The Return of Procrustes
All rights go to Rick Riordan*
(This story takes place after the Last Olympian, so some spoilers may be found).
When I opened my eyes, I knew one thing.
I needed a shower.
Seriously, I stank. Tartarus needed bathrooms, stat. I sat up and groaned. Where was I?
Looking around, I realized I was where I had died: in my waterbed shop, in Los Angeles. It felt good to be home, but then I remembered why I had fought through dozens of monsters to reach the Doors of Death and make it back into the world.
Percy Jackson.
That little twerp had killed me. A son of Poseidon, which rubbed me the wrong way, considering the last time I had been killed... I shivered. I stood up, glaring at the bed where I had mistakenly laid down and Jackson had... I shivered again. I was still embarrassed for being tricked and killed by a mere demigod. The great Procrustes, the Stretcher, killed by a stupid son of the Sea God!
I flung open the door to my shop, consumed with rage. Percy Jackson would pay. I needed to release my anger out on some heroes, preferably Jackson. "I need transportation," I thought. I couldn't possibly get from LA to New York, where Percy Jackson and hundreds of other demigods dwell, in a short expanse of time. It was impossible. I kicked a piece of grass in frustration.
I was known for stretching people out to fit on my waterbeds. It's my specialty. But I doubted I'd be able to trick Jackson into sitting on a bed- assuming I could drag a waterbed from my shop to Camp Half-Blood. I would have to kill him with a sword. Walking back into my shop, I made a beeline for the junk drawers in the back. Sure enough, a bronze sword gleamed at the bottom; one of the many I had collected from my past victims.
I grabbed the sword and stepped out into the light.
The wind flew into my eyes, and I squinted. I had hijacked a car near the shop, and I was currently flying across the highway. Hopefully along the way I would find a more efficient mode of transportation. What did the modern-day mortals call them... airplanes?
"Hey!" A voice screamed. I jammed on the brakes- maybe it was a fellow monster willing to help on my quest!
I turned around to see a large man, with a pretty girl in tow. The guy was about 6 feet tall with a stubby beard, and the girl had long brown hair and a nose piercing. "Yes?" I asked, squinting. What were they? They had gotten some pretty impressive costumes; they looked extremely mortal.
The guy reeled back his fist and punched me in the nose. I fell forward, and some monster blood poured to the ground, which was bright green. "What the-" the dude exclaimed.
I glared at the guy, and for the millionth time in my immortal life I wished I could do something cool, like spit poison or something. But I was just Procrustes, and it didn't seem like there were any beds nearby.
"What was that for?" I said in a nasal voice.
The guy simmered with anger. "You stole my car!"
"Oh," I thought.
On instinct, I turned and ran. When I looked back, the girl was on her phone, typing in a three-digit number. "9-1-1," I recalled. "Crap."
Have you ever ridden a giant pig?
Not fun.
The sow was gigantic. It was like a boar, but female and could fly. Luckily, I spoke Sow, so I was able to convince it to take me to Long Island. Surprisingly, the sow had also been killed by Percy Jackson in the second Titan war. We agreed to team up.
As I rode above the U.S.A, I considered how I would destroy my foe. Percy Jackson was strong. He had the sea behind him being the son of the Sea God. Not to mention that awful dagger of Hercules, Anaklusmos.
I didn't understand how we hadn't been shot out of the sky yet. I've heard of this thing called the Mist, which obscures vision, but you'd think a giant squealing pig in the sky would draw some unwanted attention. Sighing, I turned the sword over in my hand. Like the sword of Percy Jackson, it too had a bad history. One that I refused to remember.
Son of Poseidon.
I shivered, trying to shake the memory.
The sow screeched. I covered my ears and looked down. We were above New York, near Long Island. I grew excited.
"How can I defeat a son of Poseidon?" I wondered. For a moment I considered turning back, but I shook the thought away. Percy Jackson killed me. I couldn't let him get away unscathed. Besides, a small part of me thought that I should avenge myself. Killing a son of Poseidon that killed me once before... it would be the ultimate recompense to myself.
I gulped, remembering the cold steel of the bed. The sneer on the face of the slayer of the bull-man as he raised the sword... the sword that I was currently holding...
Sighing, I looked down again to see a large area of land, fenced off with a glassy wall that seemed to go up into the sky for infinity. A large pine tree on the ground was the biggest thing, and I could make out a glimmering gold blanket draped on one of the branches.
