Dedicated to Tris PhantomEvans.
AN: It's finally finished! It took me way longer than I expected it would, so sorry for the long wait! As I said before, this is a request fic from Tris PhantomEvans, for being smart and figuring out a plot-point of Illusionist. (For those who follow or just plain read Illusionist, I'm in a bit of a emotional slump so either wait a bit or motivate me into writing.) But, back to this thing... Ah, I'm so nervous! I tried to make it as funny as possible. I hope you all like it!
As always, I don't own Pandora Hearts.
Of muskets, rabbits and fish
„Shit! Shit! Shit!"
You know how, usually, whenever you decided to have a nice, relaxing day – everything goes to hell. Every time. Yeah, I'm having one of those days.
„Elliot, don't curse!"
„Not really the time, Leo!"
It's all Oz's fault, really. I'm mean, what are the chances of being caught in the middle of a Chain attack in the Capital? I'll tell you: zero, zlich, nada. How the shrimp and his little posse managed to get us all in this situation is beyond me. But here we are. All because I wanted to be nice to the Shrimp for once. Damn that Vessalius brat.
The day had started off normally enough.
I and Leo decided to go to the town market for reasons I'm too embarrassed to admit. On the way there, we met my idiot adopted brother – well, „meet" isn't really correct, because the twenty-five-year-old ran past us like the hounds of hell were chasing him (or a kitten). Which led to me and Leo following him, which led to the two of us meeting up with Oz and Alice. The four of us had then split up to search for my idiot of a brother – knowing Gil, I'd probably find him up a tree or in an equally unorthodox place. This search somehow led to Oz attracting the attention of a Chain prowling around the area. Thankfully, the rest of us hadn't wandered far and we'd all come to his aid. Okay, we're all running for our lives now, but that's beside the point.
Gil had appeared a few minutes earlier, drawn here by his „Oz-magnet" or whatever. My brother was creepy like that.
Now the docks, thankfully empty as there was a festival in town and no one was working, had become a battlefield. Gil, Alice and Oz were all separated from one another, so Alice couldn't transform into B-Rabbit. On top of that, the Chain itself was far too fast for even Gil to shot down. As for me, I was ashamed to say I couldn't poke it with my sword even if I tried.
„Move!" Leo shouted and pushed me behind one of the many crates littering the docks. The dragon-fly-like Chain zipped past us a second later, chomping it's giant crab-like things on it's head. Death by an insect bite, yeah, a wonderful way to die, right?
The hum of giant wings beating against each other rang clear in the air as the Chain circled above us, ready to dive for our safe-place at any moment. I was still out of breath, but pushed my body – as well as Leo – forward and broke into a sprint. Not a second too soon either, as the crates we'd taken shelter behind exploded into a whirlwind of broken wooden planks and nails.
„Elliot! Over here!" my stupid half-brother called from where he stood behind more crates, near the waters edge. There, at least, there were too many boxes – a small hill, really – to topple. The two of us hurried over to my adopted sibling.
„You both okay?" hissed Gil, golden eyes flashing in something akin to protectiveness, but his expression remained deadly serious. „This isn't good. I don't have many bullets left. I can't get to Oz and Alice is as good as useless. I can't even use Raven, we're too spread out."
I nod „Then let's make every shot count!"
„You mean one of use will have to play bait?" Leo, as always, was the more cynical and morbid of the two of us.
„Unfortunately." You're not helping, Gil.
But it was too late, since Leo was already climbing up a crate, on top of which he'd be an easy target for the Chain. Not on my watch.
„Leo! Get down here, now!" I grab his leg, tug it down with all my might „That's an order, you idiot servant!"
The hum of wings sounded in my ears as the Chain flew toward us. In the last second, I felt Gil's arms around my waist and have just enough to think how perverted the position must look like before we all topple backwards.
„Duck!" Oz's voice shouted from somewhere I couldn't see, and it's almost lost in the shifting of colors as me, my idiot servant and my idiot brother fall over the peer and roll when our backs hit the deck of a fisherman's ship and roll, roll, roll until we fall again, through the hole in the middle, right into the inner chamber where the fishermen keep the day's catch from their fishing-nets.
The world goes black for a moment.
I blink, suddenly staring up at the sky and the rusted crane obscuring it. The next thing I notice is that I'm swished between two bodies – with Gil beneath me and Leo on top – and squirm uncomfortably as something sticky and wet touches my left cheek.
