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Lost In Sadness

Morgan's heart jumped out of his chest. This wasn't happening. No. No, no, no. It couldn't happen. It was too fast. Too much. How...? Nothing was processing for him. His mind was an endless loop, every thought coming back to the original shock and questioning.

"What?" He almost shouted in his phone, earning strange looks from the other bullpen workers. But he didn't care.

"Reid was admitted to the hospital this morning after his neighbour found him unconscious in his apartment." Hotch said on the other end of the line, frustratingly calm. Why was he always so unaffected? Why?

Derek's mind was racing with fear. What had happened? This couldn't be happening... Not after... Not after the incident. He still couldn't say her name, let alone think it. It was too hard, the pain that would surely arise was too much to handle. Reid was... the last bit of sanity he had left.

This was all too much, far too fast. Why them? Why her? Why Reid?

"What happened?" He finally stuttered into the phone, noticing Garcia rushing over to him from her office door, no doubt noticing the agonizing fear gripping him tight.

Hotch sighed slowly. "He overdosed on Dilaudid."

That hit Derek like a ton of bricks. No. Not Reid. He had a drug problem? Since when? How had he missed that? How had he not noticed his best friend slipping into something so dangerous? Was his grief so much that he'd lost his caring for others? Dilaudid. How...why...? They'd always suspected something but that was... that was years ago. Years. Actually it was Em-... her, who noticed and suggested it to him and JJ. Another wave of pain hit him. Too many were leaving. They all left. Reid couldn't do that to him.

"Which hospital?" He asked urgently into the mouthpiece, watching as Penelope mouthed 'Hospital?' to him anxiously and tears immediately began to brim her carefully mascara coated lashes.

"Potomac. But he's not supposed to have visitors..." Hotch was saying, but Morgan was already speed walking down the hall, Garcia running after him hastily. Without a second thought, he snapped his cell shut and jammed the elevator button with his shaky index finger.

How could this even be happening? He was purely running on autopilot by now. Garcia had caught up and had a firm grip on his arm.

"Who?" She asked in a whisper, and he wondered whether or not he should tell her. He knew everything about his best friend, and she was fragile. Even more so after... after it. But then he had to tell her, because if she had to find out from someone else, she'd never speak to him again.

"...Reid." He said and watched as her face contorted in pain and confusion. She was mumbling under her breath, something that sounded like 'No', repeatedly and each was more and more frantic. For a second he wondered if he'd made a huge mistake, but he had no time for regrets.

The elevator binged and the doors slid open, and he hesitantly left her where she was in order to step into the elevator car. He leant against the rail and the metallic doors began to slide closed but Garcia stepped forwards and shoved them back open determinedly, moving to stand beside him.

"I'm coming with you." She told him firmly, tears already trailing down her cheeks. Her mascara stained her fair skin as she pushed the floor button. He stared into her brimming brown eyes, wondering what to say. Thoughts of Reid were pushing into his mind, and he fought to keep them out.

"Baby girl, you have a job you need to do." He said slowly, but inside he wished she could stay with him and not move from his side. Reid was invading his mind- memories were flashing by, stinging his emotions and filling his gut with worry.

The look she shot him was dangerously fierce, something he rarely ever saw in her usually cheerful and amused features. In fact she usually oozed out happiness, but at that second, anger and fear was radiating from her every movement.

"Do I look like I give a damn about my job right now Derek?" She said loudly, annunciating every syllable.

And he couldn't argue with her.

XXX

3 hours earlier.

He couldn't make his eyes move. They remained stuck on the clear little bottle, something he had learned to hate and even fear. It had been collecting dust in his cabinet for years, him somehow unable to dispose of it. That would make it too real. Dilaudid. He couldn't say the word out loud for some reason. It was strange for someone like him, so rational and smart, to be so weak sometimes. But he was. He had spent years avoiding even a glance at the clear liquid. But now...

He wasn't sure how he got here. Sitting on his bathroom floor, legs crossed and hand shaky. That scared him. What had brought him to this place? Not in the literal sense of course. More like what had made him think about that damn little bottle again?

He was starting to get frightened. Now he couldn't remember things? He had an eidetic memory and he couldn't recall how he had wound up here. What was wrong with him? The excruciating pain of his headaches was bad enough, he didn't need more confusion and despair.

Truth be told, he could take a guess. Her. She had haunted his mind since the funeral, always there, always poking at him. The grief still hadn't passed. Every night he would cry, something very unlike the Dr. Reid everyone knew. But he missed her so, so much. He missed her beautiful smile, her love science and her job, her eagerness and determination. He missed everything about her. She was so tough. So caring. So why her? Why did Emi-, no, why did she have to die?

