FADE IN
INT. LOFT, DINING ROOM TABLE - NIGHT
JESS, NICK, SCHMIDT, and WINSTON sit around the table, guys with beers, Jess with a glass of soda. Jess has a clipboard in hand and a pen.
JESS
Okay, let's do this. First, the shower.
WINSTON
Absolutely not.
SCHMIDT
Really? But I love the shower!
NICK
No way. Shower is off limits.
JESS
Yeah. Why don't we just make it the whole bathroom area?
WINSTON
Sounds good.
SCHMIDT
You guys! That's like, half my territory!
NICK
Okay, then the next time the toilet is plugged up with used condoms you're doing the plunging!
Everyone makes a face.
JESS
Ewww. Bathroom, off limits. And the laundry room as well?
NICK
Yup. Good idea.
WINSTON
There's no room in there anyway. Schmidt?
SCHMIDT
Fine! Ruin my life. Go ahead!
They ignore him as Jess makes two ticks on her clipboard.
JESS
Okay, next. The kitchen and dining area?
NICK
Definitely not.
WINSTON
We cook and eat here. No way.
Schmidt is silent. They all look at him.
SCHMIDT
All right!
Jess has ticked two more items off her list
WINSTON
I guess that just leaves the living room.
JESS
Living room...I don't know. At night, all alone with your significant other, watching a good movie, snuggling up, it could be romantic and...
NICK
Things happen.
SCHMIDT
No.
WINSTON
Never.
NICK AND JESS
Why not?
Schmidt points to Nick and Jess.
SCHMIDT
There will be no snuggling between you two on my sofa!
WINSTON
Snuggling is fine, just no going all the way. That's where we sit and relax.
NICK
Point taken. No living room. Jess?
JESS
If everyone is against it...there.
Jess ticks one more item.
WINSTON
What does that leave?
JESS
Just our bedrooms.
WINSTON
Fine with me.
NICK
I'm okay.
JESS
Me, too.
SCHMIDT
No! I have the smallest bedroom. And Jess and Nick, you now have two bedrooms to do it in. How is that fair?
WINSTON
He has a point.
NICK
And you two can sleep over at your woman's house any time you like!
JESS
Yeah! And have a whole apartment to do it in, any room you like!
SCHMIDT
True. Well, that sounds like my cue to go visit Elizabeth. This place just doesn't hold any danger for me anymore.
He stands and Winston does as well.
WINSTON
I'm outta here, too.
JESS
Where are you going?
WINSTON
Daisy is in town. Said she wants to talk about 'us'.
NICK
That doesn't sound good.
WINSTON
No, it's all good. She said her company is keeping her in LA more often. I think she's going to pop the boyfriend question.
JESS
Good luck.
Schmidt and Winston leave the loft. Jess and Nick look at each other and grin.
NICK
All alone. In a big loft. With no one around.
JESS
Oh, that sounds like an invitation. Where first, Mr. Miller?
Nick takes her hand and they stand. He picks her up by the waist and puts her on the table.
JESS
Oh!
NICK
Right here, Ms. Day!
They kiss and start to make out.
NICK
We are so dirty.
JESS
Shower second!
PLAY THEME SONG AND ROLL CREDITS
INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY
Jess and CECE sit in the waiting room. Cece is very worried.
CECE
I'm not ready for this.
JESS
You'll be fine. I'll be right here, holding your hand, brushing any tears away.
CECE
You know we sound like some lesbian couple in a Lifetime movie.
Sadie comes out of her office.
SADIE
Jess, Cece, come on back to the exam room.
INT. SADIE'S EXAM ROOM - DAY
Cece is on the exam table on her back, and Sadie is giving her an ultrasound exam. Jess stands nearby looking at the monitor. Sadie is still very pregnant. Jess looks at her belly.
JESS
When are you due?
SADIE
Less than one month.
JESS
Should you still be working?
Cece
Jess, she's a doctor, she knows what is good and bad for her.
SADIE
Not to worry, I'll be on maternity leave soon. Sorry I missed the wedding. My back was killing me.
CECE
My wedding was a bit of a disaster.
SADIE
I've heard the highlights. (beat) I remember you said that you and Shivrang were not having sex.
CECE
We decided to wait until we got married, which never happened so...
SADIE
So, when was the last time you did have sex?
JESS
(smiling)
Last night. It was great.
They both look at her oddly.
JESS
Oh...Cece.
