see
Poison in his enemy's loyalty.
Heaven will punish negligence, that's just reality.
The scheming samurai Takasugi has finally shed his mask of flattery and revealed his true face. Riding on a wave of good fortune, he has completed his masterplan of five years and assassinated Shogun Shouyou. Taking command of the capital with his Kiheitai forces, he has built himself a formidable new headquarters high upon a hillside in the northeast of Kyoto. A high stone wall and moat protects it from the south, repulsing all who approach from Kyoto. An impenetrable pine forest forms a barrier to the north, blocking access from the direction of Iwakura Mountain and Roei Valley. The black pines and brambles grow so thickly that not even wild animals dare approach. From dusk to dawn, vigilant soldiers march up and down the high stone walls, patrolling conscientiously. Thus ensconced, Takasugi celebrates day and night, indulging in drunken revelry, entertained by his shamisen-loving henchman Bansai, free to abuse his will as he pleases!
Sometimes, though, the two treacherous villains get into an argument over music. At this moment, Takasugi is pressing his hands over his ears, complaining.
Takasugi: Stop it! Stop it right now. Damn it to hell, your shamisen playing sucks.
Bansai: May sessha humbly ask the reason why, degozaru?
Takasugi: Firstly your melody is weak, it's as unsatisfying as licking the water dribbling down a melted ice-cream cone or forcing yourself to chug down a warm vanilla milkshake. The beats are flaccid, it makes me fall asleep. And your rhythm lacks power. Can't you put your back into it?
Bansai: If you like harder instruments, then you shouldn't have betrayed master mechanic Gengai. Only he has the tools to tantalize the taut strings of your shamisen, tighten your knobs and tinker with your bachi.
Takasugi: Why do I feel this conversation is getting disgusting?
Bansai: Perhaps you're reading too much into it, my lord. May I suggest another round of dessert, degozaru? Would you like a splash of hot sake in your saucer, a stick of freshly roasted dango in your bowl, or can we go shake a tree until a peach falls down?
Takasugi: It would be better if you removed the froth from your tiramisu, fruitloops from your Cherrios and bananas from your Frosties. Your speech pattern is totally gay. Be careful you're not mistaken for a homo.
Bansai: What's wrong with being a homo? But I AM a homo in case you haven't noticed….a homo sapiens.
It is already late summer and new shogun Lord Katsura will not allow these dishonorable samurai to crack their disgusting jokes any longer. First of all, they are NOT homo sapiens, they are samurai puppets! Wait, Lord Zura's face is turning red. He has something strong to say, "Lord Zura ja nai, Lord Katsura da!" ( Gomendasai, my lord, I reply, bowing. ) This very night, he has led his loyal minister Gintoki, brave retainer Sakamoto and bosom brother Elizabeth through Iwakura Mountain, to the North walls of Takasugi's residence, intending to scale the walls, find their enemy and cut off his head. The three samurai can hardly restrain their impatience!
Behind them stand their army of supporters. From Edo, come the Shinsengumi; from Omi, Asai Nagamasa; from Iga, Sasuke Sarutobi; from Echigo, Uesugi Kenshin; from Kai, Takeda Shingen; from Owari, Oda's most trusted general, Hideyoshi; from Shinano, the Genji descended from Emperor Seiwa; from Musashi, the seven Heike clans descended from Emperor Kanmu. (Only Date Masamune, the one-eyed dragon of Oshuu is not included in my Sengoku Basara series, because I get reminded of my late son, Saburo. Yeah, I copied Saburo's design after his image, obvious, isn't it? And yes, no Tokugawa Ieyasu doll either. ) There they stand! The generals look magnificent sitting astride their warhorses, followed by their footsoldiers, colorful banners flapping in the wind and spears coldly glittering as far as the eye can see. The clamps of the trap close in!