Belatedly – finally – I realize that we're all covered in fish. Fish that still alive and kicking, mind you. They flop uselessly around us and we're all but submerged in them as though they were quick-sand.
Only the lack of air in my lungs keeps me from screaming like a girl.
Instead, with the adrenaline still pumping through my system and the near-death experience, all that comes to mind is: „Fuck! That was close!"
„Elliot..." Leo groaned. Even beaten, bruised and buried in fish – and a freaking salmon stuck in his hair – Leo has the courtesy to reprimand me.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Guns shots rang out from above. We all jumped – or bumped against each other – and scrambled up. What the hell? Gil was right here, who could be shooting up there? Fuck, Oz and that weirdo rabbit girl were still up there.
It took us about a minute to reach the top of the hill of fish – it felt like much longer, and not just because we sank into fish guts with every step we took – where Gil grabbed one of the ropes hanging from the crane above us and began to climb. Leo went next.
I went last, and trust me when I tell you that the fresh air was the best thing I'd ever felt – at least after the slimy whole I'd just crawled out of. Strangely, Gil and Leo stood rigid on the deck.
I was just about to snap at them, when I finally caught what had made them freeze in the first place: Oz.
Oz – stupid, bumbling, manically depressed, overly friendly shrimp – was holding a musket. Hell, I don't know how he even did that much, the thing was twice the width of his arm! But hold it he did, and fire it, and shoot at the Chain like some kind of trigger-happy maniac.
„Oi! Over here you stupid bug!" He sing-songed and all I could think was „Fuck, he sounds like Vincent. We're dead."
BANG!
The musket went off, and I almost let go of the rope from the shock because – Oz was firing a fucking musket! What. The. Hell?!
I was so stunned I didn't even notice the Chain hovering above our heads until it dived for me. Desperately, I let go and latched onto the edge of the deck and dangled for dear life over the bottomless pit of fish.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
I could hear the bullets zooming over me. I could just barely hear Oz voice yelling „Gil, Elliot, get down!" over the fray and screeching of the Chain, which he'd actually managed to hit...
BANG! BANG! BANG!
...but you'd have to be deaf not to hear that... even if you couldn't believe what you were hearing.
BANG!
I saw the Chain go down, dropping like a fallen kite into the water with a resonating blurp!
This had to be some bizarre dream. Someone, please pinch me and end this nightmare – because Oz plus firearms pretty much means the world is going to end any day now.
„Well Elliot," Leo's voice suddenly cut through my disjoint thoughts „turns out Master Oz isn't as useless in a fight as you had thought. I think you owe him an apology."
My jaw dropped, Leo laughed. Gil looked back over his shoulder at the sound, looks at me and dropped in a dead faint. Alice chose that second to appear with a box of popcorn.
Someone please tell me what's happening here.
My answer arrives in the form of a blond Vessalius shrimp – asking „Everyone okay?" – and that's the final drop.
„Oh, shut your trap and help me out of this will you!" I snap.
From there on, it took us five agonizing minutes for Leo and Oz to pull me up onto the deck, about ten for Leo to rouse Gil and twenty to chase Gil half-way across town, along with every cat that chased after him as well as us. Apparently, we smelled good to them. As for me, if I never eat fish again, it'll be too soon.
Half an hour of my life wasted on utter stupidity.
Finally, thirty minutes later, we finally caught up to Gil – and tied him up, to prevent another marathon. I dread to think of what my subjects must think of me now that they saw me running around town like an idiot while reeking of fish. It didn't help at all that Alice climbed atop my shoulders, without my permission, and sat there so as to be able to look over the crowds. Apparently, there was nothing undignified about this to her. Oz, on the other hand, went as red as a tomato.
However, everything was over and we could all breath a sigh of relief.
Now, since I've dealt with one idiot...
„Oi, Shrimp, where did you learn to shoot like that?"
„Yeah, idiot servant," Alice suddenly burst in „why didn't you tell me you were actually good at something?!"
Gil finally seemed to come to his senses, and yelled: „Stupid Rabbit! Don't insult my Master!"
„I'm his Master!" Alice countered hotly „Which makes you my servant as well, Seaweed Head!"