Sadie smiles at Jess.
SADIE
Yes, I heard that you and Nick are an item now. Congratulations. If I were straight, I'd go for him, too.
JESS
(flustered)
Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're an item.
CECE
They love each other.
SADIE
(surprised)
Really?
JESS
(blushing)
Ah...yeah.
SADIE
Wow. That was fast.
JESS
Not really. Nick and I have an odd relationship. Most people date first before living together. We did the opposite. We've already lived together for almost two years. So we've got a lot of the hard things out of the way. You know, bathroom habits, eating styles, the big arguments. Lots of those. And then...then we fell for each other. I guess we are an item.
SADIE
I'd say so.
CECE
Moving on. It's been almost two months since I had sex. God, just saying that makes my life sound so boring.
Sadie is moving around the ultrasound device on Cece's belly.
SADIE
Okay...let's see...uh-huh. Yes...there we are, ladies.
Jess and Cece look closely at the monitor and see the very small image of a baby.
SADIE
Yes, you are definitely with child. I'd say at this stage about seven weeks of development.
CECE
(awed)
Oh, my God.
JESS
Wow. Little Cece and...and...
SADIE
And who?
Awkward silence.
SADIE
No? Okay, none of my business. But I am required to advise you that there are plenty of legal ramifications if you do not tell the father you are pregnant.
CECE
It's Schmidt. It's Schmidt's baby.
SADIE
Oh. I see.
CECE
And he loves another woman.
She starts to tear up.
JESS
Don't cry!
Jess holds her hand, strokes her hair.
CECE
(emotional)
What am I going to do? My family will never understand. And I'll lose my modeling career. I can't raise a baby by myself.
Jess looks at Sadie.
JESS
What are her options?
SADIE
Three. Have the baby and raise it. Have the baby and give it up for adoption. And...and...
CECE
And number three...have an abortion.
Sadie nods and Jess' face is more distraught than Cece's at hearing this.
SADIE
Whatever you decide, you have to tell Schmidt.
INT. ELIZABETH'S OFFICE - DAY
ELIZABETH stands over at a large table, and it looks like she is laying out the design of what looks like a magazine. Schmidt enters the open doorway, holding a paper bag.
SCHMIDT
I brought lunch.
She smiles at him and he enters.
ELIZABETH
Thanks, Big Guy. What is it?
Schmidt pulls out two small green salads in plastic containers. Her face falls.
ELIZABETH
This is lunch?
SCHMIDT
Yes. A nice crispy, healthy green salad. And I thought later after work we'd go to a health club. My company has a great deal at this...what?
She's giving him an angry look.
ELIZABETH
Schmidt...don't try to change me.
SCHMIDT
I'm not.
ELIZABETH
You are! I'm happy the way I am. And if you don't love me for what I am, then what does that say about our relationship?
SCHMIDT
I am happy with the way you are! I do love you! I just thought...I...
ELIZABETH
What? That I could stand to lose ten pounds?
Schmidt mumbles something and she can't hear him.
ELIZABETH
What?
SCHMIDT
Nothing, forget it.
ELIZABETH
(mad)
Tell me!
SCHMIDT
More.
ELIZABETH
More? You mean more than ten pounds?
SCHMIDT
Yes! But in fairness it's only like, twelve or...or fifteen pounds.
She points to the door.
ELIZABETH
OUT!
SCHMIDT
What? What about lunch?
She opens the salad package and dumps it all over his head.
ELIZABETH
Here's your lunch!
She rips open the plastic packet of dressing and squeezes it on top of his head.
ELIZABETH
Don't forget your dressing!
Schmidt just stands there and takes it.
INT. NICK'S BAR - DAY
It's quiet, daytime, with only a few customers, the regulars like Sid. Nick is polishing glasses when Schmidt enters and sits. His hair is damp as if he just washed it.
NICK
Been swimming?
SCHMIDT
Something like that. Beer me.
Nick opens a bottle of Heisler and hands it to him.
NICK
You've got a piece of lettuce in your hair.
He points to where it is and Schmidt pulls it out and throws it on the bar. Nick wipes it up.
NICK
Okay. It's after lunch and you're not at work and you've got lettuce in your hair. Tell me all about it.
SCHMIDT
I screwed up with Elizabeth.
NICK
Well, that didn't take long.
SCHMIDT
I just...I just want her to be healthy.
NICK
Let me guess. You asked her to lose weight?
SCHMIDT
Sort of.