Just having that errant thought run through his mind brought the salty water brimming to his eyes. The familiar lump filled his throat and the annoying sting bit at his nose. He struggled to breathe as he remembered her. Everything about her, as he did often. Maybe too often.

The way she never had enough Splenda in her coffee. The way she hadn't given up on him, even when he didn't accept her. How she always had some witty comment to add into the conversation, no matter what the topic seemed to be. When she managed to beat him at cards, the smile and twinkle in her eyes was enough to make him laugh. Sure, he might have purposefully let her win, but she actually believed she'd beat the resident genius. It was times like that, that made him want to smile, even when he hadn't been able to since... the incident. But then he remembered she was gone. Gone and never coming back. And so he would cry himself to sleep, unable to calm himself, smooth his hitched breathing or dam his waterfall of tears.

She had been his friend. His family. Actually, she'd been more like his sister. Maybe more, but he hadn't determined what exactly. And now he'd never have the chance. Because she was gone. And he hadn't gotten he chance to say goodbye. The last conversation they'd ever have would be about surveillance cameras. He wished he could have been there instead of Derek. He wished he could have at least seen her one last time. Held her hand and told her what she meant to him. Because in truth, she was a part of him. And without her here now, he didn't function. He wished the roles were reversed and he had died that night, and she was okay. But really, all he wished was that he could have said goodbye. That was all he wanted. That would have been enough.

That last thought pushed him over the edge and he took the bottle into his hands, watching the microscopic dust particles float effortlessly through the air. The feeling of the smooth glass in his fingers sent electricity through his veins, more of a feeling than he'd experienced in weeks. It was something he'd forbidden so long ago, such a rigid rule he was not to break. And yet having those walls fall before him was almost as addictive as the liquid twirling within the container, taunting him, calling out to him like a child would to their mother. Like he would have called to his own mother. Another pang of hurt rocked his body as he remembered the last trip he's taken on the Dilaudid, and all the memories of her that had surfaced those years ago.

A sob racked his body suddenly as the pain and hurt enveloped him. Everybody was gone. First his dad, then he selfishly sent his own mother away. And Elle and then Gideon left without a word. Then his rock and very best friend JJ was pulled from his grasps. And now... now her. He refused to even think her name. Her beautiful name. In fact, every time he heard a word even similar, his eyes stung with the promise of more pain. Any time he saw someone with the same hair, a similar blouse, even someone who had those delicately placed eyelashes, his stomach twisted into knots of grief. He wouldn't be able to untangle them for hours, sometimes days.

She had been so much to him. More than he could have imagined, if he hadn't experienced it already. She was always there for him. Always. She knew nearly everything about him including his almost scream inducing headaches. And now she was gone, and so was that secret. She said she would never tell. And now she couldn't. It had been a relief having someone know. Someone he could call if he couldn't see for the pain, couldn't breathe properly in the agony. But now he couldn't. Because she wasn't there anymore, and so he had to do this on his own. All on his own. He was alone.

He unscrewed the metal cap with trembling fingers. What was he doing? He couldn't do this... but then there was her. He wanted with all his heart just to see her again. To see her smile... to see her laugh and wink at him. And using the clear, swirling drug could do that...

The cap almost fell onto the ground as it reached the top, but flew downwards onto his leg. He was suddenly, acutely focused on that bottle. What was in that little bottle was so horrific that he almost thought about putting it back on the shelf and walking out. But he was too far now. He could smell the bittersweet edge of the Dilaudid, something that was far too familiar for his liking, yet so distant that smelling it again was almost painful. He could see it swishing slightly against the glass edges, and he stared for a few minutes.

Unfortunately, a few minutes was all it took for more memories of her, to float across his mind. Her warm hand clutching his after the Cyrus case. Her incredibly tight hug after he'd almost been blown up. Her handing him his coffee every morning, just as he liked it. He would never have that happen again. He now had to get his own coffee, no perfect ratio of whatever she put into it, no smile from her face, no her. He purposefully got his morning cup from a shop, rather than the office pot, in order to avoid the agonizing thoughts.

By now his eyes had moved to the needle laying on the wooden floor of the cupboard under the sink. The sharp pin like metal was pointed towards him, almost like a taunt. The little numbers seemed to swim into the air, until he realized that was due to his now fully flowing tears. That needle had been his best friend a few years ago. It was there for him after every tough case, every time he cried and every time he needed relief. Relief from the horrors he saw on the job, the voices that haunted his brain, and the ones he couldn't save, that ate away at him day after day.

They still ate away at him. Everything ate away at him. His past, his losses, his failures, his weaknesses, his headaches and her. It all came back to her.

Everything was empty and dark, cold and sad. Nothing had any aspect of life anymore. It was all dark. And sad. So sad.

And so he grabbed the needle.

So? I HAD TO, I'M SORRY. :D Review? PLEASE.