Gintoki, Sakamoto and Elizabeth place ladders against the wall, climb onto the roof and stand up. Gintoki addresses their allies in a loud voice. "Dear friends and allies, thanks to your loyal support, we have managed to make it this far into enemy territory and remained undetected. Here we are at the final destination. Allow me to make a request. I know that many of you hate Takasugi with a vengeance, but I beg of you to let us three be the first to go in. Because if anyone of you were to kill him before we do, then we would lose this precious chance to avenge our master with our own hands, and cleanse our honor. Should we run into trouble, Sakamoto will fire a green flare into the sky; that will be our signal for you to attack in full force. Until then, please assemble at the foot of the mountain. Lord Katsura is already waiting at the front gate of the residence. You have all pledged your lives to support him, so now is the time to move into position!"
All the allies agree and continue on their march down the mountain, leaving the three loyal samurai crouching on the roof. Elizabeth is straining at the leash, he raises a placard, which says, "It's been a lot easier than we expected to get in here. I say we burst into his bedroom right now and take Takasugi's head." He jumps up but Gintoki pulls him back by his sheets, "No, don't be rash. Takasugi is cautious. He's surely posted heavy guard all over the place. If we attack and he gets alerted, he could sneak away, and I swear we'd never find him again! We should carefully survey the building and its grounds before choosing the best route. Whether attacking or retreating, the three of us should move as one. Stay close together, don't rush things!"
Just at this moment, they hear the clapper of a guard on patrol. "Click-clack, Click-clack, stay alert for intruders, stay alert!" The guard sings. Sakamoto grins, "This is divine intervention, AHAHAHAHA!" He jumps down from the roof and dispatches the guard with one swift blow. Picking up the faller clapper, he continues to sing out without missing a beat, "Stay alert for intruders, stay alert…AHAHAHAHA!" Elizabeth smacks him with his signboard. Silence descends and surrounds them like a thick blanket. For the moment, nothing stirs. All is quiet, all is still. Running through the shadows, they slip stealthily into the mansion!
Bansai senses that something has changed. He summons the Kiheitai to prepare for battle. "It's a night attack! The enemy is out there, concealed in the darkness. We can't see them but they can see us. That's not bad if we can lure them out and engage in combat. 200 of you follow me, 100 of you stay inside! Everyone light a lantern now and hang it from your waists. We'll march to the forest of black pines outside the residence and fight them there. Remember, no one is to break ranks. Don't be a hero. Stick together and we'll attack as a group!"
One by one lanterns blossom softly into life. Each man attaches a lantern to his belt. Holding their spears high, the Kiheitai divisions climb up the slope like a glowing river flowing upwards into the grove of black pines. Gintoki, Sakamoto and Elizabeth are already there, waiting with their blades unsheathed. The members of the Kiheitai yell out their names and attack, only to be instantly cut down, bright lanterns at their waists making them easy targets. Undeterred, another wave pushes furiously forwards, leaping ferociously like lions, striking viciously like tigers and tearing their fangs into the trio with all the techniques at their disposal. Cutting and striking, thrusting and slicing, they aim for the enemy's shoulders, neck and chest! Again and again the Kiheitai units dauntlessly press forwards but their sacrifice achieves nothing. Soon the field is scattered with dead bodies, lives vanished like dew or frost on grasses. But still the Kiheitai spearman cut and thrust, slice and parry, fighting bravely!!
Gintoki and the others fasten lanterns to their sides and continue to cut through enemy ranks. They close in on Takasugi!!
The groans of the Kiheitai troop dying under the pines drift to Takasugi's ears. He panics. "The front gate will soon be breached, while the rear guard is pushed closer and closer. How much longer can my forces protect me? What should I do, where should I go?" Ranting to himself, Takasugi runs out of his room into the yard, hoping to save his own skin, at least. Looking upwards, he sees his only prospect is the bushy black branches of the vast pine forest. So he flings his arms around the petrified trunk of a thousand year old pine tree and hauls himself up with great difficulty. His arms and legs shaking like jello, he scrabbles one feet up and slides two feet down before managing to cling onto a branch for dear life, praying he is high enough to be hidden in the darkness!
Gintoki, Sakamoto and Elizabeth take down 100s of the Kiheitei infantrymen but cannot locate either Bansai or Takasugi in their midst. They run through the corridor of the mansion, kicking down doors and walls. Suddenly, they see a flash of black leather, it is Bansai dashing out from one of the rooms. He tries to escape into the pine forest, but Gintoki catches up with him. Turning, Bansai, whips out his weapon gracefully and prepares to confront Gintoki in a deadly duel. "I've always wanted to test my skills against yours, Gintoki!" he announces. Gintoki is more than happy to oblige. "I'll deal with him, the two of you continue searching for Takasugi!" he shouts. His two companions nod and throw themselves back into the fray, fighting with greater ferocity!!