NICK
You're still a douchebag.
SCHMIDT
I am. Do you have a jar around here?
Nick points to a large glass jar marked 'Tip Jar'. Schmidt pulls out a ten dollar bill and puts it into the jar.
NICK
This feels more like a twenty-dollar douchebag event.
SCHMIDT
Yeah, you're right.
Schmidt puts in another ten bucks.
INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY
Winston and DAISY are sitting there. Winston looks around at other women and couples and is clearly uncomfortable.
WINSTON
I still don't get why I have to be here.
DAISY
You want to be my boyfriend?
WINSTON
Yes, baby, I told you last night.
DAISY
Then this is what boyfriends do. They go with their girlfriend to see her doctor. And now that my company is keeping me here in LA more often, we're going to be having sex on a regular basis, so...
WINSTON
Yeah, I'm into that!
She gives him a grin.
DAISY
...so I want to go on the pill. No more condom adventures.
WINSTON
I can dig it. I...hey? Is that Jess and Cece? It is.
They see Cece and Jess leaving the exam room, talking to Sadie.
DAISY
Isn't she your roommate?
WINSTON
Yeah. But what are they doing here?
Daisy gives him a look like he's stupid.
DAISY
They're women. This is an OB/GYN clinic.
Cece and Jess start walking toward the reception desk and they see Winston, and both look very surprised.
JESS
(flustered)
Winston! What...oh, hi Daisy!
DAISY
Hi...Jess. And...?
JESS
This my friend, Cece. You guys met once at the loft.
CECE
Briefly. Hello.
DAISY
Hi. Winston told me about your wedding. Sorry.
Cece gives Winston a dirty look and he seems like he wants to crawl under the chair he is sitting on. She looks back to Daisy.
CECE
He did? And did he tell you about what he did at my wedding?
DAISY
Yeah, he came clean. Kind of hard to hide a badger bite scar.
WINSTON
In all fairness, I...
CECE
(interrupting)
No. You don't get to make any excuses for that.
Awkward silence. Winston looks like he wants to run away.
JESS
So, what brings you guys here? Family planning?
She seems embarrassed after saying that.
JESS
Sorry...none of my business.
DAISY
No, that's OK. That's why we are here. Thinking about going on the pill.
JESS
Oh, interesting. I tried it once, when I first started living with my ex, Spencer. Kind of a disaster.
FLASHBACK - INT. BATHROOM
Jess is bent over, brushing her teeth and then lifts her head up and looks in the mirror. Her face is all swollen and puffy.
JESS
AHHHHHHHHH!
INT. SADIE'S CLINIC, WAITING ROOM - DAY
JESS
But that doesn't happen to everyone.
Daisy looks worried. Sadie pops out of her office.
SADIE
Daisy?
They stand up.
JESS
Nice to see you again.
DAISY
Yes, you too. Bye.
CECE
Bye.
WINSTON
Yeah, nice...yeah. Bye.
Cece gives Winston a dirty look and he runs past her quick. Winston and Daisy start to walk to the office. Behind them the RECEPTIONIST is talking to Cece and Jess.
RECEPTIONIST
Here is your copy of the ultrasound. And the information on your pregnancy options.
Cece is not quite herself so Jess scoops it all up.
JESS
Thank you.
Winston has seen and heard all and is quite bug-eyed.
WINSTON
(quiet, to himself)
Damn! Jess is knocked up!
INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT
It's more crowded now. Schmidt is drunk at the bar, head lolling. Winston is sitting next to him, beer in hand, but he is very sober. He is freaking out, keeps looking to Nick, seems like he wants to talk, says nothing. Nick is making a cocktail for a nice looking BUSINESS LADY, a bit older, in a business type skirt suit. He puts the drink on the bar. She already looks tipsy.
BUSINESS LADY
What time do you get off?
Nick looks around, surprised.
NICK
(surprised)
Me? Ah...sorry. Already taken.
BUSINESS LADY
Too bad.
She picks up her drink and walks away.
NICK
(to Winston)
What is it about being a bartender? Women just fall all over you.
WINSTON
You have to quit.
NICK
What?
WINSTON
You have to quit...now. Get a real job. An important job. Get away from all these women. I know...go back to law school! Use your zombie money to pay for it.
SCHMIDT
If Nick quits how will we get free drinks?
WINSTON
Nick has more important things to think about!
NICK
What is wrong with you?
