Disclaimer: I own none of these characters or lyrics.
One Shot: Girls (based on the song Girls, by the Beastie Boys)
"What's going on with Padfoot?" Remus asks no one in particular with his eyebrows scrunched.
"Dunno," James responds waving a hand in front of Sirius's unresponsive face.
Remus then throws a piece of food into Sirius's ajar mouth to try and get his attention.
"Oi, Are we going to have to force feed you Padfoot?" he added after successfully hitting his target. Sirius still did not respond, but chewed and swallowed the wad of bread that had just landed on his tongue.
Peter followed Sirius's gaze and saw that he was starring at a pretty 6th year Ravenclaw eating a yogurt a bit too slowly.
"Ah," Peter observes, "My friends, what is the one thing Sirius loves more than food?"
Remus and James look at each other then back at Peter, "Girls," they responded dully in unison.
Then James had a stroke of brilliancy "Wow, Check out Lily's rack," he said excitedly, and Sirius snapped out of his daze and directed his attention further down the table to Lily.
The guys all laughed, "Is that what it takes to get your attention Sirius? Don't you think you should eat something?"
Sirius looked down at his plate that had been filled with food by his friends, "Nope, it's poisoned, been slipped love potions." The other guys raised their eyebrows at this. "And God knows I don't need to be distracted anymore than I already am" he finished pushing his plate away with a look of disgust.
"They are controlling your life mate," James observed.
"Your one to talk," Peter added, and James blushed and quick glanced at Lily.
"I know, I know," Sirius started to everyone's surprise, "I mean I watch them all damn day, mesmerized by their every move. Until night comes and I get a chance to get them into my bed, and still be mesmerized by them all night, then send them off in the morning. Its like a routine now." he finished directing his attention to the Ravenclaw table again.
Girls, all I really want is girls
And in the morning it's girls
Cause in the evening its girlsThe boys all made their way out of the great hall following a clump of Slytherin girls. They all watched very interested in a particular one's bottom.
"You know, I think they all must get some private lessons that we don't know about. How to Make a Guy Drool Just By Walking 101." Peter said still watching the girl in front of them sway like a Veela.
"Ya, I bet your right Wormtail, and I bet McGonagall teaches it." Remus responded sarcastically. Everyone laughed and Peter blushed.
Ten minutes into Ancient Ruins, James was finally getting out of the clutches of a particularly dumb, but pretty friend of Lily's, Kendall.
"Finally, she bloody suffocates you if you get to close, she doesn't shut up," James snapped when he redirected his attention back to his mates.
They all sniggered at him, as they had watched James' attempts to get away but decided not to give him a hand.
"Your all a bunch of prats by the way," he added.
"You know Prongs, I don't even mind talking to girls, I mean you get to be close to them, they laugh at every damn thing you say, and they always want more, and leave ya can leave 'em smiling."
Remus starred at Sirius wide eyed, "Padfoot, I think you just took a step closer to becoming a girl yourself mate! Plus girls only laugh at everything you say."
I like the way that they talk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And i can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile
"So, I as I was saying," Remus began, skipping a rather large rock into the great lake. "I have a date with that Hufflepuff fifth year, Taylor Westerberg, and I was wonder-"
"PADFOOT! Are you listening," Remus shouted at Sirius mid-sentence.
Sirius and James were currently overly excited by the clump of girls that decided to cool off in the lake and were paying absolutely no attention to their two other friends.
"Dude, James, they think we can't see them!" Sirius observed as the girls were stripping down to their skivvies by a near by tree.
"What do you say we practice our scuba skills mate?" James said grinning. But his grin faltered when he realized Sirius didn't understand his joke.
"Never mind just find two rocks we can transfigure into goggles."
"Aye Aye," Sirius responded, saluting his best friend.
"PRONGS!" Remus tried again.
"Got 'em James, will these work?" Sirius grinned holding up two large rocks that coincidently Remus had been skipping in their direction to get their attention.
Peter looked at Remus sympathetically and Remus just blew air up ruffling the front of his hair. Then he bent down and picked up another two rocks, and chucked them at his friends hitting James on his right peck and Sirius in the shoulder.
"Oi, Moony, What gives?" James asked outraged.
"You weren't listening, I have a date with Taylor Westerberg." Remus shouted at them.
James and Sirius exchanged scared looks then both dived into the water and breast stroked their way over to Remus and tackled him.
It happened so suddenly that Remus was fully dunked into the shallow water.
"What is the problem?" He asked spitting out water and shaking water out of his hair.
"Don't do it Moony, she's bad news!
"Ya, cancel it mate, its for your own good," James added.
Remus looked over to Peter as the approached the dock he was on, but Peter merely shrugged.
"Don't you remember? Me and James both had a go with her!" Sirius said raising his arms in the air. As if anyone could be expected to remember everyone he has had a go at.