Bansai runs a few steps forward, raises his blade and slashes it diagonally across Gintoki's shoulder. Gintoki parries, the bone-shattering force making his wrist go numb and teeth chatter, but his strength his greater than Bansai's. Stepping nimbly aside, he manages to strike Bansai's legs, leaving a deep scar across the thigh. At the same time, he hears a blade whiz past his ears and his kimono open a shallow gash across the arm. Bansai falters, stumbling slightly and Gintoki cuts laterally across his neck with one swift stroke. "Sakata Gintoki has taken the head of Bansai Kawakami!"
At his cry, Lord Katsura comes running into pine grove, together with Elizabeth and Sakamoto, followed by allied generals from all across Japan. They light up a great lantern and wave it aloft in victory. But where is their hated enemy, Takasugi Shinsuke? Lord Katsura shouts in frustration. "We have smashed the enemy forces and achieved victory. We have captured Bansai and combed every room of the mansion, but where is Takasugi? He is nowhere to be found. Has he grown wings and flown away? Has he dug a tunnel and slipped outside? If we don't capture him tonight, I doubt we'd ever get a second chance! We'll never find him again. How can this happen? Haven't we been honorable enough? Haven't we tried hard enough? Ugh, Heaven help me, I'm as mad as hell!" Right then the cold, stern façade of the Nobleman of Madness crumbles and he sheds big red tears of angry frustration. Gintoki is at a loss to comfort his lord. Sakamoto looks pained but resigned and every single person feels driven to the edge of despair!
Elizabeth refuses to believe that Takasugi could have slipped away. He hops on a stone and glares furiously about. A night wind blows through the forest, sweeps across the tips of the branches and sends a handful of pine needles scattering to the ground. "Ah, the pine trees!" reads Elizabeth's signboard. "We've looked everywhere in the mansion but not in the pine trees. He's probably up there, climbing from branch to branch in order to escape! Let's shake all the trees to dislodge the villain! Uproot every tree to bring him down. No! That's too slow, let's set a fire and smoke him out!"
The idea spreads quickly among the men, who call for fire and kindling. Takasugi's stomach sinks like a stone. He knows he can't remain where he is and desperately tries to escape by jumping from branch to branch. If he makes it to the edge of the forest, he can certainly outrun his pursuers. He has an arrangement made with the Sea Pirates Harusame, they'll ferry him out of the country to where his enemies will never find him. But his scabbard suddenly catches on a branch and the blade drops to earth with a thud!
"Someone's up there! Hiding in the branches!" Elizabeth signals, peering into the darkness, but he cannot see anything. "Bring a lantern over here." First the ancient bark of the thousand year old pine is illuminated, then thick bushy branches appear into view, layer by layer. They suddenly see the fluttering robes of a purple figure. Without missing a beat, Elizabeth's placard whizzes through the air. It smacks into the figure like how a fly swat hits a fly, stunning him. Heaven's punishment for killing your own Lord! Takasugi sways back and forth on the branch for a moment, but he doesn't fall right away. In a movement too grotesque for words, he has committed suicide by plunging the wooden stake into his heart. He falls to earth and lands in a broken heap at Lord Katsura's feet, who with one swift stroke, immediately severs his head from his body…
Lord Katsura: Victory is ours, this is your victory. We have cleansed our honor by avenging the death of our lord. The Ashikaga Shogunate has survived another turbulent storm and restored its rule over the nation of many islands. Celebrate the long-lasting peace of our reign!
THE END
Story by Chikamatsu. Puppets by Gengai Hirata. Beware of buying pirated samurai puppets, get them directly from my store. Pre-order the beautiful female Zurako-chan figure, NOW!
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Original Source: Act 5, Scene 1 of Lover's Pond at Settsu Province by Chikamatsu Monzaemon, 1721. Translated into English by Andrew Gerstle.