WINSTON
Nothing...I'm cool. I'm...ahhh!
Jess has appeared at his side.
JESS
Hey guys...
(to Winston)
What's wrong with you?
WINSTON
Nothing. I'm cool.
Jess smiles at Nick.
JESS
Hey.
NICK
(grins)
Hey. Good day?
JESS
A bit rough. Can I have a pink wine?
NICK
Coming right up, pretty lady. All ready and waiting for you.
He tries to hand her the glass of wine and Winston freaks out.
WINSTON
NO! You can't!
He knocks it out of Nick's hand. The glass shatters on the bar and wine goes everywhere.
NICK
What the hell, Winston?
JESS
What's wrong with you?
WINSTON
Nothing. I'm cool
SCHMIDT
You are definitely not cool.
Winston grabs Schmidt.
WINSTON
Bathroom!
INT. NICK'S BAR, MEN'S BATHROOM
Winston pulls Schmidt into the bathroom
SCHMIDT
What the hell is going on?
WINSTON
I know a secret.
SCHMIDT
(intrigued)
Oh? Well, dish, Oprah!
WINSTON
What did you just call me?
SCHMIDT
Nothing. Just, dish.
INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT
Nick is handing Jess another glass of pink wine.
NICK
Sorry about that. The two of them are acting so weird today.
JESS
Weirder than usual?
NICK
Well...maybe not. But Schmidt and Elizabeth had a fight and...
Then they hear a SCREAM coming from the bathroom. Everyone looks that way. Schmidt and Winston come out.
JESS
Did someone die?
SCHMIDT
No, no, all cool. All...no! NOT COOL!
He dashes to Jess' side and stops and smiles.
SCHMIDT
Can I taste your wine?
Jess shrugs.
JESS
Sure.
He takes the glass and starts to drink, and keeps drinking and then flattens it.
JESS
Schmidt! That was my drink!
SCHMIDT
God, that was awful! Oh, well, time to go home. Coming, Jess?
JESS
I just got here. And I haven't even had a drink yet.
WINSTON
Yeah, let's get you home, away from all this booze, and people and...things, bad things.
They start to pull her away from the bar.
JESS
What? No, stop! What are you doing?
WINSTON
(to Schmidt)
Be gentle! She's delicate!
SCHMIDT
I am being gentle! You're the one pulling her too frickin' hard!
Nick has come around the bar and has a baseball bat in hand.
NICK
(angry)
You two idiots let her go and tell me what is going on right now or so help me God I'm going to start hitting home runs! I'm serious!
They let go of Jess.
SCHMIDT
(to Winston)
Tell him.
NICK
Tell me what?
WINSTON
It's not my place. Jess, you tell him.
JESS
(confused)
Tell him what? What are you...oh...oh, no! Sadie's office! You think it's me? No, I'm not pregnant! Cece is!
And she suddenly realizes what she just said and gasps and puts her hand over her mouth.
Nick glares at Schmidt and Winston.
NICK
You two are idiots. You thought Jess was pregnant and I was the father? We just started having sex like...not even a month ago!
The whole bar is quiet as everyone is listening. Sid gives Nick a thumbs up, and Nick grins.
NICK
Okay, okay, everyone back to drinking.
The bar background noise rises as people turn away and begin to talk again. Schmidt's eyes are wide and he is staring at Jess.
SCHMIDT
Cece is pregnant? For real this time?
JESS
(caught)
No...I...she...Fine! Yes, she's pregnant.
Shocked silence for a moment.
SCHMIDT
And...and who's the father?
JESS
Apparently it's you.
NICK
(amazed)
Schmidt!
WINSTON
No way!
SCHMIDT
Wait a minute! What about Chev...Shevy...you know, small Indian guy with the new tall blond wife?
JESS
She never slept with Shivrang. Or anyone else but you since she broke up with Robby.
SCHMIDT
(puzzled)
But we haven't sleep together since...Oh, crap. Indian wedding convention night?
JESS
Yup.
SCHMIDT
Oh, crap.
NICK
Yup.
WINSTON
Congratulations, man!
All three of them look at him like he's crazy.
WINSTON
Oh, yeah. Cause...yeah. Crap.
SCHMIDT
I have to call her.
JESS
NO! She's going to talk to you, later tonight...or tomorrow. So please, please don't tell her I told you!
Schmidt just nods.
SCHMIDT
I...I need to get some air.
He walks away, exits the bar.
WINSTON
Sorry for the confusion.