Twelve cabins were spread out in a U formation, plus a bunch of other buildings. I immediately knew what this place was.
"Camp Half-Blood," I thought.
"Stop," I commanded the sow. It stopped.
"Lower," I instructed. It descended to the ground. I hopped off and said, "I'll call if I need help, okay?" in Sow Talk. She snorted.
Gripping my sword, I started towards the camp. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through, because of the glass-like fortress. But I needed to do something. I couldn't just give up. I needed to avenge myself for last time.
An image flashed through my mind; the son of Poseidon, with his cruel smile and shiny dagger which I managed to grab on my last breath and take with me to Tartarus.
A kid in an orange t-shirt walked by, brandishing a spear. I cleared my throat, and he looked over. "Who-"
"I'm a demigod!" I exclaimed, thinking fast.
His eyebrow shot up. "You're too old to be a demigod."
I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to let me in, or not?"
"How about no?" He said.
I leaned in close, wary of the glass force-field. "Listen kid, if you let me in, I'll give you twenty bucks."
He shook his head. "If I let a monster in, Mr. D might turn me into a bowl of grapes. No can do."
I sighed. This was failing. "C'mon! At least get me Percy Jackson!"
His eyebrow shot up again. "Percy Jackson?"
"Please. I need to talk to him."
The kid didn't look like he wanted to, but he nodded. "Yeah, sure. But let me tell you, you've got no chance against Percy."
Then he ran.
I slumped against the sow, feeling like a failure.
A minute later, a kid with blackish hair and sea-green eyes walked up to me. "Uh... who are you?"
I rose. Percy Jackson had changed since I last saw him, and suddenly my speech about ending his life seemed awkward and unnecessary.
"You... don't recognize me?" I said. I felt anger boil my blood.
Percy squinted, then gasped. "You're the water-bed guy!"
I gritted my teeth. "Yes."
Percy stuck his hand in his pocket, where I supposed Riptide was. I held my hands up. "Look, I don't want to fight you."
"Explains why you traveled from LA to Long Island. Now talk, before I send you back to the universe's toilet, Tartarus." I cringed.
My palms were sweaty. "Look, Percy... I came to fight you, I'll admit. I did it to avenge myself. You see, eons ago, I was kidnapped by one of your brothers, a son of the Sea God. He strapped me to his bed and killed me."
"Theseus," Percy said. I nodded.
"And then you come into my shop and kill me. The second time I'm killed by a son of Poseidon, and in the same way. It just rubbed me the wrong way, y'know?"
Percy nodded, slipping a shiny pen out of his pocket. I took a deep breath.
"Now that I'm here, I realize that I don't have a chance with you. You're too strong."
I wanted to punch myself. I was a monster. Monsters didn't let demigods go! They attacked, and won!
But after spending years wallowing in Tartarus, I knew this was right. I didn't want to go back, and even if I manged to kill Percy, Poseidon might get angry, and I could be sentenced to a lifetime of agony even worse than Tartarus.
"So I'll go," I concluded. I turned around and started back toward my sow.
"Crusty! Wait dude." Percy ran up to me. "I've never seen a monster just... quit like that. You're a lot smarter than most monsters, even if you do hold a grudge."
I smiled at the indication of my nickname, Crusty. "Thank you."
"So..." Percy hesitated, and I got the feeling he hadn't thought this through. "Maybe..."
I realized that what was happening was insane. A demigod and a monster, together, without killing each other. I resisted the urge to laugh.
His face lit up with inspiration, and he closed his eyes. "Dad..."
I sighed. It could've been a whole lot worse.
Percy had asked Poseidon to put a place for me up on Olympus, which I had immediately accepted. I was currently living in a cozy cabin near the gods' castle. A few nymphs lived across the street, plus a couple satyrs and cyclopes.
Life was good.
I could've attacked Percy Jackson. But instead I decided to think, which not many monsters do. And now I was living a safe, Tartarus-free life. Good thing too, since the mortals down in LA were still looking for the car thief that "disappeared into thin air."
Percy Jackson has caused so much misery. He's killed countless monsters, including me. He's broken the heart of Calypso, let Bianca di Angelo die, and he's made enemies with lots of gods and goddesses, including Ares and Athena.
But after he sent me up to Olympus, I decided to wish Percy luck, not hold a grudge. He was going to need it.