"Ya, I was with her, but she kept getting all pissy at me because I would accidentally call her Lily so,"
"I took her off his hands," Sirius finished for James.
"I was pretty excited about it too," he continued, "her skirts were always like 3 inches shorter than the other girls, and I had heard rumors of her wicked lap dances."
"Ya, from me, and believe me they were good." James said grinning reminiscing about his lap dances.
"So what's the problem then?" Remus asked confused, "This all sounds good to me."
"Well first of all I never got a bloody lap dance." James grinned at this feeling mighty special.
"We would just sneak out and fool around a lot, I mean she never said no, ever. I liked the pattern that we had going, so I figured I would ask her out,"
Back in the day
There was this girl around the way
She liked my home-piece MCA
He said he would not give her play
I asked him, "please?" he said, "You may."
Her pants were tight and that's ok
If she would dance I would DJ
We took a walk down to the bay"And she said NO!" James shouted.
"Exactly," Sirius added, "She said no to the guy she had been seeing for weeks."
"Wow, she must be gay," Peter observed. "Is that the only time a girl has said no to you Padfoot?"
"Sure is Pete, and yes I believe she is indeed gay, so I am sorry to say you are wasting your time Moony." Sirius finished wisely with James nodding behind him.
"You guys are all losing it," Remus said shaking her head. "She came onto me. Why would she come onto me if she liked girls?"
Sirius and James exchanged mischievous grins, "Because old friend, your like the mom of our posse, maybe she could sense it."
Remus just starred at them for a second then looked down, "I really set myself up for that one didn't I?" The other mauderers just smiled and nodded at him.
"I actually thought she moved away, haven't seen or heard of her for about two years now," James added in.
"Ya now that I think about it, where the hell has she been?" Sirius asked agreeing.
"I don't know, she just disappears for two years then shows up macking on our boy Remus here," James replied.
Sirius and James were giving Remus very hard looks as if to dare him to continue with the date.
Remus finally let out a huge sigh, "Fine then you guys are responsible for finding me a date for this weekend." The end of his sentence was drown out by whoops and cheers by the other boys.
"Alright so where did you put those rocks Padfoot, we have to find Moony a date and I know just where to look," James said waggling his eyebrows towards the girls splashing each other by the large oak tree.
I hope she'll say, "Hey me and you should hit the hay!"
I asked her out she said, "No way!"
I should have probably guessed her gay
So I broke north with no delay
I heard she moved read far away
That was two years ago this May
I seen her just the other day
Jockin' Mike D. to my dismay
Later in the common room the boys sat around the fire joined my none other than Lily.
James had been zoned out for the past ten minutes, since about the time Lily sat down during Sirius's story of what happened today out at the lake.
"Wait, so you managed to get the girls to each go out with each of you guys?" Lily asked shocked with a bit of disappointment in her voice.
Sirius gave her an odd look as if it was obvious he wouldn't have any trouble.
Lily sighed and patted Sirius on the back, "You are forever going to be a bachelor aren't you?"
Sirius scrunched his face up then jumped up, "Hell no, I will always have a woman around, always, and she will bear my children and be a stay at home mom, while me and Jamsie go out and have fun all day."
Lily looked at him offended even though she knew she would never bear any of Sirius's children, she had sympathy for the future mother of the little Padfoots.
"And she will do the dishes, clean the bedroom and the bathroom, and do laundry, you know women stuff. I will not have a house elf running around my home." Sirius added making ticks with his fingers as he listed things off.
Girls - To do the dishes
Girls - to clean up my room
Girls- to do the laundry
Girls- and in the bathroom
At this Lily stood up completely outraged at his comment about "women stuff" and stomped away much to James' disappointment.
"Because really I don't want a house elf, I just want girls." Sirius added not even noticing Lily stomping up the stairs to her dormitory.
Girls, all I really want is girls
"PADFOOT," James yelled.
"What?"
"You chased Evans away!" he added equally as angry as when he yelled his name.
"Oh…" Sirius responded thinking. "Don't you already have a date for this weekend mate?"
"Well ya," James started, but Sirius interrupted.
"Two at a time then eh Prongsie?" Sirius said clapping James on the back.
"Wouldn't mind two at a time myself, at least once in my lifetime, you know." He added leaning back.
Two at a time I want girls
"No, that's not what I meant, I would ditch what's her face for Lily, you arse." James said shaking his head at his friend.
"Did red's hair look different to you guys, she looked good," Sirius added not even noticing James getting mad.
With new wave hairdos I want girls
"I mean really, she just makes me want to whip out my--" Sirius started casually.
"Padfoot!" James had pounced onto Sirius and they were rolling around playfully.
Remus and Peter exchanged grins, " So, what was the only thing Sirius loved more than food again?" Remus asked chuckling, "I forgot."
I ought to whip out my girls, girls, girls, girls, girls!