JESS
(concerned)
Go with him.
Winston nods and leaves. Jess and Nick go back to the bar. He gives her another pink wine.
JESS
God, they thought it was me! Us!
NICK
Yeah, imagine that.
Jess' eyes get wide...well, wider.
JESS
No, I can't. Not yet.
NICK
No. So...what is Cece going to do?
JESS
I don't know. She's still trying to take it all in.
NICK
Well, I'm no expert at all this baby stuff. But I know one thing. She'd better talk to Schmidt first before she decides anything.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE - DAY
The next day. Schmidt, neat as usual, sits at his cubicle, lost in thought. He picks up his cell phone, scrolls through names, stops at "Cece", stares at it, then puts the phone down.
ELIZABETH (O.S.)
Hey.
She is standing there by his cubicle and he is startled.
SCHMIDT
Elizabeth. Ah...hi.
ELIZABETH
Expecting someone else?
SCHMIDT
No, no. I tried to call you last night.
ELIZABETH
I needed time to think.
SCHMIDT
Okay. So...still mad at me?
ELIZABETH
Yes...but...I forgive you. Do you forgive me?
SCHMIDT
For what? Turning me into a living salad?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
SCHMIDT
No probs...problem. I deserved it. I'm sorry. I won't try to make you do anything you don't want to do.
ELIZABETH
Good. Just be honest with me from now on. Okay?
SCHMIDT
Honest? Yeah...ah...then...then we need to talk about something.
ELIZABETH
Oh? What?
SCHMIDT
Not here.
He stands and as they are about to leave Cece comes around the corner and stops. She sees them, but they don't see her. She just stands there, resigned, a look of sadness on her face as they walk away.
INT. LOFT, KITCHEN - EVENING
Jess is sitting at the table alone, cup of tea nearby. She keeps glancing at her cellphone on the table but does nothing with it. Nick enters the kitchen.
NICK
Hey. Did she call?
JESS
(sad)
No. Did you talk to Schmidt?
NICK
Not since this morning.
He gets a beer out of the fridge, opens it, sits next to her. She picks up her cellphone and then puts it down.
NICK
Just call her already. They must have talked by now.
JESS
I'm afraid.
NICK
Of what?
JESS
That...she'll do what I don't want her to do.
NICK
Jess...it's her choice.
JESS
I know. Just I think it's the wrong choice, but I'm afraid to tell her that since it will upset her if I don't support her choice. And then I'm afraid if she does take my advice and has the baby, it will ruin her life and she'll blame me for that. And what about her career? Her family? God, it's just...it's just too much to deal with.
NICK
Look, I get it. But she's your best friend. You have to deal with it, no matter how hard it is.
JESS
(sighs)
I know.(beat) Nick, if it ever happens to us...I'm having the baby.
Nick is clearly uncomfortable with this topic.
NICK
Then let's make sure it doesn't happen to us.
JESS
Yeah, sure, but just so you know, I will have your baby.
Before Nick can answer her, Winston has come into the kitchen, dressed for his night job, wearing suit and tie. He has heard this last part.
WINSTON
(surprised)
What? Are you pregnant for real?
JESS
No!
NICK
(exasperated)
Will you please get your facts straight before you speak.
WINSTON
Sorry!
Winston sits.
WINSTON
Did Cece and Schmidt talk yet?
JESS
We don't know.
INT. CECE'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Cece sits on the sofa, the ultrasound photo in hand, smiling at it, and then her face falls, sad. Her roommate NADIA comes in from another room, dressed to the nines, obviously going out. Cece quickly pulls down the photo, hiding it.
NADIA
You come to my book party, Cece, yes?
CECE
What?
NADIA
Party for my book. "Russian Model's Adventures in LA". Big seller, now in print, too. Sell more than little man's zombie book. What is zombie? Dead man is not for me.
CECE
No, sorry, Nadia. I...I have things to do.
NADIA
Too bad. Real Wilma Valdilammaarra is there. I give him air kiss for you.
She opens the door to leave the apartment and Schmidt is there, about to knock.
NADIA
Cece. The Jewish is here.
Cece puts the photo on the table, stands, surprised.
CECE
Schmidt?
SCHMIDT
Hey. I...
NADIA
(interrupting)
So, Jewish, you ruin Cece's wedding. You do in Russia we put small animal in pants.
SCHMIDT
What?
CECE
Nadia, don't you have to be at a party?