„Ha! As if!" Uh, they sounded like squabbling children. No wonder the Vessalius brat was suicidal, if I were forced to listen to this every hour of every day, I'd become homicidal.
Gil and Alice continued to argued, they looked so bizarre with Gil in his sweeping black coat and Alice in her red-and-white, while stomping their feet like five-year-olds having temper-tantrums.
„Shut up, Seaweed Head!" Alice cried „You reek of fish, so you're opinion doesn't matter!"
„What does that have to do with anything?!" Gil shouted.
I could feel the vein pulsating on my forehead. „Who cares!" I screeched „I just want to know how this midget managed to become a trigger-happy maniac without any of us noticing!"
This prompted them to stop arguing, finally.
„Um, well," ... and sweet Abyss, did Oz actually look shy?
„Hey Gil, did you remember the story about the ghost in the pantry?" the blond asked suddenly.
„You mean that old ghost story where the cook shot himself in the pantry of the Mansion? The one that says that you can sometimes hear the sound of the gun going off?" he shivered „Yeah, I remember. I thought I heard it a couple of times. Scared me senseless." Honestly, what didn't? Gilbert was a real scary-cat. No pun intended.
Oz smiled. Oh, this can't be good.
„I made it up."
„You what?"
„Hehe, that was just a cover-up story." Oz had the decency to look sheepish „I actually discovered a secret passage leading to the old armory, which just so happened to be next to the pantry. Uncle Oscar used to keep all his fire-arms in there. I liked playing with them."
„You played with guns, without anyone's supervision?! How old were you?!" Gil exploded.
I might have laughed at his expression, if it wasn't for the fact my face was probably a mirror image of that protective fury.
„And you didn't think to bring this up, ever?" I demanded angrily.
Oz shrugged. „Gil never asked."
I felt like banging my head against a wall, or Oz's head – maybe it'd finally beat some sense into the Shrimp. Gil's jaw had dropped half-way to the floor. Alice looked confused. Leo, to his credit, only shook his head.
Oz fidgeted slightly under our gazes.
„Stop acting so shocked. We should really get going, don't you think?" And there he goes, changing the subject in his Oz-ish way. „Lady Sharon will be mad if we don't come back before sunset... and I don't want to think what she'll do if we don't bring the groceries she ordered us to collect."
There was a collective shudder from the three of them. Huh, are we talking about the same Sharon Reinsworth? The sweet, defenseless Sharon Reinsworth? How could she possibly be scary?
Gil shrugged, then scrunched up his nose „Uh, I really do smell like fish."
„Look on the bright side, Gil, you'll be attacked - uh, sorry, you'll attract that many more kittens!"
„Kittens?" Alice asked with a disappointed frown – you couldn't eat can't and besides, she was much cuter than any cat, Oz should know that bunnies were much cooler than plain old cats – while Gil had a look of absolute horror plastered over his face.
Elliot groaned „Leo, remind me again, how the hell did we get mixed up in all of this?"
„I believe it was because you wanted to buy Master Oz the complete Holy Kinght series for his birthday." my servant said matter-of-factly. Why haven't I fired him yet?
„Leo!" I growl.
He holds up his hands in mock surrender, but I can see his shoulders shaking with laughter. „What? It's true!"
„Oh, Elliot, that's so sweet!" Oz chimes gleefully.
In bury my head in my hands.
„Shut up, the both of you!"
Since it was late, we all decide to go to the Reinsworth Mansion together. It's much closer to the city than my home and, frankly, I'd rather die than let my father see me as I currently am. It's just past sundown when we arrive and Lady Sharon and her not-so-trusted, silver-haired servant are waiting for us in the front garden.
The fact that neither of them show any outward sign of shock or dying of laughter makes them all the more respectable. Though Lady Sharon didn't invite us to sit with her. Can't say I blame her.
"Hello, Lord Elliot, Leo," Sharon greeted us cordially "And welcome back everyone! How was your day?"
The silver-hair servant chuckles behind her "Yes, I'm quite eager to hear the story of how you got chased by a Chain, got chased by cats, got to play "let's save the world everybody" while covered in fish and made one spectacular gun show all in one measly afternoon!"
...and he's been spying on us the entire time. Wonderful.
Break grinned "Oz-kun, you do realize you were only supposed to get groceries, right?"
AN: So, how was it? I'm dying to know!