Nadia glares at Schmidt, looks down at his crotch.
NADIA
You hurt Cece, I break you again.
Schmidt grabs his crotch protectively.
SCHMIDT
(high voice)
No worries.
CECE
Nadia!
She leaves and Schmidt enters.
SCHMIDT
Hey.
CECE
Hi.
Awkward pause.
CECE
Look, I have to tell you I'm...
SCHMIDT
I know.
She is clearly surprised.
CECE
How?...Jess told you!
SCHMIDT
No! Winston saw you guys at the clinic and put two and two together and got a gazillion as usual. He thought it was Jess. Winston was freaking everyone out so Jess came clean.
CECE
So she did tell you.
SCHMIDT
Yeah, but...but that's not important. What is important is you, right now. What are you...
CECE
I don't want a baby.
Schmidt is surprised but recovers.
SCHMIDT
Okay. But...don't I have a say in this?
CECE
Why? You don't want me, you've made that clear.
SCHMIDT
Yes, I did...but...it's our baby! It will be a beautiful, Indo-Judean god...or goddess. Do you want to deprive the world of our beautiful baby?
CECE
Schmidt. I can't raise a baby by myself.
SCHMIDT
You won't have to. Last year when you had your pregnancy scare I told you'd I'd be there for you. Nothing has changed. I'll be there.
CECE
Oh, right, with Elizabeth supporting you all the way?
SCHMIDT
Yes.
CECE
Get serious. She...
SCHMIDT
(interrupting)
She said she would support me. We had a long talk about it today.
CECE
(skeptical)
And she is fine with another woman having your baby?
SCHMIDT
She was mad, at first, but it all happened before I got back together with her. And, to be honest, she is very pro-life.
CECE
This is not her life! It's mine!
Cece turns away from him, mad, sits on the sofa. Schmidt sits next to her. He sees the photo and picks it up, face awed.
SCHMIDT
Is this...?
CECE
Yes.
Schmidt is clearly emotional.
SCHMIDT
(to photo)
Hello, Mordecai.
CECE
Mordecai?
SCHMIDT
Or...or whatever name you want.
CECE
Schmidt, I...I can't do this. My life will be ruined.
SCHMIDT
Why?
CECE
You're an idiot.
SCHMIDT
People have been telling me that a lot lately.
CECE
I can't be pregnant and be a model.
SCHMIDT
Maternity wear.
CECE
What?
SCHMIDT
This just opens up a whole new world of fashion for you. I'm in advertising, I know. Maternity wear is big. Bras especially. You're going to be huge. I can already see it happening.
Cece laughs a bit.
SCHMIDT
And then when the baby comes there are lots of mom and baby modeling gigs.
Cece thinks about this, and then smiles a bit.
CECE
It would be a beautiful baby.
SCHMIDT
Of course it would.
Then Cece's face clouds over.
CECE
My family will never understand. First my wedding disaster and now this? I...I can't do this.
He reaches out and holds her hand.
SCHMIDT
Cece...you can do it. You're strong, and tough. And let's face facts...you're not getting any younger. And have so few eggs. This might be your last chance.
CECE
(mad, pulls away)
Douchebag!
SCHMIDT
That I am.
CECE
(sighs)
But you're right. (beat) You couldn't tell me in a nicer way?
SCHMIDT
I thought douchebag me would serve as better shock value.
She just shakes her head at him, resigned to his idiocy.
SCHMIDT
So...what are you going to do?
INT. LOFT, NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT
Nick is at his computer writing as Jess sits on the bed correcting her adult school students' writing assignments. Her cellphone is next to her and she keeps looking at it but doesn't pick it up. She looks over at Nick and he is just staring at the computer screen.
JESS
How's it going?
NICK
I'm stuck. I need a name for a villain. Kind of an exotic name, but with a European flair.
Jess thinks.
JESS
Make him French. Everyone hates the French.
NICK
Yes! Pierre La Pew.
JESS
Nick, that's just like the cartoon skunk.
NICK
No, that's Pepe. Pierre is not the same!
JESS
Is he going to be a lover like Pepe?
NICK
Yeah! And he tries to steal Jessica Knight away from Pepperwood. At first, she falls for his slimy French charm, and then...
JESS
Too unrealistic.
NICK
Why? It'd be a great twist!
JESS
Twists are too highly rated. Also, you've set Jessica up to be so in love with Pepperwood she'd die for him.
NICK
Oh, yeah.
They hear the front door open and close.
NICK
Schmidt.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Schmidt is sitting on the sofa, depressed. Nick and Jess come from his bedroom.
NICK
Hey.
JESS
What happened?
SCHMIDT
She didn't call you?
JESS
No.
SCHMIDT
I'm going to be a father.
Jess and Nick high five each other.
NICK
Yeah!
JESS
(sings, Paul Anka)
She's having your baby!
(normal)
I have to call her!
Jess runs for her cell phone.
NICK
Congrats, man!
Nick tries to high five Schmidt but he doesn't move. Nick realizes something is up and sits next to him.
NICK
I thought you'd be happy. The last time this happened you couldn't shut up about it.
SCHMIDT
I know. I was happy, up to the point where she decided.
NICK
So why the long face?
SCHMIDT
I'm going to be a father! For real! Do you know what that means?
NICK
Yeah. You can't be a douchebag anymore.
SCHMIDT
Exactamundo!
NICK
Well, Fonzie, you were already heading that way when you started dating Elizabeth again. So, what did she say about all this baby stuff?
SCHMIDT
Elizabeth's cool. In fact, she's so cool, I think she's testing me, wants to see how I handle this one and then...pop, pop, pop! Suddenly I have a baseball team! Driving the mini-van, covered in ice cream and vomit, changing diapers in restaurant restrooms, the whole frickin' nine yards!
NICK
My nightmare.
SCHMIDT
(resigned)
Life is over.
NICK
Welcome to adulthood.
INT. CECE'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jess and Cece sit and talk on the sofa.
JESS
I'm sorry I didn't visit or call you sooner.
CECE
I should have called you. But I knew what you would say and I didn't want to fight with you.
JESS
I'm a teacher, I love children, I just can't help it.
CECE
I know.
She sighs heavily and looks very scared.
JESS
We'll be right there with you. All the way.
Cece nods, almost teary.
CECE
I have to call my mom and step dad.
JESS
Oh, man. Maybe it can wait... like...eight months? They do live in Portland after all.
Cece laughs a bit.
CECE
I just wish...I wish...
JESS
I know. But he's with her now.
CECE
I screwed up so badly. You're lucky. You're with the man you love.
JESS
Yeah. It's...nice.
CECE
Jess, promise me something?
JESS
What?
CECE
Don't screw it up. No matter what stupid thing Nick does, and you know how stupid he can get, just...forgive him. Find a way to forgive him.
JESS
I will.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
It's dark as Daisy and Winston enter from outside, kissing as they come in, starting to take their clothes off. Winston hits the light switch and there is a shout.
NICK
Lights off, man!
Nick and Jess are on the sofa, half undressed, scrambling to wrap a blanket around themselves as they stand.
WINSTON
(angry)
You have two bedrooms!
NICK
She has a whole apartment!
DAISY
Your place was closer.
JESS
Okay. Let's just all of us, say good night and go to our rooms and pretend this never happened.
DAISY
I need the bathroom first.
She heads down the hall.
WINSTON
(mad)
I thought we had an agreement!
Jess and Nick look a bit embarrassed.
JESS
Funny story about that. See...
Then there is a SCREAM from down the hall. Daisy comes running back.
DAISY
There's someone doing it in the bathroom!
Just then Schmidt and Elizabeth come from the hallway. They walk by, Schmidt wrapped in a towel and Elizabeth in a bathrobe and they both have wet hair. They don't look at anyone but walk straight past.
SCHMIDT
Evening.
ELIZABETH
Good night.
They walk towards Schmidt's room and disappear inside.
WINSTON
Agreement null and void! Baby, where you want to do it? The shower? The kitchen? I know... Nick's room!
NICK
Stay out, man!
DAISY
Actually, I'm kinda not in the mood now. Haven't really been in the mood all night.
WINSTON
(incredulous)
What?
JESS
It's the pill. When you first go on it, it kinda zaps your sex drive.
WINSTON
NOOOOOOO!
JESS
Night.
NICK
Have fun.
ROLL END CREDITS
Nick and Jess exit towards Nick's room. Winston sits on the sofa, defeated. Daisy sits next to him.
DAISY
We can still snuggle.
She turns on the TV and wraps her arms around him.
DAISY
Oh, SVU. I love this show. Do you have any popcorn?
Winston just shakes his head in disbelief, looks up to heaven and shakes his head once more.
WINSTON
Why God? Why me?
FADE OUT